Press the reset button at the base of her right shoulder blade, for God's sake.
Hydraulic level is low. Left ankle is non-functional. Tension in right ankle requires adjustment. Tension in left knee requires adjustment.
Oh great, she's entered her self-assessment mode. This could take forever.
Right knee is non-functional. Left arm is missing.
Andreanna, stop self assessment.
Right arm is non-functional. Left facial plate has sustained severe damage.
Just turn her off for right now. Turn the bitch off.
Right chest....
* * * *
Is she back on? What a mess. I don't think I could handle this if she were real. Thank God I'm not a medic.
The medical staff here at Lunar Command Headquarters is second to none. And the LUNCOM medical staff makes extensive use of the Earth standard gravity clinic attached to Storage Bay Five.
Well, at least she doesn't seem to be saying “next slide please."
Many illnesses on the Moon are best treated at Earth standard gravity.
Can you stop her from briefing? I sat through enough of that crap when I first got here.
Vertigo, for example, is frequently treated in Storage Bay Five.
Andreanna, stop briefing.
The stop briefing command is an important function to know when using the Androbriefer. To stop an Androbriefer, simply look at it and say its assigned name followed by “stop briefing."
What do you think she was doing in Bay Five?
Storage Bay Five connects to the General Karl B. Carmichael Memorial Gym, which is also maintained at Earth standard gravity. The gym is a wonderful place to keep in shape and make new friends.
She fell from the observation platform. That's got to be what? Thirty-five, forty feet?
The planet Earth, located 238,900 miles from the Moon, can be observed from the Storage Bay Five observation platform.
You think she was looking out the window?
At times you can even see South Dakota from the observation window.
I don't know, but it's one hell of a view from that window.
The majestic Black Hills rise out of the Great Plains in western South Dakota.
Andreanna, stop briefing.
Mount Rushmore has been etched into the Black Hills of South Dakota as a tribute to democracy.
Who loaded the South Dakota briefing? Not very useful up here.
Mount Rushmore was the masterwork of Gutzon Borglum.
Just turn her off. We're going to have to send her to diagnostics.
Construction on Mount Rushmore began in....
* * * *
Andreanna, run personality update file history.
Personality update files are a critical part of maintaining your Androbriefer, a state-of-the-art communications component, in prime condition.
Andreanna, run assessment of personality files loaded since arrival at Lunar Command.
Lunar Command, or as we call it here on the lunar surface—LUNCOM, was established on September 4, 2063.
Listening skills aren't too good today, are they, girl?
LUNCOM's first commander was Gen Karl B. Carmichael, seen here in front of an XG-21 environmental control unit.
Let's see if this helps you listen.
Hydraulic level is normal. Left facial plate has sustained severe damage.
May not be able to fix your face, Andreanna. You may not be much of a looker anymore.
Tension in left knee requires adjustment. Right arm requires adjustment.
That's too bad, because you used to look pretty good, except for that big chin of yours. Why'd they have to give you such a big chin?
Right chest area has sustained severe damage.
Andreanna, stop self assessment.
Your Androbriefer is able to provide a complete assessment of all critical components. Your Androbriefer is also able to assess the current status of all system update files.
Andreanna, run assessment of personality files loaded since arrival at LUNCOM.
Update .008 loaded at 0831, 12 September 2081 at LUNCOM Robotics Division.
Excellent, girl.
Update .008 is functional.
Very good.
Update .008 added smile algorithm to the Androbriefer unit. It is important to smile when you arrive at LUNCOM for that is the first step in building friendships which will last a lifetime.
Andreanna, assess next personality file.
Update .009 loaded at 1317, 27 January 2082 at LUNCOM Robotics Division. Update .009 is functional. Update .009 revised the gesture algorithm. Nonverbal communication and gestures are a critical part of making new friends when you first arrive at LUNCOM.
Andreanna, assess next personality file.
Over ninety percent of all human communication is said to be nonverbal.
Andreanna, listen. Andreanna, assess next personality file.
Update .010 loaded at 1041, 17 April 2082 at LUNCOM Robotics Division. Update .010 is functional. Update .010 revised the voice inflection algorithm. The human voice is capable....
Andreanna, that should be all the personality updates.
Update .0101 loaded at 2334, 5 May 2082 in LUNCOM Cafeteria.
Damn bootleg programs. What junk did they put in you?
Update .0101 contains corrupted files. Update .0101 added passion algorithm.
Why do you let those guys put those damned corrupt programs in you?
The passion algorithm allows the Androbriefer to search the data base for key terms and then ties those terms to personality algorithms.
Girl, I don't think this one is coming out. I think it's messed you up real bad too.
The passion algorithm is meant to emulate the process of producing human feelings.
We just got to try to make everything feel, don't we? Andreanna, hold still.
After you arrive at LUNCOM expect to develop a passion for the wonder that is the Moon.
No, it's not coming out, Andreanna. Looks like a trip back to Earth for you.
A passion which will become the key to....
* * * *
Andreanna, wake up. Do you remember me?
Welcome to Black Hills Robotics, Incorporated. Black Hills Robotics, Incorporated, lies on the outskirts of Rapid City, South Dakota.
That's right, baby. You're home. Can I hug you?
Black Hills Robotics, Incorporated, brings you state-of-the-art robots and androids. Black Hills Robotics is paving a bright path into the future, and we invite you to come along with us.
What did they do to you, sweetheart? What in the world did they do to your face?
Dr. Sarah E. Miller is chief of communications robotics at Black Hills Robotics, Incorporated. She is your link to the future of communications.
Oh, you do remember me.
Dr. Sarah E. Miller uses her own likeness for the entire line of Androbriefer units. Consequently, the dominant chin has become the trademark of the Black Hills Robotics Androbriefer.
You may have a big chin, dear, but I never got sued for stealing a likeness.
Dr. Sarah E. Miller's groundbreaking systems now serve you across this planet and on the Moon.
Well your breasts are bigger than mine now. Sons-of-bitches. Guess my breasts weren't big enough for them.
Dr. Sarah E. Miller is not an XG-21 environmental control unit.
No, baby, I'm not. I'm going to make some adjustments now. You just go to sleep for a while.
Dr. Sarah E. Miller...
* * * *
Wake up, baby. Sit up. I've got to see what they put in you.
I know, I know. You want to brief, don't you, dear? But I disabled your briefing function for right now. That's okay. You just move your lips. You just pretend you're briefing.
Oh, a smiling program. I guess you weren't smiling enough for them, were you? I don't think that program's coming out.
And gestures. They wanted more gestures from you. Well, I've got
a gesture for them. I hate it when people mess with my work.
My God. A recursive analysis program.
Labeled it “passion,” did they? As if they really know passion.
Did they give you passion, baby? Is that what happened?
Did they really make you able to love? That's probably what they wanted. I guess we're always looking for love. Always looking for that right combination of zeroes and ones that will give us love.
I'm hooking your briefing program back up, Andreanna. Just hold still. You'll be able to talk in a second. That should do it. Now just tell me what you love, sweetheart. Just tell me what you love.
The Mount Rushmore National Memorial lies approximately twenty-three miles southwest of Rapid City, South Dakota.
Well, don't you worry, Andreanna. You're staying right here in Rapid City with me. I don't know what I am going to do with you, but you sure aren't going back to the Moon.
* * * *
Andreanna, baby. Good news. Lunar Command doesn't want you back. We're just going to send them another unit.
Lunar Command oversees seventeen operational bases spread across the lunar surface.
They want all their briefings out of you though. You okay with that, baby?
These critical bases play a key role in maintaining a strong national defense.
But we can't leave that classified stuff in you anymore. And you sure do have a lot of it. Bet you didn't know you were a security risk.
The extensive mining operations under LUNCOM are also critical in providing essential resources and maintaining a strong national economy.
Baby, if you can hear me, I really need you to come out of that briefing loop you're stuck in.
Come with us as we take an in-depth look at LUNCOM.
Andreanna, stop briefing. Please.
Come with us as we explore the future of your Lunar Command and the future of the planet Earth.
Baby, you need to come out of that loop you're in or they're going to shut you down for good.
Come with us as....
* * * *
Andreanna, all those LUNCOM briefings are gone now.
The Androbriefer has the storage capacity to hold every briefing your corporation will ever need.
All you've got left is the stuff I put in you a long time ago. Let's see what's left in you, sweetheart.
Mount Rushmore beams with the stunning likenesses of four of America's most famous presidents.
You like that one, don't you, baby. That was the first briefing I ever put in you.
To the far left is George Washington, one of America's finest leaders in the struggle for independence and the first President of the United States.
Andreanna, I have some bad news for you. You're not taking any more briefing loads. I've tried, but I can't fix it.
Immediately to the right of George Washington is Thomas Jefferson, principal author of the Declaration of Independence.
No more personality updates either. Baby, this may be it for you. I'm gonna miss you, sweetheart. I'm really gonna miss you.
* * * *
Andreanna. Get up, baby. Can you walk? Just step out of the transport and take a few steps. You should be able to walk now. Watch your step.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.
This way, sweetheart. I have something to show you. See. Over there.
It is my privilege to introduce to you the Androbriefer, the state-of-the-art in communications robotics.
Look, baby, it's Mount Rushmore. You've never seen it in person before, have you? It's okay, baby. It's okay.
Your Androbriefer is designed to take effective communications to a new level.
That's great. Just let that smile algorithm kick in.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.
You go stand over there by those people on the grass and look. I already set up your briefing slides for you. You take as long as you want.
Ladies and gentleman. Doctor Sarah E. Miller. Distinguished guests.
Gather around her. She won't hurt you.
Welcome to the Mount Rushmore National Monument.
Look, Mom, a ranger.
Next slide please.
What happened to her face?
Mount Rushmore was the masterwork of Gutzon Borglum.
That's it, baby, you go ahead and brief, and when you're done, we're gonna let you sleep for a while.
It is a story of trial and triumph.
But I'll bring you back whenever I can.
It is an epic story of one man's vision...
I promise.
...one man's passion.
You've earned it, baby.
Next slide please.
You've earned it.
[Back to Table of Contents]
Department: Films: How I Spent My Italian Vacation by Lucius Shepard
For this column, I had intended to write about The Road, John Hillcoat's film adaptation of the Cormac McCarthy novel, but the road to The Road proved bumpier than even McCarthy could have envisioned. Severe post-production problems (Hollywood-ese for “the picture is a mess") caused the release to be pushed back several months, and it's possible that the movie will be dumped into a February slot along with the latest Uwe Boll disaster and a batch of awesomely unoriginal and incompetent slasher movies starring No-One-You-Ever-Heard-Of dressed in thongs and Speedos. Thus my exploration of why such a tendentiously bleak post-apocalyptic novel is the perfect Oprah book and, assuming it can be fixed, the feelgood movie of the year will have to wait for another time. In lieu of that, I'd like to discuss several European films of fair-to-middling worth that I saw last week in Trieste.
The vast majority of apocalyptic films hold out at least some small hope for the future of our species, but this is not the case with Tres Días (or Before the Fall, as it will be called on international DVD), a Spanish movie directed by Javier Gutiérrez that presents a scenario in which all life on our planet is due to be destroyed in three days by a killer meteor. The measures that would have allowed life on Earth to survive have been tried and have failed. Barring divine intercession, mankind is as done as last night's dinner. In a tiny Spanish town, twenty-something Emilio (Daniel Cassadellà), the boss of a team of laborers/handymen, takes the news with relative aplomb. He's a depressed, disaffected sort who has never expected much out of life and takes no great pleasure in friends and family; but being a dutiful son, he heads home to his mother (Mariana Cordero). He finds her listening to the news—the world, and their little corner of it, is being ripped apart by suicide and violence. Guards at the prisons have abandoned their posts and the prisoners are running wild throughout the country. Emilio's mother is concerned about his brother Tomas and his three children. Tomas is out of town, so far away that it's unlikely he will be able to get back in the time left, and Emilio's mother insists that they drive to his brother's house on the edge of the desert and see to the children's welfare. Emilio is not disposed to help, but allows himself to be dragooned into going along. When they arrive they discover that the TV is on the fritz and the children know nothing of the impending apocalypse. His mother immediately sabotages the radio, the sole remaining conduit for news, and devotes herself to preventing the children from hearing about the end of the world. Emilio is more sanguine about the situation—he doesn't see much point in keeping the news from them, but he doesn't have any real involvement in the situation, so once again he goes along with his mother.
What makes Tres Días compelling, aside from the more-than-competent acting on the part of all concerned, is how the circumstance brings out the caring side of Emilio's nature. When Tomas's teenage daughter, Raquel (Ana de las Cuevas) is stood up by her date, she says, “He'll be sorry,” and Emilio's face registers the complexity of his moral dilemma: whether or not he should ease Raquel's hurt feelings by telling her that her boyfriend has been prevented from coming by a larger tragedy. As these dilemmas grow more complex, we understand that the adults’ desire to protect the children also imperils the
m in unexpected ways, and this comes to a head with the appearance of Lucio (Eduard Fernández), a man who claims to be their father's friend. Armed with a shotgun, Emilio will not let him enter the house, and Lucio, ostensibly waiting for Tomas to return, passes the time by repairing old tape cassettes—odd behavior, you might think, for a man facing his mortality; but Lucio soon displays odder behavior yet, forcing Emilio to commit more deeply to the children.
Whether you appreciate Tres Días depends on how grim you like your grim. Some people will love it, some will not. For my tastes, the turn of events initiated by Lucio, though it provides Emilio with a reason to go the extra mile on behalf of the children, is a bit much. I think it adds an ingredient that was unnecessary, turning the picture into a standard sort of thriller, and I believe it might have been more edifying if Emilio had reached his moral conclusion without Lucio's advent. Be that as it may, the movie makes an interesting addition to the genre, and it's one I'll likely take a look at again, if only to validate my feelings about it.
In recent years there have been so many zombie pictures, I hesitate to call them a sub-genre—with their overtones of social commentary, ranging in tone from flat-out slapstick parody (Shaun of the Dead) to the bleakest of post-apocalyptic scenarios, and with such recent and soon-to-be-released titles as Zombie Strippers, Chopper Zombie, Zombie Jesus, Zombie Grandma, Zombie Family, America's Next Top Zombie Idol, Gay Zombie, Zombie Nation, and Zombie Chef from Hell, it seems the zombie has become a sort of all-purpose metaphor. Can Zombie Housepets in Love, Zombie Holiday on Ice, and Zombie Assistant Manager at McDonald's be far behind? Frankly, I've pretty much OD'ed on the whole zombie thing, so when I learned that The Dead Outside was yet another zombie flick, needless to say I was not enthusiastic about watching it. However, it turns out that this is not another metaphorical usage of the zombie—it's a thoughtful, twisty story in which zombies play only the part of the inciting element.
Filmed on a micro-mini budget by a young Scotswoman, Kerry Anne Mullaney, and her even younger screenwriting partner and cinematographer, Kris R. Bird, the story involves a neurological pandemic that has killed or consumed most of the population, turning the dying paranoid and violent. April (Sandra Louise Douglas), a teenage girl with a mysterious and dark past, has survived alone in an isolated farmhouse for several months, when Daniel (Alton Milne), a man in his early thirties who has lost his family to the pandemic, comes to the farm looking for gas. Hostile at first, April allows Daniel to stay and the two negotiate an uneasy alliance, punctuated by April's nighttime zombie hunts and fits of temper when Daniel pries too deeply into her secrets. “I like being by myself mostly,” she says, and that's fine by Daniel—it seems there's not a hint of romance between the two, due to her disposition and the difference in their ages. But when Kate (Sharon Osdin), a young woman who has been living with her mother, recently deceased, seeks refuge on the farm and proves an amiable companion for Daniel, sex or something like rears its head and April demands that she leave.
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