by Buhl, Sarah
“But, will her parents be with you at Gabe’s?” he asked.
I laughed. “No, but Gabe will be there.”
Pike laughed. “Like Gabe is a good chaperone.”
“Chaperone? If you’re that concerned, why don’t you come with me?” I asked with a grin.
“Sure. I’m betting I would be the life of the party.” He snorted, taking a seat on his couch and flipping through television channels. He stopped on a cartoon.
“It’s not a party. She’s going through some heavy stuff and trying to sort out her thoughts. She just wants to not think. I can understand that,” I said.
“Can’t we all? We’ve all been there at some point. Part of me thinks I should envy those that have never experienced shit in life, but then I remember that the shit in life is what has polished me. Some think of the shit as breaking you down, but it refines you, makes you sharper.”
“I agree. Whatever this is that she is going through has her wound even tighter,” I said. “But, I’m heading out and I’m crashing at Gabe’s tonight, so don’t wait up, okay Pops?”
“Don’t freakin’ call me that. I’m no one’s Pops.” He rested his head on the back of the couch and kicked his feet up on the coffee table.
“Then I must be no one.” I winked.
I left his house and began my ten block hike to Gabe’s. I never took the bus or a taxi. I walked so much when I was overseas, I couldn’t just ride.
I was grateful for every step I took. I needed to be for Jackson. It was because of him I could walk this distance. It was a simple choice he made that put him in the wheelchair and not me. So with every fall of my feet, I thanked him and I thanked the universe. I cherished my life.
7
Maggie
Fall
My phone rang, and I knew by The Walking Dead theme song playing it was Hannah. My heart grew when I heard that song.
“Hannah!” I said as I answered the call.
“Maggie!” she said in response.
“I’m so happy to hear your voice. I miss your face like hell,” I said. Hannah was my best friend and we had been through a great deal together. Her absence wasn’t a shock—she started her life with Wynn. They had a child now. I understood she needed her time.
“I miss yours too. What’re you doing tonight? We have a sitter. Petra and Sid are watching Smee for us. I need to see adults. I’d prefer adults ready to drink and dance,” Hannah said.
“Well, then you need to come to Gabe’s. I told him I was coming over to drink Jameson with him and Karl.”
Hannah laughed. “First, Jameson? Second—how did Karl get involved in this?”
“I ran into him at the hospital today when I was there for my MRI. He went to lunch with me and the parents. I drank some beer; he told me Jameson was better, so I want to drink some.”
“Well, okay then. What time?” she asked.
“I’m getting ready to shower, try to make myself presentable, and then I’m heading over.”
“You want us to pick you up?” she asked. “I’d like to see Aunt Rebecca and Uncle James.”
“Oh, that would be divine. I thought of having them drive me over,” I laughed.
“Okay, we will see you tout de suite,” she said. “I love you, Mags.”
“I love you, too.”
I sighed after ending the call. I focused on my reflection and the feet that failed to listen.
Lift.
Lift.
Lift.
No matter how many times I told my feet to do it, they didn’t listen, and it pissed me off.
I pulled my jeans from the closet and found a tee shirt in my drawer. I would dress somewhat respectable, but not go overboard.
I showered as fast as possible. I used to take long showers; now I needed to speed through them. I didn’t want to look too long at the body that betrayed me.
When I finished, I dressed and returned to my room. I sat on the floor in front of my mirror and studied my face. The longer I stared, the more disconnected I grew. My body—the cage— trapped me and ignored my pleas to be freed.
People always say it’s all in your head and how we think about things. If you think you’re defeated, then you’re defeated. Fucking defeated was a great description of me now. I wasn’t strong enough to believe I could achieve anything more. So, my own demise was my fault on both fronts. The body betrayed me and now my own will did.
But, I refused to look like shit tonight as I spiraled into oblivion. I threw the tee shirt off and grabbed one of my nicer shirts—a tank top with flowers and lace. It flowed just right and reminded me of happy days on my aunt’s farm with Hannah and Lily when we were kids.
Those were the best times. We dreamed of being something and I became something. I had the job I always wanted, and I needed to remember that. I will get back to that job. This is just a stepping stone.
See, I could be determined. Maybe my will is still there?
I combed through my hair and left it down for a change. I worked hard to get it to this length. Okay, maybe I didn’t work hard. I just let it grow and forgot to make appointments to cut it.
I brushed my bangs down. They now came to my chin and the rest of my hair fell past my shoulders to the center of my back. I grabbed a pair of scissors to give myself a trim.
I laughed when I finished. My bangs were too short and choppy. But, they were me in this moment and I liked them.
I finished my makeup just as a knock sounded at my door.
I stood to run to the door and my foot gave out on me as I stepped. I fell into the door frame of my bedroom and my dad and mom came running. “I’m fine. My foot’s just asleep.” I lied.
I needed to see Hannah.
I opened the door to her and Wynn. She pulled me into her and squeezed me in the way I always loved. She knew how to hug me. I cried because I didn’t realize how much I missed her until that moment. My tears fell and she didn’t hide from them. She held me as I once held her. We stood there, holding each other. I was her strength once and in her unquestioning embrace, she was now mine.
“It feels so good to see your face,” I said into her shoulder.
“Well, you haven’t seen it much,” Wynn said with a laugh. He ran his hand down my back and I loved it. I loved them.
“I saw it, though,” I said as I dropped my hug with her and pulled Wynn in for one. “I missed both of you.”
“We missed you, too,” Wynn said. He let go of the hug. I knew he wouldn’t hold it long. It was just his way. “So what’s this I hear about Gabe and Jameson?” he asked.
“Karl said I need to try it, so I figured what better night than tonight.”
“I will abstain, but you guys can knock yourselves out. Which I think is what will happen with you and Hannah.”
“Oh, shut it mister,” Hannah said with a kiss to his cheek. She took my hand and pulled me back into the apartment. “Where are my aunt and uncle?”
“In here,” my mom said from Hannah’s old room.
We walked into the room, and Hannah jumped on the bed and settled down between my parents.
“Do you remember the time we had a sleepover, and we watched Friday the 13th? You two woke up in the morning with me lying just like this,” Hannah said before she folded herself into the fetal position between them.
“Yes, we remember that, Hannah. You were there, and Lily and Maggie were at our feet like little puppies,” my mom said.
Wynn laughed. “Is this what we have to look forward to if we have a girl someday?” he asked.
“Yes, that’s what you have to look forward to. Also, the teenage years and puberty are hell. They were some of the darkest days for me,” my dad said.
“Whatever, Dad,” I said. “Mom, did you see where I put my flats?”
“Yeah, they are in the living room behind the couch. You threw them the other day in one of your fits,” she said, giving Hannah a knowing look.
“She threw shoes in anger?” Hannah asked as she sat
up in bed. She crossed her ankles and leaned against the headboard, mimicking my parents.
“Yes, she did. It pissed her off that they are the only ones other than her slipper boots she can wear.”
“Enough, Mom. I don’t want to talk about that now.”
I walked into the living room to put on my shoes. I knew Hannah and my mom were discussing the throwing of my shoes, and I didn’t want to see their expressions.
Wynn came into the living room behind me.
He remained silent. I loved him all the more for it. He walked to my bookshelf and picked up my wooden music box.
“I never noticed this before,” he said.
“It wasn’t here before. My mom brought it with her. She used to play it for me when I was little—to put me to sleep. I still get drowsy when I hear it now,” I said as I pushed the couch out from the wall farther so I could walk behind it to get my shoes.
“May I wind it up?” he asked.
“Is putting me to sleep your intention?” I asked, and we both laughed.
“You’re too wired to sleep,” he said.
“You’re right.”
He wound the box and Over the Rainbow played. He set it on the shelf as Hannah entered the room. She smiled down at me and put her hand out as she sang along with it.
“Dance with me, cousin.”
I shook my head. I didn’t want to dance. Even attempting to play dance reminded me of how my legs no longer listened.
“Okay, your loss,” she said as she turned to Wynn. He stood with the usual Wynn stiffness as she sang to him and lifted his hands, moving around him. He twirled her every so often as he smiled at her.
Their love had deepened since last I saw them. The birth of Smee had tightened their already strong bond. Wynn remained true to himself—but where I once saw walls, he now had up boundaries that could be passed through with ease. He was no longer impenetrable and my cousin had everything to do with it. But, he gave her something in return as well.
Hannah had let go of the pain she carried for the last few years. The burden had lifted and she was free. Wynn liberated her.
“Thank you, Wynn,” I said and he gave me a questioning look as I smiled.
I finished putting my shoes on and stood from the couch.
“Damn it, I missed you,” I said putting my hand toward Hannah to take. She gave me her usual Hannah smile, before she dipped me and kissed my cheek.
“Not half as much as I missed you,” she said on a laugh. “Let’s go, shall we? I told Wynn I was on a date with you this evening.”
“Yes, she did,” Wynn said as he opened the door and we left the apartment.
“Love you lots,” I yelled to my parents.
“And we love you, sweetie,” my mom said.
I shut the door and faced the stairs. They were an endless stream of fear. But, my will was stronger than them. It had to be. I took the first step down and felt the tightness in my calves and ignored it. If I couldn’t control it, I’d just ignore it until it became habit and white noise. Ignoring it made it bearable—out of sight out of mind. Out of thought, it doesn’t exist anymore.
__________
“Maggie, your bangs are amazing,” Gabe said as he opened the door and pulled me in for a hug.
“Thank you,” I said as I dropped the hug. “I cut them myself.”
He jerked his head back in surprise. “Okay?” he said in confusion.
“Yep, now what are we up to tonight?” I asked, stepping into his apartment and ignoring his reaction.
Blake stood from the couch with a woman who was about the same height as me. I loved her just by her demeanor alone. “Maggie, this is Brecken. I don’t think you two have met yet.”
“No, we haven’t. But, Gabe and Hannah have told me about you,” I said as I pulled her in for a hug. “It’s nice to meet you.”
She laughed a loud, full laugh that made me feel the same warmth my close friends brought with them. “Yes, it’s nice to meet you too, Maggie. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“Why’d we take so long to meet then? I love the fact you make me feel less alone around all these tall people,” I said.
Karl walked from the back of Gabe’s apartment and smiled when he saw me. There was that warmth again. “I’m not that tall either,” he said as he smiled at me and pulled me in for a hug.
It was the second time he hugged me and it felt like the most natural thing in the world. There was nothing to it but a deep friendship and bond. I didn’t know what the bond was, but it began when he found me in that waiting room. “Thank you,” I whispered into his neck.
He turned his chin to my ear. “Are you thanking me for not being as tall as the rest of them?”
I laughed. “Well yes, thank you for that and for being there today. You didn’t have to do it, and it meant more because you wanted to.”
“You’re welcome,” he whispered and kissed my temple before letting me go. I paused for a moment, my hands on his arms and let the peaceful feeling pass through me.
Everyone in the room stared at us. Twin smiles formed on Hannah and Brecken. They looked at each other and then back toward me, the smiles staying in place.
I shook my head. I knew what they were thinking, and they were wrong. Karl was my friend. I think he was one of my closest and our friendship formed only today. I smiled to myself— I think it began last winter when he didn’t hold back telling me his thoughts about my job.
“Let’s begin, shall we?” I asked.
“I need to pump first,” Hannah said as she grabbed the black bag from Wynn. “You ladies want to keep me company?” she asked.
I laughed. “For real?”
“Yes, it’s funny to watch,” Brecken said. “But let’s get a drink first. We’ll hold yours for you, Hannah, while we wait,” she said with a wink. I liked her.
We poured three shots of whiskey and followed Hannah into Gabe’s bedroom.
“This is weird, Hannah,” I said, as she turned on the machine and resembled a milk cow.
“This isn’t weird, Mags. This is natural.”
“Hooking up to a machine and pumping milk out of your breasts is natural?” I asked with a laugh.
“Well no, but breast milk is.”
“Whatever,” I said with my eyebrows raised.
“Okay, what should we drink to?” Brecken asked. “Wait, first I have to ask what the hug with Karl was. Because it was one of the cutest damn things I’ve seen in a while.” Her voice was amazing. I always enjoyed hearing women with raspy voices.
“It was what it was. He’s a good friend,” I said.
“Okay, to good friends then,” Brecken said as she raised her shot.
I raised mine and drank it at the same time as her.
I coughed from downing it. “Holy shit that burns,” I said through my coughing fit.
There was a knock at the door. “Are you guys okay in there?” Gabe asked.
“Yes, Maggie just took her first shot,” Hannah yelled. The scene was comical—her holding these plastic things up to her breasts and laughing. It was as natural looking as she said. She was a mom, and it suited her. She never spoke of being one when we were kids, but seeing her now, it was right.
“You’re fuller now,” I said to Hannah.
“Well yes, that’s what happens when I go three hours without emptying these babies,” she said, nodding at her breasts.
I laughed. “No, I mean you are fuller all around—like your spirit is no longer deflated.”
She smiled at me. “Thank you for saying that, Maggie. I’ve been thinking about Lily a lot the last few weeks. It’s been three years now and I don’t remember the bad as much anymore. I remember the happy times more from when we were kids.”
“That makes me happy to hear that. That’s what is different; the guilt isn’t there anymore,” I said.
“It isn’t. Since having Smee, I’ve been thinking about innocence more. He’s so fucking beautiful, sweet, innocent, and he’s perfect.
I know he will fuck up someday, just like every other person on this planet. He’s perfect in his imperfections. We all are. So, if I can love him with that kind of unconditional love, I need to share some of it with myself,” Hannah said.
“I’ll drink to that,” Brecken said with a wink and took Hannah’s shot.
I stood and leaned over Hannah to kiss her head. “I will too, but first I need to get another shot to do it.”
I walked from the room and joined the guys in the living room.
“You ready to take a shot with me, Karl?” I asked, nodding my head toward the kitchen. “We have to drink to innocence.”
“I wasn’t planning on drinking much this evening, but that is a toast I can drink to,” he said, standing from the couch and following me.
I poured our shots and handed his to him. We lifted our glasses to toast, and as we took our shots the warmth of the alcohol didn’t overpower the warmth Karl brought with him.
“I don’t want to drink a lot either,” I said.
He lifted an eyebrow in question.
“I mean, I want to drink just enough so I don’t feel as much, but I still want to think. Is that possible?” I asked.
“I think it can be possible, yes,” he said, leaning against the counter and crossing his arms.
“So why was innocence a worthy toast to drink to?” I asked as I lifted myself onto the counter to sit.
He leaned toward me and I couldn’t help but lose myself to his words as I watched his lips. “Innocence begins and ends everything. We come into the world innocent, and in that last breath we remain so. It depends on what definition you use for it. On one hand, innocence can be defined as the freedom from moral wrong or sin—if you want to think about it in a religious sense. But, another definition is simplicity, which means the art of being simple—not being artificial or intricate. Death isn’t artificial. So you see, innocence can be found at both the beginning and the end of life. That makes it something to drink to.”
“Wow,” I said, curling in my lips and biting them to capture my laugh.
“I’m a walking trivia game,” Karl said with a smirk.
He pulled his hat from his head and ran his hand through his crazy hair. I didn’t notice its length earlier. It was past his shoulders, and his beard was bushy and unkempt. He wore a flannel shirt buttoned to the top button.