‘No. Not the invisibility stuff. Just things, you know, in general. She said we need to talk things through.’
My heart shouldn’t shrink but it does. I don’t want us to ‘need to talk things through’. We’ve only been together a few months. I mute the warning bells tolling in my brain. I should be happy Tom is proactive about this stuff. It’s great he has a good relationship with his mother, and she seems to care about us.
‘Okay. Like what?’
‘I don’t know; what we love about each other, anything we’re worried about …’ He takes a sip of coffee and makes a face, he reaches for the sugar. He doesn’t look at me; maybe because he knows it’s hard for me or maybe because he’s embarrassed himself, I don’t know.
‘Do you think we need to?’ I ask quietly.
His eyes meet mine. ‘Can it hurt?’
‘Well, it’s easy enough to tell you what I love about you. You know I thank the gods for you every day; for your insane virtue and sense of right.’ I stroke his jawbone. ‘As for your beauty, Michelangelo’s David would quiver in your shadow—but that’s a bit shallow right?’ It is, but Tom grins anyway. ‘What else?’ I start to tick them off on my fingers. ‘You’re fun to be with. You’re patient. You’ve taught me …’ I study the bronze light fittings, trying to figure out how to phrase it. ‘Not to hate myself and the world so much.’ I look at him in amazement. ‘That’s big isn’t it?’
Tom treats me to that sweet small smile he reserves just for me. ‘It is.’
It makes my heart flip-flop. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I am beginning to understand the full meaning of the poem.
‘Maybe your mum’s onto something,’ I say. ‘What’s next? What I’m worried about? Cac. So many things. In terms of you—I guess being selfish—I really should be more interested in your job, family, yada, yada, yada.’
‘Yeah, you’ve come a long way.’ He laughs.
‘I’m trying.’
‘I know.’ He reaches for my knee with his spare hand. ‘So, anything else?’
I get all shifty. Roll my shoulders. ‘Apart from being invisible?’
‘That’s not a worry. That’s you.’
‘Then … I don’t know.’
‘Something painful from your past you’re worried about telling me?’ Tom is fishing. He wants to know about Ma.
I squirm some more and shrug. I don’t want to go there. Instead I say, ‘Tamara.’
He laughs. ‘You’re kidding right?’ Then he sees my expression. ‘Look. Tamara is my history, I can’t change it. She’ll always be part of me like Felix is part of you.’
‘But Felix and I have never been together.’
‘That’s not the point. You’ve met Tam, you know how ridiculous it is to feel threatened by her. I’ve never met Felix, and it’s obvious how much you like him.’
‘Love him,’ I correct.
‘Right.’ He rolls his eyes. ‘Thanks for pointing that out.’
‘But she’s gorgeous and she lives like a block from your house.’
Tom frowns. ‘This is exactly the problem.’ He tips the last dregs of coffee down his throat. ‘You don’t trust me.’
‘What?’
He stands up, looking for the waitress to pay the bill. ‘You heard me.’
Outside I link my arm through Tom’s, thinking about what he said about trust. I try to consider what he’s feeling. I know he’s not really referring to Tamara. He’s talking about my Ma, my dad, everything I’m hiding.
‘I guess it must hurt that I don’t tell you things. But it’s not that I don’t trust you—I’m trying to spare you. I don’t want you to have to deal with all my damage.’
‘But I want to know.’
‘You want me dredging up all the cac that’s happened to me over the years? You’re a sadist. We’ll be here for hours.’
‘Not everything, just the important stuff—like your mum.’
I step away from him. ‘I can’t. It’s too much.’
Tom watches me. ‘See?’
I wrap my arms around my stomach. I’ve got no response. We walk in silence for a while. The people up here have a slower stride; they are less urgent, more likely to stop and talk to each other, there are more dogs, fewer phones. These people are different and they only live two hours from me. What are people on the other side of the world like? I’m crazy curious all of a sudden.
‘I never got to tell you what I love about you,’ Tom says as we reach the car.
He’s trying to make it up to me. I’m happy to play along. ‘I’m listening.’
He leans against the car and pulls me toward him so our hips are jammed together. His gaze is better than any sentiment that can come out of his mouth so I’m happy just to stand there and shower in it.
Still, the words are nice when they come. ‘You’re better than beautiful, Olive. I love your mind—you’re clever and funny and all that stuff. I love that you don’t stop thinking, that you’ve got an opinion on everything and you’re not afraid to say it.’ He drops his head to his chest and fingers a button on my shirt. ‘And your heart—when you point it my way—it’s the most amazing feeling in the world.’
‘It’s always pointed your way,’ I tell him.
‘Not always. But enough.’ Our foreheads tip together. ‘I wouldn’t complain if it was more.’
His nose nudges mine and we kiss. It’s soft and quiet, full of tenderness I’ve felt only from him. I reach up to place my hands on his chest, to feel the beat of his heart.
‘That’s another thing I love about you,’ says Tom as we pull apart. ‘There’s no such thing as PDA. We can make out wherever we want.’
‘If you don’t mind looking like a fool.’
‘That’s why I keep my eyes open.’
I laugh. ‘You’re such a weirdo.’
‘We’re a perfect match.’ He pushes my hair back off my face. ‘I wish I’d never introduced Rose to my family. I want them to meet the real you. You’re the crazy I love.’
It makes me happier than I thought it would. ‘I’d like to meet them too,’ I say, without thinking.
It makes him smile but then his face drops. ‘But we do have a problem.’
Surely not another one. ‘What is it?’
‘My family. They want to see Rose again. They’ve been inviting her to picnics, baby showers, school trivia nights—the whole deal.’
‘You haven’t told Rose have you?’
‘Of course not. But I’m running out of excuses.’
‘Don’t worry. We’ll think of something.’ I reach up and kiss his nose. ‘I’m glad that’s all you’re worried about. I thought you’d say …’ I stop in my tracks. I don’t want to get into anything heavier, but Tom finishes for me.
‘Our future?’
In a frightening moment of clarity I realise that Tom has thought a lot about this, then he says, ‘Let’s go to the lookout.’ He unlocks the car and opens the door for me to climb in. He’s avoiding something. It’s all very suspicious.
‘Is that what you wanted to “talk through”?’ I ask him. ‘Our future?’
He sighs. ‘I don’t know. I don’t know how to talk without stuffing up the day.’
Neither do I. It’s not very encouraging.
I think we’re both grateful for the distraction of the traffic. The car in front has a small boy who starts making faces out the back window. I make them back for my own amusement.
‘You don’t like kids, do you?’ Tom glances at me. ‘Lucky he can’t see you.’
‘Would serve him right.’
‘Do you want kids? I mean, eventually?’
I squirm. It seems a decision to make a million years from now. ‘I don’t know, I’ve never thought about it. I still feel like a kid myself.’ I look at Tom’s profile, staring straight ahead at the road. He doesn’t shift his expression. ‘Why? Have you?’
‘Not until I met you.’ It should make me happy but I know there is more to it.
‘W
hat do you mean by that?’
‘It means I was never serious enough about anyone to consider it, until you came along.’
Again, it should flatter me, but I’m freaking out. ‘You want a baby? Jesus. I’m seventeen!’
He pulls at his collar uncomfortably. ‘I want a future, Olive. But I just don’t know how it would work.’
I shake my head in disbelief. ‘You’re dumping me?’
‘What? No. How did it get to dumping? I was talking about kids …’
‘Freaking hell, Thomas, why are you talking about kids?’
‘I don’t know, I’ve just thought about it, okay?’ He is upset, concerned, worried, all of those things. I try not to panic. ‘How would it work? Would our baby be invisible?’ he asks. ‘If it’s not, how would I explain a baby in the house if my mum came to visit?’ He’s getting frantic now, his neck muscles are rigid. ‘Would I have to do everything? You couldn’t even push a pram down the street without someone calling the police. How would you even give birth? Would I have to deliver it?’
The stream of revelations coming from him have me in a mild state of shock. I feel numb. I hadn’t thought about any of this. No wonder he wants to know about my Ma. He’s not interested in getting to know the real me, he wants facts, logistics, practicalities.
Tom puts his hand on my knee. ‘Sorry, I don’t mean to freak you out it’s just, you know, we were talking about our worries …’
‘No. You’re right.’ My voice is just a whisper. ‘It would be an impossible way to live,’ I hear myself saying. Why are so many things in my life impossible?
‘It doesn’t have to be,’ he tries to assure me. ‘We’ll figure it out. I’m not saying we have to have kids at all. I just wanted to talk about it because it’s been on my mind. With Marnie around, it’s hard not to think about babies …’
He says something else—he goes on and on—but I don’t hear him. I’ve slipped into darkness. I’m light-years away. Our time, Tom and me, is finite. We’re seesawing on the edge of terminal.
CHAPTER
29
Tom and I pretend we never had that conversation. Weeks pass and we go about trying to be normal. We do okay. I even agree to introduce him to Felix. So we’re sitting outside Felix’s house in Tom’s car. Tom is kissing me over the gearbox. My fingers find his shirt buttons. ‘Your shirt is clean,’ I notice, mumbling it into his kiss.
‘Just trying to make a good impression,’ he mutters back.
I pull away with a bemused smile. ‘You do know the guy’s blind, right?’
‘I’m sure he can still smell.’
‘Fair point. Hey you should go and get him. You’re making us late.’
Tom collapses back against his seat. ‘I’m supposed to get him? I don’t even know the dude.’
‘Well I can’t knock on the door can I? What if his mum answers?’
‘He’s allowed to live with his mum then?’
I raise an eyebrow. ‘He’s blind.’
‘Yeah. Right. Just a sec then.’
It is truly bizarre watching Tom emerge from the front door with Felix’s hand hooked over his shoulder. I organised this little get-together for Tom’s sake, but as I watch them side-by-side, I’m not sure I want this to happen. I love them both separately. Is it possible to love them together?
I snicker as I realise Felix has dressed up too; his dark hair is gelled, he has on dark jeans, a leather jacket and sunglasses.
‘Hey bub, what are you, a vampire slayer?’ I say, climbing out of the cab when Tom opens the door for Felix.
Felix doesn’t miss a beat. ‘I look that cool? Awesome.’ He climbs in and pats his knee. ‘Come and sit on my lap, Buffy.’
Tom laughs and I scowl, folding my limbs to fit back in the ute. ‘As if you’d even know how cool a vampire slayer looked, blindy.’
Tom shoots me a horrified expression as he shuts the door on us.
‘Tom is upset I called you blindy,’ I explain as Tom walks around to his side of the car. ‘I told you he was super nice. Tell him you like it,’ I say to Felix. ‘You’re making me look like a witch.’
‘Sweetie pie you’re doing that all by yourself.’
Tom laughs again and I growl.
‘So where are we going?’ Tom asks, knocking his knuckles against the steering wheel.
‘There’s a UNICEF photography exhibition at the state gallery?’ I suggest hopefully.
Felix jabs me in the ribs. ‘That’ll be real fun for me.’
‘The circus then,’ I say, rolling my eyes. ‘Band of misfits like us will fit right in.’
‘What about the pub?’ Felix says.
‘Good idea,’ Tom agrees.
I groan. ‘Come on, it’s a beautiful day. We should do something outside.’
Felix opens his mouth to speak but I put my finger on his lips to shush him. ‘And I don’t mean a beer garden.’
‘Beer garden would be good,’ Tom says.
‘But not good enough.’ I glance out the back window of the ute and see Tom’s board tucked to one side. Of course. ‘Tommy baby. Teach us how to surf!’ I say, clapping my hands.
You can see both the boys’ brains scramble with the logistics.
‘I guess …’ Tom says, trying not to be all judgemental about the blind guy. ‘What do you think Felix?’
‘Thrashing around in the surf hoping I don’t slice open someone’s skull with my fin? Sounds tops.’
‘Yeah Olive. Let’s think of something else,’ Tom says, frowning.
‘Just drive, Adonis. That’s his way of saying yes.’ Tom looks doubtful but I lean over and turn on the ignition, kissing his cheek as I do. ‘A quiet beach.’
‘Adonis?’ Felix notes as I settle back onto his lap.
I put on a California girl accent. ‘Yeah bub, you should see the bod on this righteous dude.’
‘Bub doesn’t seem so great anymore,’ Felix mutters.
I grin but he can’t see it so I lean back and peck his cheek too.
Tom glances sideways at us. He doesn’t say anything but he isn’t smiling anymore. Is he jealous? Too bad if he is. Felix is my best friend, he can just deal with it.
It turns out Tom is a terribly strict teacher. He has us doing drills on the sand for what seems like hours before he lets us into the water. Jumping up, lying back down, jumping up, and lying back down. I feel like a syncopated pogo stick.
Tom had his board shorts in the back and looks Adonis as ever, but poor Felix is forced to strip down to his grubby white trunks; they’re not stained, they’re just not too new. I’m quite pleased with my getup considering the spontaneous necessity; I’ve got on my knee-length black leggings, which were under my daisy print frock, and my red bra is more of a bustier, so just by whipping off my dress I’ve almost managed retro 1950s bathers. The lack of bathers has Felix cursing, but I assure him the beach is pretty much deserted down our end so we don’t look too nuts in our undies. (As if I have to worry.)
It’s much more fun in the water. Tom has his longboard so it’s easy to surf in twos. I ride with Felix. We don’t bother getting up, we just lie on our tummies, me in front guiding us in. It’s a bit intimate; his stomach pressed against my butt, his chin between my shoulder blades.
We fall into the white wash and laugh a lot. Felix is holding his hands over his head, freaking out that the board is going to smack him in the head. He’s so funny, I’m worried I’ll cramp up and drown laughing.
I ride with Tom too. It’s much more intimate, even though we don’t touch half as much as Felix and I did. The tide is out and the waves break long and low, so you can ride them for miles. Tom stands up first, pulling me up by the hand and wrapping his arms around me. We make it quite a while before we fall. My balance is pretty damn good so after a while I try it on my own. Tom stands chest deep and pushes me onto the waves. I can’t do any of those fancy moves you see real surfers do, but it still feels amazing.
I paddle out to him, to get another wave, but h
e stops the board and plants a kiss on my face. ‘You’re so adorable.’ He manoeuvres us over a breaker. ‘Can I ask you something?’
‘To call you the king of the surf gods?’
He doesn’t even smile, he licks his lips, nervous. It makes me nervous. ‘It might be a completely stupid idea but—should we move in together?’
I’m shocked. I’m stunned. I lie on the board mute and smiling, a beauty-queen surfer with wave-fright. I can’t believe he’s serious, especially considering his concerns about how our future could work.
‘I know it’s a huge step. And we’d have to speak to Rose.’
‘She could move in with Mal!’ I shout above the waves.
‘U-huh.’ He grins.
My brow furrows. ‘You can’t move in with me just because you feel bad about Rose and Malcolm.’
His smile is wicked. He pulls the board closer so we’re face to face. ‘You know it’s more than that.’
‘You want my body.’
‘I want you.’
He wants me! I’d never expected he’d ask me this. Not in a billion trillion years. I splash about happy as a dolphin. ‘How soon can we do it?’
He laughs. ‘I don’t know. Maybe when you’re eighteen?’
‘Kind of a traditional lamb chop aren’t you?’
‘With the things that matter—yes.’ He studies me seriously. ‘So you like the idea?’
‘I love it!’ Then he’s kissing me over the surfboard, his lips saltwater, and my worries about our future fly away with the seagulls over the wide blue horizon.
I catch a wave into shore, high with the thrill of Tom’s question. I cry out to Felix on the beach. ‘You should see me, Felix! I’m doing it! I’m really doing it!’
He yells out whoops of congratulations from his towel. I tumble off and grab the board, pulling it onto the sand with me. It’s pretty heavy, so I drag it a few metres clear of the high-tide mark and leave it, collapsing onto the towel beside Felix.
‘You’re pale as china. You’re going to burn, bub.’
‘Not the sleek bronze of your Adonis, I imagine.’
‘Nothing like it.’
I watch Tom power himself onto a wave and body surf in after me.
The Impossible Story of Olive In Love Page 16