by Lesley Jones
“How old is she?” Maggie asked.
“She’s forty-three now so she would’ve been in her early thirties then.”
“Your mum’s only forty-three?” Lori questioned.
“Yeah, she was only sixteen when she had my sister and eighteen when she had me. That was the next thing she started on at me about and has kept on about it for the past ten years.”
“What?” Both Maggie and Lori were leaning forward in their chairs and listening intently as they sipped their wine.
“She’s just become really bitter and constantly banging on about how having us so young ruined her life. I don’t know how my dad puts up with it.”
“It makes her sound like she’s jealous to me. She fucked up her life by getting pregnant so young, and she’s jealous that you’ve not made the same mistake and are still young, free, and single.” Maggie offered her opinion.
“Hmmm, maybe,” Sasha replied.
We were all quiet for a few long minutes.
“So, have we got anyone hot and single coming for lunch Christmas day, or are they all paired up?” Maggie broke the silence and had an almost hopeful look in her eyes.
“All paired up. Although . . .” I contemplated how she’d react to my suggestion and decided to go for it regardless of what it might be, “I could always invite Will.”
“Will?” They all questioned together.
“Yeah.” I shrugged.
“Will from the wedding?” I nodded at Maggie. “Will from the wedding who never took his eyes off you the entire day? No thanks.”
I felt myself blush and knew that comment just raised my blood pressure considerably.
“He did not,” I protested, but it was weak and everyone in the room knew it.
“Oh come on, Sares. We all know Will Bennet is bang in love with you. He moved away because you broke his heart so badly.”
I gave Sasha the look, wishing that I’d never made the suggestion.
“So, back to me. Is there any one coming to dinner that’s hot, not in love with Sarah, and single?”
“Well Shain might be if Sasha finishes with him,” I suggested.
“And not a dick.” Maggie added.
“Why’d you think he’s a dick?” Sasha was looking directly at Maggie. “What makes you say that?”
“I think he’s a bit of a flirt, and he doesn’t care if you’re around, he still does it.” Maggie shrugged her shoulder. I had noticed it too, but I figured if Sash didn’t say anything then she was okay with it, or at least happy to just let it go.
“Yeah, we have had words about that.” Guess I was wrong.
“As long as you’re aware and are happy to put up with that, it’s fine, but personally, I find it a little disrespectful.”
I chewed on my bottom lip, debating whether I should add my thoughts on Shain, which were pretty on par with Maggie’s. But I had a banging headache and wasn’t sure that I wanted to get into it with Sash right then.
“D’you think he’s a flirt?” Sasha asked. Before I could school my features and come up with a neutral answer, she added, “Great, everyone thinks my boyfriend is a fucking dick. I can’t wait to sit around the Christmas dinner table now knowing what you all think of him.”
“It doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks, it’s only what you think that matters.” Lori told her.
“I’m not an idiot, I’m aware that he flirts, and it has caused arguments, but he’s not a dick. I think he’s so used to me not being around that he forgets to rein it in when I am.”
“Does that not make you worry then? Does it not concern you what his flirting could lead to when you’re not around?” Maggie asked.
“We have a long-distance relationship. There has to be a high level of trust for it to work. In the beginning, I didn’t care too much, then things got serious, and I did. Honestly, I don’t know what to think.”
“What’s the sex like?”
“The best I’ve ever had.” Sasha tells Maggie.
“Yeah, the Aussies are good in the sack.”
I put my hand up in the air. “I can vouch for that.” I then blushed to the roots of my hair when I realised I’d just told my husband’s mother that her son was good in bed.
“Well, if he’s anything like his father, then you should have an eternal smile on your face.” Lori’s comment made my blush deepen.
“On that note, I’m going to bed. Don’t do anything hasty, Sash, you might feel differently once he gets here.”
“Yeah, maybe,” she said with a sigh as she helped me to stand again. The room spun a bit, but I took a deep breath and offered a smile to everyone before making my way upstairs.
***
I had just reached the thirty-two week stage, and according to my obstetrician we were on the home stretch and that every week I lasted without going into labour was a bonus. It had been another long, but good day, and I was sleeping soundly in my bed with Carter spread out next to me when my phone rang. I was so disoriented that I picked up my mobile, saw the screen dark, and then picked up the landline handset. My heart was pounding in my chest, and I had a sharp pain in my temple as I answered the phone with a shaky, “Hello?”
It was amazing how many thoughts could hurtle through a person’s brain in a few seconds. Fully expecting the call to be from Liam, who had gotten the time difference muddled, it took me a few moments to figure out who was actually on the phone.
“Sarah, its Grandad.”
“Nan? What’s wrong, what’s happened?”
“Sarah—” She sobbed down the phone, and that was when the panic really set in. “He’s had a heart attack. I’m so sorry, my love. I didn’t wanna call you, but Luke’s not answering his mobile.”
“He’s still in China. What’s happening? Where is he? Which hospital?” I reeled off questions as I reached for my phone, calling first Liam and then Luke—neither answered. “Nan, where are you? Are you at the hospital? Is there a nurse there or a doctor I can talk to?”
I tossed my mobile down and switched on a lamp so I could move around the room without falling over something. I grabbed the first things I found, a pair of sweats and my UGGs, and waited for Nan to calm down enough to talk or hand the phone off to someone else.
Finally, a nurse got on the line and gave me the name of the hospital before telling me I needed to get there as soon as possible.
Both Maggie and Lori were standing in my bedroom doorway by the time I hung up.
“Grandad’s had a heart attack. I need to go to Suffolk.”
Lori took the empty overnight bag I had in my hand and started pulling underwear and basic clothing out of my drawers. Then she moved to the bathroom and tossed all my toiletries in it.
“I’ll drive you. Mum can stay here with the little man.”
I turned to look at my son who was still sleeping soundly in my bed. That was when I cried.
“I’ve never left him before.” I pressed my fingers to my lips as I spoke.
“He’ll be fine. Get dressed, Maggie,” Lori ordered.
I kissed Carter’s head and face. I breathed in his scent before kissing him again and heading downstairs to where Maggie was already dressed and waiting.
“We’ll take Liam’s car. It’s faster than your mummobile.”
“No, it’s dark, mine’s bigger and safer. There might be deer on the road.”
I kissed Lori, and we were on our way a few minutes later. I called Liam and Luke continuously while Maggie drove, but neither of them ever picked up. I called Nan to let her know we had left, and then I called the hotel where the boys were staying and left a message for them at the front desk. Maggie dropped me at the doors of the emergency department, and with my heart hammering in my chest and on very shaky legs, I walked as quickly as I could to where the nurse I’d spoken to on the phone told me to go. I found Nan alone and pacing in a small waiting room.
I wanted to be brave and strong. I wanted to be the support I knew my nan needed right then, but as soon
as I saw her, my legs felt like they were about to give way and the sob that heaved from my chest almost choked me.
“Oh, Sarah, you shouldn’t have driven all this way in the dark in your condition.”
My nan pulled me into her arms and swayed us from side to side, holding me to her while I cried. Exactly the way she had when I was a child.
“Maggie drove. Where is he, can we see him?”
She held me out at arm’s length and brushed the tears away from my face with her thumbs.
“He’s gone for scans—he was—it’s not good Sarah. His heart was stopped for a long time.”
She led us both over to sit down on the chairs around the edge of the room.
“They’ll come and fetch us when he’s back.”
Maggie walked into the waiting room seconds before a nurse came to tell us that Grandad was back and had been moved into a room in the intensive care unit. Maggie came with us as we took the lift up to the next floor. She went to the small waiting room up there while the nurse showed us to the room.
“The doctor will be along to see you shortly, she’s just looking at all of the results from the tests.”
I stood at the door, too scared to go in. I could hear the bleeping of the machines and what I assumed was the sound of a ventilator. I could see the end of the bed where I knew my grandad was lying, but I didn’t want to see any more. I didn’t want this to be real, and I didn’t want to do this on my own.
My husband should be here with me, and I was so fucking angry with him right then.
“Oh, Archie. I’m so sorry, my love. I’m so sorry.” I heard Nan sob from inside the room.
I remained in the doorway and cried.
“Excuse me, are you here for Mr Carter?” I turned to see a tall woman in scrubs standing behind me. I wiped my face on the back of my hands before speaking.
“I’m his granddaughter, Sarah Delaney.” I didn’t hold my hand out because it was wet with snot and tears. She seemed to understand the lack of gesture and gave me a small nod. “I’m Deborah Stokes, the doctor that’s been looking after him.”
“It’s Archie, his name is Archie.”
She nodded again. “Can we talk?”
I panicked and forgot to breathe. My head started to spin and dots appeared in front of my eyes. I must have swayed, because Deborah gently took hold of my elbow.
“Let’s get you sat down shall we.”
“She’s thirty-two weeks pregnant with twins and has high blood pressure.” I heard Maggie’s voice tell the doctor, but I had no idea the direction it was coming from. Both my vision and hearing were distorted, and I knew I needed to sit down before I fell down.
“Can I have some help here?” Someone shouted, and I shook my head weakly, trying to clear the fog.
I was eased back into a chair, and then someone was listening to my heart and taking my blood pressure.
“One hundred forty-nine over ninety-nine. Higher than I’d like but not too excessive. How’s her heart rate?”
“Ninety-five.”
“Sarah, what’s wrong, what’s going on?” It was Nan, but I couldn’t see past the doctor standing in front of me.
“Its okay, Mai, she was just a little dizzy,” Maggie answered for me, and it was only then that I realised it was her that had been holding my hand.
After a glass of water and a few minutes sitting, I felt a lot less shaky. I needed to pull myself together. I couldn’t have Nan worrying about both me and Grandad.
I took a few breaths and tried to tell the doctor I was okay to walk, but she insisted I use a wheelchair to get around the hospital. Maggie, took control of pushing me, and wheeled me into Grandad’s room.
I had been right. He was on a ventilator. There were drips and machines all around the head of the bed and attached to him. Nan was sitting at his side, holding his hand.
I began to shake again, but Maggie placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder and I blinked away the tears.
“Oh, Sarah, you shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t have called you.”
“Of course you should have. I’d have been mad if you hadn’t. I’m okay, Nan, just had a bit of a wobble.”
Maggie pushed me as close to my nan and to the bed as she could get me and left to find herself some coffee. Nan and I were there for what felt like eternity, surrounded by the beeps and whooshes of the machines, before the doctor knocked softly on the door.
“Can we go to my office and have a chat about Archie’s test results, Mrs Carter?”
I reached out and took Nan’s hand.
“I’m not leaving him. You can talk to me here.”
The doctor looked towards me for guidance, all I could offer was a small nod. She moved around the bed and crouched down in front of Nan.
“As I’m sure has been explained to you, Archie has suffered a major cardiac arrest, and although we have managed to get his heart restarted, he was without oxygen for quite a while. The tests that we carried out were to look at damage that has been done to his heart and his brain.”
I leaned forward and put my hand over Nan’s as she held Grandad’s.
“The results of the tests show sever damage to the right side of Archie’s heart and zero brain activity.”
“No.” I sobbed out. I didn’t want to. I wanted to be brave and strong, but I wasn’t. “Nan, no, no.”
“Its okay, Sarah. It’s all gonna be okay. You mustn’t get yourself upset, my love, you’ve got those babies to think about.”
“What does all that mean, doctor?” My nan asked calmly.
“There’s no further treatment we can offer your husband, Mrs Carter.”
I leant forward on the bed, rested my cheek on Grandad’s legs, and cried.
“The ventilator is the only thing keeping him alive right now. If we were to remove that support, he wouldn’t survive.”
I looked up at the doctor. “Are you going to do that? Remove that support?”
“That’s a decision for your nan to make, Sarah.”
I looked towards Nan, who was nodding her head.
“We have to let him go, Sarah. Your grandad was a proud man, he’d hate to be left like this.”
I didn’t want her to be right, but I knew that she was. He’d hate it. With that in mind, and after another round of tests that confirmed no brain activity, Grandad’s ventilator was switched off at two o’clock the following afternoon. I kissed his cheek, and both Nan and I held a hand each as the man that had raised me, passed peacefully away, just twelve minutes later.
Liam and Luke finally made contact just two short hours after that. I’d just faced one of the most devastating moments of my life and once again, my husband wasn’t around.
I was sitting at my nan’s kitchen table when Liam’s call came through to my mobile. I was exhausted and emotional. I contemplated not answering, my head was pounding, and I felt a little sick.
“Sarah?” He spoke before I even got a chance to. “Thank fuck. What’s wrong? You okay?”
“I hate you so fucking much right now.” It was all I had to say. I ended the call and switched off my phone. I stood from the table, intending to go and crawl into bed with my nan, but dots started to dance in front of my eyes. At first, I thought I was having a panic attack, but the pain in my head suddenly became excruciating and I once again felt dizzy. I just made it to the sink, before I threw up.
Twenty minutes later, Maggie had me back at the hospital. There was an explosion of activity around me as a nurse rushed me from the emergency department, straight to a theatre up on the maternity ward. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me again. On the day my grandad died, I was going to give birth to twins in the very same hospital, and my husband was absent for both events.
With Maggie dressed in scrubs and holding my hand in the operating theatre, my twins came into the world. Archer Mason Delaney—Archie for short—weighed in first at four pounds one ounce, and forty-seven seconds later, Flynn Lewis Delaney arrived, weighing in at four p
ounds exactly.
They both looked exactly like Carter when he was born, including having full heads of blond hair.
I was devastated that Liam missed the birth. Devastated, pissed off, angry. Between dealing with that and my grandad’s death, I was a mess, and during the night after the twin’s birth, I barely stopped crying long enough to think straight.
I felt so torn. I wanted to be happy that our twins were delivered safely, and despite being early and small, they were doing well, but I was also heartbroken at losing the man who had raised me.
I’d just been helped back into bed by the nurse after seeing the babies in the special care unit, when Liam walked into my room around lunchtime the following day.
Maggie was sitting in the chair next to my bed and stood the instant she saw him. She smacked him so hard around the face that I saw stars.
“You should’ve been here. She is your wife. They are your children, your family. Your fucking priority. I’m so disappointed in you right now. You do realise that you’re turning into him, don’t you? And just like Dad, you’re gonna lose it all if you don’t make some changes.”
Liam didn’t move. His eyes remained fixed on his sister as she spoke, and he dropped his head to stare at the floor when she left the room.
He finally looked up and met my gaze. My heart broke for him, for me, for us. But overriding the heartbreak, was anger.
“I don’t want you here.” His eyes widened, and he opened his mouth to speak. “I need you to go. You should be with Carter, he needs you; I don’t.”
“Sarah, please. I’m so—”
“No. Not this time. I don’t want to hear it this time. One of the most important people in my life died yesterday, and then I gave birth to twins. I did all of that without you here. I didn’t need you then, and I certainly don’t need you now, so you can fuck off.”
“I wanna see my babies.”
“You can see them. I’d never stop you from doing that. I just don’t want to be around you right now.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I need your sorrys even less than I need you right now. You manage to forget I exist and put me at the bottom of your priority pile most of the time, so let’s just keep up with that tradition shall we?”