by Nikki Chase
Maybe it was when we were sitting on his couch, watching a movie with his niece.
Maybe it was when he told me he loved me.
Maybe it was when he first pointed a rifle at me at the cabin.
Maybe it was when I first saw him at the cupcake shop.
Or maybe … Maybe Eli has always been the one that I want. I just thought that it was impossible, that he didn’t want me.
And I settled for someone who did want me. David.
Ironically, in all those years we were apart, Eli actually did want me. He said it himself. He never even touched another girl.
And now that I’ve finally realized what I want, it’s too late. I’ve pushed him away.
But it’s okay, right? I’ve survived without Eli before. I can do it again. I could function without him.
As my mind cruelly plays back the highlight reel of my short time with Eli in Ashbourne, I realize something. Something heartbreaking. Soul-crushing.
I was never truly alive when I was away from Eli. I was just … functioning. I looked normal enough to the people around me, enough to not draw undue attention.
I even managed to forget what it had been like to be with Eli. I managed to fool myself into thinking it had all been youthful foolishness.
But now that I’ve tasted what it feels like to truly live again, for the second time … How can I forget? How can I ever forget again?
I should’ve … I should’ve stayed in Ashbourne. Kept my mouth shut and pretended I didn’t know about my infertility until Eli had married me. Pretended that calamitous moment in the doctor’s office had never happened.
Maybe Eli would stay with me until we’re old and grey. Perhaps we’d even be happy, even if we couldn’t fulfill every single one of our dreams, even if we’d only have our parents and Eli’s niece to keep us company.
Or maybe it would go in a completely different direction. Maybe he’d come to resent me when he inevitably found out about me keeping the truth hidden from him. I’ve never been a good liar.
No. I have to stop torturing myself with all these what-ifs. They’re useless. What good can come from obsessing about what could’ve been?
I saw the truth on Eli’s face when I told him what was wrong with me by the door of this very bus.
The shock. The disappointment. The heartbreak.
The crackle of the sound system jars me back to reality as the bus driver announces, “We’ll be arriving in San Francisco in about fifteen minutes. The weather is …”
I tune out at the mention of the weather. Who cares? I can look outside and figure out what the weather is like. The ground is wet but the sun is out. Judging by the kind of jackets people are wearing, it’s probably about 40 degrees outside.
I steer my thoughts toward what I’ll do as soon as I reach the station. I’ve got more pressing issues than Eli.
I’ll take a cab to the old apartment I shared with David. Pack up my things into boxes. Look at rental listings online. Make some calls to find out if my friends know of any job vacancies that match my skill set.
At least, I’ll be busy. Hopefully, too busy to think about Eli.
The bus enters the terminal and grinds to a halt, the brake making a squeaking noise. I keep my butt on the seat as people hurriedly get up, hauling their heavy backpacks and raucous children with them.
When there’s a break in the stream of people in the narrow aisle, I follow them toward the front of the bus, hoping nobody will mistakenly grab my bag in their haste to get off the bus.
The driver glances up at me as I walk past. “Your friend should’ve joined us. There was plenty of room on the bus.”
I frown. Is he talking about Eli? A bit strange to bring that up now, even if the bus was pretty sparsely filled.
Giving him a polite smile, I head down the steps.
That’s when I realize what the driver meant.
My jaw drops. I thought I had run out of tears. But as soon as I catch sight of him, fresh tears spring to my eyes.
Green, checkered flannel shirt under a black coat.
Broad shoulders perfect for me to lean my head on.
Strong arms that make me feel like there’s no safer place in the world when I’m in his embrace.
Dark, messy hair blowing in the wind.
Bloodshot, tired eyes, darting all over the place as he cranes his neck, looking for someone. Me.
Eli.
Sophia
“Eli,” I whisper under my breath.
I’m afraid if I speak too loud, he’ll evaporate like all the Eli-shaped ghosts that have appeared in my dreams over the years. They always vanished as soon as I realized I was in yet another dream.
There’s no possible way this is real.
I’m probably already in my city apartment, lying in the bed I used to share with David. My first night in the city. I’m lonely and missing him. No wonder he’d show up in my dream.
I slowly shake my head and try to focus on the moment. I have to enjoy this dream while it lasts.
Stepping onto the vivid asphalt, I walk straight toward Eli. I’ve wasted precious time in past dreams, doing unimportant things like taking my dream-luggage from the bottom of the dream-bus. I’m not making the same mistake now.
Eli’s dark eyes focus on me. Leaning back on a pillar, he looks exhausted and relieved at the same time.
The tears that roll down my cheeks feel real. Wet.
Without saying anything, I walk through the crowd. Eli does the same.
Wordlessly, we embrace.
He’s warm. He tightens his arms around me. His hand pulls my head closer until I’m leaning on his chest, listening to his heartbeat.
“Sophia … God, I thought I’d lost you.” His breath turns into white water vapor in the air before it disappears.
I drag air into my lungs and let the scent of Eli’s musk fill my nostrils.
I’ve never smelled him in my dream before.
“Pinch me,” I say.
“What?” Eli pulls away and stares at me, frowning.
“If this is a dream, I want to know now. Because the longer this goes on, the more it’ll hurt when I wake up.”
Eli traps my face in his hands and kisses my forehead, then grazes his lips against mine. I open up to let him in, and he gives me the gentlest, lightest kiss ever.
Yeah, this will hurt like hell when I wake up.
“Eli, pinch me,” I say into his mouth.
“This is not a dream, princess,” he whispers into my ear, his facial hair rubbing against my cheek. “This is real.”
That’s exactly what dream-Eli would say.
“Ouch,” I exclaim when I feel the sting of my own fingers on the back of my hand.
Eli smiles even though sadness remains in his eyes. “Did you just pinch yourself?”
“Yeah.” I stare at him, studying every detail on his face.
The fuzz on his face. The pores on his skin. The veins running along his neck.
My dreams aren’t this detailed.
Maybe this is real, after all. But then …
“What are you doing here?” I ask as tears continue to stream down my face.
“How else was I supposed to talk to you? You changed your number,” he says softly, his hand caressing my skin, wiping away my tears.
I did. In my foolishness, I thought I could survive without ever talking to Eli again.
But how could I live without these arms around me, without these hands touching me, without this voice in my ears?
Hope rises in my chest, filling me with warmth despite the crisp, cold, winter air.
But maybe he’s only here for closure. I did end our conversation abruptly, after all. Perhaps he wants to say goodbye properly before walking away from me forever.
“Why would you want to talk to me?” I ask.
“Princess, what did I tell you?”
I blink, letting more tears escape my eyes. “You told me a lot of things.”
“I’ve told
you the same thing over and over again, princess.” Eli’s lips quirk up into a small smile. “I’m not going to lose you a second time. I lost you once, and it almost killed me. I can’t go through that again. Please don’t put me through that again,” he says, his voice breaking.
Somehow, I manage to speak past the lump in my throat. “It almost killed me, too.”
“See? We’re supposed to be together. I can’t be without you, princess,” he says.
“Me neither.”
“So please, don’t ever leave me again,” he says.
I gaze into his dark eyes. “You … After what I told you, you’d still have me?”
Eli stares at me intently. “All I know is I couldn’t possibly forgive myself if I let you go again.”
“But … You did hear what I told you, right? Just before the bus left?”
My heart pounds as I stare at Eli. I’m sure it only takes a second for him to answer, but time feels like it’s stretching forever.
“Of course, I did, princess,” Eli says.
So, why won’t he say it?
I watch him closely. “Tell me what I said.”
“What?”
“Tell me what I told you. At the bus stop this morning,” I say quickly, stumbling all over my words in my haste.
Did he make a mistake? Does he even know what a big mistake he might be making now?
“You said you couldn’t have children,” he says gently, his eyes flicking away for a moment like he’s afraid of hurting me.
“Yes. And …?”
“And what?” he asks.
“And that’s okay with you?”
“You can’t have biological children,” he repeats. “Big deal. We can always adopt, can’t we?”
I study every detail of his facial expression. Every line. Every breath. Every flicker of his gaze.
I don’t want to miss a lie today and regret it years down the line when it’ll be too late. I want to make sure Eli really has made peace with the fact that I shared with him mere hours ago.
“Unless you don’t want to do that,” Eli adds. “In which case, I’ll still be okay with it. I’ll be happy as long as you’re with me.”
I shake my head. “I just … Are you sure? You’ve always wanted your own kids. Even when we were younger, remember how you wondered if our babies would look more like you or more like me?”
“Yes, I remember everything,” he says.
“You said you hoped they’d have my eyes.”
“I know. It doesn’t matter,” he says.
“It doesn’t matter? The dream you’ve always had for years doesn’t matter anymore?” I ask in disbelief.
“Look, princess, the dream is to share a life with you,” he says. “It’s not about what our future kids would look like. It’s about growing old with you.
“As I grow older, I’ve learned that things don’t always go according to my plans. I wanted to go to the city with you, but I had to stay behind to help my mom take care of Nicole.
“I still regret losing the opportunity to spend seven years with you. That’s a long damn time. But I don’t regret watching Nicole grow up. I don’t regret staying in Ashbourne instead of in the city.
“Don’t you see what I mean?” Eli puts his hands on my shoulders and levels his gaze at me.
I shake my head. I think I get it, but I need him to say it.
Eli pauses to think. “Anything in my life can change. I can deal with that. Anything.
“Except for you. It doesn’t matter where I live or what I do. The only thing that I can’t deal with, is losing you.
“I didn’t know that seven years ago, and I ended up hurting you. I’m still sorry for that. It kills me to know it pained you as much as it did me.
“I can’t turn back the time, princess. But I can try to make up for my mistake and try to do better this time, if you’ll let me have the chance again.”
I remain silent as I let Eli’s words sink in. I can tell from the determination in his eyes that he means every word, and my heart is telling me to believe him.
“Will you let me have another chance, princess? I promise I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy,” he says.
I nod.
“Really?” he asks, his eyes gazing deep into mine. His whole body freezes as he waits for me to answer.
“Yes,” I say. “Yes, Eli, I’ll … I want us to try again.”
Eli laughs, filling my ears with the beautiful, happy sound. “You don’t know how happy you’ve made me.”
“I do.” I throw my arms around him. “I do. Because I’m happy, too.”
Eli wraps his arms around me so tight it gets hard for me to breathe. Sometimes, he doesn’t know his own strength.
I tap him on the shoulder, and he pulls away to look at me.
“I couldn’t breathe.”
“Sorry. I’m so sorry.” Eli strokes my hair with gentle hands like he’s touching a fragile china doll. “Are you okay?”
I giggle. “Yeah. I’m fine. You can hold me again. But just … not that hard.”
Eli wraps his strong arms around me, leaving me with plenty of room to breathe. “I’m so, so happy right now, princess.
“I swear to you, whatever it takes, I’ll fight for us. Please promise me you’ll never leave me like that again. If something’s not working, please tell me, and I’ll fix it for you.”
“Okay.” I lean my head against Eli’s broad chest and listen to his breathing. “I’m sorry for doing that.”
I feel a tap on my shoulder from behind and I look over my shoulder to find the bus driver staring at me flatly through his round glasses.
“Miss, your bag is still in the bus.” He glances at his watch impatiently. “I really have to go now.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” I say, letting go of Eli.
Eli and I share a look.
“I’ll get it,” Eli says, both of us giggling as we walk toward the bus.
Eli grabs the handle of my bag and yanks it out with one hand like it was nothing.
“Sorry, Sir,” Eli says to the bus driver.
The man replies with a grunt as he climbs into the vehicle and shuts the door behind him.
Eli turns to look at me, and we both burst into another fit of laughter.
“To his credit, the guy takes his schedule seriously,” Eli says, still chuckling. “But he really can’t read the room, can he?”
“I can’t believe he didn’t make a single comment about our tearful, emotional reunion,” I say. “I mean, maybe to him, we just look silly because we literally just met earlier today in Ashbourne.”
“Maybe he thinks I have a twin brother.” Eli grins. He slings his arm around my shoulders and pulls me flush against his warm body. He kisses my forehead. “So, where are we going?”
Eli
“The whole drive to the city, I kept hoping I could catch you in time. I’m so glad my prayer was heard,” I say as my truck glides over the smooth asphalt of the highway.
“I kept wishing I’d come earlier this morning,” I say. “I told myself, if only I had more time, maybe I could’ve convinced you to stay. But I had to take Nicole to the doctor, and I was lucky to reach the bus stop in time.”
“How did you even know I’d be there?” Sophia asks.
I glance toward the passenger seat. Sophia is looking right at me, tilting her head in confusion.
She looks adorable when she’s like that. But then again, she always does.
“I just knew.” I’m aware this vague, evasive answer won’t satisfy her, but I can’t think of a better one.
“Liar. You’re not telling me something,” she says.
I grin. Sometimes I forget how well Sophia can read me. “I can’t.”
Not unless I want to risk the wrath of my future father-in-law.
“Come on.” Sophia lightly slaps my arm.
It feels like nothing, but I yelp like a wounded dog. “Hey, violence is never the answer.”
“Says
the guy who pointed a rifle at a helpless, naked woman who was just looking for a warm place to take shelter in the storm,” Sophia says.
“Okay, for starters, it wasn’t storming yet. Also, I didn’t know it was you. It could’ve been some bum. I couldn’t see anything but your hair. A guy bum could have long hair, too. A violent, guy bum,”
“Come on!” Sophia exclaims. “I wash my hair, condition it, and even put some special oil in it to make it shiny. You really thought this hair belonged to some bum?”
“I couldn’t see how shiny it was from where I was standing. I was just taking a peek through the window, remember?” I laugh as I take the exit off of the highway.
“So …?”
“So, what? So, I couldn’t tell it was shiny, beautiful, glorious hair.”
“Not that,” Sophia says. “How did you know I was going to be at the bus stop?”
Damn it. I thought my little distraction trick had worked. But, of course, Sophia is smarter than that.
“I can’t tell you.”
Sophia sighs dramatically. “And I thought today was going to mark a new era for both of us. An era of honesty, when we’d always tell the truth, no matter what.”
Again, I laugh. Nobody makes me laugh like she does.
“Okay, okay,” I say in defeat. “I’ll tell you.”
Even without turning my head, I can tell Sophia is grinning. I can see her perfect rows of white teeth just fine. I’ll bet she takes great care of those, too.
“But, not now,” I add.
Sophia groans.
“I wish I could tell you, princess. But I really can’t. My hands are tied.” At the very least, I’d have to ask Mr. York if he’d be okay with me telling her before actually doing it.
“Excuses, excuses.” Sophia sighs. “So, when are you going to tell me?”
I glance at her and give her a smile as I squeeze her hand with mine. “On the day of our wedding.”
Sophia’s fake frown disappears, replaced with a sweet, radiant smile. A smile I wish to see on her lovely face when she walks down the aisle in her white dress.
“Deal,” she says.
“Deal.”
“Hey, this isn’t the way to Ashbourne,” Sophia says as she looks around us at the thick woods and the winding road.
“Took you long enough to realize,” I say. “I’m worried how you’d fare in a kidnapping situation.”