by Erik Foge
As soon as he said it, the RPG slammed into the left side of the Humvee, and screams of pain exploded in my ears. The blast ripped off the left side of Jim’s face, exposing burnt muscle and parts of his skull. Parker was killed instantly from the blast. Ray yelled at me to get out, and members of al Qaeda reloaded their weapons. He jumped out, aimed his M4 carbine, fired and killed several individuals. I crawled out while rounds of AK-47s penetrated the skin of the Humvee, and high-pitched pinging rattled my ears.
“Incoming!” Ray yelled as a wire-guided rocket whizzed toward us. Part of the bridge exploded, kicking up asphalt and dirt. I crawled back to the Humvee and grabbed the radio receiver.
“Company X-Ray, this is Victor Six!”
“Victor Six, this is Company X-Ray. Go ahead,” came the reply.
“Company X-Ray, Victor Six wants to report we are taking heavy fire on both forward flanks! Requesting a QRF!15”
I smashed the button on the dashboard and yelled into the receiver, “Sending Victor Six’s current grid Via Blue Force Tracker! Prepare to receive! Out!”
Then I crawled behind a bridge pillar, squatted down and prepared to fire. I saw members of al Qaeda approaching on my right flank, and I opened fire. After the first rounds all I heard was a constant low-pitched ringing in my ears, and with each round fired, a dull sharp pain punched my eardrums. Ray and I emptied magazine after magazine, but the al Qaeda started to outflank us and inched closer and closer.
“Where in the fuck is our QRF!”’ Ray screamed.
“They should be coming,” I said between rounds, “and they’ve got our location via Blue Force Tracker!”
“Another RPG round went off, and Ray shielded himself behind a bridge pillar. He took a quick glance and then repositioned himself to get a better aim. That was his last move. When I looked again, I saw Ray’s lifeless body slumped over. I burned with rage and cursed like you’ve never heard.
“Then I heard low muffled engines and the dull thumping sounds of an M242 Bushmaster chain-fed auto-cannon. The al Qaeda scattered like roaches when a light comes on. I heard orders barked amongst the gunfire as members of the US Army set up defensive positions and slowly advanced across the bridge. Then a large explosion rocked the ground from missiles being launched from an Apache Helicopter. The thirty-millimeter automatic Boeing M230 chain gun mopped up what was left from the missiles. The day was over for me, but I lost three of my best friends.
“It was my fault they died because I gave the wrong directions.”
Jamie, looking pale and blinking back tears, wrapped her arms around him. “It’s not your fault.” Erik tried to break away from her hug, but she squeezed tighter. “It’s okay, let it go.”
“I miss them. And the ache in my heart didn’t go away.”
“I know you do.” Jamie rubbed his back and placed his head on her chest. “I am sorry, babe. I know it’s hard for you.”
Erik began to sob. He hated it, but he couldn’t help it.
“Babe, I love you so much. I’m so proud of you.”
“I’ve lost so many friends. I’m tired of it.” He sniffed and buried his face in her chest.
“I know.” She patted his back.
But Erik knew she would never understand. Not this and not all the other experiences he had faced that he continued to hide. Only those who’ve been in such a situation would have had any possible idea of the terror and the lasting trauma. Erik sighed. Sometimes surviving sucked. It’s the second time he had broken down since Jamie had known him, and she seemed happy that he did so. He had to admit that it felt good to let it out. To tell someone.
Jamie lifted his head, rubbed his cheek and smiled. “Can I ask a personal question?”
He nodded, though his gut knotted up a little.
“What’s it like when you kill someone?”
Erik took a deep breath, wiped his eyes and began to drive again. Jamie waited patiently for his answer.
He finally said, “That’s a tough one to answer.” He glanced at her, then shook his head. “It’s not like in the movies. They get it all wrong. Being a soldier or working for the agency is a messy job when you have to go into a combat situation. You go in knowing that you’ll have to kill or be killed, but that’s only the first step.” Erik pondered a little more before he continued, “And if you’re lucky, you get out with your ass in one piece, but the battle continues psychologically speaking.” He took a deep sigh. “Killing a fellow human being is not as easy as killing an animal. You’ll be haunted by that dead man’s image for the rest of your life.”
“Do you have those?”
Erik nodded.
Finally, they arrived at the hotel. Erik parked the car, and they headed to their room where they got out of their uniforms and back into civilian clothes. Once dressed, they headed down to a local café and sat outside. Erik was still troubled. Every time he remembered, he relived it. He wished he could forget. And then there was his failure today.
Jamie rubbed her finger over the creases in his brow. “It’s okay, babe. Really.”
Erik shook his head. “No matter what I did to try to help the Allies, it was pointless. No matter how hard I tried to make them listen, they wouldn’t.”
“You tried your best to warn them. That’s all you could have done.”
“Tried? What I did was sign the death warrants for the Polish Independent Parachute Brigade at Arnhem. Me and my big mouth. Damn it!” Erik threw a napkin to the ground and stood up.
Jamie stared at him with a worried look in her eyes.
“Sorry …” he said. “Would you like some wine?”
She nodded.
“Be right back.”
Jamie watched him head off to get the wine. She had never seen him like this before and would hate to see him if he really lost his temper. At least she felt she could help by supporting him and encouraging him to talk about the terrible things he had seen. She wondered how many more such stories he had that she might never hear, then glanced at her diamond ring again. It gave her great pleasure that she was engaged to the man she loved, and she felt in perfect harmony with the accordion music that played in the background. Suddenly, shadows covered Jamie. She stared up and saw a grinning soldier hovering over her. He looked her over from head to toe.
“Hey Frank, look at this dish,” he called over his shoulder, and another soldier strolled over as the first one asked, “Do you think she speaks English?”
“It doesn’t matter for what I’m going to do to her.” They both chuckled and rubbed their chins while they discussed things they’d do to her.
Jamie stood, but the soldiers positioned themselves one behind her and the other to her left side. She scanned around, looking for Erik. Other customers looked her way. “I can speak English,” she said, as she glared at both of them. She felt as if a spider was crawling up her back. “And my husband will be back soon. He won’t be happy about what you’ve been talking about.” She saw Erik heading in her direction, and a wave of relief washed over her.
The soldier behind her played with her hair. “Well, you might have to tell him you found someone else.” They both laughed. Jamie tried to leave, but he held her shoulders. “Oh no, you’re not going anywhere.”
“If you know what’s good for you,” Jamie said as she turned and stared him in the eye, “you’ll go elsewhere before my husband gets here.”
“Ha!” the soldier said, still grinning. “I think we can handle him.”
“Be smart and think again,” Erik said as he placed his two glasses of wine on the table.
The soldiers turned to face him. “Hey, you brought us some wine. Thanks,” the first one said.
Erik’s eyes darkened and took on a ferocious intensity. He glanced at a knife on the table. The soldier on the left picked up a glass and threw it on the floor. Jamie breathed heavily, fearing what Erik would do. “Hey guys, this is my husband, Erik,” she said trying to defuse the situation.
The one behind Jamie pulled her ba
ck and chuckled. “Hey, Erik, you speak English?”
The soldier on the left shoved Erik. “Yeah, Erik, do you speak English?”
Erik calmly looked to his left. “Would you prefer a different language, or should I ask, are you able to comprehend another?”
Jamie swallowed. Erik appeared calm and cool, but she knew he was boiling inside.
The soldier shoved again. “Frank, he thinks he’s a wise guy.”
Frank focused his attention on Erik. “You think you’re a wise guy? Why don’t you scram and get me and Richard some more wine. We’ll give her back after we’re done with her.”
“Seriously, guys,” Jamie said in a rush, “you really don’t want to mess with him. He’s had a really bad day.” They all ignored her. Even Erik. Men are so stupid sometimes, Jamie thought.
“Let her go, Dick,” Erik demanded with emphasis on the last word.
Richard snarled and his eyes narrowed. “What did you call me?”
Erik stepped forward, and Jamie’s stomach fluttered with anxiety. She remembered when they first met, how Erik took two jerks, who were trying to assault her, on with little to no effort.
“I called you Dick, which is very appropriate considering your behavior.”
“Hey, Frank, I wonder where his uniform is.” Richard tried a different way to antagonize Erik. “Where’s your uniform, Erik? Or are you too much of a pussy to wear one?”
Jamie shook her head in disbelief. The soldiers clearly wanted a fight, but she was pretty sure they were going to get more than they bargained for. Well, she did try to warn them.
Erik took a step closer, glanced at the knife, and stared at the soldiers with complete apathy. His left knee lifted slowly. Jamie’s heart beat faster. She feared what was about to happen, and rightly so because, at that moment, Erik launched a blitzkrieg attack.
He pushed Jamie out of the way, and before she knew what was happening, one of the soldiers was on the ground, screaming and clutching his kneecap. Erik grabbed the knife off the table and kneed Richard in the groin. Richard’s eyes bugged out from the pain, and he began to slide down, but Erik grabbed his neck and thrust him against the window and held the knife to his throat.
“She’s right,” Erik said in an acid tone. “I’m having a really bad day.” He pondered for a second. “Make that a bad year. But that’s not the issue. What you need to know is that I’m going to kill you now. Would you like to know how I’m going to do it?” Erik’s eyes narrowed and his hands squeezed harder on Richard’s neck. “I’m going to slit your throat from ear-to-ear and then pull out your tongue.”
“Erik, no! Don’t do it! He’s not worth it!” Jamie wanted to touch his arm, to hold him back, but she was scared he would react badly.
Erik just stared at Jamie. She pleaded with her eyes.
Frank moaned in pain. “You broke my knee, you bastard!”
Erik stared down at Frank and looked back at Richard, who was turning purple, and thrust his knee several more times into his groin. Then he released Richard, who curled up in a fetal position on the ground. Erik turned to Frank. A malevolent grin appeared on his face.
“Hey, man. I’m sorry. Okay,” Frank said. “You’ve made your point. No more, okay.”
Before Jamie could say she agreed, Erik raised his left foot and stomped on the GI’s left ankle, which caused a muffled cracking sound. Frank screamed in pain. Members of the Sûreté Nationale came running toward Erik with their pistols drawn.
“Officier, il essaiyait de me protéger! Officer he was trying to protect me!” Jamie said. Fortunately for Erik, Jamie speaks, reads, and understands French fluently. She suddenly realized that the rest of the customers outside the café had either got up and left or were standing ready to flee and stared at her fiancé as if he were a monster on the loose.
The officers pushed her out of the way and started giving orders: “Tu arrêtes! Mettez vos mains en l’air! You stop! Put your hands up!”
One of them aimed his pistol at Erik. Erik raised his hands to shoulder level, while he stared into the police officer’s eyes. Then he grabbed the officer’s wrist with his hand, grabbed the barrel with his other hand and turned it on the officer. Jamie heard a sickening cracking sound. The police officer’s eyes enlarged and his face grimaced in pain. Jamie gasped, figuring that Erik had broken the man’s finger. But Erik didn’t stop there; he finished his attack by kicking the officer in the groin. Jamie winced. The man fell to the ground and writhed in pain, unable to get up.
“Erik, stop!” Jamie said. “Please!” She couldn’t imagine that assaulting a police officer was going to help anything, but Erik simply motioned to the other officers to bring it on. He even stepped forward to meet them.
Then seemingly out of nowhere, a man with bullish, bloodshot eyes stopped the police and persuaded them to lower their weapons.
He stared at Erik, then approached. Jamie moved tentatively to Erik’s side. She wanted to stroke his arm to help him calm down, but she feared it might have the wrong effect, so she hoped her proximity would be enough to bring him back to his senses.
“You need to leave now,” the man said in an acid mix of cigarettes and coffee breath. “I’ll be at your place in one hour. Now go.”
“I’m not finished, Valensky.”
“You’re drawing unnecessary attention to yourself.” Valensky motioned to Jamie to get Erik out of there. “Leave now! Don’t argue with me, just go!”
Erik turned and strode from the café, not looking behind.
Jamie ran after him. He was barreling along the street with his head down. “Erik, stop! Please, Erik!” She said breathlessly as she caught up to him.
He stopped and turned to face her, rage was still in his eyes. She placed her arms around him, hoping it would cool him off, but he stood rigid in her embrace. She pulled back and looked in his eyes. “Babe, what happened back there?” He said nothing. Jamie frowned. Was this the man she fell in love with? Could she trust someone who was like a grenade that could explode at any time? Erik walked on, but not as fast as before. “When did you become that crazy person I don’t know?” Jamie asked as she walked beside him. “They didn’t deserve that.” Again he met her question with silence; though she noted that he was taking deep breaths in an effort to calm down. That, she figured, was progress. “Talk to me, babe.”
He stopped and turned to her. “I don’t care if they deserved it or not. I did what was necessary.” Erik’s voice took on a frigid, hostile tone.
A chill ran through her body. She tried to speak but couldn’t find words that would safely express her horror at his attitude. She didn’t want to enrage him.
Erik pointed in the direction of the incident. “I wouldn’t care if they died.” He turned to Jamie, his face grim. “I don’t care anymore.”
“What? You don’t care anymore?”
“I don’t care if Montgomery, his staff, and the rest of the Allied generals don’t want to listen to me. That’s fine. Let them get what they deserve. This isn’t my war anyway. To hell with them. Let history play out and see where the dice land.”
“How can you say that, when you know what will happen?”
Erik shrugged as if he really didn’t care.
“But Erik, you’re the only one who can possibly stop it.”
“What makes you think I can stop it?”
Jamie touched his arm and softened her voice. “Because I have faith in you.”
Erik snorted and shook his head. “Faith?”
She nodded and even managed a small smile.
“You’re very naïve if you believe that.” He pointed to his chest. “When I was with the agency we didn’t hope we could do an op based on fucking faith. We had to find a way to get it accomplished. If not, people would die!” Erik tossed his hands up. “There is not a chance in hell I can prevent what is going to happen. Jamie, we are in the middle of World War Two. I know what will happen, at least what I think could happen or how history should happen or what it
used to be. Or will be. Or what the hell ever. Oh, goddamn it, I can drive myself crazy trying to think about this stuff.”
Something inside Jamie snapped. She would not lose the man she loved, nor sit by and watch him destroy himself. “Lose the attitude,” she demanded in a firm voice, “or I don’t know if I can ever trust you. How can I love you like I did before when this is how you behave?” She pointed back at the police officers who were now tending to the guy Erik had attacked.
“What?” Erik’s eyebrows raised and he placed his hands on his hips.
“Back there is not the man I know and fell in love with. I know they didn’t listen to you.” Erik opened his mouth to speak, but she didn’t give him a chance. “Erik Függer, listen to me, damn it!”
He sighed and motioned her to continue.
“As I was saying, I know they didn’t listen to you, but that doesn’t mean you have to hate yourself for it and go attacking anyone that annoys you. I’ll stand by you no matter what happens or what we’ll go through, but I need you not to make things harder than they have to be.”
He glanced away, then took a deep breath and turned back. “You said I’m not the man you fell in love with?”
She nodded.
“Well, you don’t know the things I’ve seen and experienced that made me who I am today.”
“Then tell me.”
“I can’t, now or ever.”
“Did you hide those things from me?”
“Yes, because I didn’t want you to see my other side. I can never share with you anything about the agency or what I did.” Erik slumped onto a bench on the sidewalk. “I believed that if you found out who I really was, you’d reject me out of fear. I was convinced that you would never see that side of me and never tell you. However, I was hoping that day never came... but it has and I don’t know how to explain it.”
Jamie sat next to him and gave him a hug. At least he softened a little this time.
“Jamie,” Erik said, as he pulled back and looked into her eyes. “Why did you fall in love with me?”
She tilted her head and smiled. “Because you’re honest, caring, sweet, and you loved me for me. I fell in love with you because, deep down, I knew you were the one I was meant to be with.” She kissed him lightly on the lips. “Babe, I’ll always be here by your side. I’m not going to leave you. I don’t know what you did with the agency and I don’t want to know. But I do know that whatever you did, you did it to make the world a better and safer place. This is why I have faith in you that you can put things back how they should be.” They stared into each other’s eyes. She saw the love return to his gaze and whispered, “If you say that we need to run, I’ll run with you. If you say that we need to hide, I’ll hide with you, because I love you forever and that will never change.”