by J. M. Madden
So now she was faced with a conundrum. In her heart of hearts, she knew Duncan could be her soul mate. They had more in common than even she expected. They liked similar things. Had similar tastes in almost everything they’d done, so far, and talked about. Sexually they were more compatible than she’d even dared hope they might be.
For as long as she could remember, Alex had wanted kids. Every once in a while even her dad would mention being a grandpa. They’d always been a small family, but Alex didn’t want the name to fade into nothing. She needed to have kids.
Yes, she had time. But could her heart survive a disastrous love affair? Did she dare risk it?
She could understand Duncan’s reluctance. He was getting older. When he should be looking toward retirement she would expect him to rewind the clock and start over. That was a lot to ask.
She heard a truck start outside. John and Shannon were leaving. Just in the small amount of time she’d been with them she could tell they could have been great friends. Shannon had a natural warmth to her that drew people to her. Alex would miss her the most. Actually, watching John deal with twins would have been pretty funny. He did not seem the baby type. But the dazed excitement and the love in his eyes as he looked at Shannon told her he would be willing to try his best.
Alex worried Duncan would come knock on her door, but it was quiet. Laying down on the bed, she tried to decide what to do. She also tried not be disappointed when he didn’t come to check on her at all.
Chapter Thirteen
Duncan felt like he was going to be sick. He and Alex had been good until those few words in response to Shannon’s hopeful question changed everything. He’d known as soon as he’d said them that he should have been more circumspect in his response, because Alex had come around the corner looking like she’d just been shot.
Shit. What the hell was he supposed to do now?
Though she hadn’t set a departure date, he had a gut feeling he’d just accelerated her leaving. Words. Just hurtful words.
But it was how he felt. He was on the downhill of his forties. Did he really want to have a baby now? Be responsible for another living being now?
Anxiety rolled through him and he wondered what the hell he could do to change it all.
For as long as he could remember, he’d been in charge of people. When he was a kid and started at his dad’s print shop, he’d been in charge of his younger brother. Then he’d joined the Marines and been put in charge of hundreds of others over the years. Leadership had always come easy to him.
But leadership carried a lot of responsibility too. For years he had sent kids into war and in spite of his best efforts, they hadn’t all returned. There was a list of forty-two names on his ribs attesting to that fact. Granted, his company had a far lower mortality rate than many others, but every loss hurt.
Losing those men had been bad enough, but he couldn’t imagine losing his own child. Or sending his own child off to war. God. But was that fear enough to not take on the responsibility of being a father?
He didn’t know. Honestly, things were moving really fast right now and he wasn’t sure how to slow them down.
Should he go talk to her? He glanced at the closed bedroom door. There was no light under it, so maybe she had gone to bed. Or maybe she was just avoiding him.
Bitterness coated his tongue. Alex was an incredible woman and he’d hurt her. He knew that.
Subconsciously, had he been hoping she would hear his words? No, that was stupid. They had been getting along like they’d always been together.
Maybe it would be better if she did just go. Then she wouldn’t have to watch him physically degenerate before her eyes. Because the level he was at now was probably the best he would ever be. Would it be fair to her to be tied to a cripple?
As much as he hated to admit it, maybe she should leave. Maybe it would be less heartache in the long run. He didn’t want to think of her ever looking at him with pity… or worse.
Duncan swallowed hard and glanced at the clock. Time for the evening news, if he wanted to watch it. He didn’t. It was too early to go to bed. They’d already hit the hot tub. If he could find his tablet, maybe he could catch up on emails.
Three hours later he sat stewing, staring at the screen of his tablet until it faded. He hadn’t gotten shit done.
Alex moved around in the room. He thought he’d been imagining it, but he could see a faint shadow under the door. Did he dare knock?
Yes. He needed some things settled in his mind. Wondering if she was going to leave was going to give him an ulcer.
Moving down the hallway he knocked softly on her bedroom door. After a few seconds she opened it a crack.
Duncan’s mind got sidetracked when he saw what she wore, a barely there, off the shoulder blue T-shirt that fell to mid-thigh. And nothing else that he could see.
“Hey,” he said softly. “How are your aches?”
She shrugged and looked away. “They’re okay.”
“Do you want to come out and talk to me?” he asked finally.
She sighed, running her hand through her hair. “No, but I guess we need to.”
Lifting her chin she slid past him and walked to the couch, curling one leg beneath her. The other she pulled her baggy shirt over, then rested her arms on top. Duncan pressed the power button on the remote and the room fell to silence as he settled into the opposite corner of the couch.
“I’m sorry if my words hurt you earlier. I thought I’d been pretty clear about my not wanting kids.”
Alex winced, but tried to cover it by tucking her hair behind her right ear. “You were. I remember you saying it the first night. But we clicked on everything else and I guess I thought you might possibly start to rethink your position.”
He could understand why she would think that. They had clicked on everything. She’d fit into his house as if she’d always been here. Hell, she fit into his life as if she’d always been there. All of the worries he’d had about her youth had faded. She was more mature for her age than most of the men he knew, and that was the truth.
“I don’t want this,” he motioned between them, “to end because of just this one thing.”
She frowned. “I hope you didn’t mean that the way it sounded, because that one thing is very important to me. I’m almost thirty-two. As trite as it is to say, my childbearing time is ticking away.”
Duncan growled, pissed that he couldn’t articulate his feelings the way he needed to. He was losing her, he could see it in her eyes. “I don’t want the responsibility of children, but I don’t want our physical or emotional relationship to end. I enjoy having you in my life.”
She gave him a narrow-eyed look. “It’s convenient, right? Having a woman in your house and bed, falling in love with you? I can’t just be ‘enjoyed’ Duncan, I need more that that. I felt like we had a deeper connection than that.”
Scowling, he turned to look at the cold fireplace. Then her words slowly sank in. She’d said she was falling in love with him.
Fuck…
Alex muttered a curse under her breath and pushed to her feet to pace. Duncan watched her move, thoughts swirling in his mind. She thought she loved him, but she’d only been here a couple of days. Yes, they’d been together the entire time since she’d been here, but surely she didn’t think she loved him.
Maybe she was less mature than he thought. No one could decide to tie themselves to a man that quickly, let alone a disabled veteran destined to have long-term emotional and medical issues.
She paused in her pacing, as if coming to a decision.
“I think I’m going to go home.”
The words fell into the silence and he lost his breath. But he couldn’t blame her. She wanted more than he could give her. Once again, like with Melanie, he was being tossed over for another man, this one just so far unnamed. “If you make your reservations, I can drive you whenever you need me to.”
She blinked at him, a strange expression on her face, then
she shook her head as if she couldn’t believe it was ending. He couldn’t either.
“All right. Goodnight.”
Duncan watched her walk out of the room and wondered why he felt like shooting himself.
* * *
Alex went into her room, but she didn’t lay down. There would be no sleeping right now. She’d just been dumped. Actually, they’d kind of dumped each other.
Damn this hurt. She rubbed a hand across her chest, wondering how the hell she was supposed to pull off an elegant exit while feeling this much pain. Her heart literally ached. It was definitely more than she’d expected to feel, and sharper. She’d had a feeling the end was coming, but it hadn’t prepared her for the depth of the hurt.
He hadn’t even hesitated about his decision.
On the one hand she could admire him for being so steadfast in his beliefs, but on the other she cursed him. They could have been so amazing together.
Even now her body was beginning to go into withdrawal. Duncan had fit her so well.
A tear rolled down her cheek, in spite of her best wishes. She didn’t want to cry for him.
Behind her, the door opened. Duncan crossed the room and folded her into his strong arms, rocking her silently for several long minutes.
Alex wept softly as she clutched his shirt. This would be the last time she would feel him wrapped around her, so she drew out the moment. When he lifted his head to look down at her, it was with as much devastation in his eyes as she had. Leaning down, he rested his mouth against hers, sipping softly. Then, cupping her jaw in his hand, he angled his mouth to sink his tongue into her.
Alex accepted the crushing assault, because she knew it would be the last they had, and she was selfish enough to want one last taste.
They stripped out of their clothes and their bodies met in a clash of furious emotion. They didn’t whisper endearments or encouragements, just fucked like it was the last time they would be able to. He took her hard against the mattress, her legs high against her chest. Alex cried out as her orgasm neared, arching into him more fully. When it rolled over her though, he didn’t ease up on the pounding. Just continued to plow into her as he sought his own release. It was the most carnal, sad coupling she’d ever been a part of, and it made her heart weep. As soon as he caught his breath, he’d given her a final kiss and let himself out of the room.
* * *
As Duncan walked away from Alex’s bedroom, he truly felt like a piece of shit. For the first time in his life, he’d used a woman. Even if she’d agreed to the use, encouraged it even, it still made him feel like the lowest of low. But he couldn’t give her up without connecting with her one last time.
Walking to the fridge he grabbed a beer, his emotions more tangled than he could ever remember them being.
* * *
Alex was up before dawn, packing. Today she would either be flying out or moving to a hotel. She’d gotten a couple of hours of fitful sleep, but it had done her no benefit. She should have just stayed awake. Now she felt gritty-eyed and sluggish. Not wanting to delay the inevitable, she called the airport. There was a flight leaving at ten, so Alex booked it. When she left the bedroom after the sun rose that morning, she had reset her emotional armor and was ready to go.
Duncan looked up from his cup of coffee, looking ragged and disheveled. There were bags under his eyes and he hadn’t shaved yet this morning. Alex appreciated that she’d not been the only one tossing and turning the night before.
She gave him the details of the flight and he nodded. “Give me a few minutes to get ready and I’ll drive you.”
Alex moved to the coffee maker and poured herself a cup, hanging onto her composure by her fingernails. She so didn’t want to leave, but he was giving her no options. It was better to go now and salvage her self-respect. She was disappointed that she would probably never see Aiden again, either. Even hours later, she was still sure it had been him she had seen on the street in front of Harmony House.
Duncan returned a few minutes later, as promised, leaning heavily against his cane. Alex would have asked him if he was okay, but she didn’t feel like opening herself up anymore to bare her feelings for him. Yes, she loved him, had basically told him that last night, yet they were still going their separate ways.
She wanted to cry at the injustice of it. In her heart though, she couldn’t blame him for feeling the way he did.
In spite of her protests, he loaded her bag into the truck bed, then climbed behind the wheel.
When the silence became too much she turned to look at him. “Please tell your people goodbye for me. I should have at least called Shannon.”
“I’ll let everyone know,” he told her, voice incredibly deep.
It had been a grand plan, coming out to surprise him and expecting the world, dreaming of a happily ever after. And if asked, she would do it all over again. Duncan Wilde was an amazing man and she’d enjoyed getting to know him. No, apparently he wasn’t the man for her, but she hoped he would find someone who could give him what he wanted.
And she would look for someone who could give her what she wanted.
He pulled up to the drop off loop in front of the terminal and slid out of the truck. Then, dragging her suitcase from the bed, he set it on the concrete in front of her.
When she looked into his deep brown eyes, she could have cried again. He wasn’t happy with the way things were ending either. “If you ever need anything, I want you to call me. Anything at all.”
She nodded. “Same goes for you. Or if you hear from Aiden, I would appreciate you letting me know.”
He nodded once, looking away from her for a moment. When he turned back, his eyes were a little glossy. “I want you to know that if I could change how I feel about things, I would.”
She nodded again. “As would I. Goodbye, Duncan. Take care of yourself.”
Leaning up, she pressed a kiss to his lips. Without waiting for a response, she turned and walked away, dragging her ten-ton suitcase. She didn’t look back, though, because she didn’t want him to see the tears rolling down her cheeks.
* * *
Duncan swallowed the knot in his throat, wondering what people would think if he broke down in angry tears. The feeling was so foreign to him he had to clench his fists to keep from yelling out. Something incredibly precious was walking away from him, and he had no idea what to do. A security guard motioned for him to move, otherwise he would have stood there till he could no longer see her. Turning, he climbed back into the cab of the truck, started the engine and pulled away from the terminal.
His gaze drifted to the doors one last time. No, she was gone.
He could understand her reluctance to stay. The longer they were together, the more connected they would become, and the harder it would be to part. If it was this hard after only a few days with her, he couldn’t imagine what it would be like if they’d been together for months or years.
Alexandra was a young, vibrant, beautiful woman. If she actively looked for a husband, he had no doubt she could snag any man she wanted.
A vision of her twined in the arms of a healthy young man haunted him. A picture of them holding a tiny, auburn haired baby haunted him even more.
Chapter Fourteen
Excitement curled through Lora’s body and she peered around, wondering if anyone else noticed her. Nope, they didn’t seem to. One of the benefits of being a wallflower.
Chad would argue with her about the word. Seemed like he challenged her about a lot of things, but most especially her perception of herself. But it was hard to change something in months what she’d been perfecting for years. The sad truth was, she’d worked for a long time to fade into the background. With her former husband stalking every move she made, she’d needed camouflage, especially when she’d broken away to protect Mercy.
Luckily, Derek was gone. She had to remind herself of that fact several times a day still.
Chad was a master at making her forget the bad things. Slowly and patiently
, he’d been replacing all the bad memories with good ones.
This morning he’d woken her up with a foot rub. She’d woken with endorphins singing in her blood from the stroking. Then he’d started to massage up her legs until he’d reached her thighs. When he’d paused to delicately lick at her hidden wetness, she’d had to bite her fist to keep from crying out. But then he’d taken that fist in his hand and kissed away the hurt, before returning to her pleasure.
Lora had never known euphoria like Chad gave her. It made her want to grow and be the strongest woman she could be for him.
This, though, this would knock his socks off.
When she’d been with Derek, she’d hidden her body beneath layers of clothes and sweaters. It hadn’t stopped the abuse though. If anything, it had made him more abusive to her. But it had been Lora’s armor. She couldn’t protect herself any other way.
Even with Derek gone, the armor had stayed in place, even though she understood that she needed it less and less. Actually, Chad had never given her reason to need it.
That fact had occurred to her a few week ago, and she vowed to change.
Granted, they were in the middle of winter and sweaters were de rigueur for the season but maybe she could break it up on special occasions.
Lora had scheduled a babysitter to come in and sit with Mercy. Heather was a woman she had known for a couple of years now from the women’s shelter she’d first gone to when she’d left Derek. She knew that Mercy would be fine with her.
When Lora walked down the stairs from their bedroom, Heather and Mercy both gasped, totally stroking her ego.
The black, halter-neck dress was form-fitting, way more so than anything else she’d ever worn in public. Lora had agonized for hours, until she realized it didn’t matter what she wore because Chad would strip her out of it as soon as he could. Tonight though, she’d made plans.