by Janae Keyes
“We’re from Vallejo. I live in Danville currently,” I informed him. His face lit up. It seems that April and I at least made a new friend.
“That’s awesome. We will all have to get together back in the Bay especially if Jake moves, and especially if you and Jake hit it off.” He gave me a wink. Jake did seem like a nice guy from the two minutes I’d known him, but I wasn’t looking for anything. I just wanted to be alone for a bit. I felt April give me a nudge.
“Actually, I’m not really looking for a relationship. I literally just broke up with my ex yesterday. I’m still pretty bruised and I want to live the single life,” I explained thinking of Patrick. The look on his face when I told him it was over, was fresh in my mind. I just kept seeing him and how I could see that his heart was breaking, but I needed to do it, in order to keep my heart from breaking more.
“No problem with doing that,” Will said, giving me a reassuring smile.
We looked to see that the crowd around Jake was getting smaller. Will waived Jake over to us. Once he signed his last autograph he made his way down the bar to where the three of us were seated.
“Everywhere I go,” Jake huffed out. “What did I miss?”
“These ladies live in the Bay Area,” Will recounted for Jake, who seemed to flash me a smile, as he ran his hand through his dark hair. I would admit that he was cute, but athletes weren’t really my thing.
“Ladies, what plans do you have for today?” Jake asked April and I. I shrugged as I really had no clue, but there was one thing that was for certain, more cocktails for sure.
“Relaxing, a massage at the spa for sure, and the club tonight,” announced April as she did a little dance. I burst into laughter at my best friend who clearly was more ready for this vacation than I was, though I was determined to enjoy myself.
THE DAY WAS spent exactly how April described. We had a long relaxing time at the spa before dinner and now we were getting ready to hit up the club. April was hopping around our little cabin room as we got ready. She’d already had a few cocktails and was more than ready to dance.
My mind continued to drift to Patrick. I wondered how he was doing and what he was doing. I wondered if he’d told Veronika about our break-up, and if she was pleased. I missed him. Even if we couldn’t be together on any given night we would talk on the phone. We would spend the night chatting away, falling asleep to the voice of the other. I missed him so much. I wondered if I’d made a mistake, but I knew in the end my heart would thank me for this decision.
“Put your shoes on!” Cried out April who was standing in a short silver sequin dress with her hands on her hips.
“Okay, Okay,” I grumbled as I slipped my feet into the maroon colored heels that matched the dress April insisted I wear. The dress was maroon like the heels, short, tight, and had a very sexy cut out at the cleavage. I pulled my hair over my shoulder, hoping that some of my long hair would cover the cleavage a bit. Patrick of course would love me in this dress, but there was no Patrick. I took a deep breath.
Once in my shoes, April pulled me along the hall and to the elevator. I knew she was not so secretly hoping for me to hook-up with Jake. He was cute, but not my type; Patrick was my type. I stood in the elevator, letting my thoughts linger to him again
“Stop thinking about Patrick,” growled April in my direction. She knew me so well.
“Get a few drinks in me first,” I suggested. I knew that April was going to accept that challenge and take it head on. I wasn’t sure if I should be excited or worried about that prospect.
THE TWO OF us arrived at the nightclub on the boat. The lights were dim and the music was loud. I found a seat as April rushed off to the bar to get us some drinks. Glancing around I saw couples of all ages on the dance floor. I smiled to myself thinking of all the times Patrick and I had gone out dancing in the city. He’d brought so much excitement and joy to the mundane life I’d been living. As quickly as possible I wiped a tear away.
“I have drinks. I told the bartender to make yours strong,” announced April as she came to me with a pink mixed drink. I really didn’t care what it was as long as it would help me forget, even just for a little while. I sipped down the cocktail when I saw two familiar faces coming in our direction. Will and Jake were dressed for the club, both of them in dark slacks. Will’s button up shirt seemed to be a light blue while Jake’s was black.
“Already got the drinks flowing I see,” commented Jake as he took a seat next to me.
“I need it,” I mentioned in his direction before taking a sip of my very strong vodka filled cocktail.
“Your next drinks will be on us ladies,” Jake said. I didn’t know if he was trying to impress me or not, but I didn’t care because as long as the drinks were kept coming, I was good.
“Yeah, tonight we are celebrating anyway!” Exclaimed a very happy looking Will.
“What’s the celebration?” I asked, curious.
“I’ve decided to take the contract with the Giants, San Francisco here I come!” Jake was grinning with happiness. Will gave him a high five before he ran off to the bar.
“That’s great. The San Francisco area is a great place to live and work,” commented April. I nodded in agreement. I loved the area and I loved working in the city. There was something about the place that resonated with me besides being born and raised there.
AFTER A FEW more drinks I was feeling really good. The buzz was flowing through my veins. I sat in my spot swaying my body to the music when I felt a hand take mine. Jake gave me a soft and drunken smile as he pulled me up with him. I didn’t resist as he led me to the dance floor. I felt the beat pumping through my veins along with the alcohol. Jake snaked his arm around my waist and pulled my body as close as it could get to his. We were sandwiched together perfected as we gyrated our bodies to the music. The smell of his cologne snuck into my nose, it was intoxicating, along with his body heat. His hands slipped down to my hips, holding them tightly. I ground my body against his, letting the music and the alcohol take control. It felt so good to not think and to be connected with another human being in this way. His hardness pressed against me roughly. I let out a shallow breath and feeling distinct tingles run through my body.
I put my arms around his neck and allowed him to bring his face closer. He lingered for a moment before his mouth was attacking mine. His tongue thrust into my mouth roughly. I closed my eyes, allowing my own tongue to battle with his. We were embraced in a sweaty make-out session in the middle of the dance floor. This felt like when April and I would go to the club in our early twenties. Being wild, dancing, making out with our men.
Jake pulled away. His gray-blue eyes peered into mine. They were hungry. I let a breath go as I allowed him to take my hand. I didn’t think about anything as we rushed from the club together. We were lucky that the elevator opened as we reached it. The second the doors closed, we were all over one another. He slid a hand under the hem of my dress and yanked me close. He nibbled on my bottom lip, making a moan escape me.
When the door of the elevator opened he pulled me with him. I watched him fumble to get the key to his room out of his pocket. Once he did, getting the room open was no fight. He yanked me inside with him and slammed the door shut. I kicked my heels off right away before taking my fingers and working at the buttons of his shirt while he sucked on my neck. He laid me on the bed slowly. His eyes marveled at my body before he settled himself over me. He brought his mouth back to mine and that is when I was brought back to reality. I was brought back to my heartbreak and sorrow. I choked out a sob into his mouth.
“Oh God, what did I do?” He asked right away as he pulled his body off mine.
“I’m sorry,” I sobbed into my hands as I moved to sit on the edge of his bed. “I… I can’t do this. It’s not you. You seem like a great guy and I know there are women all over this country who want what you were about to give me. I literally just broke up with my boyfriend yesterday and I can’t do this. I still love him so much.”
“Hey, Hey, it’s okay,” he whispered as he sat next to me and put his arm around me. He had strong arms. “I can tell you really love him and I’m a little jealous. I want a love like that.” I gave him a weak smile. I knew he was disappointed; he was about to get laid. What guy wouldn’t be a little disappointed?
“I… um… I should go,” I insisted. He nodded and allowed me to stand. I didn’t dare give a glance back at him as I picked up my discarded shoes and left his room behind.
I wandered the halls of the ship. I knew more than likely April was back in our room and I wasn’t ready for her inquires of my night just yet. I felt incredibly guilty for even going back to Jake’s room. He was a nice guy, but not my type at all. I think I just wanted to have that connection, that feeling of not being alone, that sensual moment of being more than alive. That moment lying under Jake I realized I could never have that moment with anyone else, but Patrick.
There weren’t too many people out because of the late hour. I passed couples kissing and enjoying the night. My heart sank as I saw them. I could only think of being cuddled up with Patrick, enjoying one another’s company the way we did. There were nights where we would lay together and talk about absolutely anything. I adored how we could share our deepest thoughts, biggest fears, and laugh until our stomachs cramped.
Walking out of the doors the cool air hit my face in a rush. I hugged my arms around myself as I remembered I wasn’t wearing very much clothing. I went right to the railing and looked down into the darkness below. Something about that darkness felt familiar and raw, it resonated with me strongly.
That darkness was how I now saw my future. I was stuck between two words. There was the stagnate existence that I had with Keaton and there was the pure all encompassing love I shared with Patrick. I was without either and all I could see ahead of me was darkness. I swallowed back my tears. I needed to make a decision about my future because I didn’t want to be captured in the darkness ahead.
“Bri…” I jumped when I heard the voice. I turned to see April standing there with a concerned look on her face. “Didn’t you go with Jake?”
“I was with him,” I said as I peered back out at the darkness.
“And?” She inquired.
“We kissed, nothing happened. I freaked out, thinking about Patrick and we left it at that.” As I spoke I felt a tear escape. I wiped it away. I wondered what Patrick was doing, where he was, was he worried about me?
“I know you love him; it is so obvious he loves you. If you love him, then you should be with him. I like seeing you happy and even with that bitch around, you are much happier than you are now. Most people would kill to have the love that you share with Patrick, it is one of a kind and I like having my fun best friend back.” I turned in her direction and she gave me a reassuring smile.
“I’m going to use these few days to relax and think about everything. Hell, I don’t know if Patrick will even want me back.”
“Oh, Patrick is going to want you back. He will take you back in a second. Don’t worry about that. You know, you may not notice the way he looks at you, but I see it. You are his sky, his mountaintop, his breath.” I felt my face getting warm and the beginnings of a smile creeping onto my face.
“I see that smile. I know he is all of that and more to you. I know things are complicated and shitty with Veronika, but you’ve got this. I promise that you do.” April put an arm around me and hugged me close. We weren’t just best friends, but sisters for life. Nobody understood me like her.
I looked my best friend in the face. That girl had gotten me through so much stuff. I owed so much of my sanity to April.
“Thank you so much for everything. I don’t know how I would survive without you,” I told her truthfully.
“Same here, you are my rock bestie,” she said. I grinned and hugged her. We stood in our skimpy dresses looking out onto the dark horizon. “Now let’s get inside where it is warm and have a few drinks. Mama is enjoying her days away and that means shots.”
She right away took me by the hand and pulled me into the interior of the boat. We were going to make the most of this vacation for the both of us.
Chapter Eighteen
Patrick
EMPTY, I FELT empty without her. A couple days had passed since that morning she came into my office and ended everything. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming, it was obvious when I couldn’t reach her over the weekend, I knew she needed time and I allowed her to have it, but I didn’t completely think that she would end us.
I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling, I’d found myself doing this since that day. There was nothing else to do, but stare and hope. I took a deep breath. I knew I’d asked too much of her. No woman would want to be in our situation, especially after all Brielle had already been through, I understood her. I looked at the watch I held in my hands, it was the one Brielle had gotten me for my birthday. Reading the inscription on the back, my heart felt like it was being squeezed.
A knock came on my bedroom door. I groaned, knowing it was Veronika. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to reflect on what I could have done differently. The door swung open and there was Veronika, she stood in the doorway rubbing her belly.
“I brought food, you haven’t eaten,” she mentioned as she entered the room. I noticed a plate in her hands, she sat it next to me on the bed. I glanced over to see scrambled eggs and cut fruit. Veronika wasn’t a cook and I appreciated her effort to do what she could for me.
“Thanks Ronnie,” I mumbled as I sat up. I picked up a piece of fruit and ate it. Veronika watched me for a moment before she sat on the edge of my bed.
“Maybe we take walk together,” she suggested. I shrugged in response. “It is nice day, I want to walk and Junior would like for Papa to come.”
That’s when it hit me. I still had my son, I was still going to be a father. I gave her a nod and she instantly smiled. Maybe her being happy would make my son happy.
“We will walk, but after I come back from doing something. Is that okay?” I knew what I needed to do.
I just wanted to tell Brielle I loved her and I wanted her to know exactly how I felt about losing her. I needed to try at least one more time. I took a breath thinking of a plan. I knew she wasn’t home as I learned that she and April had gone away on a last minute trip. I was happy she was getting away, she worked too hard anyway. My girl deserved a trip after everything. My girl deserved the world and apparently I was doing a bad job of giving it to her the way she deserved.
I quickly scarfed down the fruit, I didn’t trust Veronika’s job with the eggs. I took a quick shower and off I went. I stopped at a flower shop I knew well. Brielle wasn’t one for expensive gifts Plenty of days I would stop by in the mornings to grab a bouquet of fresh flowers for Brielle, she would walk into her office to find a bouquet. I went a little overboard, but I knew she loved flowers. A few times I’d spoiled her like the pair of diamond earrings on the night of her dad’s show and a Gucci purse I’d spotted her eyeing while out shopping one day. Brielle wasn’t one to be bought, just a simple surprise of flowers made her happy.
I arrived in front of the Spanish style home that I’d come to know. I pulled into the empty driveway and pulled out a key. I unlocked the front door to Brielle’s house, it was empty and quiet. I unloaded all of the flowers into her living room. I placed them on every surface I could find. I wanted her to walk into an indoor garden, in her own home.
I wandered through the rooms of her house until I entered her home office. There were work files on her desk, she was notorious for bringing her work home, but she never stopped working. I admired her work ethic so much.
Finding a pen and stealing a piece of paper from her printer, I sat at her desk and started to write a letter. I wrote exactly what I was feeling and what was in my heart. I wanted her to know that my love for her would never end. Brielle was everything to me and so much more. I’d always seen myself with her, but now I didn’t know if she saw herself with me.
I finished the letter and folded it before placing it into an empty envelope. Quickly, I scribbled her name on front and did one last thing. I slipped the key I had to her house into the envelope. I knew if we were over, there would be no use for this key. On her desk, I saw a photo that made me smile. It was the two of us, it was taken at the Labor Day barbecue before the madness. We both looked as if we were filled with a joy that couldn’t be contained. Brielle had been mine then, my goddess, my assumed forever. I took a breath and a single tear found its way from my eye. I quickly wiped it away.
I gave one last look at her office. I knew I would see her again, professionally. We would call one another Ms. Elliot and Mr. Bailey, we would be corporate robots, but no longer Brielle and Patrick. I found myself mourning who we had become, that couple that couldn’t help, but smile when in the same room together, two people who’d truly found love in one another.
Life had changed for both of us so much in the last few months. Brielle had come out of her hole and was able to let go of Keaton and the hold he had on her, even in a coma. I was able to say that for a moment, I had the girl of my dreams. I was now to become a father to a son, but that son wouldn’t be with my Brielle. I was letting go of the dreams I had of marrying Brielle and having children with her, the dreams of our own family.
Leaving her office, I found myself back in her living room that I’d covered in flowers. I sat the envelope with the letter and key on the table.
Standing there in her house, I thought of my son. I thought of what I would tell him when he came to me for advice about love. What would I tell him? Would I tell him how I’d found the love of my life, but I ruined it because I chose him over her? Would my son understand that love can hurt, but also feel so good? I knew for sure that I would tell him I decided to be a man and love him and be in his life because I had a father who couldn’t do that for me. Love, it could complicate things, but it could also build something stronger.