“Julie … I—urn …”
Julie looked up at her mother, who was chewing her bottom lip and looking perplexed. “What is it, Mom? What do you want to say to me? Don’t tell me not to go. Because I am going.”
Her mother sighed and sat down on the outermost edge of the sofa cushion, her hands folded neatly in her lap. “I wouldn’t ask you not to go. I know how involved you’ve been in Luke’s illness.”
“So what’s your point?”
“It’s just that it is Luke’s illness. You’ve gotten awfully wrapped up in this thing. Don’t forget that you have a life to live too. You shouldn’t let his health problems take over your whole existence.”
“I can’t believe you’re saying this! You know how I feel about Luke. I can’t abandon him.”
“Don’t be so dramatic. I’m not asking you to abandon him. I’m simply asking you to step back and get some perspective. You’ve gotten so wrapped up in this whole business that you’ve lost sight of your own goals and plans.”
Fuming, Julie asked, “And what goals might those be?” How could her mother be so insensitive?
“You haven’t done a single thing about college since our discussion last November. I’m telling you, Julie, now is the time to start applying. All the really top colleges fill up fast. If you aren’t careful—”
Julie propelled herself off the couch. “I can’t believe you’re hounding me about something as unimportant as a college application! Don’t you understand, Mom? Luke’s cancer is back. He’s not rid of it and … and …” Her voice began to waver.
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” her mother said in her most soothing tone. “I thought perhaps thinking about college would take your mind off Luke. Thinking about your future should be a fun thing.”
Julie shook her head, and hot tears stung her eyes. “My future? You still don’t get it, do you, Mother? Without Luke, I don’t have a future. Without Luke, I don’t even want one!”
She spun, ran from the room, and raced up the stairs, where she slammed her bedroom door hard behind her, then threw herself across her bed and sobbed.
As soon as school was out on Monday, Julie and Luke headed to Waterton’s hospital, where Nancy joined them from her job at the mill. Dr. Laramore worked in an adjoining office building, on a floor named the Wilson Cancer Center. His suite was spacious and well decorated, with stacks of magazines, tables containing half-completed jigsaw puzzles, and, in the reception area, a desk that held a coffeemaker and ice-filled bowls with cartons of juice. “Help yourself,” a nurse said. Luke declined.
Dr. Laramore was a pleasant-looking man, trim and well built, with a mustache. He ushered Luke, his mother, and Julie into his office and sat down at his desk. Julie took a deep breath, reached for Luke’s hand, and thought, Here we go again.
“I’ve been over your records,” the doctor said after introductions. “And I’ve studied your scans carefully. There’s a growth in your chest and another, much smaller one in your groin.”
Julie felt Luke’s hand tighten around hers. “Dr. Kessler didn’t mention that one.”
“It wasn’t as easy to detect. Besides, that’s my job—to go over your scans with a magnifying glass.” He paused, letting the news sink in.
“What will you do about it?” Nancy asked quietly.
“What we’re going to do is bombard both areas with a mantle of radiation to damage these cancer cells and stop their growth. You’ll be given a total of twenty treatments—five a week for a month. Nothing on the weekends.”
Luke looked surprised. “That doesn’t seem like much time. I mean compared with the chemo.”
“You’ll be receiving very high doses of radiation, and while it will be painless, there are side effects.”
“Such as?”
“You’ll be unusually tired. And the skin in the treated area will redden, as if you’ve gotten a mild sunburn. Apply no lotions or creams, though, unless I okay it. And because the treatments will be on your chest area, you may have a sore throat and difficulty swallowing … some loss of appetite is normal. You may develop a dry cough too.”
Luke shook his head in disgust. “And the other area?” he asked.
Dr. Laramore steepled his fingers together and let his gaze bounce between Luke and Julie. “Often, both Hodgkin’s and the treatments for Hodgkin’s can cause fertility problems.” He paused, waiting for their reactions.
“Are you saying my son might never have children?” Nancy’s question brought the problem into sharp focus for Julie.
“It’s a possibility. Although,” he added quickly, “young men are more likely to regain their fertility than older men.”
“Any other little tidbits?” Luke asked, his voice crisp, sarcastic. He did not look at Julie, but kept his eyes riveted on the doctor.
“That’s about it.” Dr. Laramore stood. “I’d like to get started as soon as possible. The first thing we’ll do is define the exact area we’re going to treat. We’ll go back to one of the radiation rooms, where my technicians will measure, calculate, and mark you up. From the information, I’ll create a graph to program the computer for your specific needs, taking into consideration your body density and the position of the tumors.”
“ ‘Mark me up’?”
“With the help of lasers, we’ll literally draw lines with a marking pen in a grid pattern on your body that I’ll use to determine the exact spots that will receive the radiation. Try not to wash these lines off, because we’ll use them every day.”
“Can I shower?”
“Yes, but no soap on the marks until you’ve completed your treatments. The technicians will redraw the lines as they fade.”
He walked them down the hall to a room where a large machine stood in the center of the floor, a bedlike table positioned under it. There were computers in the room and outside the door, which looked heavy and strong. “It’s solid steel,” one of the nurses said as Julie studied it. “Can’t have any radiation leaking out.”
Julie thought, It’ll be leaking into Luke’s body, but she didn’t say it. Signs on the walls read: “Caution. X ray machines in use.” She felt as if she’d stumbled into some sort of high-tech nuclear time warp. The machines looked cold and menacing.
“The two of you will have to wait in the lobby,” a nurse told Julie and Nancy. “This will take about an hour.”
“An hour?” Nancy sounded dismayed, and seemed hesitant to let her son remain inside the steel-lined room without her.
“The calculation part takes the longest,” Dr. Laramore said kindly. “From now on, Luke will have a standing appointment to come in and be treated. The actual treatments take no more than a minute or so. And they’re painless.”
Julie and Luke’s mother returned to the spacious lobby and took a seat. They didn’t speak. Julie felt overwhelmed, imagining Luke being marked up like a piece of wild game after a kill. The doctors were going to shoot massive amounts of radiation into him in the hope of destroying the cancer cells that had invaded him. They were going to subject him to nuclear medical technology. And possibly rob him of his ability ever to have children.
“If it saves his life, it’s a small price to pay,” Nancy said quietly, as if she’d read Julie’s mind. “His life is worth any price.”
12
“Are you sure it didn’t hurt?” Julie asked Luke afterward when they returned to his house.
His mother had insisted Julie stay for dinner and was downstairs in the kitchen. Upstairs, in his room, the delicious aromas of browning hamburgers and sizzling onions permeated the air. Luke’s bedroom was small, and the heavy oak furniture that had once belonged to his grandmother seemed too big for the space. Football trophies lined a shelf hung over his bed, while books had been stacked along a wall between his stereo and a study desk.
Large posters of a youthful Marilyn Monroe smiled beguilingly from his walls. Julie used to tease him about his “Marilyn fixation,” but today she hardly noticed the pictures. She was apprehensive about his rad
iation therapy, and not hiding it.
“Didn’t hurt a bit,” Luke said. “I just had to lie really still while they drew on me.” He lifted his shirt, and Julie saw bright blue lines on his skin that disappeared below the waistband of his jeans. “Actually, it sort of tickled.”
She leaned in closer, squinting. “What are those little dots between the blue lines?” She followed the small dots down his chest with her eyes.
“Tattoos,” he said. “Permanent marks so that the technician can always line up the machine perfectly. If the radiation beam is even a tiny degree off, the wrong part of my body will get the radiation.”
“So they play connect-the-dots on your skin every time?”
“That’s right.” He pulled his shirt down to cover the blue lines. “Personally, if I got a tattoo, I’d have picked something more exciting—like a mermaid, or a heart.” He patted his upper arm. “It would read ‘Luke loves Julie.’ ”
She appreciated his trying to lighten her mood, but she didn’t like this radiation business one bit. “I want to go with you for your treatments. What time’s your next appointment?”
“Every day at three-thirty, but I don’t want you to come.”
“But why?” His response surprised her.
“I’ve been thinking about it, Julie, and there’s nothing for you to do but sit in the lobby. I’d rather go on in by myself, get my treatment, then head to the gym.”
“The gym? But the doctor said you’d be tired.”
“I don’t care what the doctor said. So long as I’m able to function, I’m going to stick with my normal routine.”
“But there’s all that juice to drink and all those puzzles to work at the radiation center.” She hoped humor would persuade him to let her come along.
“Sitting around waiting is boring, Julie. I don’t want you to do it anymore.”
“But—”
“Please,” he interrupted. “It’s what I want.”
She was frustrated, but she didn’t argue.
Every afternoon that week, Luke left school as soon as classes were dismissed. He didn’t change his mind about Julie accompanying him to the cancer center; in fact, he kept to himself even at school, telling Julie that he didn’t have much of an appetite and that he was skipping lunch. And in the evenings, he told her he was cramming for finals and thought it best he do it alone.
On Friday, he insisted he was tired and wanted to turn in early and that she should make other plans. Confused by his behavior, but determined not to let it dishearten her, Julie invited Solena to spend the night.
“I don’t get it,” Julie told her friend as they sat on her bedroom floor, sorting through old photos and nibbling on popcorn. “Why is he shutting me out this way?”
“It is kind of a mystery,” Solena agreed. “I mean, the whole time Luke was in the hospital and even when he went through chemo, he wanted you with him. Frankly, I can’t see the difference between radiation and the other.”
“Me either. I don’t understand him these days. He’s so moody. I can’t figure out what he wants from me.”
“Did you do something to make him angry?”
“Like what?”
“Like flirt with another guy.”
Julie rolled her eyes in exasperation. “Grow up, Solena. I haven’t thought about anybody but Luke since he got sick. And even before that, I didn’t want to date anybody else.”
“Sorry … I lost my head. I know you and Luke are number one with each other.” Solena grew silent, contemplative. Finally, she said, “You know, what’s happened to Luke has brought Frank and me closer.”
“How so?”
“If something like cancer could happen to a guy like Luke, it could happen to any of us.”
“Nobody gets to pick what life gives them,” Julie said, toying with a photo of her and Luke from their ninth-grade dance. They both looked so young. And so happy. She sighed and tossed the photo aside.
“Frank’s gotten a little paranoid,” Solena continued. “Every time he feels a bump or lump, or even if he has a headache, he gets squirrelly. He says, ‘Solena, look at this. Do you think it’s anything serious?’ As if I’d know.”
“He can’t live his whole life thinking he’s going to get some dread disease.”
“That’s what I tell him, but he still worries. He’s always popping vitamins and eating health foods—as if that will keep him from ever getting sick.”
“It can’t hurt. Luke’s doctors have said that his good physical condition helped him recover so quickly from chemo and the biopsies. And I know he’s working hard to get his fitness back so he can play ball next year.”
Solena began absently to arrange kernels of popcorn in a straight line on the carpet. “Can I ask you something?”
“Ask.”
“Did you and Luke ever talk about getting married someday?”
“He asked me to marry him in the sixth grade.”
Solena made a face at Julie. “I meant sometime more recent.”
Julie wasn’t sure how to answer. Sure, she’d been secretly planning to attend whatever college Luke chose, but she knew he wanted a shot at a career in professional football, and she wasn’t sure whether marriage and pro ball would mix. “You know my mother would croak if I got married before I climb some corporate ladder.”
“But do you want to marry Luke? Would you if he asked you?”
Unwilling to answer, Julie decided to go on the offensive. “You must be curious for a reason. Are you and Frank thinking about marriage?”
“Not exactly, but he’s been awfully nice to me lately.”
“You’re usually worried about him dumping you and dating someone else.”
“I told you this whole business with Luke has changed him.”
“Seems like a good change to me.”
“In some ways it is. But in some ways it’s scary.” Julie looked quizzical, and Solena hastened to explain. “It’s like he suddenly got old. Like life is serious business and he shouldn’t have fun anymore. As if having too much fun is something taboo.”
As Solena struggled to express her thoughts, Julie nodded. “You mean, if his best friend has to suffer then he should too.”
“Yes!” Solena cried. “That’s exactly what I mean. He feels guilty because he’s healthy and Luke isn’t.”
“Luke’s going to get well.”
“I know he is,” Solena said. Yet her tone wasn’t as convincing as her statement.
“And when he does then everything will be like it used to be. And everybody will act like they used to act.”
“You think so?”
“Absolutely.” Julie waved her hand and scattered the line of popcorn Solena had so carefully arranged. “Hey, let’s say we sneak downstairs and watch a movie. My folks should be dead to the world by now.”
“Good idea.” Solena rose and scooped up the bowl of popcorn. She paused, saying, “I’m glad we talked, Julie. I didn’t have anybody else to tell about Frank, and I knew you’d understand.”
“Once Luke recovers, Frank will be his old self. Wait and see.”
“One more thing,” Solena added. “I’m glad you invited me over tonight. I’ve missed you. I know how involved you’ve been with Luke and that’s okay, but still, I miss the stuff we used to do together. Not just you and me, but you and Luke and Frank and me. We sure had some good times.”
“I’ve missed the old days too.”
Solena sighed and shrugged. “Oh, well, I don’t mean to be a party pooper, but I did want you to know how I feel.”
“Thanks.” Julie gave her friend a quick hug.
They pattered down the stairs and into the family room, popped a tape into the VCR, and settled down to watch. But Julie could hardly follow the story line because her mind kept wandering back to Luke. The cool way he was treating her had her mystified—and worried. She didn’t understand why he wasn’t letting her remain close to him. Or why he insisted on going through his latest series of treatments
by himself. It wasn’t like Luke. He always wanted her with him.
The next day she casually asked her father how he thought Luke was behaving.
“Like he wants to put this whole mess behind him and get on with his life,” her father told her with a pleased smile. “He’s working hard in the gym. I’m impressed at the way he’s making a comeback.”
“Well, maybe he should be taking it easier.”
“Aw, Julie-girl, don’t go trying to turn Luke into a wimp. He’s doing just fine. No need to hover over him like some kind of watchdog.”
“Really, Dad, that’s not what I’m doing. I’m just questioning if he’s overdoing it or not.”
“No way,” her father said with a wave of dismissal, but Julie wasn’t so sure. She also didn’t know whether Luke’s new attitude came from a genuine desire to refocus his attention onto football or from a desire to back away from her. But she was determined to figure it out.
13
Luke was halfway through his radiation treatments when school let out for the summer. On the last day of classes, Julie found him down at the construction site of the new stadium. Bulldozers were moving dirt and the rickety old bleachers had been partially torn down to make way for the new. “Hi,” she called over the noise of the big yellow machines.
“Hi yourself.”
“Looks like real progress, doesn’t it?”
“It’s going to be a great stadium.”
She gazed up at him longingly, wishing he’d take her in his arms the way he used to do. She recalled her vow to figure out what had gone wrong between them and realized that she was more perplexed than ever. Luke rarely asked her out these days, keeping to himself, shunning contact with almost everybody. “So, what’s on your agenda for your first week of summer vacation?” she asked brightly, hoping to draw him into conversation.
“I’m doubling my efforts in the gym.”
“Can you do that?” She thought he looked tired.
“Dr. Laramore says I can do whatever I feel like doing, and I want to get back into shape as quick as I can.” He sounded cross with her for even asking.
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