“But we work hard at school, too. You’ve done it and you know how hard it is!”
“Yes, true, but that’s no reason to treat Papa and Mama like that.”
And then Marouan took me aside: “Mama, what does Antonio think? Does it bother him if I take on the girls?”
“Antonio is happy with what you do.”
“I’m afraid he’ll tell me someday to mind my own business, these are his daughters.”
But Antonio didn’t do that. It was intelligent of him. On the contrary, he’s very pleased to delegate a little of his authority. And the best is that they obey their brother better than they do their father or mother. With us they argue, they’re capable of slamming a door, but not with him. I hold my breath and hope it lasts. Sometimes it’s a little strained. Laetitia comes into my bed for refuge and then tells me Marouan gets on her nerves.
So I tell her: “He’s right, the way your father’s right. You do talk back.”
“Why does he say he’ll go away if we don’t listen to him? And that he didn’t come here to have to bawl us out?”
“That’s normal. Marouan didn’t have your good fortune, he’s been through difficult times that you can’t understand. Parents are important for him, a mother is precious when you haven’t had her with you, you know?”
If I could only get rid of this guilt that still resurfaces all too often. If I could change my skin. I told Marouan that I had decided to put our story into a book, if he agreed.
“It will be like our family album. And a witness against the honor crime.”
“One day, I’ll go there,” Marouan says.
“What will you go there for, Marouan? Vengeance? Blood? You were born there but you don’t know what the men there are like. I dream about it, too. I feel hatred, too. I think it would soothe me to arrive in my village with you and shout at them: Look everybody! This is Marouan, my son! We were burned, but we aren’t dead! Look how handsome and strong and intelligent he is!”
“It’s my father I would like to see close up!” Marouan says. “I would like to understand why he dropped you, especially when he knew what was waiting for you.”
“Perhaps. But you will understand better when it is in a book. I will tell everything that you still don’t know, and what many people don’t know about. Because there aren’t many survivors, and the women who have survived still hide and for many years. They have lived in fear and they go on living in fear. I can bear witness for them.”
He asked me if I was afraid, and I admitted I was a little. I’m especially afraid that my children, and Marouan in particular, will live with the thorn of vengeance; that this vengeance, which is passed along between generations, will leave a mark, even a very small one, in their minds. Marouan, too, must build a house, brick by brick. A book is a good thing for building a house.
I received a letter from my son, written in a nice round hand. He wanted to encourage me to undertake this difficult work. It made me cry one more time:
Mama,
After all this time of living alone, without you, to finally see you again, in spite of everything that has happened, has given me hope for a new life. I think of you and your courage. Thank you for making this book for us. It will bring me, too, courage in life. I love you, Mama.
Your son,
Marouan
I have told the story of my life for the first time by forcing out of my memory the things that were buried the deepest. It was more challenging than a public testimony, and more painful than answering the children’s questions. I hope that this book will travel in the world, that it will reach the West Bank, and that the men will not burn it.
In our house, it will be displayed in a bookcase. And everything will have been said once and for all. I will have it bound in a pretty leather so that it isn’t damaged, and with beautiful gold lettering.
Thank you.
Souad
Somewhere in Europe
December 31, 2002
Afterword
SURGIR is a Swiss foundation that works with women, anywhere in the world, who are subjected to criminal traditions, women who are martyrs in their souls and in their bodies, and with the children of these women. SURGIR fights vigorously against the injustice of the customs that victimize these women.
To support the work of SURGIR:
Banque Cantonale Vaudoise
1001 Lausanne
Account number: U 5060.57.74
To learn more about SURGIR: www.surgir.ch
Contact: [email protected]
Contents
I Was in Flames
Memory
Hanan?
The Green Tomato
The Bride’s Blood
Assad
The Secret
The Last Meeting
The Fire
Dying
Jacqueline
Souad Is Going to Die
Switzerland (Souad)
Marouan
All That Is Missing
Surviving Witness
Jacqueline
My Son
To Build a House
Afterword
Copyright © 2003 by Oh! éditions
English language translation copyright © 2004 by Judith Armbruster
All rights reserved.
Warner Books
Time Warner Book Group
1271 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020
Visit our Web site at www.twbookmark.com.
ISBN: 0-7595-1110-1
First eBook Edition: May 2004
Table of Contents
I Was in Flames
Memory
Hanan?
The Green Tomato
The Bride’s Blood
Assad
The Secret
The Last Meeting
The Fire
Dying
Jacqueline
Souad Is Going to Die
Switzerland (Souad)
Marouan
All That Is Missing
Surviving Witness
Jacqueline
My Son
To Build a House
Afterword
Burned alive: a victim of the law of men Page 19