by Buhl, Sarah
I rolled my eyes at him and shook my head before kissing his cheek. “Let’s go. I can’t deal with my mom having a conniption on top of everything.”
__________
We sat in yet another waiting room and I smiled as I thought about Karl’s story about waiting. I nudged Karl’s elbow with mine to get his attention.
“Which do you think is more probable—an android uprising or an alien invasion?” I asked Karl.
My mom scrunched up her face in confusion. “What kind of question is that, Maggie?”
“It’s a creative, time-passing question, Mom. Feel free to answer if you like,” I said.
“Hmm, I always thought android would be probable myself,” my dad said.
“What on earth are you talking about?” my mom asked.
“Androids, Rebecca. Androids will destroy the world,” my dad deadpanned as he continued reading the car magazine he had picked up from the table.
“Good, Dad.” I looked to Karl. “Now, tell me, which do you think more probable?”
Karl leaned back in his chair and looked to the ceiling as he crossed his arms. His legs extended in front of him and he crossed them at the ankles. “That’s a good question, Margaret. I myself think the alien one is more probable. Androids, being robots, wouldn’t have the desire to take over unless someone programmed it into them. Last I knew they weren’t sentient. I also think they’d be more apt to adapt and not try to conquer. We’d give ourselves over to them without them uprising. Aliens, now aliens would be scary. If it were to happen, it’d be the end of everything. We’d kill ourselves off trying to kill a being that wanted just to talk,” he said with a smile and squeeze to my thigh. He whispered. “That was a good waiting question. Now I have one for you.”
I nodded for him to continue as I leaned onto the armrest between us.
“Do you think it possible to love another human being when meeting them in passing?” he whispered as he leaned onto the armrest and we stared at each other, sharing a smile.
“I think it is possible. They could walk past each other and in a shared smile, they just know. This person is someone. This person is the someone. This person gets me,” I said.
He smiled and lowered his forearm onto the rest and put his palm up to mine.
“Maggie Presley” a different nurse than the one from the other day asked.
I looked over Karl’s shoulder to acknowledge her. I took in a deep breath and exhaled in a slow, hesitant movement.
I stood to meet her and Karl kept hold of my hand. He stood up and wrapped his arms around me and kissed my temple. Behind him, I saw both of my parents watched us. My mom held a dumbfounded expression and my dad smiled. My dad gave me a nod and Karl released me.
“You can do this. It’s just a golf ball settling in, remember?”
I laughed a light laugh. “Yes, it is,” I said.
I squeezed his hand and followed the nurse back to the room.
She looked over her shoulder at me a couple times and smiled. “It’s awesome seeing such a supportive boyfriend.”
“Oh, he’s not my boyfriend,” I said.
“Oh, I’m sorry; I just thought you two seem so… together.”
I smiled. I didn’t know how to respond when I kept thinking about what was to happen in just a few short minutes.
We entered a different room than last time. The door read, Procedure Room.
When she pulled the curtain back, my pulse quickened. Procedure seemed like a light term for the room before me. This had the potential to be a clinical torture chamber. A tray sat next to the procedure table. A cloth draped over the utensils that my doctor would use. I shook my head, trying to ignore what my imagination wanted to believe.
Knives, needles, and sharp instruments that usually filled horror films now filled my thoughts.
I closed my eyes and slowed my breathing.
The doctor entered the room and waved for me to have a seat in a chair.
He sat on his rolling stool across from me.
“Maggie, did you read anything about what this will entail?” he asked.
I shook my head. “I didn’t want to look at it. It scared me shitless.”
He smiled. “It’s much easier now, as opposed to how they used to be years ago. What will happen is you will lie down on your side in the fetal position. After we get you situated and I mark off the area with a sterile cloth, I will administer the anesthetic to the area. Then we will wait a few minutes and the lumbar puncture will take place. This will take several minutes because we will take three or four vials. How we do that is, it will just drip. We won’t pull it out of you so to speak. Okay?”
“My spinal fluid will just drip out of me. Got it,” I said. The room spun, and I rested my face in my hands.
“Do you want your mother in here with you?” the nurse asked me.
I shook my head. “God no, that would not help. People can be in here?” I asked.
She nodded. “Yes, if you would feel more comfortable having someone in here, that’s fine. You can go ask someone.”
“Will you do it for me? I don’t want to explain myself.”
“Of course. What’s his name?” She knew without me saying it that I wanted Karl in here.
“Karl. His name is Karl.” I put my face back in my hands and rested my elbows on my knees.
“Okay, let’s get you changed and situated. Then I will get him. We can set you on here so he doesn’t have to see anything, just your face.”
“I’d like that,” I said as she handed me a gown and began to go over the procedure one more time with me.
28
Karl
Fall
James moved down a seat to take the place Margaret left open.
“How’s it going, Karl?” he asked.
“To be honest, I know nothing will happen, but it scares me she’s in there and I’m sitting out here.” I looked toward the direction she walked.
“I feel the same way,” he said. “I like her with you.”
I smiled at him and tilted my head in question.
“I like how she is free when she’s with you. I see the same smile she had as a little girl. She’s always been that way. But it’s like she is remembering who she always was before she got a little lost along the way. Can I tell you something, Karl?” he asked.
I nodded for him to go on. I ran my hands across the thighs of my pants, trying not to think about her in that room and how nervous she was.
“As a parent, you can’t force your kids to be a certain way or to do things in life you think they are supposed to do. You can only give guidance. She was dead set on getting that job and working in advertising. She said it was because she liked the psychology of it. She liked understanding what makes people tick and why they do what they do. That isn’t a bad thing. But she got a little lost along the way. I’ve learned not to intervene in her life. She will learn. I think she’s learned a lot about herself and I have you to thank for that.”
“I did nothing but talk to her, sir,” I said.
“I know that, and I know that in talking with her and letting her be, you did so much more than you can imagine.” He put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze before looking past me with a shocked expression.
I turned around to see Toby standing there with Gabe.
“Toby, what are you doing back?” James asked him.
“Gabe can’t lie or keep things from anyone. I knew something was off and I got out of him what was going on. Why didn’t she tell me?” he asked as he sat across from Rebecca. He didn’t seem angry, just concerned.
Rebecca opened and closed her mouth a couple times as she thought how to respond. She looked at me, of all people, for an answer. I imagine she felt much like the rest of us. We had our minds wrapped around the procedure going on in the other room and now none of us knew how to line up our thoughts with Toby being here too. It felt similar to trying to flip a switch in my mind to see things in the light. It’s blindi
ng at first. Seeing Toby reminded me that Margaret had another life outside of us together.
“Excuse me,” the nurse who took her back earlier said. “Karl?” she asked as she looked at me. “She would like you to come back. She told me to say, “Margaret would like you to come back.”
I smiled. Margaret.
“Okay,” I said as I stood from my seat.
Toby gave me a strange expression, and I continued past Gabe. I couldn’t stop to talk to either of them.
I heard Toby ask, “So he’s going back? Why? Why is Karl even here?”
I didn’t stop to explain myself. There was no explanation. It was what it was.
The nurse opened the door, blocking Margaret from me until she stepped to the side and there she was. She had her hands clasped in an almost prayer-like state. She held them in front of her face and had her knees tucked up toward her chin.
She held the fetal position and when she looked up at me, she smiled. “I have to stay like this.” She looked at her hands with a nod.
“Okay.” I sat on a stool the nurse brought toward the table for me. When I sat on it, I wrapped my hands around hers and rested my chin on them. “So here we are.” I smiled at her.
“So here we are. I’m going to just let the spinal fluid drip out,” she said in a hushed tone. “I have a question for you while we wait for him to come back and get started, though. I was trying to figure it out while I waited for you to come in. But, would you consider the word drip anonomatopoeia?”
The nurse stood to the side of the table and she smiled as she listened to our conversation.
“Good question. I’m sure it is,” I said and kissed her knuckle.
“Yeah, that’s what’s I thought, too. Thank you,” she said.
“For what?”
“For not asking why I wanted you in here. You just came right in and did the perfect thing I needed.” She smiled and her eyes held the determination I’ve grown accustomed to finding in her.
“I needed it too. I couldn’t sit out there knowing you were in here going through this.”
“It’s not that big of a deal. It just creeps me out. Think about it, the same stuff he will let drip out of me, is the stuff that insulates and holds my spine and my brain. You know this stuff holds the brain. It lifts it up. It’s cool.”
“You sound like me right now.” I gave a light laugh.
“I did some research,” she said with a smile.
“Okay, Maggie. We will go ahead and get started now,” the doctor said as he entered the room.
He gave me a surprised nod and then smiled when he looked at our hands.
“Okay Doc, let’s do this thing then,” Margaret said.
The doctor took a seat on the opposite side of the table. He felt along her back. “Go ahead and curl forward just a little more, please. Think of your back arching like a scared cat,” he said as he evaluated her back.
She pulled her knees up more and brought her head to our hands.
“I’m going to numb the area a little more before we begin,” the doctor said.
The doctor continued to work in silence and the nurse moved to the other side of Margaret. She ran her hand across her shoulder. I liked the woman. She didn’t have to do that, and I saw she was a person that had experienced a trial herself in life. There is sympathy and then there is empathy. This woman understood what it felt like to be afraid and unsure. She was empathy. I gave her a smile, and she nodded.
“You’re doing great, Margaret,” the nurse said.
She smiled. “Thank you for remembering that. It was my grandma’s name and I need her with me now.”
I kissed her forehead.
“That part’s over. Now you will feel a tug and then you will need to remain still.”
“Okay, I can do that,” she said and met my eyes.
Tears formed in hers. They weren’t from pain, I could see that. Her body wasn’t tense—she held my hand without it. No, these tears were tears that formed from fighting to hold onto her strength.
“Just look at me,” I said.
She gave a gentle nod, afraid to move.
Her eyes clenched shut for a moment before she opened them and looked across my face. She hummed a song. She lost herself to the humming, and she didn’t see me anymore, but she saw the tune of the song dancing on my face.
The doctor sang the words to Can’t Always Get What You Want along with the tune she hummed.
“I thought I had to stay still?” she asked with a smile as she continued to examine me.
Her doctor peeked his head over her shoulder at me and winked. “You have to stay still; I don’t. You hum the Rolling Stones, I will sing.”
Her smile broadened as a tear drifted down her cheek. I wiped it away with my thumb and sang along myself.
__________
“You did great, Margaret. Now, for the fun part—you need to lie on your back or stomach for about an hour before you can leave. Then when you get home, I want you to keep lying down as much as you can the next twenty-four hours. So, it looks like you guys get to watch some TV or whatever it is you want to do. Well, no not whatever it is you want to do. You need to just lie there,” he said with a wink.
I didn’t know how to respond to that, so I looked at Margaret. She blushed.
“Do you want me to bring the others in?” the doctor asked.
Margaret looked at me and then shook her head. “No, I think I don’t want the stress of everyone right now. I’d like my dad in here, but that’d piss my mom off. God, I sound like a bitch. I just feel like I want a minimal amount of people around me. I don’t want to talk about what’s going on. I don’t want to be watched like I’m part of a side show. I just want to get through this and still be me.”
“I understand what you mean,” the doctor said. “No stress is best right now.” He patted her hand and left the room with a smile and a nod.
“Do you need anything?” the nurse asked.
“Yes, I never asked your name,” Margaret said.
The nurse smiled. “My name’s Eda.”
“Well, thank you, Eda.”
She squeezed Margaret’s shoulder before leaving the room.
“It’s just us now,” she said.
“Yes, it is.” I smiled with sadness as I knew I had to tell her that Toby was here. I didn’t want to tell her. Every self-seeking part of me didn’t want to tell her that. But I had to fight that want and tell her.
“What is it?” she asked.
“Toby’s here. He got it out of Gabe what was going on with you.”
She sighed, looking to the ceiling. “I don’t want him to come back to my apartment with us. I can’t deal with that today.”
“Okay. Well, I will go deal with it.” I stood to leave, but she stopped me by not letting go of my hand.
“No, wait. I have to sit here for an hour; let me enjoy it with you and trick myself into thinking I don’t have a monumental thing waiting for me out there.”
I sat back down and she sighed.
“We’ve been together almost four years, and he hasn’t been able to decide without me. Now what if he decides he wants to be with me. I will shatter him because I’m not the person for him and I don’t think I ever was. We just existed together—that was it. I’m not ready to see him yet.”
“You will need to see him soon though. You need to see him and reconcile everything in your mind. I don’t want you to want to be with me just because he’s absent.”
“That’s not how it is at all. I meant what I said earlier. I imagine it’s wrong and I’m going to hell if there is one, but I mean it. I knew you were different the first day you fell into the elevator.”
More thread being pulled tight. She broke me when she spoke that way.
“I know you did. But, we can’t do that to Toby either. You have to see him and tell him your thoughts and feelings. You can’t avoid him. He’s worried about you. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days when he got here. He came straig
ht here from the bus station. He cares about you,” I said, lowering my forehead to hers.
The feeling that consumed me now was sadness. I wanted to cry because she was the most beautiful being I’d ever been near. Every time I walked into a room, and she was there, I felt fuller, like there wasn’t space for any other thought or feeling but her.
This was so difficult. But I needed to do it—for her and for him. He was my friend and always had been. I couldn’t let her avoid him and follow after me. He deserved answers. I owed him that.
“I know he cares about me and I care about him. But we aren’t meant to be. I knew that the day I drove him to the bus stop to take his trip. And you know what?” She adjusted herself on the cot so she could see me better. “You said I needed time to find out what I wanted and who I was without you being the reason for me to leave him. I’ve spent the last few months without him. I’ve had that time you talked about. I know what I want and it’s you.”
I kissed her. It wasn’t passionate or insane with fireworks blowing in my mind. But there was a single thread that tied in a knot and the pocket, the gift giver like my grandma once made, finished.
29
Margaret
Fall
He stayed with me. He sat, held my hand, and he made me feel protected. He was there, and he held me up when I couldn’t.
Eda knocked on the door and peeked her head in. “You can get dressed now and then head out. Do you want me to help you?” she asked.
“No, I will be okay, thank you.” Eda stepped to the cot and helped me sit up. She lifted my hand to offer it to Karl. He took it with comfort and without a second thought.
She smiled as she looked to both of us, then shut the door.
“Whew, that’s a weird feeling,” I said. “My head hurts a little, but it isn’t bad. I just feel odd.”
I reached up to untie the back of the gown they had me in and I couldn’t reach it, so Karl did it for me.
He helped me get my arm out of the gown. He lifted his hand back to my bare shoulder and traced along it with the back of his hand before he lifted my shirt to help me put it on. It was a button up, so it made it easier. I put one arm in and he handed me the other one.