You're a person first and an employee second (or even third, fourth or fifth . . . depending on your personal priorities). Over-identifying with your work role can make it harder to keep your perspective (and your cool) when things go awry. No matter how important your work role is to you, bear in mind that you're a whole person - there's more to you than what you do for a living.
Putting your point across positively
Despite your newly cultivated Zen-like ability to take work disagreements in your stride, sometimes issues do need to be addressed. Try using the tips in the following sections to help eliminate unnecessary strife and ensure that you stay in the healthy anger camp - no matter what!
Assessing what you aim to achieve
Before a confrontation, however minor, decide what you aim to achieve. Whether this means requesting a pay rise, time off, more resources or providing an explanation of some kind - assess precisely what you hope to achieve. You stand a better chance of clear, calm communication and of actually getting what you want when you're clear in advance about what that is. Also think of acceptable compromises to your ultimate aim before initiating discussion with the other person. In your attempts to rid yourself of unhealthy anger - forewarned is forearmed.
Taking time to think
Give yourself time to think of how best to get your point across. Consider appropriate time and place. Clearly decide on what it is you want to communicate in advance. Write some bullet points on paper to refer to if you think that'll help you stay focused. In some circumstances, it pays to prepare yourself for a negative response and devise ways of dealing with it. Having some definite ideas on how you'll respond to not getting your way or being misunderstood can help you stick to assertion rather than falling into old aggressive patterns.
Leaving well enough alone
At work, as in other areas of your life, there comes a point when further discussion just isn't likely to pay off. In work situations, an endgame often exists that you just need to accept. For example, no funding may actually be available to meet certain requests, deadlines may be immoveable, working hours non-negotiable, and so on. If you continue to push the point with your bosses or co-workers, you may just create extra stress for yourself or rupture your working relationships.
Promoting a professional image
Behaving professionally can help to eliminate confrontation at work and increase your overall confidence. People who take a professional attitude towards work, whatever their occupation, are more likely to remain calm in crisis. They also remember to deal with anger-triggering situations assertively and without flying off the handle. Here are some basic rules of communication that facilitate smooth running in the workplace:
Keep your head up and maintain good posture
Make good eye contact with fellow workers and managers
Speak clearly, audibly and take your time
Ask questions directly and request support in a straightforward manner when you need it
Sit centrally in meetings rather than on the fringes
Strike a balance between offering your ideas and opinions and listening attentively to those of others
Remaining professional
You can also improve your chances of remaining in control of your feelings at work by adhering to the principles of professional conduct. Bear these tips in mind:
Be punctual. Being consistently late is irksome for your boss and those who rely on you being around to do their own jobs. You probably don't like others being late, so make an effort to practise what you preach.
Be prepared. Ensure that you have everything you need to do your job and have put in any preparation needed for certain projects.
Dress accordingly. Wearing the garb expected of you in the workplace contributes to looking professional.
Be polite. Treat others as you'd like to be treated. Be consistently courteous with your work mates even if you arrive in a bad mood. People feel secure around people who are pretty predictable in terms of politeness.
Keep home and work life separate. You're only human, so you're likely to be affected by home troubles when at work occasionally. But airing your ‘dirty laundry' (so to speak) at work is likely to bring you other difficulties that you just don't need. You're paid to do your job and that's what your boss and clients will tend to expect of you. If personal problems are clouding your ability to work effectively, consider time off and/or speak about the situation to the relevant person at work.
Dealing with Difficulties in Overcoming Anger
Even if you know that your anger responses are causing you problems in your life, you may still be reluctant to let go of your anger. Sometimes, people are reluctant to break free from unhealthy anger and related behaviours because they can't see an alternative, and think that they may end up being passive or getting walked over instead.
However, if you develop your assertion skills, you may well be more inclined to let go of your anger. Nevertheless, here are some common obstacles to getting rid of unhealthy anger and some suggestions to help you take on healthy anger instead:
You lack empathy and understanding of the impact your unhealthy anger responses have on those near to you. When you're not angry, ask your loved ones how they feel about your anger. Try to remember times when you've been on the receiving end of aggressive or intimidating behaviour and how it affected you. Use feedback about your anger, and your own experiences of aggression from others, to help you change how you express feelings of annoyance in the future.
Letting go of your anger means that you're weak. You may consider yourself an angry person, and you may like it that way. You may think that if you don't continue to be angry, other people may discover that you're weak, a pushover or someone they can mess with. Work to realise that people who're assertive - firm but fair - tend to earn respect. You don't need to be angry to be strong.
You think that your unhealthy anger helps you to control other people and encourages them to respect you. If you're very aggressive, people who are important in your life, such as your children or your partner, may go out of their way to avoid incurring your wrath. Don't mistake fear and dislike for respect. You may control the people in your life by your anger, but their compliance is likely borne of fear and loathing, not from genuine regard for you. When you behave respectfully and assertively, people are likely to respond out of a genuine regard for your feelings rather than out of fear.
Your unhealthy anger makes you feel powerful. Although some people find the intensity of their unhealthy anger pretty uncomfortable and even scary, others feel invigorated by the rush of their fury. Unhealthy anger is based on putting down another person. Unhealthy anger often means that you're stepping on another person's rights, or abusing or intimidating somebody else. If you enjoy these aspects of your anger, you probably hold a low opinion of yourself generally. Look for other ways to experience your personal power without undermining those around you.
Your anger is self-righteous. You may be clinging stubbornly to your anger because you think it's justified. You may be refusing to admit that you could be wrong or that the other person could be right. Rarely are confrontations as cut and dried as one party being utterly in the right and the other utterly in the wrong. Remind yourself that being wrong is okay. It isn't a sign of weakness or inferiority. Allow yourself to admit that you may be wrong and that the other person may have a good point.
Feeling a bit sceptical? Test out your predictions about adopting healthy anger and behaving in an assertive rather than an aggressive manner. You can use the blank behavioural experiment sheet in Chapter 4. (See Chapter 4 for more help on conducting behavioural experiments.)
Body benefits for bridling your anger
Being angry, especially feeling frequently hostile towards other people and the world, is bad for you. Scientific research shows an association between hostility and raised blood pressure, which can lead to heart problems. Take the pressure off your mind, your interactions with other people and your hear
t by controlling - rather than being controlled by - your anger.
Part IV
Looking Backwards and Moving Forwards
In this part . . .
Putting your present problems into context based on your past experiences is central to CBT, and this part helps you to do just that. You'll also find information on how to consolidate new ways of thinking, as well as tips about making productive behavioural changes stick. We'll help you to overcome common obstacles to positive change and show you how to get and best use professional help.
Chapter 16: Taking a Fresh Look at Your Past
In This Chapter
Putting your current problems into context
Identifying your core beliefs
Dealing with early experiences
Developing alternative beliefs
Your past experiences have an effect on how you think and function now. Sometimes, you may endure bad experiences and be able to make some good things happen from them. At other times, you may be wounded by unpleasant events and carry that injury with you into your present and future.
This chapter encourages you to examine openly whether your past experiences have led you to develop core beliefs that may be causing your current emotional difficulties.
People are sometimes surprised to find out that CBT considers the past an important aspect of understanding one's problems. Unlike traditional Freudian psychoanalysis, which focuses intensively on childhood relationships and experiences, CBT specifically investigates past experiences in order to see how these early events may still be affecting people in their present lives.
Exploring How Your Past Can Influence Your Present
We don't know what your childhood and early adulthood were like, but many people share relatively common past experiences. The following examples highlight various aspects of past experience that may resonate with your life history. Rather than focusing on the differences between these examples and your own experiences, use the examples to identify similar things that have happened to you in your own life.
Sybil grew up with parents who fought a lot. She learnt to be very quiet and to keep out of the way so that her parents' anger wouldn't be directed at her. She always tried to be a very good girl and no trouble to anyone.
Rashid had critical parents. The demands Rashid's parents made of him to be a ‘high achiever' made it clear to him that he would get their love and approval only when he did well in sports and at school.
Beth had a violent father who would frequently beat her and other family members when he was in a bad mood. At other times, her father was very loving and funny. Beth could never predict accurately what mood her father would be in when he came through the front door.
Milo's relationships have never lasted for very long. Most of the women he's dated have been unfaithful to him. Milo's partners often complain that he's too insecure and suspicious of their friendships with members of the opposite sex.
Mahesh lost his oldest son and the family business in a fire five years ago. His wife has been depressed since the fire, and their marriage seems to be falling apart. Recently, his teenage daughter has been in trouble with the police. No one seems to offer Mahesh support. He feels dogged by bad luck.
Many other different kinds of difficult experiences can contribute to the development of negative core beliefs:
Death of loved ones
Growing up with neglectful, critical or abusive parents or siblings
Divorce
Being bullied at school
Being abandoned by a parent or significant other
Undergoing a trauma, such as rape, life-threatening illness, accidents or witnessing violent attacks on other people
These are just some examples of the types of event that can have a profound effect on mental health generally. Negative events that contribute to the way you think about yourself, other people and the world often occur in childhood or early adult life. However, events occurring at any stage of your life can have a significant impact on the way you think about the world.
Identifying Your Core Beliefs
Your core beliefs are ideas or philosophies that you hold very strongly and very deeply. These ideas are usually developed in childhood or early in adult life. Core beliefs aren't always negative. Good experiences of life and of other people generally lead to the development of healthy ideas about yourself, other people and the world. In this chapter we deal with negative core beliefs because these are the types of belief that cause people's emotional problems.
Sometimes, the negative core beliefs that are formed during childhood can be reinforced by later experiences, which seem to confirm their validity.
For example, one of Beth's core beliefs is ‘I'm bad'. She develops this belief to make sense of her father beating her for no real or obvious reason. Later, Beth has a few experiences of being punished unreasonably by teachers at school, which reinforce her belief in her ‘badness'.
Core beliefs are characteristically global and absolute, like Beth's ‘I'm bad'. People hold core beliefs to be 100 per cent true under all conditions. You often form your core beliefs when you're a child to help you make sense of your childhood experiences, and so you may never evaluate whether your core beliefs are the best way to make sense of your adult experiences. As an adult, you may continue to act, think and feel as though the core beliefs of your childhood are still 100 per cent true.
Your core beliefs are called ‘core' because they're your deeply held ideas and they're at the very centre of your belief system. Core beliefs give rise to rules, demands or assumptions, which in turn produce automatic thoughts (thoughts that just pop into your head when you're confronted with a situation). You can think of these three layers of beliefs as a dartboard with core beliefs as the bull's-eye. Figure 16-1 shows the interrelationship between the three layers, and shows the assumptions and automatic thoughts that surround Beth's core belief that she's bad.
Another way of describing a core belief is as a lens or filter, through which you interpret all the information you receive from other people and the world around you.
Figure 16-1: The core beliefs dartboard and Beth's dartboard, showing the three layers of beliefs.
Introducing the three camps of core beliefs
Core beliefs fall into three main camps: beliefs about yourself, beliefs about other people, and beliefs about the world.
Beliefs about yourself
Unhelpful negative core beliefs about yourself often have their roots in damaging early experiences. Being bullied or ostracised at school, or experiencing neglect, abuse or harsh criticism from caregivers, teachers or siblings can inform the way in which you understand yourself.
For example, Beth's experiences of physical abuse led her to form the core belief ‘I'm bad'.
Beliefs about other people
Negative core beliefs about others often develop as a result of traumatic incidents involving other people. A traumatic incident can mean personal harm inflicted on you by another person or witnessing harm being done to others. Negative core beliefs can also develop from repeated negative experiences with other people, such as teachers and parents.
For example, because Beth's father was violent and abusive towards her but also could be funny when he wanted to be, she developed a core belief that ‘people are dangerous and unpredictable'.
Beliefs about the world
People who've experienced trauma, lived with severe deprivation or survived in harmful, insecure, unpredictable environments are prone to forming negative core beliefs about life and the world.
Beth holds a core belief - that ‘the world is full of bad things' - which she developed as a result of her early home situation and events at school later on.
Sometimes, core beliefs from all three camps are taught to you explicitly as a child. Your parents or caregivers may have given you their core beliefs. For example, you may have been taught that ‘life's cruel and unfair' before you have any experiences that lead you to form such
a belief yourself.
Seeing how your core beliefs interact
Identifying core beliefs about yourself can help you to understand why you keep having the same problems. However, if you can also get to know your fundamental beliefs about other people and the world, you can build a fuller picture of why some situations distress you. For example, Beth may find being yelled at by her boss depressing because it fits with her core belief ‘I'm bad', but the experience also seems to confirm her belief that people are unpredictable and aggressive.
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