A supportive relationship with a significant other can help you to stay healthy. This relationship doesn't need to be a romantic one - platonic relationships are important as well. Research has shown that having a network of social contacts, as well as having someone you're able to confide in, helps to reduce your emotional problems in general.
It's never too late for you to make friends. Even if your problems have led you to isolate yourself, now's the time to go out and meet people. Be patient and give yourself the time and opportunity to start forming good relationships. Go to where the people are! Join some clubs or classes.
Six steps for talking and listening
Good relationships are sustained by thoughtfulness, effort and time. Many of the changes in your relationships may occur naturally because as you become less preoccupied with your problems you're more able to focus on the world around you.
Effective communication is the cornerstone of good relationships. Bear in mind that you can communicate not only with what you say, but also with how you listen. Your body language can also convey a message to others. Things like eye contact and physical contact are also means of getting the message across. A simple hug can really mean a lot.
Try the following six steps to improve your communication skills:
1. When you have something important to discuss with someone, find a mutually good time to do so. Make sure that you both have ample time to talk and listen to each other.
2. Use ‘I feel' statements, such as ‘I feel disappointed that you came home late', rather than blaming language, such as ‘You made me so angry'.
3. If you want to give negative feedback to someone about his behaviour, keep it clear, brief and specific. Remember to also give positive feedback about the behaviour you want to reinforce, for example thank your partner for calling to say he'll be late.
4. After you've given positive or negative feedback, ask the person how he feels and what he thinks about what you've said.
5. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that a right or true way of doing things exists. Accept that different people value different things. Seek compromises when appropriate. Listen to the other person's point of view.
6. Be prepared to accept negative feedback and criticism from others. Look for points that you agree with in what the other person is saying. Give the other person a chance to air his views before you get defensive or counteractive. Give yourself time to assess the feedback you receive.
Getting intimate
Your specific problems may lead you to avoid intimate relationships with other people. You may have been too preoccupied by your problems to be able to form or maintain intimate relationships. If you want to be close to others, you've got to get your head round the concept of letting others into your life. Allowing yourself to trust others enough to share at least some of your personal history can make you feel closer to your listeners. Intimacy is a give-and-take affair - ideally, the balance is roughly equal.
If you think you're incapable of getting truly close to someone else, you're probably wrong. Give other people - and yourself - a chance to be honest with each other. Reciprocally-enhancing relationships usually evolve naturally, but you need to be open to the possibilities of intimate relationships for this evolution to happen.
Sex and other animals
Your interest in sex, regardless of your age or gender, may diminish as a result of your emotional disturbance. Many people dealing with emotional problems can lose interest in sex. When you begin to feel better, getting your sex life back on track may take some time.
Sex drive is a bit like appetite: you don't always realise you're hungry until you start eating.
Sometimes, couples stop having sex regularly but don't ever discuss the change. Often, both partners get into a routine of not being sexually intimate and try to ignore the problem. Some people are too shy to talk about sex or feel guilty for having lost interest in it. Additionally, many people are too embarrassed to discuss their loss of sex drive with their doctor, or indeed friends.
Taking the plunge and talking about changes in your sex drive with your therapist or doctor can be very worthwhile. Your therapist or doctor may offer you useful suggestions and may even tell you that certain medications you've been taking may contribute to your decreased interest in sex.
Loss of interest in sexual activities is a normal side effect of certain experiences. Many psychological disorders, such as depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, obsessional problems, health anxiety, postnatal depression and low self-esteem, can impact your ability to feel aroused. Bereavement, physical illness and stress can also put your sexual desires on the backburner. Fortunately, decreased libido is often temporary.
Talking about sex
‘Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it', but sometimes the issue of sex is like an elephant in a tutu doing the dance of the seven veils in the middle of your bedroom. Both you and your partner can end up studiously ignoring its presence, even though it's right there, begging for your attention.
If you can't bring yourself to broach the topic of sex with your partner as you begin to recover, you can do a few things to help rekindle the flames of desire. Try some of the following:
Resume non-sexual physical contact. Hold hands, stroke your partner's arm or back as you chat, sit closer to each other on the sofa and reintroduce cuddling. Non-sexual contact can help you to get comfortable with touching one another again, and set the scene for a revival of more intimate contact.
Kiss. If you've got into the habit of a quick kiss on the cheek as you leave the house, aim for the mouth instead. Kissing is a powerful form of communication. It also can be highly sensual and enjoyable.
Create opportunities. Getting into bed at the same time, before you're both bone tired, and then snuggling up can create a non-threatening reintroduction to sexual relations.
Take the pressure off. If you tell yourself that you've got to get aroused or you've got to have sex tonight, you can work yourself into such a state that all spontaneity is quashed. Try to take the attitude that if it happens, it happens.
Give yourself a chance to get in the mood. You don't have to feel very aroused to start getting intimate. Sometimes you may need to have a lot of low-level sexual contact like stroking petting, and kissing before you're ready to go further. Be patient with yourself and try to talk to your partner about how you're feeling. Sometimes, just talking about sex is enough to relax you to let nature take its course.
Take the onus off orgasm. Any sexual or close physical contact can be fulfilling. You may not be able to achieve orgasm for some time, so instead enjoy foreplay like you may have done in the early stages of your relationship. For example, kissing is a very powerful form of expression. You can really get your sex life back on track, and you may even be able to make it better than it was before, if you give a lot of attention to the preliminaries.
Whatever turns you on is worth exploring further. Talk to your partner: you may be able to find things that can help you both get more in the mood for lovemaking. Try to be open-minded about your sex life. Just be careful to set your own personal boundaries about what turns you on and what has the opposite effect.
Living in Line with Your Values
Most people enjoy life most when they consistently act in accordance with their personal values. People we see in CBT treatment typically report better mood, improved self-opinion, a general sense of well-being and of ‘being true to themselves' - once they've identified and started to act in line with their individual value systems.
By ‘values' we mean the things in life that are most important to you: your personal ethics, morals, philosophies, ideals, standards and principles. Sometimes, however, your depression, anxiety, poor self-esteem and other types of emotional problem can relegate your interests and values to the sidelines. Now is the time to rediscover and honour them, in the interest of your continued mental health and happiness.
Because all people are unique
individuals, you won't always share the same values. That said, however, people with similar values are generally attracted to one another and end up in the same places. You may find like-minded people at workshops, rallies, charitable events, courses, and so on. So taking a closer look at your personal values can potentially have the additional benefit of enriching your social life.
Getting back in touch with your core values can be difficult if your mind has been clouded with anxieties and dark thoughts for some time. Be patient with yourself and permit yourself time to rediscover what you're all about.
Use the items in this list to help you pinpoint your personal principles:
Work and career
Study and skills-based training
Community involvement
Neighbourhood watch projects
Cultural pursuits and identity
Religion and spirituality
Sports and other active hobbies
Nature, animal welfare, wildlife and the environment
Friendships and friendship groups (book clubs, social clubs and so on)
Family and home life
Causes and charities
Politics
Travel
Overall social responsibility
Art, music and theatre (either observing or participating)
Reading for pleasure
Cooking
Doing crafts like woodwork, knitting or pottery
Upholding standards for social conduct, such as being polite, friendly and assisting others
This list merely outlines some of the more common areas of value-based activity. Don't be restricted by it! Be creative - think both big and small. Anything you do in honour of your values, minor or major, is equally valid and beneficial (to you and those around you).
For example, one of our colleagues has a strict rule of conduct that she leaves a public toilet in the state she'd like to find it (an often grim task!). Another mutual friend values the services of his local rubbish collectors very highly. He habitually thanks them heartily and always tips them when appropriate.
You may find defining your personal values easier if you reflect on the values of a person you respect and admire. Try following these steps:
1. Think of someone that you either know very well (like a friend or family member) or you know a lot about (maybe a celebrity or historical figure). Record their name on a sheet of paper.
2. Make a list of the values they seem to hold, have openly talked about or demonstrate through their actions. Chances are that you'll realise that you share some basic values with this person.
3. Make specific notes about the things your admired person does that support and reflect their personal (and your shared) values.
4. Make definite plans to follow this person's example! Write down things you can do and when you can realistically do them. Use the blank form in Table 18-2, later in this chapter,to help you organise your thoughts. Don't forget the tiny, everyday things that can really have a positive impact on yourself and others.
The purpose of this is to help you remember and recognise what's most important to you. Nobody has a monopoly on values, so sharing them is a natural and normal part of life. Just beware of unwittingly adopting other people's values because self-doubt tells you that your own views and opinions can't be trusted. Allow others to provide you with inspiration but make up your own mind about your values.
Reflecting your values through action
Identifying your values can be easier said than done. But you can help yourself become more value aware by asking yourself some basic questions. Consider the following example.
Callum has battled with social anxiety for the past five years (for more on this, see Chapter 9). Though always a sensitive and shy child, Callum's anxiety about what others may think of him came to a head during late adolescence. Adolescence is a common time for people to develop social anxiety. Callum has spent so many years worrying, striving to impress his peers, guessing and trying to influence other people's opinions of him that he's largely forgotten what he actually thinks about things himself.
Like many people struggling with poor self-esteem and extreme fear of being judged negatively by others, Callum consistently held beliefs like ‘others know better than me' and ‘my opinions don't carry much weight'. As a result of this way of thinking, Callum's values, interests and opinions have been seriously neglected. Happily, he successfully used CBT to get himself out of the trap of social anxiety.
Here are some of the questions Callum asked himself to help get reacquainted with his forgotten values, opinions and interests:
What were my earlier interests before social anxiety overtook my thinking?
I used to be interested in mechanics and vintage cars. I also used to really enjoy sci-fi films and novels. I still have an interest in these two areas today.
If I put the opinions of others to one side, what might be some of my personal principles and mottos?
I believe in living in a socially responsible manner that adds to the community around me.
I believe in ‘working to live' rather than ‘living to work'.
I believe in supporting the rights of less privileged, vulnerable groups such as the elderly, people with disabilities, those living in poverty and animals.
What pursuits do I get really passionate about?
Supporting charities that aim to improve the lives of children and the elderly.
Being a responsible pet owner.
Supporting sustainable farming and reducing CO2 emissions. Travelling and enjoying nature. Reading and learning for pleasure.
Being consistently polite and friendly to other people.
Whether social anxiety, general poor self-esteem, depression or some other problem has over-shadowed your values, you can apply the same questions Callum used to yourself.
Once you've made yourself familiar with your core values, honouring them through deliberate and persistent action makes sense. Doing so is very likely to improve your overall enjoyment and give you a sense of living your life well. In order to turn your good intentions into actions, make a plan.
Callum made some plans to live more consistently with his values. He identified several actions that reflect his principles and interests and scheduled in clear times for carrying them out, as shown in Table 18-1.
Use the blank form provided in Table 18-2 to schedule in your own value-based behaviours.
Wanting to be accepted and feel part of a larger social group is human nature. However, bear in mind that, whilst the thoughts and views of people around you are important, they aren't more important than your own. Nor is it necessary to base your self-image solely on the way others seem to think about you. You can reject other people's judgements of you entirely or in part, or accept them if you think they're accurate. At the end of the day, you know yourself better than anyone else does.
Staying focused on what's most important
Unearthing your basic broad values can help you to remember what things in your life are most important to you on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes the pressures of modern living can skew your idea of what matters. For example, being at a work meeting may seem more important than attending your nephew's school play. However later, when he's excitedly telling you how he remembered all his lines, you may regret having put work demands first.
You can't always do what's fundamentally most important to you without incurring unwanted consequences, of course. However, if you scrutinise things more closely, you'll probably find several opportunities to honour the important things in life rather than blindly responding to external pressures from work, and so on.
Reshuffling priorities
Knowing your personal values really well also helps you to prioritise daily duties more effectively. In general, your priorities will be compatible with and mirror your intrinsic value system.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy For Dummies Page 33