by Liz Flanagan
‘Hey, easy! Easy.’ Liam tried to come between us, looking freaked out. ‘She didn’t mean it, did you, Eden?’
‘She’d better bloody not have done. Because it sounded like she was saying it was my fault, what happened. My fault, for looking the teensiest bit alternative?’ I gestured at my clothes: black jeans, long black tank with the red print; not so extreme. ‘Not their fault for being aggressive Neanderthal morons who’d slam anyone who wasn’t like them!’
‘I’m sorry, J. I didn’t mean it,’ Eden said. Her drunkenness was a pale mask, only I wasn’t sure who was beneath it any more. Her mouth was slack, her hair getting tangled in her face. She was a mess. She was more of a mess than me.
I couldn’t stay angry. It’d be like kicking a toddler who’d tripped over. I waited, searching for a line to make it OK. ‘Good, cos you were beginning to sound like you’d swapped bodies with some old git. Trent maybe.’
‘Urgh, Jess. You’re twisted.’ Liam jumped gratefully onto the change of topic. ‘So you’re saying I’ve been kissing Mrs Trent? The Tank trapped in Eden’s body?’
Eden went even whiter. A hand flew to her mouth, ‘Oh, no, I’m gonna throw …’ She whirled round and leaned over the rail, puking into the overflow channel between the canal and the river.
‘I’ve got this. You wait up the steps,’ I told Liam. She wouldn’t want him seeing her like this.
Liam backed away, mouthing, ‘You sure?’
I nodded, holding Eden’s hair out of the way and rubbing her back gently until she’d finished. Then I rummaged in my backpack for a water bottle.
‘Eurgh. I hate that,’ she groaned eventually.
‘Here, hold your hands out.’ I poured water on them, so she could wipe her face.
She spat one last time, then turned and folded into herself, sliding down onto the ground and resting her pale face on her knees. ‘You’re good to me, J.’ Without opening her eyes, she reached out one damp hand. ‘Best friends?’
‘Yeah, E. Best friends,’ I replied, squeezing her cold hand gently.
We got Eden safely back to mine and up to my bedroom without waking Mum. We put her in what we thought was the recovery position, a sick bowl near her head, and covered her with a sleeping bag. We sat, one either side of her, watching over her like slightly tipsy guardian angels. Though there was nothing like seeing your best friend vomit an entire evening’s hard drinking to make you sober up fast.
‘Did she drink this much, before?’ Liam asked.
‘No. Some, at parties, but not like this,’ I whispered. The room was dim – just the glow from the blue glass lamp on my desk. I looked across at Liam, his long legs tucked up and his arms wrapped around his knees. It was very quiet: just the three of us, breathing. His eyes were large and dark, staring at me.
‘Maybe it takes the edge off it all.’
‘Yeah, and who’s gonna argue with that? As long as we’re with her, she’ll be OK.’
‘You’d better take my number,’ Liam said, uncurling and pulling out his phone. ‘Use it, any time, OK? If she needs us, we cut to the truth, right? No mucking about.’
In whispers we made a pact to work together, to tell it straight, so we could be there for Eden.
Only somewhere along the way, we must have failed.
Chapter Twenty
2.30 p.m.
Liam and I walk to the bus stop in silence. The force field pushing us apart gets stronger. I’m feeling paranoid and exposed, like I’ve lost a layer of skin. We have to wait for the bus and every second is agony. I am sure the whole town is watching us and judging. People pass, doing ordinary Friday-afternoon things: going to shops, bank, library, taxi rank. I watch and judge them right back. How can they carry on, when Eden is missing?
My phone rings. It’s Mum, again. I ignore it.
Tick, tick, tick …
Liam slouches next to me against the grimy graffitied plastic, looking at his phone and fidgeting on the spot till I want to scream at him. Blink once: he’s Eden’s anxious boyfriend, desperate to find her. Blink twice: he’s a twitchy young man with a history of violence. Someone with something to hide.
What was I thinking, last Saturday, to take my eyes off Eden? To do anything that might hurt her? Why hadn’t I seen how fragile she was? The tarot reading on Monday should’ve been my wake-up call. But she fooled me at school, all bright and breezy, and I was happy to let her, if it meant she didn’t know about me and Liam. I’d acted along with her, all bloody week.
This isn’t an ordinary mistake. This might be the biggest fail of my life. I slump there, miserably accusing myself, spinning out into a dark and hopeless pit. When the bus finally comes, I barely look up. Liam gets on. I hear him paying for us both, so I have to follow.
The bus is empty apart from an old couple and a woman with two little kids and a pushchair. Liam slides onto the back row and I sit down next to him, regretting it instantly. I cannot be this close to him. My leg touches the edge of his jeans and I jerk away, but I’m too uptight to move seats. The bus heads up out of town. It’s one of those local roads that was never meant for the twenty-first century and the bus driver has to play chicken, dodging in and out of parked cars, breaking hard and zooming suddenly if there’s a gap, scraping through the narrow bits with barely room to spare.
I’m thrown against Liam with every swerve. I peek sideways. He’s looking straight ahead, his arms rigid, gripping the seat in front. Being so close to me is clearly an ordeal for him too.
Finally the bus leaves town and heads for the moors, where the road is wider. In my mind I run through everything I’ve learned so far, revising the gathered facts. Eden went home, got changed and went out with Liam last night. They were at the skate park and the club. People must have seen them there. Around midnight, he took her home. Claire thought she heard her come in. And then something happened. By this morning she was gone. So far, so nothing. What else do I know?
I make one of my lists, only it’s not positive, it’s negative. It’s the worst list in the world – all those who could’ve hurt Eden:
1. Josh Clarkson
2. Tyler
3. Some random stranger
4. Liam Caffrey
5. Eden Holby
I need to start by ruling people out and then see what’s left.
Liam has a temper. The evidence is right in front of me – his knuckles are healing, but they’re still dotted with scabs and clouded with old bruises. When he cracks, he does it spectacularly. He’s admitted they rowed last night. Could Liam have hurt Eden and then deny it so well? I look at him and right now it’s not very hard to believe. I know he can lie. And with that scowl, he looks furious again. I can see the tension in his forearms, the outline of his bicep through his T-shirt. If he wanted to, those arms could hurt someone.
Could Liam have hit Eden, if she pushed his buttons badly enough? He once hit Josh Clarkson for threatening Nicci.
What did that say about Clarkson? Was he looking for a way to get back at Liam? How far would Josh go to punish Eden for leaving him?
What about the new lad, Tyler? He was Eden’s choice last Saturday. Did he come looking for her? I know almost nothing about him and it’s driving me mad.
I remember something.
‘Liam! Liam!’ I tap his arm, awkwardness forgotten. ‘What was Eden wearing on her feet?’
He looks at me like I’ve gone mad. ‘I dunno. I did the list for Eden’s dad – jeans, red top, black hoodie …’
‘Yeah, I know, but what about her shoes?’
‘What about her shoes?’
‘It’s important. I saw something at Eden’s today.’ I don’t want to give him options in case he just grabs one to shut me up.
‘It’s not the kind of thing I notice, girls’ shoes.’
I tut. ‘Oh, come on, drop that crap. Just think!’
‘All right, if I have to, it was probably her sandal things.’
‘Colour?’
‘Maybe red?’
Liam’s ignoring me. He’s gone somewhere inside himself, staring out of the window.
I notice with a jolt where we are, press the bell and jump to my feet. ‘It’s our stop.’
We get off and start down the little side lane that leads to the waterfall. I’m so lost in thought I just drift after him.
When I come to, Liam has pulled way ahead of me. He’s striding fast, and his shoulders are stooped under all that weight. Soon he’s just a little stickman on a narrow road to nowhere. I let him go.
Either side of us, the moorland is broad and sloping. You can see for ever up here. You can see where glaciers carved out the valleys and smoothed the hills. The fields flow down like breaking waves. We’re so high it’s all sky, plunging fields and lonely moor, just that ruined barn on the opposite hill. It’s the kind of landscape you either love or hate. It’s majestic or it’s oppressive. It could drive you mad – all the miles and miles of emptiness reminding you how small we are.
The track loops around the shoulder of the next hill and Liam vanishes. I remember what happened last time we were here.
Early August, the weather picked up again. I was working the lunch shift at the café, feeling my shirt sticking to my back.
Liam came in to collect his wages. ‘Hey up, Jess. Bit quiet, isn’t it?’
‘Duh. Anyone with any sense is outside.’ I spoke quietly, but the only customers – a couple at the back table – weren’t listening to us anyway.
‘That’s where I’m headed. Sorry. Only an hour to go, eh?’
‘Yeah, but it’s not exactly flying by. Dev’s got me multitasking.’ I pointed at the line of plastic cups on the worktop. ‘I’m supposed to be naming the new smoothie range. Then drawing it all up on this blackboard.’ I gestured at him feebly with an orange chalk.
‘Good luck with that. Hey, did you see Eden last night – how was she doing?’
‘OK, bit quiet, but all right, I think.’ This is what me and Liam did now: spoke most days, swapping notes. It was two months since Iona’s death and nothing Eden did was predictable. ‘She had a new box set, we watched some o’ that. You seeing her later?’
‘Dunno. She’s not replied yet.’ He pulled his phone out to double-check. ‘You want a hand with this then?’
‘God, yeah. I’m stuck. Everything sounds lame. Mango madness? I mean, really? Problem is, they look like poisons … My head’s stuck on a crime theme.’
He came around the counter to join me, eyeing up the drinks.
‘More like Killer kiwi?’ Liam said, getting it.
‘Here, what about this one?’ I handed him one. ‘Try. It might be your last mistake,’ I said in my best film-trailer voice.
He took a sip.
‘Strawberry silencer?’ I timed it so he’d just swallowed.
He spluttered, spraying the worktop with bright pink gloop.
‘You’ve done it now. Dev’ll go mad. That so contravenes all his favourite hygiene regs.’ I grabbed the anti-bac spray from the sink and pointed it at him. ‘Freeze!’
Liam was still coughing, so I slapped him on the back, giggling. ‘I did warn you!’
‘What’s going on here?’ Eden’s voice carried across from the open doorway. ‘Having fun?’
We straightened up, lost the laughs.
Eden came slowly closer, looking from my face to Liam’s and back again. ‘I thought you weren’t working today, Liam?’
‘I’m not, just collecting my …’
‘He’s not, just helping me with …’
We spoke at the same time and then petered out. I felt like a guilty kid caught stealing the best biscuits.
An awkward silence followed.
‘So, anyway, now we’re all here,’ she said breezily, ‘together …’ I could hear her forcing it, ‘look at the weather. So, what are we going to do?’ Eden demanded.
‘Er, still working over here?’ I said, wiping down the worktop.
‘Come on, let’s get out there. We’ve got to make the most of this summer. You know, before it hits us.’
‘What, exactly? The unbearable pointlessness of GCSE year?’ I smiled at her to dispel the awkwardness, glad to see her smile back. I leaned on the counter by the till. ‘So what’s your plan?’
‘We’ll go to the waterfall. I brought towels, spare bikini, come on!’ She knew how to tempt me.
‘I’m in,’ Liam said, walking around to join her. ‘But you can keep your bikini, ta: I’ve got shorts. And there’s leftovers, Dev said. We can have a picnic.’
Dev was dead strict about use-by dates and we often got day-old stuff to take home. ‘Looks like a proper feast.’
‘Yay! See, it was meant to be. And guess what I’ve got?’ Eden whispered, eyes shining, gesturing at her backpack.
‘Magic monkeys to fly us there?’
‘Champagne! I nicked two bottles.’
‘Yeah, cos your folks have got an actual wine cellar. Flippin’ heck.’ Liam rolled his eyes but squeezed her in a quick hug.
‘Come on then,’ Eden said.
‘Jess’s got an hour to go. Why don’t we help her finish this?’ Liam suggested.
Eden didn’t seem to hear him. ‘Let’s go to the park while we wait.’ She was already heading for the door.
The next hour went very slowly. I finished naming the smoothies with cheerful kids-party lettering and tried not to wonder what Eden and Liam were doing.
After my shift, we caught the bus up the hill. The late-afternoon air was so thick and golden it felt like warm honey on my bare patterned skin. We rushed down the narrow stone path, squeezed between two green fields, pushing back the cow parsley that hung down into our faces.
My excitement grew with the noise of the falls. I’d been coming here all my life: it symbolized the best of the summer holidays. When we got there, there were just a few families left, packing up. Soon we had the place to ourselves: the basin of water and the sheeting white falls. There was a circle of perfect blue sky between the high banks, edged with green leaves where the sycamore and silver-birch trees leaned in, moss and ferns on the lower levels.
It felt like a magic spell fell on us then. Maybe it was the light: that syrupy golden warmth, with seeds and blossom floating around through the haze.
Eden had a rug. ‘This is it: we know how to do it in style. Towel for you, Jess!’ She chucked it over with her spare bikini. I managed to shimmy into it under my dress.
Eden was stunning in her white bikini, showing off her golden tan, and I tried not to mind how milky my skin looked next to hers. Liam stripped to his shorts. I averted my eyes.
‘Liam, go stick this bottle in the river, for later? It’s gotta be cold as ice.’
When he was back, Eden looked at us, with a serious expression on her face. ‘I want to, y’know, propose a toast. I know it’s not been easy for you two, putting up with me this summer—’
‘Hey, don’t say that,’ I butted in.
‘Don’t interrupt me! It’s hard enough as it is.’ Her eyes were big and bright and I could see this mattered to her. ‘I just wanted to say thanks. And you’re the best. Cheers!’ She lifted the bottle and then popped the cork before we could reply, spraying us both lightly with fizz.
‘Cheers!’ I leaned in and kissed her cheek, tasting sun cream and salt, our sunglasses clashing. ‘And you’re welcome,’ I whispered. ‘What else would we do?’ Then she was passing me the heavy bottle, sun glinting off its gold foil.
Afterwards, we all leaned back on our elbows in the sunshine. The light made rose fractals on my eyelids. The champagne made my body hum with warmth. The best bit of the magic spell was Ed
en and her good mood. She was her old self, like before Iona died. Funny, but not unkind. She never used to be unkind.
‘What could be more perfect? Being here with my two favourite people,’ Eden said, lying back and closing her eyes, her fingers finding Liam’s on the rug.
Liam was restless. The champagne turned his dial up three notches. He couldn’t sit still and he couldn’t stop talking, endlessly changing the subject. ‘Hey, did you hear Dev banging on about his new menu yesterday?’ he asked me. ‘That guy thinks he’s on MasterChef.’ Then he made us laugh, with his deadpan, brilliant impressions of all the other staff in the café. Next he mocked the tourists who expected London wherever they went. ‘No, we don’t do skinny soy lattes. Milk or no milk – your call. Hey, who’s hungry?’
We ate with our fingers straight from the ice-cream tubs: quiches and nearly stale wraps stuffed with olives and feta and roasted peppers. There was half a cheesecake, topped with strawberries – on the turn, Dev’d said, but it seemed fine to me. It collapsed into my lap and I had to wipe it off my scrawny white thighs.
Eden was licking her fingers, sticky and sweet, still elegant as a cat.
‘I’ll leave you to it. I need a swim,’ I told them.
Liam looked up as I got to my feet. His eyes had a question in them. For a second I thought he was going to come with me. But then Eden reached out and took his hand, and he sat back down on the rug.
I took my time, finding the spot. You had to know this place well, where to jump from. If you got it wrong, you could break an ankle on the stone shelves jutting out under the black peaty water. I checked for thistles, stepping carefully in bare feet through long grass onto the ledge. I looked down at the pool. The water looked like Irn-Bru in the shallows, turning to oily darkness in the depths. I took a breath and leaped – a blink of thrill, falling through air – then the shock of the cold, feet crunching on gravel and silt. I pushed up and out, spitting out water, that cool, weedy, dank smell. I shook my head, buzzing with the cold, and dived back under the water.
After a few strokes I glanced up at the high bank, at their long bodies entwined on the rug. Liam was lying on Eden, holding her face in his hands. I looked away, squashing down a sudden rush of something sharp and bitter that rose inside me.