by Lesley Jones
I wasn’t sure what was going on with my brother. I’d never known him to be so quiet. Despite my concerns, it wasn’t long before I drifted off into a happy and contented sleep.
2008
“I’m not going.”
“Well, someone’s got to, it’s either there or Canada next week,” Luke replied. “I thought I was doing you a favour by putting myself up for Canada, but I can’t do both.”
“We’ll just have to reschedule.”
“And let Anglo step in and win the contract? Its two nights—tops. Get Sasha to stay with her or send her to my nans.”
My jaw was so tense that I could feel it spasm intermittently and twitch.
“I can’t leave her, Luke. I won’t leave her.”
“Then we’ll just have to step aside this time. We can’t negotiate with them long distance. We need bums on seats around that table, otherwise we might as well just step aside and let Anglo Continental win the contract this time.”
“Fuck.” I attempted to massage some of the tension out of my own neck as I paced.
“It’s only Scotland, can’t you just take her with you?”
“She can’t lift her head without wanting to throw up.”
Sarah was four months pregnant and suffering from severe morning sickness. She was living on water, the occasional black tea, and rice cakes. She’d started this pregnancy glowing, but by early January, the odd feeling of nausea turned into throwing up every morning, which soon evolved into throwing up at any time of day.
She eventually went to the doctor for it, and he prescribed her some anti-sickness medication. Then her nan told her some horror story about how the anti-morning sickness drug that had been around in the sixties caused all kinds of birth defects, so she refused to take it.
Work for me was still busy, even more so since we started supplying labour to the rigs. We started out winning a huge contract in Australia, and since then we had been invited to tender for companies in both Canada and Scotland. Luke and I figured we needed at least one of us in each of these places to negotiate, but we figured that before Sarah had gotten sick.
“We need to take on someone new.”
“Yeah, you’re right, we probably do, but that’s not gonna help us out right now.”
“We could call Shain to come back.”
“Call Shain back? Our only senior staff member based in Australia and ask him to fly all the way here so that you don’t have to fly to fucking Scotland for two days? Are you fucking shitting me right now, all this, over two fucking days away from home?”
“I just got back from a week in Joburg, Luke. Don’t forget the six or seven weeks I did back in Aus last year, leaving on my fucking wedding day.”
“Travel was always gonna be a part of the job. We knew that when we set this thing up. You were never supposed to be based here. You were supposed to be sitting pretty in the Perth or Sydney office. It’s not my fault you came here and chose to fall in love.”
Luke leaned back in the chair he was sitting in on the opposite side of my desk and propped his feet up, crossing his legs at the ankles.
“I didn’t choose. I had no say in the fucking matter, believe me.”
I watched the left side of his mouth twitch before he eventually broke out into a smile.
“That would be almost sweet if you weren’t being such a little pussy bitch about leaving her for two days.”
“A pussy bitch? Is that right, you prick? You wanna watch your mouth. Don’t think I haven’t noticed the way you look at Sasha, but never grown balls big enough to say or do anything about the way she’s got you all twisted.”
“Fuck you.”
“You’d like to.”
We were both quiet for a few long moments, lost in our thoughts. I knew he was pissed off that she was seeing Shain and had spent Christmas with him, but he never said a thing. I got nothing.
I stared at the photo on my desk of Sarah and me. It was taken at Hilary’s, a boat harbour, in Western Australia last year. She looked so happy and healthy. Her freckles were out in full force because of the sun, and her one-dimpled smile was on show. It hit me hard in that moment just how unwell she’d been looking.
“She’s so fucking sick, Luke. It’s not even funny. I just hate leaving her again so soon,” I told him very quietly.
He tilted his head back and looked up at the ceiling.
“I know she’s been sick. It’s only two days, though. Don’t try to make me feel guilty.” I stayed silent, knowing he would eventually cave to some sort of compromise. He’d been as worried about Sarah as I had. He just hadn’t seen her in person for a couple of weeks and was unaware of the effects the constant throwing up was having on her.
He dropped his feet to the floor and let out a low groan. “Fine, I’ll go and stay with her the first night you’re away, but my flights at one the following day.”
This was why we worked so well together. We were more like lovers than business partners—in a very blokey, nonsexual way obviously.
We would shout, scream, and hurl abuse at each other one minute, but once a solution was found, neither of us held grudges and it was back to business as usual.
“How about this then: I fly up in the morning and come back in the evening after the meeting. I don’t need to stay there and wait for their answer. A call will be enough.”
“The same day?”
“Yeah.”
“I just said I’d stay with her.”
“But I’d still be happier if I came home.”
He stared at me as if I were an alien for a few seconds and then shook his head.
“You are seriously fucked where my sister’s concerned. You know that, right?”
“I’m all too aware of how fucked I am where your sister is concerned. I love her. Nothing else matters.” I shrugged my shoulders, not wanting to get into a D and M about his sister at the end of our working day.
“You do realise that you’re gonna be completely fucked if this baby’s a girl, don’t ya?
“And you’re not?”
He grinned.
I grinned.
“What if they don’t get done talking till midnight? What if the talking carries on for two or three days?”
“That’s a chance I’ll take.”
“Well, I still think you’re fucking mad, but if that’s what you wanna do.”
“It’s not what I wanna do. What I wanna do is stay home and look after Sarah, but I’m about to become a father, so I need to make this business a success. If doing that means flying up and down the country for a few days, then so be it.”
***
When I got home later that night, Sarah was already curled up in bed with a book. I watched her from the doorway of our bedroom, taking in the paleness of her skin and the dark circles beneath her eyes. Her cheekbones looked sharper and more prominent than I’d ever seen them before, even her pre wedding diet hadn’t made her look this slim. As much as I loved the idea of her being pregnant, I hated the toll it was taking on her, and her frailness worried me.
She must have sensed me standing there, because she opened her eyes and looked up. The smile that lit up her face still had the ability to bring me to my knees, especially when that one dimple appeared.
“You’re home early.”
“It’s almost nine thirty, I wouldn’t call that early.”
She sat up slowly, which I knew took her more effort than she would ever admit. “It’s early for you. I love it when your home before I go to sleep.”
I couldn’t move. Her words almost floored me. Something most other couples took for granted, she considered a treat, a rarity. It was Thursday, and I hadn’t eaten dinner with her once this week. Nine thirty was the earliest I had been home. My fucking heart broke for her right then. I promised her I’d do better, but I was still working long hours and now I was gonna have to fly up to Scotland for a day and leave her again.
I made the decision right then that as soon as I was back, we w
ere taking on more staff. The only reason that we hadn’t was because we’d been too busy to set aside time for interviews. I would make time. As much as I wanted the business to succeed, I knew that I needed to be home more. I needed to be a better husband.
Very soon, I would need to be the best Dad.
“Did you eat?” She started to climb out of bed.
“Don’t get up. I’ll shower and come join you.”
She paused and looked a little hurt. I hated the disappointment that flashed across her face, but I still couldn’t move from my spot by the door.
“I was coming to give you a kiss.”
I watched her as she stood slowly. She was fucking sick. She was sick because she was carrying my baby, and I just stood there and watched her struggle to her feet because I felt so ashamed of the fact that I just left her here all day and most of the night . . . alone.
“Sarah, I’m so fucking sorry, pretty girl.”
She gave a nervous laugh. “W-why? What did you do?” She looked as if she were about to cry, and it was that small tremble of her bottom lip that put me in motion. In four long strides, I was in front of her, pulling her into my arms. I pulled her down onto the bed with me and tucked her against my body so I could breathe in her scent. Her shampoo, face cream, and shower gel all combined to produce a scent that was uniquely Sarah, my wife, my life, my heart.
“I feel like all I do is apologise to you for being late or for not being here at all.”
I didn’t want to make this about sex, but even with her sick and dressed in her unicorn-and-rainbow patterned flannel pyjamas, I was getting hard.
She remained silent, and I didn’t blame her. I didn’t apologies for her to tell me that it was okay for me to continuously work sixteen, eighteen, or sometimes twenty hours a day, because it wasn’t.
“This isn’t the way I planned on starting our marriage.”
“With me getting pregnant so soon?”
I adjusted her in my lap so that I could see her face. “What? No. Fuck no. I’d have had you pregnant that very first night if you’d given me the chance, before we were ever married.”
She smiled at me, and a flush of colour spread from her neck to her cheeks.
“I wish I’d have been brave enough to let ya.”
“Fuck, you’re making me hard. You had those fucking stockings on. I’ll never forget that, or that when I reached around to touch your arse, I realised it was bare skin I was touching and you were wearing a thong.”
She sucked her lips between her teeth and stared at me wide eyed, finally looking healthy because of the way I was making her blush. I leaned down and said against her ear, “I really wanna slide inside you right now, but I don’t wanna make you feel worse than you already do.”
She moved so that she was straddling me and looked me dead in the eyes. “If you don’t fuck me right now, you’ll make me feel a whole lot worse than I do already.”
I didn’t need any more encouragement than that.
“Help me get this off.”
I undid the top few buttons of my shirt before Sarah pulled it over my head. I unbuttoned her pyjama top and pushed it back off her shoulders.
My wife had always had a fantastic rack, but fuck me. Since she got pregnant, it had gotten . . .
“These, fuck, Sarah. Perfect. So fucking perfect.” I pushed her tits together and moved my mouth from one nipple to the other while she fumbled with my belt, my button, and then the zip on my suit pants.
Her hand was inside my jocks and pulling out my dick as she ground herself against me, searching for something I was all too ready to give her.
Her back arched, forcing her tits into my mouth as she griped me in her hand and stroked me. The harder I sucked and bit, the faster she stroked.
“What d’ya want, pretty girl? Tell me and it’s yours. Whatever you want, I’ll give ya.” She moaned, and her back arched a bit further. “Words, Sarah. Use your words and tell me what you want,” I said, sliding my hand inside her pyjama bottoms.
“You.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. God. Fuck yeah.”
My thumb found her clit, and I pressed down as I kissed, sucked, bit, and licked up and down her exposed throat.
With my free hand, I pulled her bottoms down over her arse and helped her out of them one leg at a time. When they were finally free, I slid my middle finger through her wet pussy and pushed it deep inside her.
“Where, baby? Where’d ya want me?”
“Inside. Your dick inside me.” Her words vibrated against my mouth as I resumed my assault on her neck.
“Come get it then. I want you on top. Come take charge and ride me.”
With no more prompting needed, she slid herself along my thighs, over my hips and down onto my dick in one slick move.
We groaned into each other’s mouths as our tongues fucked at the same pace as our bodies. She rocked into me as I rolled my hips up to meet hers, which had her nails digging into my shoulders. I bit my approval into the soft skin along her shoulder before grazing my teeth over her nipples and sliding my fingers between us to push down on her clit. She was so tight, and the noises she was making were almost too much. I urged her on, meeting her move for move until I felt her clench around me. Her head fell back, exposing her throat for me to lavish with more kisses, and I let go, pouring my heart and soul inside her, my home.
***
I woke up to an empty bed and the sound of Sarah throwing up coming from our en suite.
She was quite literally hugging the toilet when I walked into the bathroom. She was kneeling down with her arms are draped around it and her back strained and arched over so that her head lowered into the bowl as she heaved.
I rinsed out a face cloth under the cold tap and placed it on the back of her neck.
“You want some water?”
She nodded her head without looking up at me.
“Please.”
I ran down the stairs, collected a cold bottle of water from the fridge and a couple of the rice cakes she liked, and was back at her side in less than a minute. I hated seeing her like this and would take it all away if I could. It was even worse that I was reduced to only being able to get her water and shitty rice cakes. I’d tried them; they tasted like cardboard. I wanted to feed her a roast dinner or fish and chips, something that would fatten her up, but I knew she couldn’t keep anything like that down. I just felt so bloody helpless.
I threw the food on to the bed and headed into the bathroom with the water. She was sitting with her back against the cupboards beneath the sink and had the face cloth covering her entire face.
“My head hurts,” she said very quietly, and I knelt next to her and lifted the cloth away.
“I know, bub.” My voice was quiet in the small room as I unscrewed the cap and held the bottle up to her lips. “Here, drink this.”
She took a few small sips before slowly opening her eyes.
“You okay?”
She gave a small nod but looked far from okay.
“This is fucking ridiculous. There must be something they can give you.”
She shrugged her shoulders. “They did, I don’t wanna take it.”
“Why? Because of some fuck-up from the fifties or sixties? Things are different now, babe. The testing is much more stringent. They’d never let something like that happen again.”
“I’d rather throw up for nine months than take that chance.”
She took the water from my hand and gulped down a few big swigs. Thirty seconds later, she barely made the crawl to the toilet in time.
Kneeling behind her, I held her hair away from her face and rubbed her back. Other than that, I had nothing else I could offer her. I felt helpless and so fucking useless.
By the time she finished, her face was ashen, her skin was clammy, and her entire body was shaking.
“You can’t carry on like this, bub. You need to go back and see the doctor.”
“It’ll pass soon. It’
s already getting better. I’ve not been sick after about ten for the last two days now. It’s just the early mornings that are still bad.”
“Are you managing to eat anything at all? Is anything staying down?”
“Toast,” she offered with a sad smile.
“Fuck. I don’t know how you can smile about this.”
I wrapped my arms around her, and she buried her face against my chest.
“Why are you here?”
“I’ve missed you. I have to fly to Scotland early tomorrow morning, and I won’t be back till late tomorrow night, so I took some time to spend with you today.”
I could feel her smile against my chest.
“I’d kiss you, but I have upchuck breath.”
“Upchuck breath. That’s a new one.”
“They should bottle it and make teenagers smell it. The girls at least would never go without contraception again if they thought that delightful stench was what they had to look forward to. It’d soon put an end to unprotected teenage sex and unwanted pregnancies.”
“Sarah Delaney, controlling the population boom where the pill and condoms failed.”
She slapped my arse.
“I feel disgusting.”
“You feel fine to me, baby.” I ground my hips into her as I spoke.
“Seriously? You’re gonna go there right now? I have upchuck breath, upchuck hair, and sweaty pits. I heaved so hard that I think I may even have wet myself just a little, and yet you’re still getting hard for me.”
I held on to either side of her face and forced her to look up at me. I kissed each of her eyelids, her nose, and then her mouth.
“You could be covered in upchuck from head to toe, Sarah Delaney, but I will still love you a lottle. You will forever remain my pretty girl, and I will have an eternal hard-on whenever you are near.”
She burst into tears.
***
I ran a bath, added bubbles, and we sat and soaked in the warmth while eating toast and sipping tea.
When the tea, toast, and bubbles were gone, we moved to the sofa. Sarah tucked herself under a throw as I built a fire and put on the first in a line of movies she told me she wanted to watch. That is where we spent the whole afternoon. I worked while Sarah watched Pride and Prejudice, Harry Potter, Matilda, and Train Spotting. Like most everything else in life, she had the most eclectic taste in film choices, and I loved it.