by Tia Siren
I noticed that Ryan was on the phone a few times but was too nervous about the birth. It was going to be soon and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t prevent it.
I cried when they told me it was time. The room was suddenly full as my doctor stood before me, my feet in stirrups. There were a few nurses around and they were all ready to take Elle to be examined as soon as she was born. There were risks to this, but they all assured me that it would be fine. She wasn’t that early.
Ryan sat beside me, his hand in my hair as I thought about the night I’d wanted. I had wanted to sleep in his arms, too tired to make love. I had just wanted to be with him. I still felt the pressure and knew it was time when they told me. I pushed like they said, hearing Lucy cheering me on from my left while Ryan told me how great I was doing from my right.
I was so glad that the pain was less than before and admired the women who did this the natural way. I thought about my mom for a moment, a few states away. I knew she wanted to be here now. Even if we had planned it around Elle’s due date, she wouldn’t have made it. Life was funny that way, but she’d be here once we were home.
She’d help me.
Would Ryan’s mom help me? He told me she was supposed to be getting some help so she could be a good grandma but that his dad was excited. He would be here tomorrow. I only wanted it to be Lucy and Ryan right now. I pushed when they told me to, and Ryan cried when he told me her head was out. I wanted to see, but I hadn’t thought about the mirror I’d read about somewhere.
“What color is her hair?” I asked. He looked again, clutching my hand.
“I think it’s dark and there’s a lot of it. It’s hard to tell right now,” he said. I nodded and heard them tell me to push again. I did, and someone said that her shoulders were out as I took a deep breath. I was almost done. Lucy and Ryan held my legs in place as I sucked air into my lungs.
This was nothing like I had expected it to be, yet it was everything.
I pushed once more, then twice.
There was a loud cry in the room as I closed my eyes and heard the doctor say it was a girl.
I was a mom. Ryan was a dad.
They took her across the room to examine her as Ryan held my hand and looked across the room at our daughter. Lucy cried as she hugged me and I delivered the placenta with a soft moan. I knew I was going to hurt tonight, and if not, then tomorrow. I knew this was going to be hard. I turned my head to find Ryan’s lips as I realized just how much I loved him.
CHAPTER 19
Ryan
The night before flashed through my mind as I sat beside the bed in Brea’s room. Elle was small at just under six pounds, but they felt good about her development. She would stay here in the hospital in the NICU, but she was here with us for now.
I held her and stared at her tiny face. She had dark blond hair and the sweetest heart-shaped mouth. From what I could tell, her eyes were a dark blue, but I knew they could change. So could her hair.
I looked up at Brea as she looked at Elle and me with a loving smile. She had done a great job yesterday, and while she was a bit sore this morning, she was happy. We were both relieved Elle was going to be fine and that we’d get to take her home after a short hospital stay. Brea already told them she wanted to stay with her here until they could both leave so she could nurse and always be available for Elle.
My daughter fussed, and I handed her to Brea. She held Elle close to her chest, preparing to feed her. Elle latched on a few times and was doing great, but I wasn’t exactly sure how it all worked. I had bought the right books but wasn’t to that chapter yet. Elle let out a cry, and Brea lowered her gown to give her one nipple as I thought to myself how much I loved her. She looked beautiful right now, more so than ever before. I watched as she pulled the gown over them. I snapped a photo of Elle’s little head peeking out from the pink material. I was going to take so many photos of these two that I thought about buying a new camera just for the occasion.
There was a knock on the door.
“Can I come in and see my new granddaughter?” Dad asked as he pushed open the door to peer in at us.
“Come on in. She’s eating, but you can hold her after,” I told him as he stepped forward hesitantly. He was nervous, glancing around as if he’d never been a hospital before.
“I wasn’t sure if you would be sleeping or not after the long day yesterday,” he said softly, looking at Brea. “You look beautiful. Great job, Mama.” He looked at the tiny lump underneath the pink gown, and I swore I saw tears in his eyes. “She’s healthy?” I’d been on the phone with him several times, keeping him updated, but I could still see the worry on his face.
“They’re both doing great, but they’re going to keep Elle for a few extra days before they send her home.” I looked up as he glanced at me and then back at Elle.
“Are you going to go home without her?” he asked, and Brea shook her head.
“Ryan already arranged a family room for us so I can keep nursing. We’ll be leaving together,” she said softly as I looked at her, falling more in love with her as she stroked Elle’s tiny head. “We don’t even have a place together yet. She came too early for that.”
“That’s not even an issue, Brea. We’ll sort that out,” I assured her while she stroked Elle’s back. “Is she finished?”
“For now. I think she’s falling asleep again.” Brea continued to stroke her, urging a burp out of her as I leaned forward. She moved Elle from under the gown and handed her to me as she fixed herself, blushing a bit. Brea was a modest girl and had already said she would be covered if she ever nursed in public. It was sweet considering how comfortable she’d gotten with me over the last few weeks.
“Want to hold her?” I asked Dad. He looked scared for a moment. “Hold out your arms.” He did, and I placed her there easily, tucking her head in the crook of his arm. She went back to sleep, her eyes fluttering with exhaustion.
“She’s so tiny and beautiful,” he whispered as tears filled his eyes. I looked at Brea and could tell she was feeling emotional after everything that had happened with my family lately. “I can’t believe I almost threw away the chance to be a part of her life.” I watched as tears rolled down his cheeks and felt a little choked up myself. What had happened with my mother had been awful, but at the end of it all she was going to finally going to rehab. My parents had had a long talk in the morning and she’d agreed to his terms. “I’m sorry. I am sorry to both of you for acting the way I did.”
“I’m just glad things are sorted out now. I can’t wait for your wife to meet her too,” Brea assured him as she wiped tears from her own cheeks.
“She’s looking forward to that,” Dad told her as he moved to sit down. “She already told me to get you anything you need. Elle arrived too early for the baby shower, didn’t she?” He looked at us as Brea sighed and nodded.
“Lucy will work something out. She’s good at that,” I said as I reached for Brea’s hand.
“I guess she can just push it back. The guests and everything will still be the same,” Brea said sleepily as she looked at my dad and Elle with a warm look on her face. “They look so cute together.”
“He’s going to be good for her,” I agreed softly, and she smiled wider.
“I think she’s going to be good for him,” she said. I squeezed her hand.
“Probably so. I’m just glad there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.” I took a deep breath and thought about my mom. She was currently on a plane with a chaperone, going to the rehab center, which sounded more like a resort in the Hamptons. It was going to be good for her.
Dad stayed for a while, holding Elle as she slept. Brea closed her eyes and finally rested while I watched her. The labor had been long and wearying, but she’d held out like a champ.
Brea had cried when they’d brought Elle over to us and we both looked her over slowly. She had a lot of dark blond hair and was tiny, but beautiful. Brea had tenderly counted her toes and fingers as she’d whispered how
much she already loved her. I got her a large private room with a couch so I could stay with her and help when Elle was in the room. Since she was healthy, that would be often. I loved watching Brea nurture our daughter already. I had also asked for a room once Brea could check out so she could be available to nurse and bond with Elle.
I hugged my dad goodbye when he excused himself to return home, thanking him for coming by with a large bouquet of pink flowers and a teddy bear for Elle. The baby was fussing, and I passed her to Brea to nurse again and then held her while Brea took a nap. I stared into her face, seeing my future. I had never thought I wanted this until I’d met Brea and gotten the crazy idea to have a family with the initial intent of getting my inheritance. It wasn’t about that anymore, though I was grateful to my gram for setting something aside for me.
I wished she could see Elle now. She’d passed away too long ago to even know that I wanted a baby. I thought about my parents. I had expected us to be separate families when Elle was born. It had made me sad when I’d thought about it, but things had changed for the better. I would always hate the fight I’d had with my mom, but it had made Dad see something he hadn’t before. He knew things needed to change and he finally told Mom that. He defended me and my family, giving me real hope for our future.
I leaned back as my daughter yawned and snuggled closer to me. I was already in love with her and wanted to do everything I could to protect her. I wanted to take care of her and wrap her in a safe blanket so nothing could ever hurt her. I wanted her to stay away from boys like me when she got older. If she looked anything like her mother, that was going to start early. I looked at Brea, sleeping against the pillow with her hands folded over her stomach as she breathed evenly.
It made me think back to the first morning I’d woken up beside her. I’d never felt like that about a woman before, no matter how much I had tried to deny it. I had chalked it up to good sex, but there was a feeling of comfort that came from being with her. I smiled as I wondered if marrying her had been a part of my plan the entire time, and it was just a matter of time. I shook my head as I leaned down to kiss Elle’s soft head and breathe her in.
They came in to check on the baby a few times throughout the afternoon as Brea chatted with her coworkers on the phone. They were surprised by the early birth and thrilled for us both. Brea promised she’d come to see everyone as soon as she could. We also Skyped with her mom. When she saw Elle, both women cried as I held her in my arms and rocked her gently. Elle seemed to be affected by the tears, and I smiled at Brea as she wiped a tear from her face.
Her mom promised she’d come once we were out of the hospital, and they hung up as Brea sniffled. “I actually feel closer to her now. Is that what happens when you become a mom?”
“Maybe the priorities shift. You let things go and look for a different life. I know I’m glad that Dad came around and Mom is getting the help she needs,” I said slowly as I thought it through. Brea nodded. “Maybe we’re just growing up. I think that’s better than freaking out, right?”
“I’m doing that as well. I wonder how I’m supposed to care for her the right away and make her happy. What if I fail?” she asked softly. I looked down at Elle. She was wiggling, and I pulled the blanket from her body and handed her over to Brea, who pressed her against her bare chest and stroked her gently.
“You already know what to do. She knows that she wants you. It’s chemistry,” I said. “I’ll be here to help when you need it. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I always knew that, even when you first brought this up. I always trusted you and I never understood why, but now this just feels so right. It feels like it was always meant to be.” She looked down at Elle, who was rooting around, and slowly guided her to latch on. “There you go, sweet girl. Take everything I have to give.”
Elle did and would keep doing so. She knew how much her mother loved her already, and I cleared my throat watching them. God, I felt emotions surging through me that I had never known existed. I wanted forever with this woman. It was more than an arrangement. It was more than sex. It was everything.
Lucy arrived to see Elle a short while later, bringing with her food from Brea’s favorite burger joint, pink balloons, and flowers. She stumbled through the door as I moved to help her, chiding her for not calling me for help. I got the flowers set up beside my dad’s and the ones that Brea’s mom had sent over and put the balloons in the corner so Brea could see them floating there.
Lucy dropped the bag on the table and rushed over, tears streaming down her cheeks. Elle was still sleeping on Brea, and Lucy gave her a pleading gaze as Brea giggled. “Want to hold her?”
“Yes!” Lucy squealed. Brea sat up slowly and wrapped Elle up in a soft blanket before handing her to Lucy. Elle snuggled into her, and Lucy dropped slowly into a chair, staring at the baby with misty eyes.
“So, that’s what it takes to quiet her down,” I noted as I went for the bag of food. I was starving, and I knew Brea was not a big fan of hospital food. I set her lunch up on a bed tray and she dug in, her eyes sparkling with joy. I sat on the right side of the bed and used the same table while Lucy spoke softly to Elle, promising her the world. She told her that she would tell her everything she needed to know and take her to the places she loved the most.
Lucy told us she was going to paint Elle as often as she could and take a trillion pictures of her. I told her she’d have to stand in line, and Brea laughed as she took a drink of the chocolate shake Lucy had brought her. Lucy handed the baby back to Brea for a snuggle and a quick feed since we were trying to get her as comfortable as possible with nursing early on. Then I took her and gave her back to Lucy.
We hung out together for a few hours, talking about Elle and life as Brea let Elle sleep on her chest with a soft smile on her face. I couldn’t help but think that life was nearly perfect right now. I rested my hand on Elle’s back and Lucy took some candid shots of our new family.
CHAPTER 20
Brea
I held Elle while Ryan got my things together. We’d been in the hospital for a week now, in the smaller room he’d asked for once I was officially released. He stayed with me almost all the time, leaving only to get fresh air or make a phone call. He was a great father and I loved watching him with Elle. He was gentle with her and everything that a daughter needed from a father. I knew he would make sure that she had everything she needed and guide her as she grew older. I fell in love with the way he looked at her, though I was reluctant to say that to him yet. I didn’t know if he felt the same way.
The doctor came in to talk to us, assuring us that Elle was healthy and should have no lingering health problems from being premature. She was eating well, and we were both ready to go home and start our new lives. I dressed her in the outfit Ryan had given me with her name on it. We took several pictures in the process, never wanting to forget this moment.
Lucy brought us a car seat, and we secured Elle in it after they did all the security checks for us to leave. I felt scared when a nurse wheeled me to the car as Ryan carried the car seat in his hand, unsure of what to do next. We’d had nurses and doctors to help us with everything for the last week, and now I would be responsible for her. A nurse who had gotten close to us pushed a cart with all our flowers and balloons, and I blinked as we emerged into the sunlight. I had gone outside a few times but hadn’t wanted to leave Elle for too long.
Ryan told me he would go get the car and set Elle next to me as he jogged off, leaving me with the nurses. I looked around and thought about taking a shower when we got home, wherever that might be. I still had no idea if he wanted me to go to his apartment or start over somewhere new.
His car pulled up and he loaded up the back with the flowers and balloons, along with the bag Lucy had ended up bringing me. Ryan looked at me, taking in my face with a gentle expression as he picked up the car seat. Elle was sleeping, and I felt a tug of nervousness as I thought about her being in the car. Ryan assured me the base was properly ins
talled in the back seat and that the nurses had checked. They laughed as they told me Elle was going to be perfectly safe in the car. He got her situated, and I stood as I looked from the front seat to the back. I knew she was fed and would more than likely be fine for a little while, so I scooted into the front seat, giving the nurses each a long hug goodbye.
Ryan closed my door gently, and I looked back to see a mirror positioned just in front of Elle since she was facing the back. It gave me a perfect view of her beautiful face, and as I looked in the rearview mirror, I realized that anyone driving could check on her whenever they needed to. I smiled, thinking how perfect Ryan was as he got into the driver’s seat and buckled his seat belt. We pulled out of the parking lot and I looked back to check on her.
“I can’t believe we’re taking her home,” I said softly as I took a deep breath. I watched as Ryan turned right onto the street, expecting him to drive to his house. We didn’t have a crib or anything yet, but we could make do for a night or two. I could have everything delivered if need be. I closed my eyes as we drove, still tired from everything, and I heard him turn on the radio at a low volume.
I dozed, and when I came to, I realized we were still in the car. I opened my eyes and looked around to see that we were on the freeway. I glanced at the clock to see that we’d been driving for forty-five minutes. I looked at Ryan in confusion.
“Where are we going?”
He merely smiled and kept driving as I gazed around some more. The scenery was beautiful, with trees and water ahead. I gasped as I recognized the location. He laughed and glanced at me. I stared back at him in disbelief.
“What did you do?” I demanded as I stared at the familiar surroundings I had fallen in love with the last time we’d been here. I remained silent as we drove, anticipation bubbling over in my stomach as I looked from the road to Elle. An abundance of nervous energy was coursing through my veins. Ryan pulled off the highway and turned down a few side streets before parking in the long driveway of a house. He shut the engine off but still didn’t explain himself.