“I guess. Good thing John didn’t think the same thing. Otherwise the pink slip would have said I was fired for trustworthiness and providing stress relief for my co-workers,” Joe says.
Deedy laughs. “Let’s talk about your stress level. How do you feel?”
“Okay. Why don’t you ask what you really want to know?”
Deedy looks bemused. “What do I really want to know?”
“Memory,” Joe says. “And yes, I have one.”
Deedy says nothing. Just sits back and assumes his listening position. Joe begins.
“In the early 70s I met a young assistant to a very famous actress. She was a good girl, from a small town in the Midwest who came to the big city with a suitcase and a dream. You know, it’s an old, old story. She wanted to be an actress, but ended up having to work for one. And man, she picked the worse one. This diva was horrible to her. She used to do things like try on twelve different outfits, make Sarah take photos of her in all of them, then make her go to a one hour film developer, get them developed and bring them back so she could pick the most photogenic outfit. She was abusive and exploited Sarah like she was an indentured servant. She would demand the most unreasonable things at the most unreasonable times, and Sarah always delivered. When I met her, I offered her some real money for any of those photos that were very unflattering. She refused. The actress was arrested for a DUI and threw her purse at Sarah when she came to pick her up from jail. I offered her money again for an inside scoop of her condition that night. She refused, again.”
“Sounds like a lovely girl,” Deedy says.
“Yes, she was. She eventually got fired after the actress publicly accused her of leaking a story about her going into rehab. I knew it was bullshit, because I knew Sarah would never have done that. I went to Sarah and told her as much. I also gave her a contact of a theater producer that I knew. He gave her a small part in his upcoming play. I went on opening night and was so pleased for her. Even though it was a small part, she had made it her own and stole the show. She got more parts, bigger parts, and eventually made the jump over to film. She became somewhat famous. Not Meryl Streep kind of famous, but she worked steadily and won a few awards. The thing is, once the papps were interested in her, she called me. She gave me every single scoop about her and supplied me with photos and everything. We became friends over the years. She made me a better reporter, because I stopped offering assistants to hand over unflattering photos and sneaking around alleys or digging through trashcans. I started developing real relationships with sources. Prove to them that you are trustworthy and they will be just as good to you. That became my motto.”
“Good motto,” Deedy says.
“Oh, and the actress that fired Sarah? Turns out she had planted that story herself. Her career was lagging, and she couldn’t get work, so she decided an interesting tidbit in the tabloids would spurn interest in her again. The reporter she met with retired and wrote his memoirs. In them he admitted she had given him the story. It was fabulous. Talk about getting press interest? She got so much bad publicity that no one in Hollywood would touch her ever again.” Joe laughs.
“So by choosing to be trustworthy instead of dealing in low grade gossip, didn’t that mean that you were regularly scooped?” Deedy asks.
“Sure. That’s why I never made it to the big time. But it also meant that I never got named in lawsuits or had to retract anything I’d put in print. And sometimes I would get a story that no one else would because celebrities that value their privacy would entrust me with the few secrets that they were willing to let out,” Joe says, suddenly feeling sad. He thinks he may start to cry, and that fact is both shocking and horrible to him.
“My boy,” Deedy says in his grandfatherly way. “What you need is just a tiny push and it may be sooner rather than later that you start to fly!” Deedy was always saying weird things like that.
“Push me where?” Joe asks. “Or more importantly, push me off of what?”
Deedy laughs out loud at that. “Nothing too scary, Joe. I’m sending you back to the scene of the crime, as they say in the movies.” He slides a yellow post-it note across the desk.
Joe picks it up and it is his turn to laugh. “Are you serious?”
“Go on. You might find it a more rewarding job than you think,” Deedy says, looking at Joe kindly.
“As a cashier at a superstore? I can’t imagine what could be rewarding about that,” Joe says. “But what the heck, I’ll give it a try.”
“Tremendous!” Deedy exclaims. Sometimes his enthusiasm is a bit over the top.
As Joe walks home, he is lost in thought. Deedy has been good to him, and he feels better than he has felt since dying. Gabby and Louise are also part of it, providing him with more comfort than he has ever known in Hell. He just wonders, with this wild ride he’s on whereby he gets a job, loses it, goes and gets another one. Exactly where does this ride go?
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Linda wakes up from the weirdest night ever. Dreaming, in Hell. Go figure? Linda’s night was filled with dreams. She isn’t sure whether she should feel comforted or terrified by the images that haunted her overnight.
She was young again and happy and with Louise her best friend. They were walking down the street of some strange city in which Linda was pretty sure she had never been, and they were walking and laughing. Suddenly Louise looked at her with a strange expression and said, “I don’t think I’m supposed to be here.” And she turned around and left.
Linda stopped her and said, “You aren’t just going to leave me here, are you? Isn’t there something you can do?”
Louise gave her a lovely smile and said, “It doesn’t work that way. Sorry, babe. See you on the flipside!” She winked as Lou used to always wink, then disappeared.
All of a sudden Linda was at her office complete with the dour attorneys and witchy Suzy. She said, “I’m looking for my friend.” Absolutely no one was paying attention to her, so she started searching the office. She was looking through cupboards and drawers as if she was going to find Louise crouched inside of one of them. Then she saw her walk out the door. She ran after her screaming her name. “Louise, don’t leave me here! Louise!”
Then Louise was gone.
Linda wakes up with tears streaming down her face. She feels abandoned by a ghost.
When Linda met Louise for the first time, it was almost comical. Linda was in the throes of her own personal rebellion, against a solid middle-class suburban upbringing. Mostly she was just bored.
Her mom and dad wore down their knees and ran their throats dry with prayers for Linda. The funny thing is they were probably praying for a new influence on their daughter, who they felt was naïve and impressionable. But what they didn’t realize was Linda always made her own choices. Including the fact that she was already pulling back from the scene and from the friends that made her parents nervous. She would just hang out every once in a while, and one of those nights Louise walked in. Boom…the answer to her parents’ prayers. A brand new influence named Louise Patterson.
The mutual attraction between Linda and Louise was instant and intense. Linda never understood why Lou was so insistent that they become best friends, but she was grateful for it. She jumped on the bestie bandwagon immediately and the two of them became inseparable.
Louise was not just bigger than life, she was enormous. Exciting and adventurous, she always had a plan. Even if that plan was to do absolutely nothing for days. In fact, that was Louise’s signature move. Doing fuck-all for days and days and days, and still having more fun and more laughs than anyone else.
Linda loved Louise like a sister, and at some point the friendship had transcended into something much more familial than anything she had known. When Louise named her daughter Linda, that was it. She became Aunt Linda and set out to spoil her name sake rotten.
After Louise died of breast cancer, Linda was devastated. It felt like someone had pulled a plug inside of her and let her soul drain awa
y. She became obsessed with “Dinny”—little Linda’s nickname—and became a second mother for her. Dinny was so small when Louise had passed, but she had her mother’s pluck as well as her eyes. The two Lindas helped each other heal.
The point of this is Linda and Louise had always saved each other. Yet, in her dream Louise had walked away. What was her subconscious telling her? That she doesn’t need saving. She is not convinced of that. That Louise is saving her, but not the way she wants? She would like to believe that is true. She wonders if Louise is happy, and secretly hopes that she is.
Linda still feels discombobulated and weird as she gets to work. She immediately picks up a stack of folders and starts to file them. She is still trying to shake off the previous night when all of a sudden Suzy looks at her with disdain.
“Do you think you are going to get overtime?”
“What?” Linda says.
“We don't pay overtime. It’s time to go. Get the fuck out,” Suzy says.
Linda is now very confused. “Are you high?” she says to Suzy. “What are you talking about? I’ve been here for like five minutes.”
Suzy says, “Obviously I’m not the one with deficient mental capacity. You’ve been here all day.”
Linda doesn’t understand. “What?” She looks around and sees everyone else leaving. The partners are all getting their briefcases and walking out the door. Suddenly she feels tears behind her eyes. “Suzy, can I ask…what did I do all day?”
Suzy just rolls her eyes. “Not much. Threw some files around, as usual,” she answers tersely.
Linda is astounded. How could she have lost all that time? Now she starts to panic. Maybe there is something else going on. Maybe there’s an even greater punishment waiting for her around the corner.
Linda runs outside and sits down on the curb. She starts to cry now. Heavy sobbing that makes her feel like she’s choking out in this horrible heat. She closes her eyes and imagines being back in her room and decides she is just going to sit there on the curb hugging her knees for quite a long time.
* * *
I wake up feeling as excited as a kid on Christmas morning. This day feels important. When I meet Joe in the morning I am surprised, first by his hysterical outfit, and second when he tells me that he’s starting a new job at the superstore today.
“Sorry about your luck, pal,” I say through gales and gales of laughter.
“It can’t be as bad as construction,” Joe says, but still looks a bit miserable.
“Well, the good news is you’ll be beating off all those painted women, they are gonna love you.” I laugh some more at him. One of the trademarks of the girls who work in the superstores is that they get so bored, what with not helping customers that they just reapply their makeup over and over again. It would be funny if it wasn’t so pathetic.
“Hey, there’s something to look forward to.” Joe’s sarcasm is thick, and we are both laughing. “What’s up with you?” he asks.
“Nothing much. Just hanging around,” I say nonchalantly. I don’t want to give away too much.
“Oh. Because Gabby said something kind of interesting,” he says.
“What did she say?” Damn, she’s been tuning in on me.
“She said today I’ll be thinking of both of you, and hoping for the best.” “Well, that’s nice of her. I guess,” I say, a little unsure.
When we get to the superstore, I give Joe a slap on the back and wish him good luck. As he walks away, I wolf whistle at him, then fall apart one more time over his clothing. Then I wait until he’s safe inside before I leave to head to the law office. I know I’m going to arrive about the same time as the employees, and I feel so nervous. It’s like I am about to meet a rock star or something, not reunite with my oldest and dearest friend.
When I arrive at the agency, Lugner is waiting for me outside. “Hello there, Louise. So glad you actually showed up.”
“Of course I showed up. Was there any question?” I ask.
“With you humans, there is always a question. Free will and all that jazz.” He chuckles. “Are you ready to go in?”
“Sure. Is there anything I need to know before I do?” I say with sudden concern.
“You will be able to see Linda, but not communicate with her. She won’t know you are here. She will be totally unaware of her surroundings.”
“That is better than nothing, I guess,” I say with a bit of disappointment.
“Then let’s go.” He waves his arm across the door. A light emanates from his fingertips and covers the entrance. Then it seems to come to life all on its own and it swirls its way inside before us.
Now it is our turn. He opens the door and holds it for me, and we enter. The infamous Suzy looks up from her desk. First registering Lugner, then me. “Good morning, Mr. Lugner. How wonderful to see you here!” Sycophantic bitch.
“Good day, Suzy. This is my new friend, Louise. I understand the two of you met yesterday.” His oozing charm has just a hint of underlying antipathy.
I smile and force myself to be polite. “Hello again.”
She looks surprised. I guess Lugner doesn’t bring folks around here very often. “Hello…yes…Ms. Patterson. So glad the two of you were able to catch up.” Her discomfort gives me a small sense of pleasure. I look up at Lugner and grin.
“Louise, let’s go into my office.” He starts to guide me through the office. We do pause in front of a row of filing cabinets. I look up and catch my breath. My hand flies up to my mouth to stifle a scream as I look at one of the loveliest sights I’ve ever seen in Hell. My Linda!
She looks like a robot, or an automaton. She is just opening up cabinets and filing folders without even looking at them. Her face is expressionless and her movement unnatural.
“What is going on? Why is she like that?” I say to Lugner.
“In my office, Louise.” He rushes me into his sanctuary and closes the door behind me. “I had to put a veil over her. She is not in pain, nor is she suffering. In fact, today will fly by for her. She will have no memory of being cloaked at all.”
“But why? I thought the camouflage Deedy gave me would render me invisible to her anyway. Why does she have to be all…hypno-zombie?”
“That is an interesting point. The fact that you could see her yesterday, even just for a split second, and she felt your presence even if she couldn’t actually visualize you, means that your connection is so deep that ordinary safety protocols do not fit. Pretty impressive, to be honest with you.”
“So you could remove the veil, and we could talk.” “That would be a very bad idea, Louise.”
“Why? Because it’s against the rules?” I start to get angry.
“Because it would be an exercise in torment for Linda,” he says quietly.
“Oh.” I sit down hard in a chair across from his desk.
“You can’t just pop in and say hi, then go back to Heaven and leave her behind. For her, it would be unbearable. Imagine what would have happened if Bobby or Dinny had turned out to be real when you were here, and after they stopped by for a visit they went away and you were stuck at IP&FW.”
I thought about that for a minute. Yes, that would have been beyond awful. The only comfort in remembering them and seeing visions of them was that once I remembered, I was brought into Heaven. So I decided to take the leap and say what was in my secret heart.
“So can’t I bring her back with me?”
“That is what we have to discuss. Deedy has given you express instructions to not get involved. Now, obviously when and if Linda were to suddenly show up with you in Heaven, Deedy would welcome her with open arms. He’s never going to deny anyone who was lost and is now found. That is just his way. But, he will intervene if he knows that you plan to extract her early.”
“And he will probably be really mad at me,” I say, getting a little pouty.
“I can’t imagine he would be pleased,” he says with a low laugh. “However, I can veil both of you and you can take her unseen i
nto the pearly gates. Once you enter the WF&PI building the veil will disappear and Linda will be in Heaven.” Lugner is now reaching into his desk to pull out some papers.
“So, what is in it for you?” I say to him.
“Do you ask Gabby what’s in it for her every time she makes you coffee or brings you comfort?” He looks wounded.
“No, I guess not,” I say apologetically.
“Okay then. Shall we go ahead and make a plan?” He looks at me expectantly.
“I need a minute. Can I answer you tomorrow?” I ask. I feel the need to step on the brakes a little.
Lugner looks a bit annoyed, but he answers me with a sweet, “Of course, I would not expect anything less from you, Louise.”
I thank him profusely and walk out into the main office. I stop and just watch Linda for a little while. I discover that tears are flowing down my cheeks after a few minutes. “I love you, Linda,” I say to the robotic woman moving around in front of me. She is oblivious. I then walk out the door and start to sob.
I knock on Hank’s door, and when he answers, I leap into his arms. I’m crying so hard I can barely speak.
“Lou! What’s wrong?” Hank is concerned, and he carries me inside. “Can I get you some water?” He runs to the kitchen and fixes me something to drink.
When I get myself together, I look at him with huge, wet eyes. “I need to talk to you.” He sits across from me, and I tell him about Lugner, about my visit to his office today, about Linda and seeing her, and finally about Lugner’s offer.
Hank leaps up from his chair and kneels before me. “So what is the question? Of course you are going to do it, right?”
“I don’t know. I have to wrap my head around it,” I say.
“Wrap your head around what? You could save her!”
“I’m just not sure that I am supposed to save her.”
“Do you think you are supposed to leave your best friend in Hell?” He sounds a little angry. “Lou, you have to do it. Go home, think on it, get right with it. Whatever. But in the end, just do it. For Linda and for me.” Hank is pleading with me. I don’t think I can take that anymore either, so I get up to go.
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