Lost to Light

by Jamie Bennett

  He stared at me. “That’s not a proverb. That’s a painting by Dalí.”

  “I know. I’ve also been studying Spanish art.” I held out my arms. “Come here, please.” Iván put his head on my shoulder and I hugged him to me. “I’m happy you’re back.” I told him about talking to Benji and that I was going to go visit. Then I told him about saying goodbye to Mikey. “I’m glad he called.”

  Iván nodded against me. “I’m glad too, for you.”

  “He said we could get rid of his stuff. I don’t know. If he comes back to Oakland…”

  “We can keep it a while longer, if you want to,” Iván said. “Just in case.”

  “Maybe that’s best. I think, someday, he’ll get himself back on track.”

  “I agree. We don’t need to be in a rush to throw things out. We have plenty of room,” he assured me.

  I smiled at the top of his head. It was nice to have someone in your corner.

  Both of us fell asleep. I woke up later snuggled up to Iván. He was lying on his back, practicing his loud, deep breathing. Definitely not snoring. I sniggered. I wiggled up and kissed his cheek gently, and then, because I couldn’t help myself, I kissed his neck, too. I unbuttoned his team polo shirt and kissed his chest.

  I could tell that he was starting to wake up. I carefully pulled up his shirt and kissed his stomach and his ribs. I glanced up and saw his dark eyes watching me. I pulled his shirt some more and he rose up a little so I could take it over his head. I slowly swung my leg over his hips, straddling him, and ran my hands down his arms, over his shoulders, and back down to his stomach. I watched his chest move up and down, his breathing getting faster.

  I pulled my shirt over my head and he brought his hands up to my breasts. His deft fingers ran across my nipples and slid my bra straps off my shoulders. I arched my back and reached behind me and unhooked it. It fell to the side with our shirts.

  Iván sat up, his abs rippling. He cupped my breasts in his hands. “This is what I think about,” he told me softly, undulating his fingers. He licked, then pulled my nipple into his mouth. I held his head to me. My own breathing quickened. Iván picked up his head. “You tell me, Maura,” he said, just as he had before. “Tell me when it’s enough.”

  “It’s not enough,” I answered, and he kissed me, easing me back onto the bed, his hips against mine. We kissed and kissed, while I ran my hands up and down his back, then moved to the front and undid his jeans.

  He pulled them off. I could see how hard he was, pushing against the fabric of his boxers. I reached out and felt there, moving my hand up and down, until he swore in Spanish and pulled them off too.

  Oh, glory. My mouth dropped open. I had never seen…But Iván’s hands were already on my zipper, tugging it down, tugging down everything and leaving me naked against him. We lay on our sides and I pressed closer, into his warm skin.

  “Tell me, Maura.”

  “More.”

  His mouth was on mine again, but his hands roamed. Up my back and onto my butt, kneading. Then between my legs, and he put my knee on his hip. “Look at me,” he said, and I met his eyes as his fingers rubbed up and down my slit. One long finger went inside me and I pressed down against it, grinding into his hand. I didn’t know what I wanted. Just more. His thumb was rubbing against me, gentle and teasing against my clitoris, and then another finger entered me. I clutched his shoulders and he kissed me again. “Look at me.” I lost myself in his brown eyes as pleasure and pressure built and then burst through me.

  “Iván!” I hung on his neck and gasped his name. “Iván.” I shook and quivered.

  I felt him pressed into my stomach, still diamond hard between us. He put himself between my legs and flexed his hips back and forth, and both of us groaned.

  “I want you to come again,” his voice rumbled in my ear. “I want to watch you.” He turned me onto my back and I watched his brown head descend my body, licking my nipples and biting gently, then harder as I pressed up into his mouth. He held my hips and licked lower, and lower. I felt his tongue inside me and I lost control. I was moaning and begging him. I called his name as his teeth grazed my clit. I came before I knew what was happening and when I opened my eyes I saw Iván smiling as he watched me.

  He was busy with the condom. “R-r-r-ready?” I smiled too, dreamy and sated with pleasure, and pulled him to me as he nudged inside.

  “It feels…”

  He pumped his hips. “Tell me. Tell me how it feels,” he panted.

  “More. More.” I repeated the word and he rocked harder into me, my hands grasping his butt and my legs wrapped around him, urging him faster and deeper. I looked into his eyes and watched the pleasure overtake him. He kept moving against me and when he took my nipples between his fingers I shook with another little orgasm. I called his name again.

  “I didn’t know,” I said later, spooned against him, cradled in his arms. “I didn’t know it would be like that for us.”

  “I did.” He kissed my neck.

  “You waited for me for a while.” I turned to look at him.

  Iván bent and kissed my lips. “It was worth it. You’re worth it. Always.” He kissed me more, longer, and I found that it was even better the second go around.

  ∞

  We went to dinner with the team that night, but we were late and we barely made it there at all. I felt like I was walking on clouds. On feathers on clouds. On feathers on bubbles on clouds.

  Iván kept me latched to his side. He hadn’t stopped touching me yet. He always liked to hold my hand, or put his arm around me, but now it felt intimate. Like we had a secret together.

  I shivered in the car and he scooted me closer. The driver had pointed out that I could sit behind her in a real seat rather than in the middle of the back seat with the hard hump under my butt. I told her I was good where I was.

  “Cold?”

  “No,” I answered, and Iván’s eyes blazed up. He looked at my neck and I shivered again.

  “Maybe we should skip dinner.” He spoke directly into my ear, then took my ear lobe in his teeth. I shivered a third time.

  “We should go but leave early. And stop at a drugstore on the way back to the hotel.” We needed more condoms. A lot more.

  He laughed softly against my neck. If he didn’t stop soon I was going to start taking off his clothes and this poor driver was going get quite an eyeful. It was a really big, thick eyeful. Or a handful. I looked over at Iván’s pants. Or a mouthful…

  “Maura, you’re blushing.” I glanced up and saw his smile. “I know what you were thinking.” He broke into his laugh. “I was thinking it too.”

  Christos’ mother lived in Chino, near where I’d attended part of my junior high years. The whole team was there, already eating, of course. I got drawn into a conversation with Christos’ mom about southern California and how it had changed. She told me about all the orange groves that used to fill Orange County, instead of the cookie cutter tract homes that packed the land, side by side with only slivers of space between them. “I miss the oranges,” she sighed.

  I was refilling my plate when I heard some of the swimmers talking to Iván.

  “She’s smoking hot.”

  “Excuse me?” Iván asked, turning and doing his looming thing over the guy who said it.

  The kid backed down. “I mean, your girlfriend is beautiful. I always admired your skill with the ladies.”

  “Lady,” Iván emphasized. “Singular. Only one.”

  “Who’s that?” I asked, coming to his side and nudging him.

  “I can’t remember her name,” he told me, pulling me to him and kissing my cheek.

  Christos watched us. “Iván says you graduate this semester, Maura. What are your plans?”

  “I’ve gone in for interviews, and I’m on my second round at two companies.” One had been on the 21st floor at a building in Oakland, which had been a real peach for me in my cute interview shoes. “I’m planning to take the next year to do the CPA exa
ms and then I’ll be an accountant at wherever I’m hired.”

  “You and Iván seem very different,” he said. “Yin and yang. Loud and quiet.”

  “No,” I told him. “We’re similar in a lot of ways. You guys see how serious he is about swimming. He’s like that about everything when he needs to be.”

  “Maura isn’t loud, but she isn’t quiet. She’s full of life and emotion. You should see her dance,” Iván said. I shook my head and hid in his chest a little. No one was going to see me dance but him and Anouk.

  “I stand corrected,” Christos said, and laughed.

  We stopped at the drugstore after we left and Iván practically bought out the condom section.

  The next day, we got to test out the one-woman theory Iván had espoused the night before. I was there early at the outdoor pool and got a great seat near the tented area where the coaches and swimmers were sitting. I pulled my—Iván’s—baseball cap down and put on my sunglasses, but I was soaking up the sun on the beautiful winter day. I liked where we lived up north but it was so damn cold!

  I watched as a striking, statuesque, redheaded coach approached from the other team’s bench. “Iván!” she called.

  “Kirsten, hi.” He stepped forward, smiling, and kissed her cheeks.

  I kept watching as she stood close to him, speaking too low for me to hear what she said.

  Then he called to me. “Maura!” He was pointing me out, and I waved at both of them. The woman, Kirsten, got a big frown and shook her head. Iván waved goodbye to her, too.

  “Is he your boyfriend?” the woman next to me in the stands asked.

  I nodded. “Yes.”

  She fanned herself. “Good grief, he’s handsome. You two make a beautiful couple.”

  “Thanks.” I blew Iván a kiss, then laughed as he acted stunned.

  “You’ll have gorgeous children.” I turned to stare at her and she laughed. “If your mind is already going that way!”

  “He’ll be a wonderful father,” I said confidently. He had such a good heart. He wouldn’t leave his kids, I was sure. I wondered how I knew this with so much certainty, and suddenly realized that I didn’t think he would leave me, either. The light feeling increased. When Iván looked up at me, I blew him another kiss and mouthed, “I mean it.”

  The meet was fun again, and I emailed pictures to Benji. I thought he would enjoy coming to one and keeping track of everyone’s personal bests and time adds and drops. When the swimming was over, we headed back to the airport, and I steeled myself for the trip home. I had no idea how I was going to get to Georgia, flying alone, but I had to do it. I stared hard out of the tiny airplane window, wishing I was one of those animals that could hibernate. Maybe a woodchuck. Benji had told me about the process in excruciating detail.

  Iván took it upon himself to distract me. “What do you think Anouk should do with the studio?”

  “Well, she should stop risking it by gambling and start paying her taxes.” The plane made a series of noises and I felt the walls close in. “Iván…”

  “It’s ok. Let me put it this way. If you were in charge of Dance by Anouk, what changes would you make?”

  I had thought about this a lot. “There are so many things. On the financial side, I would completely reorganize the billing system and update our accounting procedures. Anouk is still keeping shoeboxes of receipts. Or just wads of them in her pockets.” The more I talked and focused, the more the claustrophobia receded. Eventually I was able to let go of Iván’s hands so he could type notes into his phone. “I would remodel, for sure. The bathrooms are a disgrace. Even a new coat of paint on the door would make a big difference, and the awning is so ratty and dirty. I would think about more classes in the day for adults, not just for dance, but for exercise, too.” I went on and on. I’d had plenty of time to think about how Anouk could do things better as I struggled to patch up how things were.

  “It sounds like you should run the business,” Iván said.

  “Sure, but the whole world would be a better place if I were in charge.”

  “Maura, I’m serious. What if you and Anouk were partners?” he asked me.

  I stared at him. “She wouldn’t go for that.”

  “No, I think she would. I’ve managed to impress upon her how close to bankruptcy she is. Also, her friend Toby just got arrested in Vegas.”

  “No!” I thought. “Actually, I’m not surprised.”

  “Talk to her about it. The three of us can talk about it. But it would mean not taking jobs that you’ve been interviewing for.”

  “Iván, this studio is never going to print money.”

  “What? Are you talking about counterfeiting? Did Anouk—”

  “No, it’s an expression. I mean, it’s never going to be a huge money-maker.”

  “That’s ok,” he told me. “I don’t have that expectation. Do you? Is that what you want from your career?”

  “I want to be able to support myself and my children.”

  “I may have something to do with that, too,” he told me. “It was four, right? Four kids?” He took my hands again. My heart swelled up.

  “I was saying today what a good father you’d be,” I said, my voice a little shaky.

  “You’re right,” he told me. “I will be.”

  “The one thing you struggle with is confidence. We’ll work on that.”

  Iván leaned forward and whispered in my ear. “Sex therapy,” he said. “I have a few ideas.” He proceeded to tell me, and the temperature in the plane seemed to ratchet up a few degrees.

  We made it back, and in spite of everything I did to calm myself and Iván did to help, it wasn’t an easy trip for me. But it was better than the way down. Then we were home, getting into bed together, and that made me forget. “You seem happy,” Iván said, watching expectantly from the bed as I pulled off my sweater. Sadly for him, I had on another shirt and a tank top underneath it.

  “I feel good. Lighter,” I tried to explain. I ripped off the shirt and dove into bed. “It’s like ice in here!”

  “You’re going to love Extremadura in the summer,” he told me. I put my feet on his thigh. “Ay! Maura, my grandmother is right. Your blood is too thin.” He removed my feet from his leg and rubbed them. “What do you mean, you feel lighter? Like a weight is gone?”

  “Like that, yes, but also…kind of like I feel a glow inside. Does that make sense?”

  He nodded at me. “I think this was a good trip.”

  “I think so too. Where are your hands right now?”

  “Removing those terrible pants that you’re wearing. I already took care of my clothes.” He smiled. “I like the feel of your skin. Our skin together.”

  I helped pull the tank top over my head and pressed closer to him. “Me too.” I ran my hands down his chest, lower, to stroke between his legs. Iván made a noise like a growl and leaned his face into my neck, biting me softly. His leg hooked over my hips.

  “Harder,” he said, and his hand gripped around mine. I reached lower and played with his soft sack and he moaned.

  “Maybe my mouth,” I whispered.

  “Yessss…” he drew out, eyes closed.

  I moved down his chest and he turned onto his back. I pressed my breasts around his shaft, feeling my nipples tickle against him. He started muttering under his breath, something about leche and hostia. I licked the little drop of liquid that emerged from the head and his body shook. His hands came to my shoulders, not holding me there, but gently guiding me. I took as much of him into my mouth as I could and his hips rocked as I sucked, using my tongue to trace all the ridges and veins. His head turned from side to side on the pillow and he whispered my name. “Maura. Maura.”

  Iván turned on his side and pulled me up, my back to his chest. “We’re doing it like this,” he told me, teeth on my neck again, harder so that I gasped. “Ok?”

  “Yes. Again, please.”

  He bit again, using his tongue to soothe where he was nibbling, using his
hands to play with my nipples and the sensitive undersides of my breasts, then reaching between my legs to play there as well.

  “Come inside me,” I begged him.

  He reached for a condom and then eased in, holding me steady as I tried to push back against him. “Let me,” he said. I couldn’t keep still. I wanted him more, deeper. I reached between us and cupped his sack and he swore and thrust hard.

  He pushed the breath from my lungs. I chanted his name as he thrust, and he took my hand and put it on my own breast. “Feel yourself there.” My fingers rolled my nipple and he brought the heel of his hand between my legs. When he drove himself inside me, I rubbed hard against it.

  “I’m—I’m—” I came and he shook too, so deeply seated inside me. I was still trembling in the afterglow as he slowly pulled himself out.

  Iván held me, his chest heaving up and down. “Maura.”

  “Yes?”

  “You said your mind went somewhere else. Is that happening?”

  I picked up my head from his shoulder. His face looked so worried. “No,” I told him. “I’m right here, with you.”

  His expression cleared. “I’m here too. Always.”

  I believed him.

  chapter 17

  Anouk was cautiously glad to see Iván with me when we came in on Monday. He frowned when she lit a cigarette and she frowned back, then she very deliberately extinguished it against a crusty soup can lid on her desk and opened a pack of gum.

  “We talked about smoking around you,” he explained to me. “Around everyone in the studio.”

  Anouk rolled her eyes. “He has an idea about everything.” She snapped her gum rudely. “But I don’t mind him too much.”

  I had an idea or two myself. I had spent a few hours before my class typing up all of Iván’s notes from the plane when we had discussed possible changes to the studio, and I had come up with about 20 new thoughts as well. I sat down across from her and held up my hands.

  “What do you think, Anouk?” I asked her. “It’s going to be hard for you. I know you like things as they are, but you know it’s not working. Are you ready to make some changes?”