Because if he realized that I had chlamydia I would have to go to Ohio.
Yup, that I was sure of. He would not let me stay here if he knew that. He would not want me living in a pool of disease and grossness. He would want to protect me and love me and keep me safe and clean.
I blinked away tears. I could not cry now. I could not think about this now. I could not, I could not. I opened the door handle and burst into the living room.
“Hi, Dad,” I said.
number ten:
got caught breaking and entering
THE VISIT
My dad and Penny had made themselves comfortable on the couch that twenty minutes earlier had been Brett’s bed, but they sprang up as I walked through the basement door.
“Happy birthday,” my dad said, hugging me to him. “I missed you.” He smelled like Dad. Warm, and musky.
“You too,” I murmured, and let my head rest against his shoulder. And then I thought, don’t get too close. I might be contagious. I pulled back. “Should we go?”
“Actually, we thought we’d wait for Suzanne to get out of the shower. Say hello.”
“I’ve never even met her!” Penny exclaimed, looking around. “Can you believe it?”
The shower. They thought Suzanne’s mom was in the shower. Why did they think that? I listened closely and indeed, the shower was running. What the hell? I gave Vi a look. Whoever had turned on the shower was a dead man. Or woman.
“She’s dying to meet you,” Vi said smoothly. “I hope she gets out soon. She takes ridiculously long showers. Let me go tell her you guys are here.” Vi disappeared down the hallway, closing the door.
I sat down across from them and smiled. “So,” I said. “You have a wedding tonight.”
“Yup,” Penny said. “Tricia’s wedding. Did you ever meet her? An old friend from work.”
“I was going to take the train in tomorrow to see you,” I said.
“I know, but we wanted to surprise you today,” my dad said.
“Right.” I forced a smile. “Who doesn’t like a good surprise?”
Vi reappeared. “My mom locked the door. So sorry. Hopefully she’ll be out soon.” Then she mouthed at me, “Dean. In shower.” She made a throat-slashing motion with her hand.
Fifteen minutes later the water was still running.
“You know what, Dad?” I said. “Why don’t you say hi to Suzanne when you drop me off? I’m sure she’ll be done by then.”
“Yeah,” Vi said, standing up. “That’s a better idea. She uses the shower as a steam and it can take forever. She thinks it makes her lose weight. Ha, ha, ha.”
Weight-loss obsessions. Must run in the family. I squeezed my eyes shut. Couldn’t worry about Vi now. Too many other things to worry about.
TABLE FOR FOUR (DAD, PENNY, ME . . . AND MY STD!)
My father’s and Penny’s mouths were moving, but I was having difficulty processing their words.
Hello. Hello. Chlamydia. Chlamydia. Question number one: How did I get you, chlamydia? From Noah. Obviously. Since he was the only person I’ve slept with. Wrong! The only person I had ever had sex with. These days, I slept with guys all the time. Ha-ha. But I had only had sex with one. He was the only person I had done anything with.
The answer: Noah gave me the chlam. Yes, I was calling it the chlam for short. I was allowed to give my STD a nickname since we knew each other so intimately.
Question number two: How did Noah get it?
The more complicated question, clearly. He couldn’t have gotten it from me, if I got it from him. Which meant, he had to have gotten it from someone else. As far as I knew, I was his first. And he had never done enough with anyone else to give him the chlam. So. There it was. Noah cheated on me. No. I took a sip of coffee. Yes. He had to have. When we’d first started dating, he told me he’d never had sex. Unless he’d lied. He either cheated on me or he lied. As I debated the options, I dribbled coffee down my shirt.
Penny leapt into action, and pulled a wipe from her purse. I wondered if I could use one to wipe my body clean.
“So how’s my birthday girl?” my dad was saying, a big smile on his face.
“You look great,” Penny said. “Your skin is just glowing. Are you using a different soap?”
No, it’s the chlam! It does wonders for the ovaries and the complexion. “Thanks,” I said instead. “Maybe it’s the water at Vi’s?” It was probably the birth control pills, actually.
“How’s school going?” my dad asked.
“Fine.” I pretended my face was Silly Putty and stretched it into a smile. “Everything is fine.” Absolutely friggin’ fine.
“We wanted to talk to you about next year,” my dad said.
“Okay.” Next year? First I had to get through this year.
“We’re very proud of you,” my dad said, beaming.
“You’ve kept your grades up,” Penny said.
“And you’ve been very responsible,” my dad added.
In what world am I responsible? What is he talking about? I haven’t crashed the car? Or burned Vi’s house down? “Thanks,” I said.
“We know Vi is going away to school . . .”
They looked at each other, then my dad turned back to me and said. “We think you’re ready for your own apartment next year.”
“My own apartment?” I repeated in shock.
“Yes,” Penny said. “I was thinking a one-bedroom in town. Something with a doorman. So we know you’re safe. We’d rather you come to Cleveland, but since this is what you want . . . What do you think?”
“Wow,” was all I could say. My own place.
Just me.
That was what I’d wanted.
My own place. At seventeen. That’s what I’d asked for. My own dishes and laundry and bills and TV and oven. I could handle it too. I wouldn’t have been able to back in January, but now I could. But is that what I wanted? To live on my own? My own place so I could have Noah come over whenever? Noah, the lying bastard? What I wanted was to stick Noah’s head in the oven à la Zelda.
I forced a smile and said, “Sounds great.”
CAR TRIP
I called Vi from the backseat of my dad’s car. “Hi!” I chirped into the phone. “How’s it going?”
“They all left. Thank God. It’s just me and Donut. Safe to bring Papa Bear back.”
“What?” I said extra loudly. “Your mom had an appointment?”
Penny spun around to face me and frowned.
“Oh, she does,” Vi said. “An appointment with her pillow most likely. Or a bottle of Merlot. She loves those appointments.”
I made an exaggerated shrug. “That sucks! My parents are dying to say hello!” I looked up at Penny. “Sorry. She’s at . . . the hair salon.”
“Oh really? Which one? I have an appointment too!”
Hmm. “Vi,” I said. “Which salon is your mom at?”
“Um . . . Salon of Mary Poppins?”
“She’s not sure,” I told Penny.
“Wouldn’t it be funny if you ran into her?” my dad asked.
“If you do,” I said, “tell her I say hi.”
WE NEED TO TALK
When my dad dropped me off, I waved from the doorway. When he drove away I closed the front door and went to my car.
That was it. Dad’s visit over. Parental crisis averted. Must now focus on the crisis in my pants.
Vi opened the door and stuck her head out. “Where are you going?”
“Errands,” I told her. I would talk to her about everything. After. First I had to go to the pharmacy. And I had to talk to Noah.
Funny how life messed with you. This morning when my dad called I thought a disaster was about to run me over. And I’d been right—but it hadn’t been the disaster I’d seen coming. That disaster had fizzled. This disaster had blindsided me.
“I’ll be back soon,” I said. I closed the car door and backed out of the driveway. Vi stood in the doorway making a “What’s going on?” mo
tion with her arms.
My prescription was waiting for me at Walgreens. Zithromax. One dose. I wondered if the pharmacist knew what it was for. I didn’t look her in the eye. I also bought a water. I sat in my car in the Walgreens parking lot and took it immediately. There. Do your work, Zithromax! Now what?
I knew what. I had to talk to Noah. I checked the text he’d sent this morning.
Noah: Are you up? I can’t sleep. But I don’t want to call in case you’re still sleeping . . . Sorry about last night. I love you. Happy birthday.
I should call him.
No. I didn’t want to call him. I didn’t want to speak to him.
Because once I spoke to him, he’d have to answer.
I did not want to hear the answer.
Shit. I had to go to his house and talk to him in person.
I put the car in REVERSE, and my phone rang.
“Hey,” Noah said.
“Hey.” I shifted back into PARK. I didn’t know where to start.
“Did you get my text?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“About last night . . . I’m sorry for being a jerk. I guess I just don’t like seeing you with that douche. And about the earring. Did you find it?”
“Huh?”
“The earring?”
The earring. He was talking about the earring. It felt like that had happened ten years ago. “Noah.”
“Yes.”
Where to start? A joke maybe? What do you get if you scramble a Y, C, H, L, M, A . . . “Did you cheat on me?”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“Did you sleep with someone else?” The words were coming out of my mouth but I felt like someone else was saying them.
“Why would you think that?”
Because I had proof. Unfortunate proof. But—
“Did you?” I asked.
“No,” he practically screeched.
He was lying. He had to be lying.
“I swear,” he said. “April, no.”
My head hurt. “I have chlamydia.”
“What?”
“A disease. I have a disease. A sex disease. That I had to have gotten from you.”
No comment.
“Hello? Can you explain?”
Still no comment.
I closed my eyes. It was sunny out. Too sunny. “Noah? Are you still there?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, did you hear what I said? I have it. Which means I got it from you.”
“How do you know that?”
I banged my fist against the steering wheel.
“Did you go to the doctor?” he asked.
“Of course I did! It’s not a home test!”
“When? You never told me you were going to the doctor.”
“I didn’t want—” Wait. “Who cares if I told you? I went.”
“Is it possible it was a mistake?” he asked. “Or maybe you got it from somewhere else.”
My chest felt tight. “Like where? Are you asking me if I cheated?” Now was not the time to mention the Hudson incident, although I’m sure he was thinking about Hudson.
“I don’t know,” he said. “Like a toilet seat or something?”
Now I banged my head against the steering wheel. “I didn’t get it from a toilet seat.”
“What about your hot tub? I knew that thing was a bad idea. It’s gross.”
“It wasn’t from the hot tub. You have to go to the clinic. And get tested.”
“But nothing’s wrong with me. I feel fine.”
“Most people don’t get symptoms.”
“I don’t have an STD,” he said, his voice incredulous.
“Yes, you do!” I yelled, and before I knew it tears were rolling down my cheeks. “If I do, you do. Even if you didn’t give it to me, then I gave it to you so now you have it. We both do.” He was really pissing me off. Why did he have to make me feel like I was in this by myself? I didn’t just magically get it. No matter what, we were in it together. I was not alone in this. It was physically impossible.
“You’re right,” he said. “I’m sorry. Fuck. This whole thing just came out of nowhere.”
“No kidding,” I said, wiping my eyes.
“I’ll call my doctor, okay? And I’ll get checked. But I bet it’s all a mistake. It has to be.”
“So you didn’t cheat on me?” I asked, my voice filling with hope.
“I love you. I wouldn’t do that. I would never do that.”
“But what about Corinne? Did you sleep with her? Maybe she had it.”
“I never slept with Corinne.”
“What about before Corinne? Before me?”
“No! No one. And I never cheated on you with Corinne. You know that. You can’t keep bringing that up.”
“I know, I just . . .” My head was spinning. “I’m confused, okay? And upset.”
“Don’t be. Everything will be okay. I promise.”
Was it possible? If it really wasn’t from him and I was blaming him . . . I wanted to believe him. Maybe it was from Hula. Or a toilet seat. Or maybe the results were wrong.
“Okay,” I said.
Anything was possible.
BACK HOME
“So,” I said, tossing my purse on the floor. “Are we alone?”
Vi was sitting on the couch holding a jar of peanut butter and a spoon. “Yup. Where did you disappear to before?”
I stood in the middle of the room and put my hands on my hips. “Walgreens. I needed antibiotics. For my chlamydia.”
Her jaw dropped. “Holy shit.”
“No kidding. And FYI—burning pee? Not always a urinary tract infection.” As awful as all this was, it felt good to talk about it.
“Oh. My. God. April. I’m so sorry.”
“Me too. Antibiotics taken, though. So hopefully it is gone. Or almost gone.”
“Jesus. I can’t believe it. But how did you get it? Weren’t you using condoms?”
“I . . .” The words didn’t come out.
THE ELEVENTH TIME NOAH AND I HAD SEX
“Uh-oh,” he said. “I think we finished the condoms.”
“We did? All of them?”
He laughed. “Yeah. I forgot to get more.” He was lying on top of me.
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Whoops.”
“Well . . . I am on the pill.”
“Yeah. You sure?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
“I love you,” he said.
“You too.”
GETTING YELLED AT BY VI
“April,” she asked again. “Weren’t you using condoms?”
I didn’t answer.
“Oh God, come on. You slept with him without a condom? Are you an idiot?”
My head hurt. “I don’t know.”
“What were you thinking?”
“That he’s my boyfriend.”
“That’s why I don’t want a boyfriend,” she said angrily. “You can’t trust them. You can’t trust anyone. You have to look out for yourself. You have to respect yourself.”
“I really don’t feel like a lecture right now,” I said. “We used condoms but then they ran out and we just felt so much closer. And I’m on the pill.”
“The pill does not protect against STDs! Or HIV!”
“Stop sounding like a public service announcement!”
“You obviously need to hear it! You got chlamydia from your boyfriend!”
“Probably . . .”
“Wait. What? Did you sleep with someone else? Hudson? Please tell me Hudson didn’t do this.”
I shook my head. “It wasn’t Hudson. Nothing happened with Hudson. And, I haven’t been with anyone else.”
“Then what?” she asked. “You can’t get it from a toilet seat.”
I shrugged. “You don’t know that.”
She snorted. “Yeah, April, I do. Who do you think wrote the STD article for The Issue?”
“Well, mayb
e it’s from Hula.”
She closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. “You did not just say that.”
“It’s possible,” I squeaked.
“No, April, it’s not. Is that what Noah said? That you got it from the hot tub?”
I didn’t answer.
“He’s full of it.”
“He’s not,” I said. “It is a germ-fest in there. We never remember to check the pH levels and—” What the hell was I talking about? Was I really repeating what Noah had said?
She kept shaking her head. “First of all, even if it were a germ-fest, even if you did catch it from the hot tub, which, for the record, is totally impossible, Hula wouldn’t have spontaneously produced chlamydia. You would have gotten it from someone in the hot tub. Are you saying you got it from me? Now I have it too?”
“It was a used hot tub. Maybe it wasn’t cleaned properly.” I knew it sounded moronic but I couldn’t stop myself from saying it.
“You’re being stupid.”
“Don’t tell me I’m being stupid!”
“But you are being stupid. Your boyfriend is lying to you. He slept with someone else, caught something, and gave it to you.”
“No. There has to be another way.”
“I know it’s hard for you to let go of him. He was there for you after your parents got divorced. And when your mom left. But you can’t stay with him because of that. You can’t be afraid to move on. He’s an asshole dragging you down. Clearly you’re attracted to Hudson—”
“This isn’t about Hudson!” I said. Yes, I was attracted to Hudson. But I loved Noah. Didn’t I?
“Stop. You’re lying to yourself. You need to open your eyes.”
I crossed my arms tightly. She had no right. “What, like you’re so perfect?”
“I never said I was perfect.”
“You’re a total control freak! You fixed up the guy you like with someone else so you don’t have to commit to him! You work out in the middle of the night! You won’t let me drive! You follow me around turning off lights! It’s worse than living with Penny. And let me tell you, being a control freak isn’t going to change the fact that your mom is a total flake. And you know what? I could have just stayed in her room, because she’s not coming back.”
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