by Noelle Adams
“You know she is.”
“Coming home tomorrow.”
Phil frowned, still standing beside his bike. “Yes.”
“You don’t sound happy about that.”
“If you have something to say, just say it.”
“I’m saying what I want to say. You know me. I only ever touch the edges.”
It was true. Sometimes it was amusing, but right now it was obnoxious. “Then why are you even asking about it?”
“Because you’ve sounded different the past couple of times we’ve talked. Ever since she got there. I was... checking in.”
“I don’t need you to check in with me.”
“Who else do you have?”
No one. He had no one else. He had his brothers, and he loved them, but they hadn’t been close for a while, and they never tried to pry into his business.
And he had Rebecca—for the past two weeks anyway.
“Phil,” Russ prompted.
“I’m fine.”
“You don’t sound fine. And if your problem is that Rebecca is leaving, then there’s something pretty obvious you can do about it.”
“There’s nothing I can do.”
“You can come home for a visit next month. See if the spark is still there. How hard would that be?”
“I’m not coming home.”
“Phil—”
“Don’t. I mean it. I’m not coming home.”
Russ was silent for a minute, evidently responding to Phil’s sharp tone. “Your dad is dead, Phil. Five years dead. Rebecca’s dad is dead too. Why not put the thing to rest for good?”
“It’s more than that.”
“If it’s more than that, then tell me what the hell it is. I promise I can find a way around whatever it is. If you love the girl—”
“It’s not love.” Phil was shaking. He was standing near the shop in the middle of the day, and he was shaking from emotion.
“Whatever you want to call it. If you want to see if there’s any future, then you’re going to have to resolve the whole mess we’ve been living with for too long.”
“There is no future. Both she and I know it. She’s leaving tomorrow, and that’s it.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“Maybe.”
“No maybe about it.” Russ cleared his throat. “All right. You’re going to have to do whatever it is you’re going to do. Just know if you change your mind, you’ll be welcome. I’ll be glad to see you. That’s not your home up there. This is still your home.”
Even that made Phil emotional. He had to take a ragged breath. “Bye, Russ.”
“Bye. I hope I didn’t make everything worse by telling Laura where you were.”
His uncle hung up then, and Phil stood in place, staring down at his phone for a long time. Then he remembered that Rebecca was waiting.
He had less than twenty hours left with her.
He was finally able to move.
He stopped by a shop down the block to buy a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine for tonight, and then he wasted no more time in heading to her house.
When he gave her the flowers, her cheeks turned pink and she dropped her eyes.
He felt kind of like a fool. A sappy fool. It wasn’t really like him.
But there was no way he could feel any other way at the moment.
She’d made a really good steak sandwich out of leftovers from the past two days, and they ate it at the kitchen bar.
They watched another movie in the afternoon, cuddled together on the couch, and then they swam in the afternoon, had sex afterward, then rested until dinner. Rebecca made shrimp and pasta, and it was delicious.
They walked on the beach as the sun was setting, and Phil didn’t even mind that Rebecca reached over to take his hand.
He was almost sick thinking about the morning coming, about Rebecca walking away from him for good.
But his conversation with Russ had only clarified it in his mind.
There was nothing else he could do.
He’d feel like shit until she was gone, but then maybe things would go back to normal for him. He’d wade back into the shallows. He’d fall into his old routines.
He’d be safe again.
No hope. No trust. No love.
But also no crushing disappointment when people let you down.
When they got back to the house, they took a shower together and then started kissing as they dried off. Then they were making love, silent and urgent and like they were desperately clinging to something that was slipping out of their grasp.
He pulled the covers up over them afterward, and Rebecca eventually fell asleep at his side.
Phil didn’t sleep though.
If this was the last night, he wasn’t going to miss any of it.
He stayed awake, holding her all night.
HE FELT SICKER THAN ever the next morning when the alarm on his phone went off at seven.
Laura was arriving at eight to pick Rebecca up. She would have had to get up at the crack of dawn to make it here so early, but knowing Laura, she wouldn’t be late.
Phil was planning to be gone when she got here, which meant he had to get up now.
He pulled on his clothes without bothering with a shower, and he helped Rebecca get all her stuff together and empty the refrigerator and the trash.
They’d hardly said anything at all this morning, and Phil’s stomach was churning as he came back in from the trash cans on the side of the house.
Rebecca was waiting for him, near her luggage. Her eyes were wide, but there were shadows under her eyes. She looked like she might start crying if pushed even a little.
Phil cleared his throat. “Okay. I better take off.”
“Okay.” She was still gazing up at him with those big blue eyes, and Phil wasn’t sure he could handle it. He reached out to touch her but dropped his hands abruptly.
“I know,” she said, her voice breaking slightly. “It’s terrible. Let’s just say bye and get it over with.”
He nodded, swallowing hard. “Goodbye, Rebecca.”
“Goodbye.” A tear did slip out then, and she quickly swiped it away. “I had... the best time.”
“Me too.”
“I’m sorry... I’m sorry this is all it can be. We can be.” It seemed to take courage for her to say that because she couldn’t meet his eyes. “But I understand.”
He opened his mouth to reply but couldn’t get out any words. Instead, he leaned forward and kissed her very softly.
She clenched her hands in his shirt and kissed him back.
When his body started to respond, he forced himself to step back.
“Okay,” she said, rubbing her mouth as if she were still feeling him there. “Goodbye, Phil.”
“Goodbye.”
He turned away from her.
The churning in his gut became a force, an uncontrollable power. One making him stop, turn around, open his mouth again.
He’d never meant to say it, but he heard the words coming out of his mouth anyway. “You could stay here. Longer. If you wanted. You could stay here with me.”
Eleven
REBECCA HAD BEEN STEELING herself for goodbye, so she wasn’t prepared for Phil’s abrupt, stilted declaration.
She stared up at him, trying to make her mind work, trying to figure out if he’d just said what she thought he’d said.
Phil ducked his head, shifting from leg to leg before he met her eyes again. “If you want,” he added.
“Stay here?”
He nodded, his hair falling over his forehead. He caught her gaze again, looking self-conscious, earnest, just a little hopeful.
“But... but... I have to give up the house. They only rented it for two weeks.”
“I don’t mean in this house.”
“But... I don’t understand.”
She didn’t. She didn’t understand anything, but her heart was starting to burst open, coming alive with a hope she hadn’t let herself believe in
before.
Phil inhaled deeply and then blew it out. “It was just an idea. If you don’t want to... say goodbye yet.”
“You want me to stay here?”
“Yes.”
“And what?” Her heart was hammering almost painfully, but in a good way.
Maybe this was really happening. What she’d secretly dreamed of ever since Phil had walked out on her seven years ago.
Maybe they could be knit back together.
Maybe the world and all its problems weren’t strong enough to tear them apart for good.
His eyebrows lowered, drawing together in a way that made little lines on his forehead. “Stay here and... and see what happens.”
See what happens.
See. What. Happens.
All he wanted was to see what happened between them.
He didn’t want to make anything happen.
It felt like it had when she was eighteen and had spent all day planning a nice dinner for them one evening since things had been so hard with their families. She’d wanted to try to make things better for Phil, for both of them.
And he’d eaten the food she’d prepared and then abruptly announced that he was leaving town that weekend and never coming back.
She’d been so upset. Crushed. And angrier than she could ever remember being. She’d wanted to fix things, and he’d just run away.
It wasn’t like that now, but it felt the same to her. Just as crushing. Just as infuriating. He wanted her to stay here—to give up everything good in her life when he was willing to give up nothing—and just see what happened.
Something rose inside her as she stood there in front of him next to her luggage. Something hot and powerful and years old. The wave of indignation and pain shuddered through her, flushing her cheeks, burning her eyes. “You want me to stay here and do what exactly?”
Phil blinked, clearly surprised by her tone.
When he didn’t answer, she went on, “Hang out on the fishing pier with you forever?”
“No. Not forever. For a while. Just to...”
“To see what happens.”
“Yes. What’s wrong with that?” He could obviously see she was upset but had no idea why, and that just made her angrier.
He had no idea what he was doing right now. He wasn’t thinking about her.
“I have family at home. I have work to do. Do you really think that means nothing to me?”
“No. But I thought...” His expression was changing, transforming from confusion to a much harder feeling. Bitterness—like she’d seen on his face when she first saw him on the pier. “It was a suggestion. You seemed not to want to leave. I wasn’t saying you had to stay.”
“I know you weren’t saying I had to stay. But you were acting like it was a reasonable request. Why am I the one who has to make all the sacrifices?”
“Sacri—” His face tightened with anger. “If being with me is a sacrifice, then of course I don’t want you to do it.”
“Oh stop acting put-upon. You’ve got to see what you’re doing. I know you were hurt. I know it. My family did everything we could think of to make up for what our dad did. We offered you a partnership in our family business, and you threw it back into our face. My dad screwed your family. I know he did. And I know that made it worse for you at home—the way your dad responded, the way he took it out on you and your brothers. But my dad did it. I didn’t do it. I shouldn’t have to give up everything that means something to me for the slightest chance of spending more time with you.”
“I’m not asking you to—”
“Yes, you are! Maybe you don’t realize you’re doing it, but that’s exactly what’s happening. You won’t even consider making a few steps yourself—coming back home and trying to resolve all the painful stuff. You want to stay here in the shallows where there’s no chance of getting hurt. Where you’ll never have to really open up, never have to really trust someone, never have to feel betrayed again. And all you can offer me is to ‘see what happens.’ Not even something real.”
“Rebecca—”
“No!” She was so angry now she was on fire with it. “No. I’m not a doormat, Phil. Maybe I’m good at taking care of other people, but I’ve got to take care of myself too. And this isn’t doing that. I’m not going to make all the sacrifices. I’m not going to do all the hard stuff, when you’re not willing to do anything yourself. It’s just like it was before.”
“What do you mean it’s like before?” he demanded with a scowl. “I wanted you to come with me before, and you said no. I wasn’t the one who ended things before.”
“Because you wanted me to leave my whole family! Just cut them out of my life. You think that was something I could do? You think that’s a reasonable thing to ask anyone as some sort of requirement for a relationship? And then you acted like I didn’t love you enough because I didn’t want to do it—just move away and never look back. When you were the one who didn’t love me. You were only thinking about yourself. You were expecting me to make all the sacrifices. I couldn’t do it back then, and I’m not going to do it now. If you can’t offer me something real, if you can’t love me for real, then I’m not going to take whatever shallow counterfeit you think is safe.”
She was hurting him. She could see it in his expression, in his posture. His stumbling suggestion earlier might have been intrinsically selfish, but it had also been sincere.
He wanted her to stay. He wanted to be with her the way they’d been together for the past two weeks.
And she was throwing it back in his face, the way he’d thrown their offer of partnership in Holiday Acres.
She knew how that felt. It was terrible.
But even the stab in her chest at the realization couldn’t hold her back. “I’m sorry, Phil. I had a good time with you, and I’m sorry to end it like this. But I’m not going to accept what you’re offering me since you’re not offering me anything real. You still don’t really trust me to work through everything with you. If you can’t make a real effort and face the stuff you’re been hiding from all this time, then it’s never going to be an equal relationship. It’s never going to be even a real one. So it can’t be anything at all.”
He stared at her for several aching seconds, his body shuddering just slightly like he was holding a tidal wave of feeling back.
For a moment she thought he might actually let it go.
She hoped for it. Prayed for it. Felt herself straining toward the possibility.
But he didn’t.
He just walked out the front door.
She heard his bike on the gravel. Then the noise was gone.
Phil was gone.
She burst into tears.
BY THE TIME LAURA ARRIVED fifteen minutes later, Rebecca had mostly pulled herself together.
She didn’t look good. Her eyes were aching, and she wasn’t wearing any makeup to hide the redness of her eyelids or the shadows underneath. But she wasn’t crying anymore, and when she greeted Laura, she sounded cheerful. Normal.
“Oh no,” Laura said, after scanning Rebecca for about three seconds. “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing.” Rebecca forced a smile. “It’s just kind of early in the morning since I’ve been sleeping in a lot. I’m all ready.”
Laura frowned but didn’t pursue the subject, and in a few minutes Rebecca’s stuff was in the car and they were on their way home.
They made a quick stop to drop off the key to the house, and Rebecca was relieved that the activity prevented Laura from launching into an interrogation.
Laura’s freckles and shiny brown hair were comforting, familiar. So was this car. And the knowledge that she was going home.
She’d been stupid. The world’s biggest fool.
But things would be better once she was away from here. When she was back on Holiday Acres.
Where she belonged.
They’d been driving in silence for about ten minutes when Laura turned suddenly to meet her eyes. “I made a mist
ake, didn’t I?”
Rebecca straightened up. “What? What do you mean?”
“With putting you here... where Phil is. I made a mistake. It made things worse for you.”
“It didn’t make things worse.”
“You’re really upset. You think I can’t see that? I wanted... I wanted you to feel better.”
“I know you did. And I do feel better.” Before Laura could object, Rebecca hurried on. “I do. I had an amazing time. I got tons of rest, and I was able to really relax, and I had a wonderful time, and I cooked all kinds of good stuff. I loved it. I did. And it was good to... to resolve things with Phil. It really was. I needed to do it.”
“Then why have you been crying?”
Rebecca swallowed over the ache in her throat. “Because... well, it didn’t end well. But that’s not your fault. It’s not.”
“You wanted things to continue? And he didn’t?”
“No. That’s not it. He did want things to continue.”
“Then what—”
“But it was like before. Exactly like before. He expected me to give up everything. And I won’t. I won’t. It’s just not right. He does really... want to be with me, but he doesn’t love me for real. He doesn’t love me enough.”
A single tear slipped down her cheek as she spoke. She didn’t wipe it away for fear Laura would see.
“Shit.” Laura was staring ahead, where they were approaching the bay bridge-tunnel. “And you love him. Still. Don’t you?”
“Yeah. I guess I do. But I’ll be okay.”
“I’m really sorry, Becs.”
The old nickname made Rebecca shake for just a moment. “I know.”
“He’s an idiot,” Laura muttered in a different tone.
“I know that too.”
A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER, they were turning in at the decorative stone archway leading into Holiday Acres.
Rebecca sat up straighter as they took the long drive through the expansive tree farm and approached the main buildings.
The Christmas shop was the size of a soccer field, and it was spilling over with festive decorations and unique crafts. The barn was beside it, complete with sparkling lights strung over the front and never turned off. And on the far side was the big old farmhouse with the offices and coffee shop on the ground floor and their private residence on the upper levels. Maybe to some people it would feel strange to be surrounded by holiday paraphernalia in the beginning of July but not to Rebecca.