Both Jake and Savannah are continually reinforcing their negative body images through their use of mirrors. Jake uses the mirror too much in order to examine and berate his tall, slim shape. Savannah does the opposite; she hides away from the mirror because she fears confronting her ‘imperfect' face. If either of these two examples reminds you of your own relationship with the mirror, you may benefit from following the three simple rules of healthy mirror use:
1. Observe yourself in the mirror but suspend evaluation or judgement. Try not to entertain thoughts about yourself as either attractive or ugly. Just use the mirror to do whatever it is you need it for, such as like fixing your hair or putting on make-up.
2. Regulate how much time you spend on average before the looking glass. If you stay in front of the mirror for too long you may end up criticising your appearance like Jake. If you avoid the mirror like Savannah, you may need to force yourself to observe your reflection more often. Avoiding mirrors can serve to reinforce the fictitious notion that your appearance will cause them to shatter!
3. Resist selective scrutiny. Instead of focusing your attention on individual aspects of your appearance, try to view yourself as a whole. Again, be vigilant about suspending judgement. Simply look and see your whole physical self without positive or negative evaluation.
These rules are indeed simple - but they're difficult to stick to if you've been using the mirror to find fault with your appearance for years. Learning to appreciate your physical self instead of perpetually pulling your looks to pieces takes determination and practice. Be stubborn and persist until you develop new healthy mirror habits.
Use the mirror as a tool to check if your hair is in place, shave, see whether you're suitably attired or if a bit of breakfast is lodged in your moustache. Don't use it as a weapon to beat yourself with.
Taking Advertising and Media Messages with a Pinch of Salt
The advertising industry is guilty of promoting the over-valuation of physical attractiveness. Preying on the average person's physical insecurities is obviously in the best interest of the fashion industry (including producers of cosmetics, clothing and personal hygiene products). Quite simply, it makes them money through product sales. Underlying many advertising messages is the sub-text: ‘Buy our product and you too can look this hot!' Bikini-clad women grace the covers of car and technological gadget magazines, while Adonis-like men are a regular feature in soft drink and chocolate advertisements on television. Spotting an obvious link between wearing a bikini and listening to an iPod isn't easy, but the message is roughly consistent: ‘These products are sexy; sexy people own them! Buy this and rub shoulders with the sexy people!' Or something along those lines.
Advertisements, magazines, films and television programmes frequently present a skewed representation of what the average person looks like or ought to look like. Models, for example, are typically unusually thin and tall. People on magazine covers and superstars of any ilk are photographed specifically to make them look their best. Photographs are often air brushed to remove any imperfections. No doubt many actors, models and celebrities are naturally very good-looking people, but photography can make them look flawless. Most of us average Joe types just don't look that special. Additionally, media coverage can make the most ordinary individual appear to be the height of physical perfection. Not all models, celebrities or actors are superlatively good looking. We're simply told to believe that they are. Many of the people in the centre of media attention may possess powers of attraction that aren't anchored in their physical characteristics. Instead of accepting everything that the media encourages you to accept as true, try using your own judgement more often. Most of the world's population are pretty average in looks.
Recognising your own body image issues
You can run into body image trouble if you aspire to look like someone exceptionally physically beautiful from the cover of Vogue or GQ. However, blaming poor body image on the media is much too simplistic. Much of your chronic dissatisfaction with your looks may well be down to your own thinking and behaviour. You may have unhealthy body image thinking and behavioural habits that you're only partially aware of.
Unhealthy thinking
Certain ways of thinking typically underpin an unhealthy body image:
Making rigid demands and rules about the way other people must (or must not) judge your appearance. ‘I couldn't stand it if someone thought I was plain or fat!' Fear of negative physical judgement isn't limited to members of the opposite sex (or the gender you're attracted to). Most people are also fearful of being judged as ‘ugly' by peers or those they have no romantic or sexual interest in. It may seem hard to believe, but there are worse things in the world than being judged as physically unattractive. Lasting attraction is based on much more than conventional beauty. Try to think of yourself as a whole person and not just a set of physical attributes.
Linking your self-worth to your attractiveness. If you have a poor body image you may automatically assume that beautiful people are superior to you, have more rights, deserve special treatment and lead charmed lives in general. You feel like the frog waiting for a kiss. We all have basic human worth regardless of how we look. Your worth isn't dictated by your attractiveness. You have a lot to contribute to this world besides being pleasing to the eye.
Placing too much importance on physical appearance and under-rating other characteristics that contribute to overall attractiveness such as personality, values and humour. Beauty really is only skin deep. The people we find most attractive aren't necessarily supermodel material.
Overestimating the degree to which other people evaluate and even notice your looks. If you suffer from severely poor body image you may assume that any person you catch glancing your way is thinking about how unfortunate looking you are. You may even assume that they won't want to know you on the basis of your looks. People are often far less interested in criticising your looks than you may assume. You may attract attention from others for any number of reasons or fall under their gaze simply because they're distracted and thinking about something else entirely. Try to bear in mind that your insecurity about your looks is unlikely to be terribly obvious (or interesting for that matter) to others.
Holding unrealistic expectations and standards for your own physical appearance. There's a limit to the extent that you can improve and/or change your fundamental looks. If you constantly strive to look like a glamour model or a young film star, you may end up feeling chronically inadequate and dissatisfied in the looks department. Accepting your looks, and making the most of what you've got, is far more productive than striving for unrealistic and unattainable ideals.
Unhealthy behaviours
Common behavioural characteristics associated with an unhealthy body image include the following:
Comparing your physical appearance to others on a regular basis. You may not be aware of how much time you spend comparing yourself with others in terms of attractiveness. Doing so can become a very insidious and pernicious habit. ‘Is my backside bigger than hers?', ‘Do I look younger than that person?', ‘Am I as stylish as her?' and so on and so on. Regardless of whether or not you make a positive self-comparison against another poor, unsuspecting individual, you're not doing your overall body image any good. Instead, you're perpetuating the potentially damaging idea that looks are all important and feeding the fires of your preoccupation with external appearances.
Try doing the opposite for three weeks: observe others without judgement and resist the urge to make personal comparisons. Then check out any positive benefits to your overall satisfaction with your own looks (there'll probably be a slight increase) and your degree of preoccupation with physical appearance generally (chances are it will have reduced appreciably).
Over-preparing before going out in public. Making sure that you look your best even to pop to the corner shop for a loaf of bread is a sure sign of poor body image (and/or over-emphasis on the importance of physical attractiveness).
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nbsp; You may truly believe that you look vastly different (better) when you're made-up, shaved or groomed than you do fresh out of bed or the shower - in the raw - but you're probably wrong about that. The difference has much more to do with your internal perception of how you look than the external reality. You may feel like you look much more appetising after completing your usual grooming regime, but if you did a survey of what others think you may well be surprised by how little difference they actually report.
Dieting or exercising constantly in order to improve your looks. A bit later in this chapter we discuss making positive change to your lifestyle (and by association, your appearance) for positive reasons. The majority of us could probably reap health benefits from improved eating habits and more regular physical exertion. Many people, however, are perpetually dieting and waiting to gain some muscle tone or shed some weight before they can consider themselves ‘worthwhile' or ‘attractive' individuals. Accepting yourself as you are right now, whilst acknowledging areas that leave scope for improvement, allows you to make changes that promote health and happiness. Rather than striving to reach elusive physical ideals through fad diets, decide to make some long-term lifestyle changes.
Attempting to hide away from scrutiny, even from lovers. If you really suffer from body shame you may avoid looking in the mirror (as discussed earlier in this chapter) and go to great lengths to prevent others from seeing your imperfections. You may be reluctant to wear a swimsuit or take off your shirt on a hot day at the beach. Perhaps you refuse to undress in front of your partner and insist on keeping the lights low when making love. Hiding away from the gaze of others (even those closest to you) may seem to make immediate sense - you feel less self-conscious. Ultimately, though, hiding away keeps you locked into a cycle of chronically poor body image.
If you really want to be more content with your physical appearance, you need to act in a way that reflects how you want to eventually feel. People who accept what they look like (flaws and all) generally don't wear cloaks to the beach or blindfold their lovers. The more you hide your body (or face) away, the more you perpetuate the belief that you've actually got something unacceptable to hide.
Seeking reassurance. Asking people if they think you're fat, skinny, ugly, odd-looking and so on can become a habit. You may feel better for a short time but chances are your insecurities come to the fore again fairly quickly. You probably also dismiss reassurances and compliments because you think ‘people are just being polite'. Reassurance seeking can also take other forms, such as comparing yourself to people who you think look worse than you. Doing so's a short-lived solution to poor body image because it keeps you focused on physical appearance.
If you recognise any of these behaviours, you may well have body image issues. With determination, however, you can accept what you look like and recognise that your physical appearance doesn't define everything about you.
Accepting yourself
Instead of increasing your dissatisfaction with your appearance through engaging in the thinking and behaving outlined in the previous section, try practising some self-acceptance. Accepting yourself as worthy and simultaneously striving to make improvements is entirely possible - whatever your natural physical appearance.
For example, consider Jake from earlier in the chapter. He can make a deliberate effort to improve his muscle tone but also consistently recognise that his natural shape is tall and slim - and that's okay. Rather than criticising his shape all the time, he can help his body image by developing new attitudes towards himself. Realistically, Jake is unlikely to suddenly fall in love with his physique. However, he can change his relationship with his body over time by resisting his mirror rituals and sending accepting messages to himself, such as ‘I'd like to be more muscled but I accept my natural shape' or ‘I'm not physically perfect but the way I look is good enough'. Jake can also help himself by dressing to suit his height and shape, working out but putting the emphasis on fitness and strength rather than on building visible muscles, and refusing to compare his body with other guys at the gym who are naturally more stocky.
Accepting other people is the flipside to the coin of accepting yourself. You can eventually accept yourself as imperfect, fallible, physically flawed and yet a worthy and valuable human being. Accepting yourself is easier to do (and maintain), however, if you also apply the same philosophy to everyone else. So don't allow yourself to be overly judgemental about other people's appearance. Accept others as they are and work on taking the emphasis off physical beauty generally.
Seeing yourself as a whole person
Hey, sweetheart, you're not just a pretty face! A whole person exists inside that physical container known as your body. Your external presentation is really just the conduit for all your internal attributes, feelings, ideas and musings; that is, all your human facets. Have a look at Figures 11-1 and 11-2. Figure 11-1 represents the amount of emphasis that many people with unhealthy body images assume others put on physical attractiveness in relation to other characteristics. You may also attach exaggerated importance to physical beauty yourself. Figure 11-2 represents a more accurate split between looks and other important components of interpersonal attraction. The items included in this figure are merely some of the many idiosyncratic aspects that people tend to pay specific attention to when choosing friends or romantic partners. Sure, physical attraction plays a part; but that can grow (or indeed, wane) over time as you get to know one another. Looks are only one small and instantly obvious part of lasting affiliation between people.
Figure 11-1: The amount of emphasis people with unhealthy body image assume others put on physical attractiveness.
Figure 11-2: A more accurate measure of the components of attractiveness.
Use this experiment to reinforce the idea that attractiveness isn't wholly dictated by actual physical beauty and that other virtues are of equal importance. On a piece of paper, make a list of at least five people who you really admire, find attractive or enjoy being around but who aren't particularly/conventionally good looking. Draw on people you actually know personally and famous people. Next to their names write down the main characteristic you associate with that person. Review your list from time to time and especially when you catch yourself putting too much emphasis on physical appearance.
Saluting your Body for Services Rendered
Despite what society, the media and the advertising industry may invite you to believe (or what you may have spent years believing all on your own), there's more to you than meets the eye. Literally. Your face and body aren't merely for aesthetic purposes.
The eyes are described as windows to the soul. There's a reason for that. The look in your eyes, your facial expressions and body language convey countless messages. Whether we like it or not, other people can often read our feelings through our facial expression and what they see in our eyes.
Your face is a highly mobile feature, especially if you allow it to be. You might be inclined to try and control your facial expressions for fear of looking weird or unattractive. Part of having a healthy body image involves allowing yourself to fully use your face and body to express yourself. They can tell a myriad of stories even if you actually say little or nothing. The way you hold yourself, position your body and set your facial features conveys a plethora of messages to the casual or indeed studious observer. Your body and your face aren't simply features to be admired or rejected; they're vital and forceful means of communication. Communication is a hugely important and useful skill in all types of society. So whether or not you're a natural stunner, you're definitely (and inevitably) a natural communicator.
Spending so much time focusing on how you look that you neglect to fully recognise the other functions your face and body fulfil isn't uncommon.
We aren't here on earth just to look good and be sexually alluring. Male or female, we're active, vibrant, ever-changing beings. We all have skills, purposes, values and ideals that go far beyond physical appearance.
T
he following three sections highlight the other (frequently under-appreciated) purposes of your physical body and the activities it allows you to enact and enjoy.
Enjoying scintillating sensations
Your five senses - sight, sound, smell, taste and touch - allow you to take in the world and experience life.
Even when you lose one sense or are born without one, such as sight or hearing, your other senses typically compensate - which is pretty amazing. I (Rhena) spent a few years learning sign language and it made me understand just how interesting my senses are. The experiences of deaf people are just as rich as those of hearing people. The visual concentration needed to communicate via sign language is extraordinary (less so if you're deaf it turns out, since speaking and hearing are usually not options and hence not distractions). People who are deaf or blind are much more patient with the limitations of us sighted and hearing individuals than you may realise.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy For Dummies Page 18