by Buhl, Sarah
I rode with him to get my flatbed trailer. “What are you going to do with this Karl?” Blake asked.
“I want to build my house.”
“Well, that’s pretty fucking cool, man. Can I help?” he asked.
“Sure, I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“Neither do I, but we can figure it out together. I know a little bit; maybe that will be enough for us.” Blake laughed.
__________
Blake was a faithful helper and showed up every morning. He had told me that work was slow, so he had free time on his hands. At first, I questioned why he would be so willing to help a stranger. But I realized he was just that nice of a guy. I met his family and his mother and father were nothing like mine. They were giving. They didn’t hold things tight to them—trying to keep them forever.
“So, Karl, do you ever leave this place?” Blake asked.
“I’ve left a few times to get some food staples, but otherwise, no. I have the lake for water and bathing. It’s liberating.”
Blake laughed. “You bathe in the lake?” he asked.
“Yep, why not? It’s more than some people have.” I was serious in my thinking. I saw how some people lived. I didn’t want to take things for granted and I didn’t want to use more than I needed.
That’s what I’ve been thinking about while I was out here—what I have and what others do not. I didn’t want the life of wanting things. I wanted away from the consumer driven life I grew up with.
“Do you want to hang out with my friends and me later? We’re going out to this bar we always go to, but that’s it. It isn’t crazy. It’s low-key. Sometimes it gets packed depending upon what bands are playing. I think you’ll like it. It will do you good to get out and see some people. Maybe even meet some ladies.” He gave an over exaggerated shove to my arm with his elbow.
__________
He parked his Jeep a few blocks from the bar. When we were a block away, a guy from across the street yelled, “Blake!”
He ran to us and gave Blake a squeeze to his shoulder and a hug around the neck.
“Gabe, this is my friend Karl. Karl, this is Gabe.”
“Nice to meet you,” I said.
“You too.” Gabe smiled with ease and I could tell he was as authentic as they come.
“This is it,” Blake said as he waved his hand to the sign above the door that read, “Henley’s Pub.”
“No, shit?” I said under my breath, laughing to myself.
There is a reason for this. I needed to stop letting myself believe otherwise. There were too many points that lined up. It reminded me of connecting stars as a kid.
Conall and I would sit outside and look up at the stars, waiting to see a falling meteor. We hoped to one day find Superman.
To pass the time, we would pick out a cluster of stars and connect them in our mind. The picture was always changing, but the stars were the same. Meeting Pike at the gallery, meeting Blake who brought me here to Henley’s—all just stars connecting.
No matter what had happened before, these people were part of my life now and they would be for a while.
23
Margaret
Fall
“That wasn’t as bad as it was last time,” I said to Gabe as we walked from the medical imaging department where I had my MRI at the hospital.
“That’s great,” he said.
“Thanks again for coming with me. I know it’s not that fun sitting in the waiting room.”
“Not a problem, Maggie.”
I stopped walking, and he did a quick turn, almost like he would break into dance, to look back at me. “What?” he asked.
“You called me Maggie. Not Magistrate, not Magpie, not Magster, no, you called me Maggie. Why? That’s not good. You’re worried.” I felt shaky at the thought of Gabe being worried.
“Of course I’m worried. But, it will be okay.” He gave me the Gabe smile—the one that said more than other smiles because it was his.
He put his hand out to continue walking. “Where are your parents?” he asked.
“They went home Saturday night so they could get to church on Sunday. I love them, but I’m glad to have my apartment back to myself,” I said.
“Who do you have with you on Wednesday though? Didn’t you say the doctor said you aren’t supposed to move around a lot or sit up even? You can’t be alone all day then.”
“Karl’s coming with,” I said as we climbed into Gabe’s car. “My parents will be back for that, too.”
Gabe sat in the driver’s seat and turned to look at me. “What’s going on with you two?” he asked with a grin. “I shouldn’t be asking. I’m friends with all of you—Toby included. I don’t want to see the kind of drama you see on the CW. Not that I don’t like that kind of drama—it’s entertaining— but I don’t want to see any added stress to you.”
“There’s no drama. I love Toby. I always will. He’s a good friend of mine and my first love. But we are on a break right now. He’s supposed to be back in a few weeks and when he comes home we have a lot to talk about.”
“Yes, you do,” Gabe said as he started his car.
“What do you mean?” I asked, wondering what he was referring to.
“It’s apparent that you don’t know what I’m talking about, so I will let him discuss it with you. You have a lot to talk about. Because, if you love him as you say—friend or boyfriend, doesn’t matter—you would have told him about your health right now. You would have trusted him enough. You would have made him come home to be with you. I know you. I know that you don’t think he can take care of you as you need. I mean, I know he’s nothing like my nurturing manliness, but you need to decide what’s best for you.”
“I know. But maybe, it’s because my love for him has changed. I want him to grow and be who he should be because I love him. I also need to figure out who I am through all of this. Karl won’t do anything with me until then anyway. Not that I am doing it because I want to be with Karl. I like Karl, without doubt I do. He’s amazing. He’s the most down to earth person I’ve ever met, and I’m safe and protected with him. He’s perfect,” I said as I stared out the window.
Gabe laughed. “It sounds like this whole thing isn’t working for you. His putting up the block for you makes you want him all the more. It always works doesn’t it?”
I lifted my brow in question.
“The Rolling Stones were right.” He flipped through his MP3 player and You Can’t Always Get What You Want began.
I shook my head at him and watched the buildings pass by as we drove back to my apartment.
__________
The next day, I smiled at my reflection. I chose a skirt and leggings to go with my oversized sweater and tee shirt. I wouldn’t deny myself this evening of normality. I may not be the person I was last year, but this was a normal activity. The impending spinal tap tomorrow scared me, but for the first time in weeks, I was okay.
Karl knocked on my door at the time he said he’d be there to pick me up.
I opened the door with a smile. I hadn’t seen him in three days. I held my smile as I leaned against the door, holding it open for him. He smiled in return, but something was off, as if he wanted to say something but had to hold it in. He felt guarded, and he never guarded himself with me.
He nodded as he passed through the door.
He had his hair pulled back and his beard trimmed, but both still held the craziness I appreciated. He stood a few feet from me and his smile broadened as he grabbed the back of his neck.
“When you opened that door, I wanted to pull you near me and hold you. I don’t want to leave this apartment. Everything in my life pointed me in this direction. There’s a reason for me to crawl my way from my past and into this place. That reason is you.” He pulled his lip in on a smile. “Strange?”
“No, not strange at all—honest.” I smiled and wondered if that was where the guarded feeling coming off him came from, but there had to be more to it than that.<
br />
Dismissing my thoughts, I believed his words. I stepped near him and put my arms around his waist. I tightened my hold on him. He was right in my need to just get through these few weeks and to concentrate on that without throwing more drama into the deal.
“I know what you mean,” I said. I stepped back. “I’m kind of nervous about this party. I haven’t been out around more than close friends in months. I haven’t wanted to be around anyone.”
“You’ll be fine. There will be dancing.” He smiled at me before grabbing my scarf. “It’s cold out again.”
“Dancing, huh? Are you going to dance with me?” I asked with a smirk.
“Maybe. It depends on what kind of dance you’re wanting. I used to do an awesome robot.”
I laughed as I pulled my hat on and tied my scarf around my neck. “Can we walk there?” I asked as he offered his arm for me to hold.
“Yes, of course. If you’re up for it, I am.”
__________
It took a little longer than it used to for me to walk there. It had nothing to do with my legs though, and everything to do with walking with him. He told me stories of Jackson and him. The next time I saw Jackson, I knew I’d blush. I shouldn’t know what I knew about him.
We crossed the final street to Henley’s and paused in front of the door. There were people standing a few feet away smoking and Karl stepped to the door to pull it open.
“Do you remember the first time I met you?” he asked, pausing with his back toward me and waiting to open the door.
“Yes, I do.”
“Do you remember what an ass I was?” he asked.
“How could I forget?” I asked.
He laughed. “Well, that was a rough day for me already. When I first saw you, I thought you were yelling at Toby. Then as I got closer, I knew your fall upset you. So I faked my fall on the elevator to make you feel better.”
I laughed. “I did think it looked dramatic on your part.”
“It was, but I’m telling you this because ever since that first day when I saw you, I needed to make you smile. It was like seeing you hurt or frustrated could physically hurt me. So, to answer your question from earlier—yes, I will dance with you, if that will make you smile.”
He opened the door and put his hand on the small of my back.
We walked in together and I felt at peace despite the fears that lingered, because I was with him.
24
Karl
Fall
I wanted people to see me with her, and it was the first time I’d had that feeling in years. I didn’t care if others saw me, I just wanted to smile and remind them they were present. With Margaret, I forgot about all the things that came before. They were part of me, but they weren’t wounds anymore. They were scars, but they were healing. They were making a new gathering of skin that was still tender to the touch, but was no longer open to the air.
“Maggie—Karl!” Hannah said as she ran up to us with Smee in her arms.
She pulled Margaret into her with her free arm and kissed her temple. “How are you doing?” Hannah asked.
“I’m good. First time out in a while, other than at Gabe’s, so I kind of feel out of my element. It’s funny how something that was my usual now feels odd,” Margaret said, looking around the bar.
I put my arm around her shoulder. “It will be okay. Remember, most of them will be drunk within the hour or at least halfway intoxicated. Then, every joke you say will be hilarious and the ones that aren’t won’t be remembered.”
She laughed and held my hand as it rested on her shoulder. Hannah looked between the two of us and smiled.
“Maggie, will you come to the bathroom with me—like old times? Karl, take Smee and when you see Wynn, you can hand him over. No big deal, you just hold him close to you. I’ll be a few minutes.”
Hannah put Smee in my arms. “It’s okay, I can handle him. Can’t I?” I asked the little boy.
He was a couple months old now. I looked at his little face and his eyes were wide open, watching me. He had dark hair like Wynn and light eyes like Hannah’s. In the past, like many men, I never found myself interested in babies. But, I found myself seeing them as a sign of hope after everything I’d seen.
I was in awe of him. Smith was the name given to him at birth. Both of his parents were readers—the kid’s name was Smith Bradbury Hawthorne. I assume he had a big future ahead of him with a name like that.
“Wow, Karl. Look at you, man,” Mason said as he came to stand next to me and play with Smee’s hand. “This is one awesome kid.”
“I agree. How’ve you been Mason? I’ve not seen you since your pep talk at my car,” I said.
“I’ve been well. I’ve taken the time off from work to finish some songs and paintings. I started spray painting murals for pay now. Apparently, there are some places that thought having meaningful things on the side of their buildings was good for business. There’s a coffee shop across town I will work on next.”
“That’s great. I can’t wait to see it. What are you putting up?” I asked.
“I haven’t decided yet. I have to meet with the guy who owns it next week,” Mason said as Margaret and Hannah walked back toward us. Hannah took Smee from me with a smile.
“I guess your daddy is still waiting for Uncle Blakey, isn’t he?” she asked as she nuzzled his cheek. “I need to go feed him; you want to come with, Margaret?” Hannah asked with a wink and Margaret blushed. They must’ve had an interesting conversation. Hannah hadn’t called her Maggie, so I assumed she and I were discussed. I felt myself blush at the acknowledgement. I also felt proud.
It made me smile—her talking about us.
“Sure,” she said with a smile.
They both left again and Mason crossed his arms next to me.
“Well, good sir, I did not anticipate this,” Mason said with the tone of a British professor.
“What might you be speaking of, Mason?” I asked. He and I found ourselves speaking in this manner often. When you’re working on a roof, doing a repetitive job with someone, you do off the wall things to pass the time and your thoughts.
“Well, you and young Maggie ,of course.” Mason rested his elbow on his other forearm, and placed his index finger against his temple. He nodded continuously as I spoke.
I laughed. “Yes, me and young Maggie. I didn’t anticipate it either, but there it is. She’s astounding.”
I watched her sitting next to Hannah as Hannah fed Smee. Hannah was free with it. I liked that she just sat in the chair and fed her child as she spoke with her cousin. It was a beautiful scene, deserving of a box.
“You two seem to be moving fast. What about Toby?” Mason asked, losing his false accent.
“It’s been four months. He will be back in a few weeks. I don’t think they’re in a relationship anymore—other than friends. At least in her mind.”
“Yeah, I talked to him the other day, I’m sure it’s over; they just have to say it,” Mason said.
“Yeah, I spoke with him the other day too. I don’t want to say something to him I shouldn’t. I know he needs this, and she’s the one who’s not told him. But, I can’t believe he’s that clueless to what is going on with her. I kept the topic on what he and I needed to discuss. I didn’t even bring Margaret up,” I said.
“He’s kind of on a high; finding out what it was he needed to do with his life. He’s feeling life for once. He’s doing what he’s meant to. Remember that feeling? You told me yourself we all need to find that one thing that makes us feel alive,” Mason said on a laugh.
I looked at Margaret and knew that my art and creating made me feel alive. But, she was the one that made it brighter. She brought the joy to it.
“I need to go now,” I said to Mason with a nod. I wanted to get back to her.
“Okay, later man,” Mason said as he turned toward a group of people.
I walked across the room and sat in the chair next to Margaret. She continued to speak with Hannah a
nd I put my arm behind her chair. She turned to look at me with a brief smile and touched my cheek.
I sat in silence as I listened to the inflection and tone in her voice. I noted the lightness of her laugh as she and Hannah reminisced about a time when they were younger. It didn’t matter what she was saying; I would listen just to hear her voice.
Hannah lifted Smee to her shoulder as if to burp him and handed him to Margaret instead. “I’ll be right back, Maggie,” she said.
She bounced him on his toes and a smile formed on his face as she leaned him onto her palm and rubbed his back, sitting him on her lap.
“You’re such a sweet baby,” she said, smelling his head.
I picked up his hand and rubbed his palm. “He’s not just sweet; this kid is destined for greatness. What is he wearing?” I asked.
Margaret laughed. “Hannah made that.”
The onesie had a hand drawn picture of a bear with the words, “Ring Bear.”
“She said if he could walk he would’ve been one, but there was no wedding, so he’d just have to wear a cute onesie. She thought the play on words funny.”
I shook my head with a smile.
Hannah returned and took Smee from Margaret. “Okay, Wynn just texted. They will be here soon. I’ll go wait for him by the door.” She turned and walked back to the front door
“I need to say something,” Margaret said, as she put her arm in mine, watching Hannah walk away. “I must say, I think you might be the most achingly real and genuine person I’ve ever met. You held him in your arms like it was nothing. Few guys would do that.”
“I’m sure any guy that has gone through what I have, would.”
“Not true. You walk around with a sincerity rarely found now,” she said, resting her temple on my shoulder.
“You can find it with anyone who has faced their death and known what it would feel like to know you might take your last breath. When you’re in that place, you know that everything is important and beautiful. Nothing is taken for granted because everything is so much more. So, I’m not one of a kind. There are others like us out there; you just have to wait for them,” I said, turning to kiss the top of her head.