by Buhl, Sarah
“Well, I saw that new alien movie. That was cool,” my dad said.
“Okay, that doesn’t help. Something else,” I said as I leaned my head back against the wall and noticed the cracked ceiling tile above me. With a sigh, I lowered my head and saw Toby and Gabe’s friend Karl walking toward us. He carried a box in one hand and a bag similar to mine in the other. When he saw me, he smiled. His brow furrowed as he smiled. The furrowed brow was just his way, as if he saw something not apparent to the rest of us.
“Hi,” he said as he nodded at me with a concerned expression.
“Hello,” I said, and I wanted to cry. I don’t know why seeing him looking at me that way made everything come crashing into reality. He was a stranger. He didn’t know what I was going through, but he paused and saw I needed something more than what I experienced sitting there with my parents.
My life shelf rattled with all my plans shaking on it. They could fall to the floor and there was nothing I could do about it. My future hung in the air and everything I had once planned now threatened to lay in pieces around my feet.
My parents both looked back and forth between Karl and me, no doubt wondering how I knew him.
“Mom, Dad, this is Karl. He’s a friend of Gabe and Toby,” I said. I pushed the tears away—though it was difficult. He just kept looking at me. He nodded to both my parents in greeting.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
I let out a light, bitter, laugh and pulled my lip in as I fought the tears that proved to be stronger than me. They traced down my cheeks and I moved my head in one slight motion to say, “No.”
Karl squat down in front of me without another word. He just sank to his knees and took my hand.
Karl was a stranger, but in that moment he made all the pieces of my future less important and more valued.
4
Karl
Winter Last Year
After Blake’s prodding, I decided I would attend the Christmas party at Wynn’s apartment. It was the last night before he and Hannah moved their final items into their new house. I hadn’t wanted to come since I didn’t know Wynn well. We had met a couple times at the gallery, but that was it.
I walked the street, looking for his address. Blake and Gabe both had offered a ride, but I wanted to walk. I was trying to acclimate myself to the colder weather. I planned to camp out this weekend, and I knew if I were to be outdoors, I couldn’t be as soft as I had been.
A guy that was tall and thin stood outside Wynn’s building as I approached the final street. I watched from the other side of the crosswalk, waiting for the light to change. The man argued with a girl with jet black hair. She waved at her pants and I noticed she wore tall boots. They were the kind I knew were expensive because my younger sister had to buy them. I couldn’t recall the name, but I knew it was a ridiculous use of money.
Sympathy filled me for the guy. It couldn’t be easy being with her.
I crossed the street, and as I drew closer I could hear their argument.
“I can’t go in like this,” the girl said as she waved her hands to her jeans. “I can’t believe I did that.”
Okay, they weren’t arguing. But it was obvious the girl’s pissed off demeanor came from her outfit being a mess.
“It will be fine, Maggie. It’s our friends. They won’t care that your pants are muddy.”
“Whatever. I’m just annoyed. I know they won’t care. I don’t care about the jeans. I’m pissed that I fell.”
I waited for them to move out of the way so I could open the door. I nodded to them and then to the door, waiting for their understanding to sink in. I needed to get past them.
I smiled at the girl. She was pretty, but she also tried to be pretty. She adorned herself with items she thought held value, thinking items added value to her. I hoped my smile was genuine. Even for people like her, I had to smile. They needed it the most.
She gave me angry eyes at first, but I saw something behind them. Fear—not fear of me, but fear of the unknown. Fear of what happened to her and why. She acknowledged the fear but was lost to it.
I stepped between them and opened the door to the old warehouse building. I held it open and waited for both of them to enter. The guy gave me a nod, and a thankful smile.
We stood in the lobby and waited in silence for the freight elevator to make its way down to us. I smiled at the girl again. She smiled back at me with a less fearful expression.
I opened the gates to the elevator and stepped in. As I went in, I stumbled over the gap between the elevator and the floor. I saw the gap as soon as the door opened. I hoped making myself fall might take away some of that fear in her eyes.
The stumble was on purpose. I didn’t miss something and trip over an edge. I always saw everything and I saw that gap between the elevator and the floor. Situational awareness had been engrained in me, and it couldn’t be turned off. Being aware of everything became a part of each and every moment.
The girl made me even more aware. It was the quiet intensity she held behind her eyes that made me want to see her through whatever fear she tried to hide.
She grabbed my arm as I fell forward. I caught myself at the same time she put her other hand on my arm to steady me.
The guy and I laughed in unison. She gave me an empathetic smile.
“Thank you,” I said, and put my hand toward her to shake. “My name’s Karl.”
“Maggie,” she said. “This is Toby.”
Toby put his hand out and I shook it. I noticed she had a firmer shake than he did. I could tell from his smile he was a nice guy. He was kind of like a kid in an adult body. That wasn’t a bad thing at all. His life hadn’t tainted him.
She was different.
She didn’t have the innocence Toby had, but she hadn’t hardened to the world either. But, she was oblivious to the part of the world outside her scope of existence.
I don’t know why the need to ease her mind about falling surfaced—but it did. I wanted her to feel less alone.
“So, how do both of you know Wynn?” I asked. I assumed that’s where they were going since neither asked for a different floor.
“Oh, he’s married to my cousin,” Maggie said. I wondered if her given name was Maggie or Margaret.
“I met Hannah once,” I said. “She’s a great human being.”
Maggie gave me a skeptical look, and then scowled at Toby.
“Yes, she is,” Toby said. He gave a scowl back to Maggie. “She’s one of the best.”
They were an odd couple—or they were normal and I was the odd one.
When the elevator jerked to a stop, I opened the gate and let the two of them off first. I could follow in after them and not have a dramatic entrance. I could sneak in without notice and mingle. That’s how I preferred it. All the greetings and hugs were too much sometimes.
I spotted Blake and Gabe and made my way over to them.
“Karl, how’s it going man?” Blake asked.
“Well, since I last saw you a couple hours ago? It’s been good.”
Gabe laughed. “So we going out after this?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m up for it,” I said.
Gabe looked past me and smiled, “Magpie!”
I turned to see Maggie walking toward us. Gabe leaned down and picked her up and swatted her butt before kissing her cheek. “How have you been girl? I missed you at work this week.”
“I’m good. I’ve missed you, too. But when I’m told to take my vacation time before Christmas, who am I to disagree?”
Toby walked up behind her and nodded to both Gabe and Blake.
“Hey Blake,” Maggie said after Gabe set her down.
“Hey yourself,” Blake said with a flirtatious grin. He always did that. I used to be that way. Then I decided I wasn’t that person. That wasn’t the human being I needed to be.
I left them to reunite. There weren’t many people there. Many of them were other artists. Then I saw someone I hadn’t seen in years.
/> “Emmet McNett—how are you doing man? How’s Conall?” I asked.
“Karl? Man, you’ve grown up,” he said while pulling me in for a hug. “I’m good. Conall’s good. He’d love to see you, man.” He let go of me and kept his hands on my shoulders as he examined me. His eyes stopped on every one of the small scars across my forehead and upper cheek. None of them were deep, but they left their own marks. Those people that knew me before noticed them.
The new people I meet see them as part of my face. They were always there as long as they knew me so they didn’t stand out. But, those that knew me before—they were like a flashing sign directing them to thoughts occupied by the questions of what happened and what I did.
“You look good man,” he said in a quiet tone as if he were questioning why he said it.
I knew I didn’t look good. But inside, I was good for the first time since returning. I remembered myself.
“Well, tell Conall to get in touch with me. I’m always at the gallery or down at Henley’s,” I said.
“Okay, I will.” He gave me a nod. I was getting a lot of those tonight. A woman stepped up to him. She was older and had salt and pepper hair that draped to her waist. She reminded me of my aunt.
“My name’s Petra,” she said. “Hello, Emmet.” She gave him a smile. “What do we call you?” she asked me.
I laughed. “My name’s Karl.”
“I’ve not met you before.”
“No, I came back last year, and I’ve been around. I just haven’t come to functions like this often.”
“Came back?” she asked.
“Yes, I came home July last year, and I moved back home,” I said.
She smiled at me and put her hand on my shoulder. “Well, welcome to the family.”
I didn’t understand what she meant by that, but it felt good to hear it. I knew many of the people from the Böhme, though not well, but to refer to them as family felt right.
I spoke with them for a while longer before taking a seat on the couch. I sat in my silence, looking at Wynn’s photos that still decorated his wall. There was an awesome shot of Hannah sitting in a windowsill, with sunlight streaming in. You could see how beautiful Wynn found her in that photo alone. But, the photo that held my interest was of Hannah and Maggie. It looked as though it was from Hannah and Wynn’s wedding.
Hannah and Maggie sat on a porch swing. Hannah’s hair held flowers in it, and Maggie’s was pulled to the side. She wore one small sunflower above her ear. Maggie’s head rested on Hannah’s shoulder and Hannah rested her head on Maggie’s.
Through the quietness of the photo, I could feel the wind that blew through their hair. I closed my eyes and imagined what that felt like—sitting there on that sun-drenched porch, smelling the air of the outdoors.
The scent of the wind calmed me. It was why I needed to go back this weekend. I had to do it. This winter wasn’t as cold as it could be and I wanted to sleep under the stars again.
The couch cushion moved next to me and I opened my eyes.
“That was such a beautiful day,” Maggie said, pointing at the photograph.
“It looks like it was,” I said.
“She’s my cousin and my best friend. I adore her,” she said and I could see by the look in her eyes that she meant her words.
“I understand that,” I said.
Maggie met my eyes. “Where are you from Karl?”
“I’m from here and I’m from everywhere, just like everyone else.”
She rolled her eyes and laughed.
“What does that even mean?” she asked.
“I don’t know. I just like to say it,” I said with a wink.
She shook her head. “You’re strange.”
“Thank you.”
She laughed. “What do you do?”
“What do I do?”
“Yes, what do you do—other than repeat questions,” she asked with a crooked smile.
“I work with Blake and his father’s roofing company. I’ve been there a couple weeks.”
“Okay, what’d you do before that?” she asked.
“I was in the military.”
“Oh,” she said.
There it is—the look where the person doesn’t know what to say next. Do they thank me for my service? Do they ask if I was overseas? Did I go to war? Do they ask if I killed someone? Did I have P.T.S.D? Each of those questions ran through her head and across her face.
Instead of keeping the uncomfortable emptiness between us, I followed her lead of questioning. I hated asking what people did as a job.
“What do you do?” I asked.
She smiled. “I work at Smithson Advertising.”
Pride filled her eyes when she spoke. I knew the confusion flashed through mine.
“Is this something that makes you proud?” I asked.
“Yes, it does. I worked hard to get my position. I love my job.”
I hated her job. It represented everything wrong with the world. She worked at a place that pushed for profits based on manipulating the masses. They were the modern propaganda machine—influencing and changing the thoughts of people, just to make money off them.
I sighed. I ran my hand through my hair and studied the ceiling as I held in my thoughts. I tried to hide my opinion from my face.
“You don’t feel the same way, do you?” she asked. I failed at hiding my opinion from my face.
I sighed again and laughed a bitter laugh. “No, I don’t see the value in the job after what I’ve seen in life. You know, trying to sell shitty food and clothes made by slave labor to overfed consumers doesn’t hold much appeal to me now.”
Her jaw dropped open, and I shrugged before standing from the couch. I needed to leave before I said something I’d regret.
5
Maggie
Fall
“Maggie Presley?” a woman in scrubs said from a doorway across the waiting room.
I nodded and grabbed my bag to get my CD out. I rifled through it until I found it.
“Oh, I forgot they let you bring these now,” Karl said, still sitting on the floor in front of me. He opened his bag and pulled out a disc of his own. “Do me a favor—listen to mine instead. I’m sure you picked out the perfect songs for wallowing as you lie in there, but these will be better.”
I looked down at the disc and back up at him. I wasn’t sure if I should trust his choice in music for this venture, but as his smile warmed me, I decided to trust him. “Okay, but if this music pisses me off, I won’t let you down easy.”
“Sounds good,” he said as he stood and took my hand to pull me up. Then he hugged me. His hug surprised me. Not because he did it, but my reaction to it. It felt like the hug of an old friend. It felt warm and welcoming—like an end of a storm. “Listen to the lyrics of the first one on there—listen to all of them, but that first one—that’s a good one for today.”
I gave him a skeptical smile as he took my now vacant seat between my parents. “You’re staying?” I asked.
“Yes, I am.” He gave a swift nod to both of my parents, “If the two of you don’t mind?”
My mom wore a confused expression and shook her head while my dad laughed. He slapped his hand on Karl’s leg. “Not a problem,” my dad said.
“Maggie?” the woman asked as I stepped closer to the door.
I nodded.
“Okay, just follow me.”
We stepped through the doors, and there were two chairs next to each other. She sat in one as she waved to the other for me to sit.
“I have a few questions to ask, and then we’ll get started, okay?” she asked with a smile.
I nodded.
She asked me several questions about metal in the body, tattoos, piercings, if I had an underwire bra on. I took in my clothes and laughed.
“I forgot to put a bra on,” I said.
“Well, that helps.” She looked me over. “Do you have something on under the sweatshirt?” she asked.
“Yep, my tank to
p.”
“Okay, just take the hoodie off and you won’t need to change at all. You can follow me in.” She started toward the door, and then stopped, “Oh, I almost forgot your music. I love having this ability now. I got sick of trying to get the radio stations to come in. I think music is needed while people are in here. Sometimes it can take a while.” She stopped speaking again and put her hand on my shoulder. “I saw this is your first MRI and I should’ve said something sooner. It can be loud and I’m sure you’re nervous for a variety of reasons, but I like to encourage patients just to keep their eyes closed and pretend they’re on the beach. A cold beach,” she said with a laugh as we entered the room.
She situated me on the table and lifted my legs to put something under my knees.
“Okay, here are your headphones. I will go ahead and move you into the scanner, and then I will leave the room. You will be able to hear me over the headphones. I’ll step out, take the scans, and then I have to come back in and give you an injection of contrast. Okay?” she asked. “Do you have questions?”
“Yes, I do. What’s your name?”
“I’m so sorry; I forgot about that. My name is Shelly. So remember that if you need me you can say something, and I will hear you.” She gave my hand a pat. “You’ve got this.”
I breathed in deep as she pressed some buttons on a control pad that moved me into the machine.
There was complete silence for several moments as she left the room and I assumed she closed the large door. The silence was killing me. I just wanted the music to start.
“Okay Maggie, we’re starting now,” Shelly said over a loudspeaker in the tunnel like structure she had inserted me.
Then a melody began and a woman’s airy voice sang. I kept my eyes pinched shut and tried not to let tears fall as I listened to the song, but it was in vain. I just let them fall and remained as still as I needed to be for the scan. The words strung a perfect pattern in my chest as I grasped at keeping my emotions in check. I felt as the singer did. The song picked up, and a smile formed on my face because it felt like she wrote it for me and this moment.