Only Love

by Smith, Victoria H.

  Adam reared back and I stared in awe as he grasped the hem of his t-shirt and pulled it over his head, revealing the body I’d tried to imagine on some occasions, and fought not to imagine on others. He was toned and defined from all angles. The contours of his chest were lined with a thin covering of dark hair, just like his arms.

  I stared and so did he. I waited for him to lie back on top of me, but he didn’t right away. Instead, he ran his hands up the outsides of my thighs while I bit down on my lip in anticipation. When his fingers looped around the elastic of my panties, I held my breath, trying to ignore the fact that aside from Javi, I’d never been with anyone else. Ever. I’d never let another man touch me. Hell… I’d barely even kissed anyone other than Javi. But now, I was laying in another man’s bed, a man that I cared for.

  Adam stared at my panties wadded up in his hand for the briefest second before they were tossed to the floor. Now I was even more exposed, open for him to take. Despite my nerves, this was what I wanted.

  My skirt was tugged down my waist and then joined my panties on the floor beside Adam’s bed. I stared down my chest while my buttons were carefully undone and my shirt was pushed away from my torso, revealing even more of me beneath Adam’s sight, flaws and all. I held my breath, letting him stare, while trying not to think of him scrutinizing me, but it was hard. Having Rissa left a few marks on my stomach that would always remain, but until now, I hadn’t given them much thought. There was no reason to because no one really had to see them other than me. Adam trailed his fingertips from my bra to my navel, lingering on the very part of my body I was most self-conscious about. Without thinking much about the action, I placed my hand over my stomach, trying to cover as much of the area as I could. My breathing was erratic and I wasn’t surprised when his eyes lifted to mine, probably recognizing the sheer panic in them. His gaze shifted to my stomach again and a breath hitched in my throat when he peeled my fingers away, gently forcing my arm back down on the bed beside me, exposing me once more.

  Adam’s blue eyes cut through me again and, in that instant, the anxiety slipped away. I watched as he leaned in, still perched on his knees and placed kisses all over my abdomen, sweeping me right out of my own head and back into ecstasy. The path his lips made to my breasts was only halted to unclasp the front of my bra. He paused for a moment to rub an excited hand over my breasts before finally drawing one at a time into his mouth. My fingertips ran over the smooth skin of his back while he continued to own me, possess me.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he muttered amidst the gentle kisses he placed to my nipple. My lids became heavy and finally closed. Wanting him, all of him in that moment, I slowly thrust my hips upward off the bed until my sex pressed against his through the jeans he still hadn’t removed. Noticing the fact, Adam left the bed and stood beside it, removing his pants and the boxers he wore underneath. A breath hitched in my throat at the sight of him and I prayed he didn’t notice how hard I stared, but I couldn’t help it. That perfectly chiseled V-line at his hips led my eyes right to the magnificence between his legs. Licking my lips, I finally met his gaze again.

  Before returning to bed, Adam took a condom from the nightstand drawer and sheathed himself. When he came to rest on top of me for a second time, he stared, unmoving, without haste. He wet his lips and accepted the kiss I gave. One kiss turned into two. Next thing I knew, I had his tongue again and the folds of my sex parted slightly as his tip rested gently between them. A fresh dousing of wetness flowed and I whimpered against Adam’s mouth. The waiting was more than I could stand. With one controlled thrust, he sank himself completely inside me, the base of his dick grinding against my clit when he did. I moaned loudly this time, my lips still locked with his. As his tongue explored my mouth, the rotation of his hips against my pelvis had me mesmerized, had me clutching his back like a crazy woman. Maybe I was—crazed for him.

  Adam tore his lips away and stared at my breasts as they bounced to his rhythm. With one hand, he reached to caress them. While I watched, I found myself wondering if he really knew how I felt about him. Did he understand what me letting him in really meant?

  My chest became tight and I fought against the sting at the back of my throat.

  Oh my God, Aubrey, don’t you dare cry. Don’t you dare. Not now.

  Somehow I managed to hold it in, but the emotions that had me in their clutches made me want him closer, need him closer. Locking my fingers around the back of his neck, I pulled his lips to mine again, feeling the hair on his chest against my breasts when he came to me willingly.

  The tension between my legs intensified and I dug my heels into the backs of Adam’s thighs, forcing my knees apart so I could take him deeper. When a muffled moan escaped my lips, Adam read all my signals, knew I was getting ready to combust from the inside out. Before hoisting himself up on his palms again, he sucked at my bottom lip, letting his teeth drag against it as he let go. At first my hands were at his shoulders, then his forearms, then his back again. I couldn’t figure out where I wanted to touch him. Everywhere. At the same time.

  One hard thrust followed by another, and then another, was my undoing. I got so wet that the sound filled the air. At the feel of it, Adam’s eyes closed tight and his lips parted just far enough to let a breath escape them. My clit swelled into a tight bud as his length continued to graze it with each movement. The oncoming orgasm was an intense one and I breathed heavier in anticipation of it. Adam quickened his pace and I clamped my lip between my teeth, wanting to hold in the scream aching at the back of my throat. The walls in this building were thin as hell.

  “Let it out,” Adam beckoned breathlessly, noticing that I fought it.

  When I didn’t answer, trying to keep it in, he drove his hips faster, harder. I whined into his shoulder as the impact set my whole body on fire. I grabbed at his arms again, finally deciding to hold on to them instead of his back. A tightening in my stomach spread south, sending my sex into convulsions that I was sure Adam could feel from inside. The scream that threatened to burst from my lips. I found myself not caring who heard. Let them all hear.

  Adam bowed his head when I gripped the back of it, taking his lips again as the end of my orgasm signaled his to begin. With his mouth clasped firmly against mine, Adam’s release was close, the rotation in his hips sending him deeper, his length hardening even more. A deep, throaty grunt followed by stifled moans hit the air as he came, running his tongue over mine to a rhythm that matched that of his hips.

  Our bodies moved together for several seconds after, just because neither of us was ready for the moment to pass. I finally released Adam’s lips and was taken into his arms when he rolled onto his side. He kept me close, nestled against his chest while I listened to his breaths slow and his heart began to beat at a normal pace again. There in his arms, I tried to recall the last time I’d felt so safe. The answer that came was ‘never’. Not once in my life had I ever felt like nothing in the world, real or imagined, could hurt me. Not until now.

  A single kiss was placed in the middle of my forehead, and I inhaled a satisfied breath when Adam drew me against his body completely—chest-to-chest, legs intertwined. The warmth enveloping us beneath the covers made it impossible to keep my eyes open, so it wasn’t long before I briefly succumbed to sleep. Adam dozed too, but half an hour later when I stirred beside him, our eyes locked and he stared at me through a drowsy gaze. Lying there, I tried to remind myself why I couldn’t just stay with him all night, in his arms, just like this. Gabby and Rissa were the first thoughts that flashed into my head. They were downstairs waiting and I wouldn’t leave them alone all night.

  “I have to get back down to the girls,” I said just above a whisper, trying not to let those blue eyes of his pull me in, talk me into staying without him even having to ask.

  All traces of contentment slipped away from Adam’s expression. It warmed my heart when I realized he must’ve been just as unhappy with me having to leave as I was. When I brought my hand to his
cheek, he leaned into it.

  “I know,” he exhaled, trailing a finger along the contour of my bare shoulder.

  We exchanged a kiss before I spoke again. “You should come down and stay with me. With us.”

  The boyish smile I’d grown to love graced his lips when he nodded. “I like that idea.”

  And so did I.

  After getting dressed, we walked down to my apartment and found Gabby knocked out on the couch, holding a sleeping, drooling, Rissa. They both looked so sweet and innocent when they weren’t awake and getting into trouble. I’d all but forgotten about Gabby’s run-in with the law which would have to be addressed in the morning, although not as harshly as I’d approached the situation before. Adam brought up several good points I hadn’t thought of initially. My first reaction came amidst a cloud of panic as I imagined all the terrible things that could’ve happened if it hadn’t been the police who’d picked her up in the middle of the night, but someone else. Then talk of her having drugs on her and being at a party like that… I couldn’t even think about where all of that could have led.

  Adam set the covers on the couch that we’d brought down from his apartment and then offered to lay Rissa down in her crib. I thanked him and watched as she secured her arms around his neck like it was the most natural thing ever as he walked her down the hallway. Gabby, clearly worn out, barely even moved when he took the baby from her arms. Instead of disturbing her to pull out the sofa bed, I lifted her feet up onto the couch and covered her with one of the blankets. After turning the television off, I went to stand in Rissa’s doorway where I found Adam rubbing her back to sooth her into a deeper sleep. He really had a way with kids. Not just Rissa, Gabby too.

  He heard me walking up behind him and turned just as I touched his arm. “I can’t get over how much she loves you,” I said, thinking of how fickle she usually was with new people.

  He smiled at that, glancing back down toward Rissa’s crib. “Yeah. She’s got me wrapped around her little finger.” And she totally did. Adam wasn’t Rissa’s father, and I’d never try to replace Javi in her life, but it made me feel better knowing she had Adam, too. He was good for both of us.

  Once the girls were settled, Adam and I retreated to my bedroom. I slipped out of my street clothes and into a t-shirt and shorts. Per my request, Adam removed his shirt so that I could lie on his bare chest again, running my hand across it while I waited for sleep. My fingers grazed the cool, metallic surface of a cross hanging around his neck, stealing my attention. I picked it up and examined the charm closer. “This is nice. Where’d you get it?”

  Adam’s body went rigid—just a little, but enough for me to notice. “It just belonged to someone I know,” was all the explanation that was given. When he didn’t elaborate, I decided not to press. My first thought was that it belonged to his father—a topic that we hadn’t yet discussed in great detail, and there was probably good reason for that. I rested on Adam’s chest again and he seemed relieved that I didn’t ask more questions. He stroked his thumb over my shoulder while we held each other. Soon, we were right back inside our bubble of solitude and I felt my lids getting heavy again.

  Adam couldn’t have had a clue how content I was having him stay the night. Honestly, I was a little nervous to ask, but not because I thought he’d say no. It was actually because I was almost positive he’d say yes. I’d grown accustomed to sleeping alone and doing everything for myself, but he came in and changed all that, showed me I could lean on him, too. I didn’t necessarily like how hard I’d become in order to survive, but I’d accepted it. For years I’ve been told I should be more open to receiving help, or that I should smile more, or that I should let people in, but I chose to close myself off because there was less of a chance that I’d get hurt. Doing things for myself, sleeping alone, taking care of the girls and me was all within my comfort zone now. Relinquishing some of that responsibility to another person, a man, was not. However, I couldn’t deny how easy it’d become letting Adam step in. Maybe because I was tired of doing it all alone at only twenty-four years old, or maybe it was just because this all felt so right.

  I moved into Adam’s side even closer and the visual of him tucking Rissa into bed while I did the same for Gabby was the image I fell asleep with.

  When I came to the next morning, I was painfully aware of the fact that Adam was missing from my bed. It was the sound of Gabby’s light knocks at my bedroom door as she poked her head inside that startled me into an upright position, struggling to get my bearings straight.

  She rubbed her sleepy eyes. “Someone’s at the door, Aubrey,” she said with a yawn. Instantly, my gaze shifted to Adam’s empty space in my bed again, wondering where he’d gone.

  I stretched and then made my way to the door to answer. Confusion crossed my face at the sight of Adam standing on the other side of the threshold with a box of donuts and two coffees in his hands. Staring at him grinning from ear to ear, I did the same—only my smile was far less energetic seeing as how I’d just gotten out of bed.

  “What are you doing?” I asked, my voice sounding scratchy and strained.

  He held the box out toward me and replied, “I got breakfast.” I took them from his hands as he entered and leaned in just a little to whisper something as he passed. When he did, I noted that he smelled like soap and toothpaste, which meant he’d gone to his apartment to freshen up first. “Uh… we hadn’t really discussed how you felt about Gabby knowing that I spent the night, so I slipped out while she was still asleep.” My smile grew as his plan to play off the fact that he’d slept here became clear. He figured out a way to keep things discrete without forfeiting the chance to spend the morning with the girls and me.

  Gabby made her way into the kitchen the second I set the box down on the counter. She was quieter than usual, which I figured had something to do with the fact that she wasn’t sure if she was in trouble or not. “Are there any chocolate-frosted ones?” she asked softly, wearing a look on her face that left me with the impression that if retreating to her mother’s apartment wouldn’t potentially end badly, she would’ve escaped there. The idea of her thinking that I was mad at her didn’t sit well with me. Was what she did dangerous? Absolutely, but Adam was right; there was probably a lot more to the story than that. She’d barely lifted the corner of the donut box to look inside when I trapped her in a tight hug. From the corner of my eye, I could see Adam watching us.

  “Gabby, I’m not mad, so you don’t have to tiptoe around me.” I made sure she was listening before I went on. “If anything, I’m worried about you.” She stared and it broke my heart that I couldn’t be there twenty-four/seven to protect her from any and everything. “But I need you to talk to me. Now. Later. Whenever. But it needs to happen. I want you to tell me what’s going on. What happened last night wasn’t like you.”

  I finished speaking and waited for her to respond. Twice her lips parted, but then closed again before she said what it was that she wanted to say. I literally saw her quench the truth, opting instead to feed me a generic line that would conceal her secrets as if I was a stranger. As if I couldn’t be trusted.

  “Everything’s fine, Aubrey. I just messed up. Last night was on me.”

  I stared. She stared. Both of us knew she wasn’t telling me the whole truth.

  Releasing her completely from the embrace, I nodded and turned my back, masking the hurt of her lying right to my face by going to the fridge to get out the orange juice and milk. I was reaching for glasses in the cabinet when Rissa started whining to get out of her crib and my phone started ringing at the same time.

  “I’ll get the baby. You can get the phone,” Adam offered.

  I nodded, forcing a smile when I passed by Gabby on my way out of the kitchen, noting that she barely even made eye contact. We’d have words again later to address her behavior, because I refused to leave things the way they were. As if my heart wasn’t already heavy enough, it sank even further when I read Javi’s name flashing across t
he caller ID. While it would’ve been easy to ignore his call and address the conversation that needed to be had on another day, prolonging the inevitable wouldn’t change the fact that, after all the years we had invested, we’d reached the end of the road.

  I got the feeling he knew where my head was when I answered. Immediately, he went into explaining and making excuses for why he’d gotten the credit card in my name—the source of our argument the night before.

  “Aubrey… baby, I know you’re upset, but I did what I did for a reason.”

  I lifted my eyes to the ceiling as I suppressed a sigh. “You did what you did because you’re selfish, Javi.” I didn’t bother lowering my voice. Adam could hear the whole conversation. I didn’t have anything to hide from him. “And ask me how I know your still the exact same today as you were when you left.” He was silent on the other end like I expected him to be. “Because you didn’t even have the decency to tell me what you’d done. You thought you’d get away with it, so why bother, right? Never mind the fact that not saying anything has ruined my credit. Never mind the fact that not saying anything is virtually the same as lying to me. All you care about is the same thing you’ve always cared about, Javi. Yourself.”

  “You don’t believe that. Everything I do has been for you and—”