I watched him as his tongue teased my mound softly before he moved his lips to my belly. He started nibbling on the soft flesh of my torso, occasionally smoothing a finger over my erect nipples. I giggled as he bit me next to my hip bone, the sensation tickling my skin.
He laughed at my giggle and pressed his index finger between my slit. I reached down and wrapped my hand around his, pressing him onto my clit harder. My thighs started shaking at the direct pressure and I moaned into the air. I pushed his head back down between my legs and he burrowed his mouth onto my sex.
My moans amplified, and I massaged my tits as I locked my legs around his head. Just as my body tensed up to climax, he stopped. I released his head from my legs and looked down at him, breathless.
“What?”
“Don’t you want to do this in bed?”
My eyes widened, jaw slack. “What? Shut up! I’m about to cum!”
“Yeah… but, I kind of don’t want to mess up the couch.”
My mouth gaped closed, and when it opened again, I repeated my word of the night. “What?”
He looked away, realizing just how much he fucked up. I spewed out curses as I got off the couch.
“I’m up now, so your couch won’t get dirty. As a bonus, your bed isn’t getting dirty tonight either.”
I threw my clothes back on as he trailed behind me trying to apologize.
I turned around to face him when I got to the front door. “You have a naked girl in your house and you’re worried about a shit piece of furniture? Get your priorities straight.”
“Look, I’m sorry.”
Snatching my purse, I slammed the front door in his face as I left.
5
“You’re home early,” Kevin said, pausing the movie he was watching on the couch as I walked in.
I blew out a breath as I dropped my purse on the floor. “I am quite aware of the time; thank you for stating the obvious.”
I went in my room and curled up in bed with my laptop. It would have been easy to give up, but I was sure I would find another man as good as Steven- but not as boring.
It had been a while since I’d logged into my match.com profile; it took me a couple of times to get the password right.
My eyes widened when I logged on; I had a lot of messages. I smiled; plenty to choose from.
“Well hello, BenL31,” I mumbled to myself.
I narrowed my eyes as I stared at his profile picture. Bald head, hazel eyes, light skin. I actually couldn’t tell if he was white or black, but that never stopped me before. The bigger variety, the bigger pool of men I had to choose from.
His favorite hobbies were hiking, snowboarding, and grilling his famous dishes during BBQs. He could cook; that was a good start. I wondered if his grilled burgers were as good as Wes’s. My mouth watered thinking back to the last time I had one. Or was it watering because I was thinking about Wes?
I shook my head and went to my next message after putting Ben in the ‘maybe’ pile. The next guy, LuckyRick, was no good- he liked to “have fun and party.” He had a beer in his hand on his profile picture. Normally, he’d be just my type; he didn’t look like he wanted anything serious. But my priorities had now changed and I was seeking a real partner.
Even still, I scrolled around a few of his pictures. He was always in exotic locations surrounded by people. He seemed fun. I bet he’d be just as fun as Wes at a party- or a club.
My heart sped up as I thought back to Mirage- well, before my mother’s phone call ruined everything. I bet I could have the same type of fun with Rick. Despite my initial concerns, he got put in the maybe pile as well.
My phone vibrated. I rolled my eyes and ignored it. It was too early for Steven to apologize. I wasn’t interested in an apology anyway. After all, why should he say sorry for being himself? The only thing tonight proved was that we weren’t good for each other. After the third vibration, I picked up my phone to tell him to screw off.
My thumb locked when I saw the messages were from Wes. My skin heated just thinking about talking to him again. I wanted to apologize, I wanted to invite him over, I wanted to ask him if he still wanted the things we planned when we were engaged. But instead, I hit the delete button without reading the messages.
I blinked back a tear and went back to finding the man of my dreams through the internet. The man I wanted would fuck me senseless, want the same things I wanted in life, and stay faithful to me- not asking too much, right?
The next four profiles were less than impressive. On the fifth, I was still unimpressed with a six foot three, Morris Chestnut looking cardiologist. That’s when I realized I was comparing all the men to Wes. I closed my computer- time for a break until I could get my head straight.
I changed into pajamas and walked out of my room to join Kevin on the couch. He was all smiles as he typed fast on his phone, ignoring his movie.
“Who are you talking to?” I asked as he lifted his legs from the couch and I lay down with him.
He shook his head. “No one.”
“Bullshit.”
“Seriously. Just read something funny on Facebook.”
I lifted an eyebrow. “Mmm hmm. Sure,” I said as I got under the blanket with him and glanced at the TV. “What are you watching?”
“Deathdream. You can change it if you want. I wasn’t paying too much attention to it.”
He probably wasn’t paying attention because he was too wrapped up in his phone. Kevin never brought anyone home, he never went out on dates, and he never talked about liking anyone. If someone was making him smile, I had to know who it was.
I flinched when a bloody, dead body flashed on the screen and headed over to Lifetime for a movie. I curled up with Kevin, relishing in his body heat under the blanket as I sat back to enjoy my movie. I felt his phone vibrate several times before we even got to our first commercial.
“Still on Facebook, huh?”
He waited so long to answer me, I almost thought he didn’t hear me. “Yup,” he said mindlessly.
I sat up in the chair. “Just tell me who you’re talking to; you know all my business.”
He sighed. “I told you, no one.”
“We’ve been best friends since high school, and you still can’t trust me with this? I’m not judging you Kevin.”
I reached for his phone, and he yanked it away. It slipped out of his hand and crashed to the floor. I jumped off the couch and ran to the phone. Kevin tackled me, crashing my body against the wall.
“Ouch! Jesus, Kevin!”
“Sorry, babe. You okay?” He said as he picked up his phone.
“You don’t have to be ashamed. If you’re talking to a male-”
“Keisha, I swear to God if you start this again…”
I threw my hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay. It’s dropped.”
I know it was selfish, but I was his best friend and I wanted to be the first one he came out to. We’d been through so much together, spent so much time together, and I loved the shit out of him. I wanted him to just be himself and be happy. But I knew that pressing the subject too much would cause him to push me away. Whoever he was texting, I was just glad they were making him smile.
I walked back to the couch and got under the covers, patting the cushions for him to join me. “Let me tell you about my night instead.”
“You look awful,” Amira told me when I entered the daycare the next morning. “I thought you spent the night with the fine brother who was in here yesterday?”
“I did,” I said, putting the day’s snacks in the fridge. Every morning, I’d stop by the grocery store before work and buy healthy snacks for the kids- it was often the only fruits and vegetables they ate for the day.
“Damn, I thought he was a good one.”
I paused what I was doing and turned to face her. “He’s a sweet guy. I just don’t think we click in the bedroom.”
I didn’t want her to think negatively of Steven. He was boring to me, but that didn’t make him bad.
She shrugged. “If he can’t satisfy you in the bedroom, he’s not a good one.”
“But he’s such a great guy; I should feel lucky to have him.”
“He may be great, but that doesn’t mean he’s great for you.”
I’d chosen to try to take things to the next level based off the fact that Steven was a “good one.” The term was generic, and my view of it was, too. I figured that if he was a good guy, I could make it work with him. It never occurred to me that he wasn’t the right type of good for me.
“And speak of the devil…”
Steven’s svelte figure appeared in the entrance. Amira watched with stars in her eyes as he walked to me; maybe I needed to set them up on a blind date.
“Hey,” he said when he got to me, hands in pockets.
“This isn’t a place we can have strange men stopping by; parents don’t want to see a bunch of people walking in and hanging around their kids.”
He nodded. “I understand. And I’m sorry for showing up like this, but I just had to apologize for last night. I was wrong; I don’t know what I was thinking. I have been told I’m a little O.C.D.”
I raised a hand to stop him; I wasn’t interested in hearing his excuses- or anything he was trying to say, actually. “No, it’s fine. You and I just have different… preferences.”
“I was just nervous. It was our first time, and I wanted it to be perfect. I guess we’ve been seeing each other for so long, I’ve had a chance to fantasize our first time a million times in my head. I wanted to be as close to that as possible. Can I have just one more chance?”
Honestly, what he said made sense. But I believed that if you wanted someone, you don’t worry about the schematics. If you want someone, clothes need to ripped off and lips need to be pressed against another’s no matter what your surroundings are. I thought about the wedding and the nightclub with Wes; at least we agreed on that.
The first child walked in with her father. Steven watched me with his brows furrowed as my thoughts drifted.
“I’ll think about it. I have to get to work. I’ll call you, okay?”
I slid past him and greeted the family at the door; Steven left without another word.
I lied; I actually didn’t think about it. By the time I pulled up to my house after work, I hadn’t thought about giving Steven a second chance- not even once. All I could think about was my conversation with Amira. I was beginning to think that something was wrong with me for not being head over heels for Steven, despite all of his romantic gestures. But maybe he just wasn’t the right one for me. I had to figure out what I wanted in a man.
Upon first thought, seeing Wes standing at my front door was like God answering my question. But God wouldn’t want me with a liar and a cheater.
Kevin was arguing with him at the door, but he stopped once he saw me. Wes turned around and walked to me, his jet black hair ruffled messily on his head.
“Leave me alone,” I said, trying to brush past him to get inside.
He clinched my arm.
“Let her go,” Kevin said, stepping out of the house.
“Just listen to me. You’ve been ignoring my texts.”
I snatched my arm away from him. “That’s because I want nothing to do with you!”
“That’s not true. That can’t be true.”
“It has to be true,” I mumbled, my chin quivering.
I imagined what Wes’s online profile would look like. Favorite hobbies: exploring new restaurants, watching black and white movies, and visiting museums- my favorites, too. His perfect date? A midnight picnic in the park with finger foods for feeding each other. Sounded like heaven to me.
What he was searching for in a partner? Someone to grow with, someone to explore the world with, and someone to start a family with. Just what I wanted, too. Except, mine had an extra requirement- fidelity. He was so close to being perfect.
“We were fine until your mom called! Forget about her; we can get back on track.”
“You didn’t tell me you talked to your mom,” Kevin said.
I lifted one of my shoulders into a faint shrug. “It went as well as expected; she’s dying.”
“What?” both men asked at once.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Kevin asked with wide eyes. He approached to comfort me with a hug, but I brushed it off.
“Because I don’t care.”
“Babe-”
I cut Kevin off. “Nope. I don’t want to talk about her, and I don’t want to talk to you,” I said, turning to Wes.
“I’m not leaving until you talk to me, Key.”
“Then I’ll leave.”
I quickly turned and walked back to my car. I sped off with nowhere to go. All I wanted to do when I got home was curl up on the couch and not think. And now thinking was all I could do.
I met Wes my first day of college. It wasn’t my school of choice, but it was the only one Kevin and I both got accepted to, and we had to go to college together. After getting settled into our dorm rooms, Kevin and I met in the cafeteria to get our first taste of college food.
The university was predominately white. When we entered the cafeteria, it seemed like the few minority students huddled to themselves on a handful of tables in the corner of the room. Kev and I sat at a table near them, but didn’t talk to them.
We shared a Philly cheese steak and fries, each of us taking a bite from our halves at the same time.
“This shit is nasty. We have to eat this for four years?” Kevin said.
“If it means being out of the house and away from my mother, I’ll take it.”
“Better than the meal she tried to make for us this weekend.”
My mom, in one of her rare attempts to be a parent, made us dinner before we headed off to college.
“Some would say it was her way of saying she was going to miss me, but I think she was trying to kill me.”
We burst out laughing. She baked a chicken, and it was nowhere near done. And she’d used expired milk in the mashed potatoes. Kevin ate more of it than I did. He did it out of politeness, but I wasn’t losing a foot of my lower intestine just to make her happy.
When I opened my eyes as I calmed down from my laughter, they honed in on the bluest eyes I’d ever seen. He sat alone at a table on the other side of the room. The boy had jet black hair that flopped over his forehead, partially covering his eyes, but I could still tell was he looking at me just as hard as I was looking at him.
“What’s wrong with that white boy?” Kevin said, finally seeing what I was seeing.
“Nothing; he looks quite fine to me,” I said, one side of my lips curling into a smile as our stare held.
He laced his fingers together in front of him, sending a smile back to me.
Kevin dropped his sandwich on the tray. “Oh, no. Don’t get mixed up with these rich white boys, Keisha. They’re all looking to fuck a black girl so they can brag to their friends. We’re here to learn, to end up better than our parents.”
I shrugged, taking a bite of a fry. “Doesn’t mean I can't have a little fun.”
I’d never been with anyone outside of my race before; never thought about it. Most of the white boys in our neighborhood spent too much of their time trying to act black instead of being themselves; it wasn’t a turn on for me.
But this boy had a different look to him. I wanted to stare into his eyes up close. I wanted to hear what his voice sounded like. College was about trying new things, right?
I gasped when a hot blond sat next to him, breaking our gaze.
“See? That’s who he wants to be with,” Kevin said.
My half smile dropped. It was a nice thought.
After driving for almost twenty minutes, I pulled into a bar, something I’d never really done before. Alcohol was starting to become a part of my life. Funny, I didn’t start drinking until Wes re-entered my life; another sign he was no good for me.
I grabbed my phone, ignoring Kevin’s millionth call and deletin
g Wes’s millionth text message. To prevent looking like a drunk, I called Amira. She arrived ten minutes later.
“I didn’t think it was possible, but you look even worse than you did this morning. The guy again?”
I shook my head, taking a sip of my wine. It wasn’t as good as the one Steven had, but it was good enough.
“Nope. Another one.”
“Wow, when did you get so interesting?” she asked as she sat down on the barstool next to me.
“I don’t want to be interesting. I just want to be happy.”
The bartender took her drink order and asked me if I wanted another. I gazed down and frowned.
“No, thanks,” I told him.
I’d always despised drinking. I hated the way it made me feel, I hated not being in control of my actions. My mother drank a lot. I saw what drunkenness looked like, and I didn’t want to look like her any more than I already did.
I pushed my half-full glass away and stared at my friend.
“He broke my heart a long time ago. But I still love him. I can still see us together. But he’s no good. He cheated, he got caught, and he refuses to admit to it. Hearing him confess would break my heart all over again, but at least I’d finally get the truth. I could even see myself forgiving him. But he won't admit anything. I caught him in the act, and he still won't budge.”
“Was it just the one time?”
“He says it never happened at all; I don’t even want to think about him doing it more than once.”
“Is that why you’re not into Steven? Because of this other guy?”
I nodded.
“Can you ever see yourself happy without him?” she asked.
I shrugged and reached for my drink again, taking a small sip.
“I cheated once,” Amira said after a pause.
I turned and looked at her wide eyed. She took a long drink of her beer.
“To this day, I couldn’t tell you why. I wasn’t bored in my relationship and our sex life was hot. An interesting man approached me one day… and I just did it. Ruined the best relationship I ever had.”
Private Affairs Page 5