by Nicole Falls
“Why, daddy?”
Then before I could stop them, the tears began to flow. As I sobbed, my father moved closer, pulling me into a tight embrace, saying over and over, “I’m sorry, baby girl. I’m so sorry.”
Hearing those words just made the tears flow harder, my body convulsing with each fresh round of sobs. It took me quite some time to calm myself down, but my father kept his arms around me, rubbing my back in soothing circles, encouraging me to let it all out. When I finally felt like I couldn’t cry anymore, I pulled back, disengaging our embrace to look him in the face. His eyes were red-rimmed and shone with the sheen of unshed tears.
He cleared his throat before speaking, “I could lie to you and tell you that what you heard was taken out of context and wasn’t my true feelings, but you don’t deserve that. You deserve the truth. And the truth was that was how I felt about your brother at that time. I was angry. I was upset because I felt he was responsible for his own death because he just couldn’t stay put. He had to stay running down to Chicago every weekend to do…whatever he was doing down there.”
“Well that’s just stupid,” I replied.
My dad laughed and shook his head, “I never claimed to be smart, baby girl.”
“But what did you hope to accomplish, daddy? Talking about Mikey like that with Uncle Walt. Disrespecting your only son…because you disagreed with something that he couldn’t change no matter how hard you may have wanted him to? Speaking to me like I was some scallywag on the street when I dared to try to get you to see how terribly ugly you were acting at that moment?”
“Emotions were high, baby girl. I didn’t want to hear a thing anybody had to say. I was mad. At him, at you, at Jehovah and most importantly at myself. He wasn’t even supposed to be on the road that day, you know?”
“What are you talking about? I talked to him earlier that day. He had a show that night.”
“Nope, it had gotten canceled. He was over here when you guys were talking; your mother had asked him to come over because it had been a while since she’d seen him. Right after he got off the phone with you, he got a call telling him that he didn’t need to come down to Chicago.”
“So, what changed? Why did he end up going then? What did you do?”
“Well while he and your mother were catching up, I invited some of the other elders over here. Figured I’d give one last effort to try to get him to see that the way he was living was immoral and maybe we could get him to come back to The Truth.”
I opened my mouth to say something, but my dad kept right on talking.
“I know, baby girl. I know now that I was clearly in the wrong, but then…I just thought that I was the road through which he could travel for salvation. It was why I consistently sent you Watchtowers and Awakes and other literature while you were away. It was why I never stopped trying to witness to Grace and Teddy for years, even going as far as doing Bible studies with the kids when we were supposed to be babysitting them—working overtime to try to convert them to The Truth. I was single-minded, fixated on being the savior of my broken and dysfunctional family. And a lot of that was based on a lot of talks that I had with the other brothers. There was doubt in me, from folks in the congregation, that since I couldn’t manage to keep my children in The Truth then how could I possibly be responsible for the spiritual well-being of an entire group of people?”
He paused, taking a deep breath before continuing.
“Did your mother tell you that we switched congregations?”
I shook my head.
“I’ve stepped down from being an elder, and we go to a Hall a little further south now, but I suspect we won’t be there much longer. Your mother and I have just been observing some things that have caused us to reconsider a lot. Which is why I’m glad you decided to come home for a while so that we could have this conversation in person. I know I did a lot of awful things in the past under the guise of thinking I knew what was best for you and your brother and sister. It’s taken a while, but I finally see things clearly enough to realize that I didn’t know much about anything. I was so consumed with appearances and you all consistently reminded folks that I wasn’t above reproach. That I wasn’t infallible. That I too had failed.”
Those words cut deeply, my father feeling like a failure because of decisions his children made, despite teaching and studying the Bible and knowing all about free will. That on top of being surrounded by people who held you up as some paragon of perfection but turned on you as soon as a chink in your armor was visible had to be distressing, I imagined. I still believed his behavior was abhorrent, but I could kind of understand the motivation behind it.
“But daddy, you didn’t fail us at all. Now could we have used less of your judgment at times? Absolutely, but despite you feeling whatever way you felt about the choices we all made in our personal lives, the one thing that we knew, was deep down at the core you loved us. After Mikey’s funeral and I heard you say those awful, hurtful things I began to doubt everything I knew to be true about you at that moment. Maybe you didn’t love us since we had forsaken your chosen faith. Maybe it was too much for you to get over and you saw us as abandoning you in some way, and you’d chosen to abandon us, in turn.”
“Well I certainly managed to make a mess of everything, huh?” my father laughed, humorlessly.
“You weren't by yourself,” I replied, joining in his laughter, “But...this? This is a start. At least I think so.”
“You are absolutely right. It is a start...a fresh one, a clean slate. I know it might be rocky for a bit in the beginning, but I really would like us to get back to a healthy place in our relationship, baby girl. I'm willing to do the work if you are.”
I held out a hand, to shake on it, but my father ignored that, pulling me back in for another one of his all-encompassing hugs. I sank into his embrace feeling weightless, the burden of being at odds with him for so long lifted strain I hadn't even been previously aware of carrying. I thought that I was coping, had shaken some of the weight that came with the continued harboring of ill feelings toward someone, but I clearly had not been.
When we reemerged from his study after our chat, the first person we saw was my mother, who looked like she was going to burst into tears as soon as she saw us. She rushed over with unasked questions in her eyes, pulling us both into an awkward sort of group hug that my father and I returned immediately. Emotional moments aside, the night continued well past what I'd expected, considering how conservative my parents had always been. I'd expected everyone to be ushered to their homes before the clock struck ten. Instead, it was after midnight, and I was watching a sizeable group of middle-aged folks do the Electric Slide to Cameo's “Candy”. I couldn't help but grin as I watched my daddy's rhythm deficient self, moving stiffly next to my mother's effortless cool.
Grace walked up and draped an arm around my shoulder, “How are you feeling, Nay?”
“Good,” I replied, resting my head on her shoulder.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Rich, what was so urgent that I needed to come up here right away?” I asked, walking into his office and sliding down into one of the very comfortable chairs in front of his desk, “Also, where in the hell did you get these chairs, man? I have been meaning to ask. I need to get some new furniture in the crib.”
“Well, you might not wanna move so fast on that after you hear what I asked you to come here for. You still unemployed?”
“Did you bring me here to insult me?”
“No, nigga. I know you said you had that job Nat recommended you for, but I ain't know where you were at with that. And I don't even want to talk to you about this opportunity I have for you if you already set with something.”
“Still waiting for them to make a decision. I received a conditional offer, but their board of directors has to approve my hiring before anything is set in stone. What opportunity you got?”
“Aight man, I know you said you were done with grinding in the m
usic biz, but...what you think about being an A&R?”
“Say what now?”
Rich proceeded to tell me about disregarding my preferences and sharing my music, along with a few other things I'd helped him compose with one of his friends out in LA. A cat named Ryan who owned a record label that was on the come up and was looking for someone to fill a very recently vacated A&R position.
“Nothing's set in stone, but I will say my word carries a lot of weight, so if you're interested let me know, and I can link, y'all.”
“Let me think about it a lil bit. I'll let you know.”
“Aight. Now for the second reason, I asked you to come down here...”
“There was more than one reason?”
“Yep,” Rich replied, pulling a small box out of a drawer in his desk, “Here.”
“What's this?” I asked, shaking the box to try and gauge its contents.
“Man, just open it.”
I opened the box to see five copies of the EP I'd recorded, packaged for retail. The photo on the cover was one Nat had taken of me on one of the days Emerson was here. She was just out of the frame, but by my gaze, you could clearly tell that whatever I was staring at off camera had me completely captivated.
“What is...?”
“For posterity's sake, man. I know you have no plans of anyone outside of the few of us who were here during the process hearing this, but your grams was good people, man. She helped my family out more than a few times when times were rough, so this is for her.”
“Preciate it, Rich.”
“No doubt, big homie.”
I got up to leave, feeling a little too overwhelmed with emotion right now and not wanting to lose my shit in front of him altogether. I'd gotten halfway out of the door before Rich called out to me. I didn't turn around because my eyes had already started welling up.
“Aye man, give that job some real thought. I know you said you came back here because you were tired of the scene in LA, but I could also tell that you weren't completely done with the biz. This'll give you a chance to do things on your own terms.”
I merely nodded before leaving his office and closing the door behind me. After leaving Rich's, I went to Perk to meet up Alice again. When I got back into town from Ragston with Emerson, I reached out to her. We'd texted a little back and forth, even spoke on the phone, but this was the first time I'd be seeing her in person since she'd initially reached out. After encouraging Emerson to patch things up with her father, I couldn't be too much of a hypocrite. I had to give Alice at least the benefit of the doubt...until she proved unworthy of it. Just like last time, she had beat me there—sitting and nursing a cup of coffee in one of the random, vintage mugs that Perk used for in-house customers. I skipped ordering anything this time, striding right up to where she sat to greet her with a quick squeeze of the arm.
We got off to a rocky start, the conversation was a bit stilted, and there were plenty of awkward silences, but I found her easy to talk to—eventually confiding in her about the opportunity that was just presented to me by Rich. She was pensive before speaking; I could tell she was trying to choose her words carefully.
“A question—if I may?” she began.
I motioned for her to continue.
“I know you didn't ask for my advice. Aren't asking for my advice. I just happen to be right here right now while you're sorting through it, but...what's in Chicago for you? Honestly, what is keeping you here? Because if you're back because of familiarity, it won't be long before you grow to resent it. Especially if you can't find fulfillment here.”
“Nat's here...she needs me. And I have the house now and...” I trailed off, “And...I mean, it's early, but let's say I get over my abandonment issues—you're here as well. My life's blood runs through this city. It's the place that made me into the man I am today.”
“And it's also the place that made you strong enough to make it anywhere else. Natalie and I can easily come to visit you in Los Angeles. But this opportunity...and the excitement in your voice when you talked about it. It's just something that I don't think you should discount. That's all I'm saying, Rosey.”
I was a bit taken aback, hearing her use a name I hadn't heard since I was in single digits. My father made her stop calling me by her nickname for me pretty early on, said it sounded too feminine and he wasn't raising some fairy boy—ignorant ass. It slipped out before she could catch herself, I could tell by the way she brought a hand to her mouth immediately after saying it, with an apologetic look in her eye.
“I'm so—” she stated, but I waved her off.
“You're good,” I said, reaching across the table to grab one of her hands and give it a quick, affectionate squeeze.
We had a long row to hoe, but it seemed like we were on the right path to repairing our relationship. I found Alice easy to talk to, less severe than I remembered her or my father ever being in the past. I don't know if it was the sentimentality of old age or her treading lightly around me as to not disturb this tenuous thread of connection that we were weaving, but I was definitely less opposed to having her in my life in some capacity going forward. Now, her husband on the other hand? That nigga could be on fire, and I wouldn't piss on him to save his life. She'd tried, much to my surprise, to get him to speak with me, but he adamantly refused—using language that was definitely unbecoming of a man of God. But it was cool, I was good on him anyway and didn't need any of his negativity in my life.
Alice and I parted ways, and I still wasn't sure what I should do. I headed home to weigh my pros and cons. When I pulled up in front of my house, Natalie was waiting on the front porch.
“You lost your key?”
She shook her head, “It's a beautiful day out, bro. Just enjoying the weather.”
I dropped down beside her, and we sat there in a few minutes of silence before she spoke again.
“So how long before you hit the road?”
I looked over at her, “Whatchu talmbout Willis?”
“Rich told me about the A&R job. He ran it by me to see if it was something you would be interested in or if he had stepped outta bounds.”
“Are you my manager now? I gotta give you ten percent?” I joked.
“Nah, but I am the only person left on the Earth who knows you better than anyone else does. So, I'm asking again, how long before you hit the road?”
I shook my head, “Man, I ain't even thinkin' bout that A&R gig. I'm tryna get settled here.”
“Why? Everything you want is out in LA, fool! You buggin!”
“What are you talking about?”
“You dream job? In LA. Your dream girl? In Michigan...but soon to be back where? In LA. What else do you need? Ain't nothin' here for you, Ro. It's a no-brainer.”
“Why do y'all keep saying that?”
“Who is y'all? You told your lil prison penpal about this job?”
“What? No! Alice. She and I had coffee again today.”
“Oh yeah, how'd that go?”
“It went all right. She...man...it was good. And necessary.”
“Well, you know MaDear knows best, man. If she was urging you to make amends, then there had to be a solid reason. Now your raggedy ass daddy...”
“That man is a non-factor.”
“So, again, I say...when are you hitting the road?”
“I ain't even talked to Rich's homie, Nat. Who's to say buddy even really wants to work with me?”
“Man, from how Rich sounded, dude is beasting to get you on his team. You trippin', bro. You can at least have a conversation with the man.”
Natalie had a point, so I shot Rich a quick text to have him set me up with his homie for a conversation. Just a conversation, I emphasized. No use in getting everyone all worked up if the vibe wasn't right. Rich hit me back almost immediately with dude's number, encouraging me to call him as soon as I could. As soon as Natalie saw Rich's response, thanks to her horrible habit of reading over people's shoulders, she dismissed herself, urging me to go righ
t in the house and call Ryan.
For once I actually listened to Natalie and did just that. Less than five minutes into the conversation I knew that I would definitely be taking the A&R job if he offered it to me. Ryan was a laidback cat who shared a lot of the same viewpoints that I did when it came to making and releasing music. He knew his shit too, having studied at Berklee College of Music for his undergrad, only to go on and get an advanced business degree from UCLA when he decided to merge his love with music with his business savvy. His label had only been in operation for a couple of years, but he'd already broken a few household names into the stratosphere; some folks that exemplified everything I thought this industry needed to maintain a sustainable future. Ryan wanted me to come out to LA as soon as I could to tour the offices and meet a couple of the artists and other folks on the payroll. I readily agreed, hoping that after this visit we'd be discussing the particulars of me becoming a permanent fixture at the label.
I got off the phone with my head in the clouds, thinking of all of the possibilities that laid before me. A dope ass job, a chance...a real chance at something permanent with Emerson. Just the thought of her name brought a silly ass grin to my face. I needed to call and check up on how everything was going with her. I knew she had her shindig at her parents the other night, but we hadn't had a chance to chop it up about it really. I grabbed my phone to initiate a FaceTime call to her, and within seconds we were connected.
“You know unannounced FaceTiming someone is like showing up to somebody's house without being invited, right?” she asked, a bright grin stretched across her beautiful face.