by Anne Conley
“Don’t call me that, please?” she whispered, and a gray pallor shone on her face.
“Okay.” He kissed her forehead and leaned it against his shoulder. “Number two, we have unfinished business, and I’m willing to wait as long as I need to. We had agreed to one thing, but I have to let you know, I want more, Mia. But because I want more, I’m waiting until you’re ready for everything. Because that’s what I want.” And then he held his breath. And waited.
He longed to show her just how much she meant to him but was terrified. She had opened up a little in the past few weeks, but not much. This trip out was an attempt to get back some sense of normalcy for her. But if he pushed, he knew she would just clamp her emotions shut again and crawl back inside herself.
“You can’t live your life with me, Jordan. I have… had things I need to do.” She was twisting her fingers in her lap and wouldn’t look at him. Jordan’s stomach sank.
He was confused. Was there someone else? If so, where was the fucker? What did she mean, things? “What?”
“I’m supposed to be bringing my sister to the States to live with me.” She sniffled, her chin quivering. “I have no idea how anymore, but she can’t stay with my mom. I haven’t told them what happened. I don’t know how.” A tear tracked down her cheek, and Jordan pulled her close. Relief filled him, swelling something inside. This was something he could fix. And he was ridiculously grateful there wasn’t someone else. He couldn’t believe he’d even thought that.
“I’ll take you and your sister. She’s part of you, which makes her part of everything.” He smiled into the top of her head. “In fact, I think that would be nice. It would make us more of a family.” Kissing the top of her head, he relished the smell. The top of her head smelled different from everything else, and it almost made him lose conscious thought. It took him to some other plane with Mia, someplace ethereal. When she spoke next, she brought him back to earth, but still floating above the surface.
Her shoulders shrugged with a sigh. “Okay, Jordan,” she whispered against his chest.
“Okay, what?”
“Let’s go out.”
Jordan couldn’t stop the smile. “Great.” He noticed she didn’t say anything about the rest of what he’d said, but baby steps, right? He’d get her sister here and then the rest would happen. Hopefully.
She pulled away, offering him a wan smile just as his phone rang.
He answered, watching her disappear into the bathroom to shower. “Hello?”
“Hey, man, how’re things?” It was Evan, sounding way too cheery. His previous anger at Jordan had seemingly dissipated, but the brothers were both famous for getting each other when least expected, so Jordan wasn’t letting his guard down yet.
“Fine. What’s up? We’re about to go out.”
“Yeah? About time. Where y’all going?”
“Not far, probably just walk down the street and grab a pizza or something. But it’s a start, right?”
“Well, good luck on that. Hey, I just called to check in. No biggie.”
“Great. How are things at the office?” Evan was up to something, but Jordan didn’t have the energy to figure out what. So he was changing the subject.
“Same. Simon’s got his panties twisted because the DA hasn’t decided your fate, yet.”
This was something that had sort of bothered him. If the DA decided to press charges, he was more than likely out of a job, and things had sort of changed for him with Pierce. He suddenly saw the validity in the job. He wanted to keep working there.
“Well, just keep me posted, I guess.”
“Will do, brother.”
An hour later, they were at the pizza place down the block from where they lived, sharing a deep dish. Mia was actually laughing at something Jordan said, and he felt tiny bubbles rising in his chest at the sound. He hadn’t heard it in weeks. It was awesome.
“So, tell me about your sister. You haven’t told me much about her,” he asked with a wide smile, hoping to open her up by talking about something different.
“Her name is Rose and she’s fifteen. Her dad was husband number four, Ron. He’s still sort of in the picture but not enough to actually want her to live with him. Mom took her when she and Paul took off on their world tour, but they stay in hostels and mission places. It’s no place for a teenager, and Mom is hardly the ideal homeschool teacher. She’s miserable. I was saving up money for a new place.”
“She can come stay with us now. Evan’s apartment is plenty big.”
He gazed at her face, which beamed with the first genuine smile he’d seen since this whole ordeal started. He was under no illusions she was totally healed with one pizza, but it was definitely a start.
“You are one difficult man to get hold of, Jordan Lee Rocco.” He froze as his mother’s voice rang in his ears. He was going to kill Evan, although he supposed he couldn’t avoid the woman forever. But he’d been trying.
“Hi, Mom.” He turned to introduce her to Mia, but she beat him to it.
“You must be Mia. I’ve heard so much about you. When is the big day?” Jordan’s mouth went dry as his mother turned to him. “Jordan, where’s her ring? I raised you better than that.”
Evan, the motherfucker. “Mom! We’re not engaged. This is our first fucking date! Jesus! What the hell is wrong with you?” Jordan didn’t usually talk to his mama like that, but holy hell, this woman was ruining everything he’d worked so hard for with Mia. Despite his outburst, his mother only laughed and pulled up a chair next to Mia.
“We’ll have to make plans, dear, my son can be a Neanderthal.”
Mia’s face had gone ashy, and the familiar glaze fell over her eyes.
“Mia…” Jordan began, but she was up out of her chair.
“Excuse me, please. I need to use the restroom.” She was gone, dashing back to the rear of the restaurant.
“Mother…” he growled a warning.
“I know. Evan made that up, because you made up the pregnancy. I don’t know why you boys can’t just be honest with me, because I’m honest with you.”
“You wouldn’t have heard me if I told you to leave, so I made it up.”
“I know, and I promise to do better in the future. Evan sat me down yesterday and made a big deal out of boundaries. Apparently, I’m overstaying my welcome.” She rolled her eyes as she said it. “I realize you boys are grown and have your own lives now. I can’t expect you to want to muck stalls and raise horses just because I enjoy it.” Her eyes fell to her lap. “Although, I do miss you.”
“I know, and I promise, as soon as all this is straightened out, I’ll come visit.” His eyes cut to the bathroom where Mia had disappeared. He wanted to go check on her, apologize for his mother, and take her home. “But now is really not a great time.”
“I know. You do need to propose to that one, though. She thinks the moon rises in you. I can see that in the way she looks at you.”
“See you later, Mom.” He wasn’t so sure about that. As far as he could tell, Mia hardly looked at anything besides her lap these days. Jordan rose and kissed her cheek goodbye before rushing to the women’s room.
Knocking, he offered, “Mia? You okay in there?”
When she answered with a sniffle and a plaintive, “Yes,” it was down low, as if she were on the floor, and Jordan didn’t like that one bit.
He opened the door—not caring it was a woman’s restroom—and sure enough, Mia was a crumpled heap on the floor, crying. He went to her and sat next to her, and she immediately crawled into his lap.
He loved that she felt comfortable in his arms, but hated she was crying because of him, or more specifically, his mother.
“I’m really sorry about that. My brother told her that to get back at me. I’ll tell you the story later, if you want.”
“It’s not that, or at least, it’s not that anymore.” She sniffed again, but her tears were drying. “It’s the fact that as soon as I came in here to be alone, I had a panic atta
ck because I was alone.”
Again, that strange dichotomy of feelings surged in him, but he understood. She shouldn’t feel that way, even though the fact his presence allayed her fears was awesome. But he didn’t like that she had fears.
Christ. He wanted to make her happy so bad it hurt.
They sat there in silence for a while, until Jordan got grossed out that he was on a bathroom floor on Sixth Street. Chuckling to himself, he muttered into her hair, “You want to go home?”
She nodded, and he scooped her up, willing to carry her the block to their apartment, but she stopped him. “I can walk. Put me down.”
“Fine,” he grumbled, but did as she asked.
She held onto his arm as they walked, leaning on him for support, and he gave it willingly. She was back to the Mia who didn’t smile anymore as the tears stained her cheeks. And he sighed. He’d made some progress tonight. No matter how small. She’d laughed. He would take that.
Mia wanted to cry at Jordan’s attentiveness, his absolute perfection in handling her. But his words to his mother kept flashing through her mind, his denial of a relationship with her had initially sent her to the bathroom. But her reaction in the bathroom to the lack of his presence had scared her.
She’d had a complete panic attack—sweaty skin, pounding heart, racing thoughts—simply because he wasn’t in the room with her.
And here he was, sitting next to her in their bed, watching her closely for signs of her flying apart. His eyes flitted back and forth over her face, concern etching his features.
And she hated that he felt obligated to her wellbeing.
“We need to talk, Jordan.” Her voice sounded stronger than she felt, and she guessed that was a good thing.
Mia had changed into her pajamas but was in the bed they shared. He’d made sure she had all the privacy she needed, assigning her a bedroom in the massive, three-bedroom apartment his brother was loaning them. But she slept with him in his bed. It made her feel safe and protected. But now was the time it had to end.
“Okay.” He sounded hesitant, and she couldn’t blame him. She was about to change the way things had been between them.
“It’s time I did some stuff on my own. Tonight showed me that. I need to learn to live without you, so we should do some things differently.”
He looked like she’d slapped him. “Do you not want to be here?”
God, she wanted it more than anything else in the world. As she thought about the best way to answer that, she bit her lip, and his eyes focused on the gesture with an intensity she felt down to her core.
“It’s not that.” She took a deep breath. “I’m messed up, now, and you shouldn’t have to be stuck with that. And I need to be able to function as a human being without you feeling like you have to be with me all the time. You need to live your life without me, and I need to learn to live mine again.”
He scooted closer on the bed to her but didn’t touch. She could still feel his warmth, though, and a part of her unfurled at the sensations of the dip in the bed, the scent of his body wash, the virility that snaked around him all the time.
It weakened her. Part of Mia wanted to give him what he wanted, she always had. But now, in light of recent events, she felt like she owed it to him. He had saved her life, the least she could do was repay him by giving in to his desires. Right? It wasn’t like she didn’t want it, too.
“I agree with part of that statement. I do think you need to live your life again, but you need to do it with me. I meant what I said, I want you, and not just sex with you, Mia. I want forever with you.” He chuckled at her shocked expression. “Mom wasn’t off point with what she said. But I haven’t asked you anything yet because I don’t want to rush you. I do think you need to be less dependent on my presence, but I’m willing to be here as long as you need me. I want forever with you, Mia. And I’m not in a hurry for forever. I’ll wait for it, as long as you need me to.”
Then he did something that left her speechless. Jordan reached out and gently cupped her face, tilting it toward him, and lowered his mouth to hers. It was a simple kiss, but the way his lips moved against hers spoke of love and a patience she couldn’t comprehend. It would have been a lazy kiss, except it was filled with purpose, and Mia couldn’t stop her hands from clutching at his shirt. The kiss was pure sensuality, a promise for more.
His lips told a story—a love story—of safety and hope. They spoke of a place where Mia was whole and happy again. She lost herself to the kiss, and before she realized it, she gave in. The intentions she had of repayment got muddled around with her own desires, and she kissed him back.
She opened her mouth and slanted her head, slipping her tongue between his lips with a whimper. He let her take control of it, for which she was grateful, his hands clutched into fists at his sides. Mia wound her hands around his neck and crawled into his lap, relishing the feeling of total control. He was going to let her go her own pace, set the tone of this.
The entire time she’d been with him, she’d been overwhelmed with his very presence, his intentions known to her fully with every move he made, every glance he stole. No matter how sweet they were, she’d known he wanted her. But the her he wanted wasn’t the her for him.
It was really hard to tell him that, though, especially when he was kissing her like this.
Even though she was in total control, he was still making his intentions known. He was still trying to let her know he was safe. He was trying to be her happiness, even though she knew he couldn’t ever be that for her.
But for tonight, she was going to pretend.
Against his lips, she gasped a ragged, “More, Jordan,” before she curled her fingers in his hair.
He opened his eyes, startled. “Are you sure? I’m ecstatic with just kissing, if that’s all you’re up for.”
“I want more,” she said, slipping her top over her head. Jordan’s eyes widened before he lowered his mouth to her neck, kissing and nibbling softly. His arms came around her torso, meeting in the back as they stroked her maddeningly.
She’d never been so cherished as his hot mouth branded her anew. With each touch of his lips to her body, Mia was filled with a sense of regeneration, as if his mouth breathed new life onto her skin.
Mia listened to Jordan’s breathing as it got rougher, she watched his concentration as he worshiped her chest, her breasts. When he looked up at her, his face a mask of adoration, and said, “God, you are so beautiful,” everything changed.
Mia’s brain shifted, and Jordan’s face morphed into an unbalanced madman, his hair lengthening into a sweaty mess, his muscles disappeared, and suddenly, Mike hovered over her.
“So beautiful,” he whispered.
“Stop, please,” Mia pleaded, and then she reacted, suddenly fighting for her life.
Jordan didn’t see it happen, but he felt the shift. Her body stiffened, and her voice changed, but the punch came out of nowhere. She had a mean right-hook, but he didn’t fight it.
“Mia, it’s me, Jordan.” He pulled back but was reluctant to leave her completely. He wasn’t going to let her break down alone.
“I’m not Evelyn,” she seethed, suddenly angry at who she thought he was. Slapping at him wildly, he scrambled to move back. He didn’t want to restrain her or hurt her, he only wanted to love her. Of course, so had her rapist, whom she obviously thought he was. This was too soon. Self-loathing overtook every emotion he had. He’d let his dick rule, and now he’d fucked everything up.
“I know, Mia. Look at me. I’m Jordan. I’m not Mike.” He gritted his teeth at the fact she thought he was, but understood he’d flipped some switch in her brain. He’d done this, and that made it worse. “I’m Jordan,” he repeated. “You’re Mia.”
He wanted to wrap his arms around her and hold her but was afraid to. He needed her back in the present first, and the only way he could do that was by repeating his words.
She seemed to finally hear him as her face cleared and tears sprang to he
r eyes.
“Jordan?”
“Yeah, honey. It’s me,” he sighed from across the living room. “You okay?” It was a stupid question, and he regretted it almost as soon as the words left his mouth. Of course she wasn’t okay.
“You called me beautiful,” she stated simply.
“You are, Mia.” Walking toward her, he took her in his arms, striving to cradle her in comfort, knowing it was fruitless and wondering if he ever would be able to really comfort her again.
“He called me beautiful.” Tears were streaming down her face now, and Jordan ached to stop them, but at the same time, he knew she needed this. When her giant brown eyes met his, they were filled with regret. “I need to tell you.”
“You don’t have to,” he began, but she interrupted him.
“Yes. I do. I can’t do what I need to do until I get rid of this… poison. And it won’t leave until I tell you.”
He didn’t want the poison, either, but he’d take it to help her. Anything to help her.
“You want some hot chocolate?” He was putting off the inevitable and hated himself a little bit for it. When she nodded, sniffing, his heart broke a little, and he vowed to make her the best damn hot chocolate she’d ever had.
Unfortunately, all he had was powdered mix, so he made it with milk and added a healthy dollop of chocolate syrup to it, bringing it back into the living room for Mia.
He sat, anxiously waiting for her to start talking. Since she decided she needed to get it out, he would listen, even though he suspected hearing her talk about that man would kill him. But if it would help her move on, that’s what he would do. But he wouldn’t enjoy it.
She blew across the top of her mug thoughtfully while she decided where to start.