Animal Tales

by Terry Jones

  Just then a Turbot rose to speak. “Ahem!” he said. “I may be just a flat-fish, but… Have I just said that I’m a flat-fish or am I about to say it?”

  “You just said it,” said the other fish.

  “Thank you,” said the Turbot. “I get rather confused – it’s having my eyes all on one side I think. Good morning.”

  “What were you going to say?” asked the Whale.

  “Say?” said the Turbot. “I don’t think I was going to ‘say’ anything.”

  “Then sit down!” roared the sea-lions.

  “Except I should like to say: We need someone to warn Mankind that their insatiable greed is destroying all the life in the sea.”

  At this there was a general murmur of agreement from all the fish and shellfish and other creatures of the sea, whereupon the Turbot held up his flipper.

  “Did I just say something?”

  “Yes!” shouted all the other fish.

  “Hello!” said the Turbot. “Buckingham Palace?”

  “What we need,” said the Whale, “is a fish that Men have respect for – a fish that can get Mankind to see sense. What about you dolphins – you get on well with Men?”

  But the dolphins shook their heads. “For years we’ve been trying to warn Mankind about what they are doing to the sea, but they just think we want to play games and they keep throwing us balls and getting us to jump through hoops – which is, admittedly, fun.”

  “How about you sharks, then?” said the Whale.

  “’Fraid not,” said the sharks. “Humans panic as soon as we get near enough to reason to them. We’d never get them to see sense.”

  “It seems to me,” said the Whale, “that we need the oldest and wisest creature in the ocean.”

  “The anchovies are pretty old,” said a sea bream.

  “Yes! We may not be very big but we can live as long as seven years!” exclaimed all the anchovies together. “Aren’t we clever?”

  “Cleverness has nothing to do with it,” returned the Whale. “Besides men can live to 70 or 80 years. They’re not going to be impressed by a clever seven year-old. What about the eels?”

  “I’ve got an aunt who’s 27,” replied a conger eel.

  “Still not long enough,” said the Whale, shaking its great head. “What about you seals?”

  “I’m 50!” replied one venerable seal.

  “I’m 54!” said an even more venerable one.

  “What about you, Whale?” said another seal. “Aren’t you getting on for 100?”

  “Yes! And men give you a lot of respect!” chorused the other fish.

  The Whale sighed. “Oh Men talk and talk about how they respect us whales, but they still hunt and kill us. No! I’m scared of humans and I won’t go near them.”

  Then the Learned Turtle spoke.

  “I believe,” it said, “there is a jellyfish that lives forever. His name is Turri Topsis. My Great Great Grandfather, who was also a Learned Turtle, told me that Old Turri Topsis was older than himself and older than anything else in the sea. “Yes sir!” he used to say to us young turtles, “Old Turri Topsis is immortal.” We thought he was joking, but he wasn’t.”

  “If there is any creature of the sea that will be able to impress Mankind,” exclaimed the Whale, “it will certainly be a creature that has mastered the art of eternal life. Where can we find this jellyfish?”

  “Follow me,” said the Learned Turtle.

  The Whale and the herrings, the cod and the haddock and all the other creatures of the sea followed the Learned Turtle until they came to a colony of jellyfish, that were drifting about off the coast of Ireland.

  The Whale came straight to the point.

  “Which one of you is the oldest?” he asked. The jellyfish all nodded at the largest of them.

  “Is it true that you are millions of years old?” asked the Whale. And the large jellyfish nodded.

  “In fact, not to beat about the bush,” continued the Whale, “is it true that you are immortal?”

  There was a deathly silence. Every creature held its breath and stared at the Ancient Jellyfish: its transparent umbrella pulsed slightly and its tentacles waved as if searching for the answer, and then – just as a wave swept across the surface of the sea – it nodded gravely. Yes. It was!

  The fish and the other sea creatures all thrashed their tails or span around and did somersaults in the water. Until the Whale called them all to order.

  Then the Whale addressed the Immortal Jellyfish once more and told it how they wanted it to go and reason with Mankind.

  “The whole future of the ocean and of every creature in the sea rests in your tentacles,” said the Whale. “Will you take on this grave responsibility?”

  Once again there was a silence, and not a creature in the sea dared to breathe. The Immortal Jellyfish seemed to be considering for a long, long time, but finally it nodded.

  The Whale and the herring, the cod and the haddock and all the other creatures of the sea heaved a sigh of relief.

  “Thank you,” said the Whale. “We shall await your return and may the Spirit of the Ocean bring you success, and enable you to persuade Mankind to reform his ways.”

  Then he turned to the other sea creatures and announced in his booming voice: “We shall leave this matter in the tentacles of our venerable brother the Immortal Jellyfish. We shall all meet again, when he returns from his mission.”

  Then he turned once more to the Immortal Jellyfish and said: “Good luck, O Wonderous Jellyfish!”

  The Immortal Jellyfish nodded sagely and all the creatures of the sea swam off their different ways, and the other jellyfish nodded after them and waved their tentacles.

  But the Whale never re-called the meeting, and the herrings and the cod and the haddock never met again. In fact, they are still waiting for the Immortal Jellyfish to report back. For I’m afraid I have to tell you that the Immortal Jellyfish never managed to persuade human beings that they should not destroy the ocean bed. In fact the Immortal Jellyfish didn’t even try to make contact with Mankind. In fact it never even set out on its mission! Indeed, to tell you the truth, although it was such an ancient jellyfish and although it had lived in the ocean for possibly millions of years, it didn’t really understand what it had been asked to do. In fact, it didn’t really understand a word that had been said to it.

  Do you remember that I said that there are two extraordinary, unbelievably mind-boggling facts about jellyfish? Well, the first is that there is one kind of jellyfish that is immortal, but the second extraordinary, unbelievably mind-boggling fact is that no jellyfish has a brain. So it doesn’t matter if they do live forever – they never get any wiser.

  1. The jellyfish known as Turritopis nutricula starts out in life as a tiny jellyfish called a polyp. The polyp grows up into an adult jellyfish which mates and spawns like any other jellyfish. But then it gradually changes into a polyp. Once it reaches polyp stage it commences the cycle all over again. Hence scientists think that this particluar species of jellyfish may be immortal.

  2. According to recent research, breaking wind is how herrings communicate amongst themselves. If you don’t believe me, look up ‘Herring farts’ on the internet.

  WONDERS OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM

  THE SOUTH AFRICAN TALKING TOAD

  The only amphibian that can be trained to say simple words and phrases. Unfortunately these toads speak English with such a thick Afrikaans accent that it is impossible to understand them. However this is probably as well because, being toads, they are extremely rude creatures. They love shouting insults at passing vicars, jeering at Her Majesty the Queen, and talking endlessly about bottoms.

  THE RULE OF THE LION

  A LONG, LONG TIME AGO, King of the Jungle summoned the Lord High Wildebeest and the Prince of the Striped Gazelles to appear before him.

  The Lord High Wildebeest visited the Prince of the Striped Gazelles and said: “Prince! What do you think? Should we go and appear before the King of the
Jungle as he has commanded?”

  “Of course!” replied the Prince of the Striped Gazelles.

  “But you know that Lion likes nothing better than a fat wildebeest like me or a striped gazelle like you for supper.”

  “But Lion is an honourable beast,” replied the Prince of the Striped Gazelles. “He would not try to trick us.”

  “Perhaps you are right,” said the Lord High Wildebeest.

  And so the Lord High Wildebeest and the Prince of the Striped Gazelles made the journey across the hot plains to the canyon where the King of the Jungle lived.

  “You are welcome!” said Lion. “I have called you both before me because I have some important news for you.

  “I wish to create a world in which we all live together in peace. So I propose to make it a law that, in future, instead of hunting you down and killing you for our supper, we lions will help protect all you wildebeest and striped gazelles against your enemies. We will seek out the best grass for you, and we will escort you there to stop the leopards and the spotted hyenas from attacking you.

  “All I ask in return is that you wildebeest and striped gazelles make a solemn promise never to attack us lions in future.

  “So go and gather your families and friends and relations and bring them here to the safety of this canyon, and I will post two lions to guard each entrance to guarantee your safety.”

  When the lion had finished speaking, there was a silence. Then the Prince of the Striped Gazelles spoke up.

  “Your Majesty,” he said. “You have always been regarded as the most honourable and just of animals. We striped gazelles thank you with all our stripes.”

  Then he bowed low to the King of the Jungle. And so did the Lord High Wildebeest. After which, the Lord High Wildebeest and the Prince of the Striped Gazelles took their leave of the King of the Jungle and went back to join their families and friends and relations. But on the way, the Lord High Wildebeest stopped the Prince of the Striped Gazelles in a secret place where no lions could hear them, and said:

  “Prince, my heart is full of misgivings. How can we be sure we can trust Lion?”

  “Of all animals Lion is the most honourable,” replied the Prince of the Striped Gazelles. “He is so strong and powerful he does not have to rely on tricks to catch his supper.”

  “But supposing this particular lion has become old and lazy and doesn’t want to chase around to catch his supper?” said the Lord High Wildebeest.

  “You heard what the King of the Jungle said!” exclaimed the Prince of the Striped Gazelles. “He will make it law that no lion may attack us. Instead the lions will protect us. He is going to put two lions on guard at each end of the canyon to keep our enemies out.”

  “But tell me this,” said the Lord High Wildebeest, “what is there in this arrangement that benefits the lion?”

  “Well,” replied the Prince of the Striped Gazelles, “his law forbids wildebeest and striped gazelles from attacking lions.”

  “But never in the history of the world,” pointed out the Lord High Wildebeest, “has a wildebeest or a striped gazelle attacked a lion,”

  “But just imagine!” cried the Prince of the Striped Gazelles, “We will never have to trek across the hot plain in search of the best grass again – it will all be found for us! We shall be able to live and feed without fear and without forever watching the horizon for danger! Can you imagine anything more wonderful?”

  “Hmmm,” muttered the Lord High Wildebeest.

  “I shall call together all the herds of striped gazelles from over the hot plains and bring them here where they will be safe,” said the Prince of the Striped Gazelles.

  And with that the Prince of the Striped Gazelles galloped across the hot plains and sought out all the herds of striped gazelles, and led every single one of them back to Lion’s Canyon.

  But the Lord High Wildebeest returned to his herd on the hot plain and said not a word. Which is why to this day, the wildebeest still live in fear of lions and other predators, as they roam across the hot plains seeking the good grass.

  And it is also why not a single striped gazelle exists today.

  THE TOAD ROAD

  A MAN ONCE CAME TO SETTLE IN A BEAUTIFUL VALLEY. He decided to build his house near a pleasant pond where lilies grew in abundance and where herons came to fish for their supper.

  “Adam,” said his neighbour, who ran a small café nearby. “You better not build your house there,

  “Why ever not?” said Adam. “I can build my house where I like.”

  “But you’ll be building your house right across the Toad Road,” replied the man who ran the café.

  “What do you mean?” asked Adam.

  “Well,” said his neighbour, “every year toads come in their hundreds to return to the pond where they were born. They come to spawn, and they always take the same road. So don’t build your house there.”

  “I shall do as I like,” said Adam. “The toads can walk around my house,”

  And so Adam built his house across the Toad Road.

  That spring, when all the toads came tramping from miles away to return to the pond where they were born, they found Adam’s house blocking their way. Now you might have thought, as Adam thought, that the toads would simply go round the house, but that isn’t what toads do. The toads simply wouldn’t change their route for anybody or for anything. So they found ways through Adam’s house, under the floorboards and across the kitchen and down the hallway and under the front door.

  “Adam!” screamed his wife. “There’s thousands of toads tramping through our house! I’m not going to stay here!”

  “I’ll put a stop to them,” replied Adam. And he set to work to make it impossible for the toads to come through the house on their way back after the spawning season.

  But it didn’t work. When the toads came back from spawning and found they couldn’t get in under the front door or up through the floorboards, they simply climbed the walls of the house and tramped across the roof and down the other side.

  “Arrgggh!” screamed Adam’s wife. “There are millions of toads climbing all over our house! I’m not staying here a moment longer!” And she ran out of the house and slammed the door.

  “I’m not letting a few toads turn me out of house and home!” exclaimed Adam.

  And all that summer he made traps and snares to catch the toads. And when they returned the next spring, Adam caught them in his traps and snares and put them all into sacks which he threw in the back of his car and then drove for 300 miles. When he thought he was far enough away from home, he stopped the car, took out the sacks and released the toads. For he was not a cruel man. He just thought he could do as he liked.

  Then he drove the 300 miles back to his home in the beautiful valley, feeling certain he’d seen the last of those toads.

  But the toads weren’t going to let a few hundred miles stop them getting to the place where they wanted to spawn, and so straight away, without waiting for the spawning season, they started to make their way south. All that summer there were reports of an army of toads marching through the countryside, and naturalists from all over the world came to see them.

  Eventually the television news started to film their progress southwards, and all the time everyone was trying to guess where they were heading.

  “Toads often make long journeys to return to the place of their origin,” said a TV reporter. “But nothing like this has been seen before: these toads are moving at the wrong time of year and travelling too far. and still the big question is: where are they heading?”

  Well, the toads took their time, crawling at a leisurely pace, as toads do, and all through the summer, viewers turned on the TV to follow their progress.

  One or two of the toads became quite famous. There was one they nick-named ‘Winston’. He was the biggest of the toads and appeared to be some sort of leader. Then there was ‘Chalky’ who had a white splodge in the middle of his back, and who always seemed to be getting left
behind, but who always managed to catch up somehow or other. Then there was a young female toad, whom the reporters nick-named ‘Doris’ who was always stopping in the middle of the road and causing traffic to swerve to avoid her.

  Eventually, of course, the toads arrived at the house of Adam. And so did the television crews.

  The toads were tired and footsore, and they were late for their spawning, but they were determined to get to their pond, and – what’s more – they were determined to take the Toad Road that led through Adam’s house.

  Adam was equally determined to stop them. He too had been following the News reports of the toads’ progress, and when they arrived outside his house he was ready for them. He had laid out his traps and snares and done everything to make sure the toads would not get through, and this time, he was determined, was going to be the last time the toads would ever get the chance to try.

  And so it was that millions of television viewers watched aghast as these famous toads – the Heroes of The Long March – were trapped and ensnared by a grumpy-looking man with a sack and a shovel.

  Millions of television viewers watched in sheer disbelief, as the grumpy-looking man picked up the Celebrated Leader of the Heroes of the Long March – Winston the Toad himself – and, instead of presenting him with a medal or shaking his foreleg, the grumpy-looking man threw the Great Leader into his sack.

  “Stop that!” cried a Naturalist. “Put that Bufo terrestris down this instant!”

  “What the devil are you talking about?” growled Adam, who thought it was bad enough having toads turning up unannounced on his doorstep – let alone television crews.

  “That toad in your hand, sir!” exclaimed the Naturalist. “Please put it down before you do it some harm!”

  “It’s going in the sack with the rest of ‘em!” said Adam, and he threw toad into the sack.

  “Wasn’t that Doris?” exclaimed a Lady News Reporter who had just joined the Naturalist.