Don't Take Offence So Easily
If you believe that everyone must respect you and that you're only as good as what others think of you, then you're going to get offended if someone fails to appreciate you. You're pretty much destined to take offence much of the time unless you live in an air-conditioned bubble all on your own. In the real world, sometimes people are rude to each other and fail to behave in a thoughtful, respectful manner.
We're not suggesting that you take the stance of a passive victim when others treat you unacceptably. You can respect yourself and have clear boundaries about the type of people you choose to associate with and the type of behaviour you're prepared to tolerate.
Unfortunately, you (like all of us) are not impervious to bad behaviour from other people. However, you don't need to take undue offence to it. You can make your life easier by distinguishing between when, and when not, to bother asserting yourself. For example, if a friend jibes you about a recent screw-up you made, is it really that dire? Or if someone bumps into you on the street without apologising, don't consider it an assault on your personal worth and respectability - you may find it rude and annoying, but do you really need to take offence?
Feeling offended is akin to feeling angry. Anger is tiring and unpleasant. Chances are that if you hold too serious a view of yourself, you're experiencing anger more often than you actually need to (refer to Chapter 15).
Make Good Use of Criticism
Constructive criticism is a vital element of learning. Of course, not all the criticism you receive may be delivered in a skilled or constructive way. Nevertheless, if you can step back from negative feedback long enough to access its validity, you can use it to your advantage. Often, other people can see more clearly than you where you're going ‘wrong' - others can have the benefit of an objective viewpoint.
If you believe that you must get everything right or perfect, and that any indication that you're failing at a task is evidence that you're inadequate, then you can get very disturbed by criticism. Rather than using feedback to evaluate your approach to a specific task, you're likely to use it as a battering tool on your sense of worth. You may become defensive at the first sniff of less-than-positive comments on your performance.
Rather than reacting to critical comments over-sensitively, you can develop more tolerance to such comments so that you find them useful. Try the following techniques:
Get rid of your defensive stance. Listen openly to what people are saying about you (head to Chapter 18).
Understand that you don't need to be right every time. You have the option to behave less than perfectly now and again. Accepting that you can be wrong sometimes means that you can find criticism easier to take.
Take time to weigh up the validity of the comments made and then to use any legitimate information offered to aid your development.
Settle into Social Situations
When you have an overly serious attitude towards yourself, you're prone to feeling uncomfortable in social settings. The fear that you may say the wrong thing, offend someone or expose yourself as stupid or boring can lead you to clam up and say little. You may find that you censor much of what you say or rehearse it in your head before you speak. Alternatively, you may try too hard to be witty and entertaining. Either way, you're not relaxing into the occasion and enjoying the interaction. You're probably much more focused on the impression you're making than on what the other people present are actually talking about.
If you fall into this camp, social situations for you are more likely to be something to get through rather than enjoy. You're probably taking more than your fair share of responsibility for the interaction going smoothly. Remember: you're only ever part of a social group, even when there are only two of you - the other person or people present also have a part to play in the smooth running of conversation.
To help yourself relax and be ‘more yourself' in social settings, try these tips:
Focus your attention away from yourself and on to the other people present. Really listen to the conversation and observe others.
Say things spontaneously. Resist the urge to rehearse witty responses in your head before you speak. Take the risk of dropping in comments during the conversation.
Drop your safety behaviours (refer to Chapter 7 for more on safety behaviours). Avoid sitting on the outside of a group or fiddling with your drink, handbag or phone when conversation lulls. These types of behaviour may distract you from your feelings of social awkwardness but they also stop you from getting used to natural social interaction.
Express yourself until you feel heard. If you start to say something and are interrupted, try again in a few moments, maybe a little louder.
Reign yourself in. If you tend to overcompensate for your social discomfort by talking a lot or putting on a bit of a show, give others the chance to fill in the gaps and silences.
Enjoy yourself. Above all, remind yourself that social gatherings are meant to be fun. Make enjoying the company and conversation of other people your main reason for socialising.
You don't have to provide witty, imaginative or profound contributions to every topic of conversation. Inevitably there will be some subjects that you find more interesting and know more about than others. Acknowledge that having little or nothing to say on some subjects is okay. Don't decide that this means you're dull or uninformed generally!
Encourage Your Creativity to Flow
To act creatively, whether at work or in your personal life, you have to accept the possibility that some of your ideas won't be considered that great. If you've got a suggestion for an advertising campaign at work or a novel way to spice up your sex life, you'll be less inclined to put forward your ideas if you worry too much about them being rejected or going down like a lead balloon.
Creativity is self-generative: if you try out your ideas, they tend to give rise to more ideas. If you constantly suppress them, you may find that the stream of ideas diminishes over time.
Act Adventurously
Breaking your routine can help you to lighten up. Changing a regular pattern can relieve boredom and improve your mood generally. Even the smallest things, such as choosing a different recipe in a cookbook or walking to a place to which you normally drive, can make a significant difference to your mood.
Following a routine in order to avoid unpredictable outcomes is all too easy. Unfortunately, getting stuck in a rut may mean that you miss out on new, exciting experiences. Urging yourself to do things differently or to risk a foray into unknown territory can challenge the demands you hold about having control at all times. Most people like to have some degree of control in their lives and to feel that they have some degree of certainty about what they can expect from life. However, in reality, life is unpredictable and our sense of certainty is largely an illusion.
Accepting your limitations to control events and to be certain about the outcome of events can help you to act more adventurously and live life more fully. Increasing your tolerance for uncertainty and limited control is also likely to help you become more adaptive when life throws unexpected problems your way. (Head to Chapter 9 for more on coping with anxiety.)
Enjoy Yourself: It's Later than You Think
There's no time like the present for chilling out and lightening up. If you never get round to making time for pleasurable or novel activities, you may find that you don't ever do them. Schedule in some time for trying out new things and meeting new people. Stretch yourself beyond your comfort zone and see what the experience brings. People who hold a responsible yet light-hearted attitude to themselves, and life in general, are usually far more pleasant to hang around with. These people give off an air of ‘seizing the moment'. Making the most of the present moment can keep you young at heart, even as the years go by.
Chapter 25: Ten Books to Add to Your Library
In This Chapter
Self-help books and therapist manuals
Books for learning more about CBT
Bo
ok recommendations for tackling specific kinds of problems using CBT
Numerous self-help and professional manuals on CBT are available. We've tried to choose books that reflect the diversity of CBT as an approach, and that can add to your armoury of knowledge and skills in tackling disturbing emotions or behaviours. The books included in this chapter are all ones that we know very well ourselves and have used successfully with our clients over the years (some we have written!). The list is not exhaustive, but these ten suggestions can point you in the right direction when it comes to investigating helpful, sound CBT literature.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook For Dummies
This book makes an excellent companion to the one you're currently reading. It includes lots of extra practical exercises to help you put core CBT skills into practice. It can be used for independent self-help or in conjunction with a CBT therapist. Written by Rhena Branch and Rob Willson (Wiley, 2007) this book is a valuable resource both for anyone seeking help overcoming their problems and for trainee CBT therapists alike.
Boosting Self-Esteem For Dummies
No, the title isn't intended to be ironic! This is our latest For Dummies book (Branch and Willson, Wiley, 2009) and we're pretty proud of it, actually. It focuses on helping the reader to understand the underpinnings of poor self-esteem and the ways in which it is maintained. In it we also offer clear CBT-based strategies to improve your relationship with yourself (and others). This is a very useful and informative book for those many people in the world who struggle daily with feelings of low self-worth.
Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders
Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders by Aaron T. Beck (Penguin Psychology, 1991) is the founder of cognitive therapy's original text on his research-based approach to emotional problems. Beck's contribution to the field of CBT has been phenomenal, not least because of the emphasis placed on scientifically evaluating CBT treatments. This is an historic book, and a good introduction to the fundamentals of CT.
The Mindful Way Through Depression - Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness
Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal and Jon Kabat-Zinn (Guilford Press, 2007) are some very influential authors in the field of CBT and psychology in general. Together they have created an excellent manual for treating depression with mindfulness-based CBT strategies. Mindfulness is a part of a new wave in psychological treatment that focuses on what we do with our minds rather than the content of our thoughts. Written in an engaging and accessible manner, this book offers a host of techniques to help the reader embark on meditation practices to alleviate depression and anxiety. It also includes a guided meditation CD!
Flow
Billed as ‘the classic work on how to achieve happiness' Flow by Mihaly Csiksentmihalyi (2002, Rider Press) discusses principles that aid ordinary people in living meaningful and enjoyable lives. The book deals with the phenomenon of ‘flow', a state in which an individual becomes wholly involved in a given activity and experiences true enjoyment. There are many interesting concepts in this text that compliment CBT principles. It can be hard going at times (it's quite academic) but is well worth reading.
Overcoming . . .
The Overcoming . . . books (published by Robinson Press) are an excellent series that attend to specific kinds of problems. These books are usually written by experts in their field and are frequently recommended by professional therapists. The series includes: Overcoming Childhood Trauma by Helen Kennerly; Overcoming Depression by Paul Gilbert; Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by David Veale and Rob Willson; Overcoming Health Anxiety by Rob Willson and David Veale; Overcoming Body Image Problems and BDD by Rob Willson and David Veale; Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness by Gillian Buttler; Overcoming Traumatic Stress by Claudia Herbert and Ann Wetmore; and Overcoming Mood Swings (bipolar affective disorder) by Jan Scott.
Overcoming Anger
Windy Dryden, author of Overcoming Anger (Sheldon Press) has written or edited more than 150 books in the areas of counselling and psychotherapy. In a clear and forceful style, Windy shows how we create our anger with our attitudes and beliefs. He goes on to show how thinking rationally helps overcome unhealthy anger and communication with others. This Sheldon series also includes several other self-help books written by Windy Dryden focused on overcoming common emotional disorders such a hurt, envy and shame.
Oxford Guide to Behavioural Experiments in Cognitive Therapy
The Oxford Guide to Behavioural Experiments in Cognitive Therapy, edited by James Bennett-Levy, Gillian Butler, Melanie Fennell, Ann Hackman, Martina Mueller, and David Westbrook (Oxford University Press) is like a distilled essence of CBT. Many cognitive behavioural therapists wish that the book had been written years earlier! Focusing on the ‘lets find out' element of CBT, the book covers a huge range of psychological problems, and how to test out the negative thoughts related to them.
Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy
Dr Albert Ellis, the author of Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy: A Comprehensive Method for Treating Human Disturbances, Revised and Updated (Birch Lane Press), is the true founding father of cognitive behavioural therapy. The rational emotive behaviour therapy approach, described in this extensive volume, was the first fully developed cognitive behavioural theory and treatment, dating back to the mid-1950s. This version of Ellis' seminal text gives an insight into the philosophy underpinning the approach and Ellis's phenomenal mind. Anyone interested in how reason and philosophy can be applied to reduce human suffering would do well to read this book.
The Cognitive Behaviour Counselling Primer
This is a concise, readable introduction to the fundamentals of CBT (Rhena Branch and Windy Dryden, PCCS books, 2008). It includes an overview of how CBT has developed over the years and clearly outlines key philosophical CBT foundations. This book is particularly valuable to students of psychology, CBT therapists in training and anyone interested in understanding what CBT is all about.
Appendix A: CBT Resources
This appendix lists organisations in the United Kingdom and the United States that you may want to contact for further help, support, and information.
Organisations in the UK and Europe
Use the contacts here to find a therapist, discover where to browse the Internet and get in touch with organisations that can help with specific issues or problems.
CBT therapists
You can find a qualified CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) therapist in Britain and Europe through the professional associations we list here. These organisations can also help you find CBT therapists in your area with experience and training specific to your individual problems.
Association for Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (AREBT), Englewood, Farningham Hill Road, Farningham, Kent DA4 0JR; phone 01322-862158; website www.arebt.org.
British Association of Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapies (BABCP), BABCP General Office, The Globe Centre, PO Box 9, Accrington, BB5 0XB; phone 01254-875277, fax 01254-239114; email [email protected], website www.babcp.org.uk/.
European Association of Behavioural and Cognitive Therapies (EABCT), EABCT Office, Maliebaan 50B, 3581 CS Utrecht, The Netherlands; phone +31-30-2543054, fax +31-30-2543037; email [email protected], website www.eabct.com.
Other therapists
Many other types of therapy are available in addition to CBT. If you're looking for another type of therapist, or for information about the psychological treatments recommended for specific disorders, try contacting the organisations we list here. Remember that discussing other treatment options with your GP or psychiatrist, to ensure that you pursue a therapy that has been proven effective for your particular problems, is always a good idea.
National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE), MidCity Place, 71 High Holborn, London, WC1V 6NA; phone 0845-003-7780, fax 0845-003-7784; email [email protected], website www.nice.org.uk/.
United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP), 2nd Floor, E
dward House, 2 Wakley Street, London, EC1V 7LT; phone 020-7014-9955, fax 020-7014-9977; email [email protected].
Online support
Websites devoted to specific disorders include:
The Mood Gym: Developing CBT for treatment of depression. www.moodgym.anu.edu.au.
The Organization for Bipolar Affective Disorders: www.obad.ca.
Organisations
Literally thousands of organisations devote themselves to helping people with various addictions, conditions and disorders. Some of the best include:
Action on Smoking and Health (ASH), First Floor, 144-145 Shoreditch High Street, London, E1 6JE; phone 020 -7739-5902, fax 020-7729-4732; website www.ash.org.uk.
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