by Buhl, Sarah
Fall
I reached the top of the hill and paused before walking up the stairs to his door. His little house was beautiful, just as he was. Karl had a reason for everything he did and it wasn’t a shallow one. Every action he thought out. He knew who he was in every moment, every decision—he was present for it.
I was present now. I was here for him, because I wanted to be here with him. Finishing the tattoo yesterday was the step in my direction, but this is where I needed to be to step toward him.
I climbed his three steps and pressed my hands on either side of my face against his window. I watched him. He nodded his head to music as he tapped his foot on the floor. I felt like a voyeur as I took him in. His stocking cap was off and his hair was chaotic even in the bun he had pulled up at the back of his head.
His back was to the door, and I knocked as I opened it.
“Karl?” I asked, and he didn’t turn around. I stepped closer and tried not to sneak up on him or scare him as his music played loud enough I could hear it through his ear buds.
He jumped when he saw me and pulled his arm back in reaction, as if he were on guard, waiting for someone to attack. When he saw me, his eyes relaxed into his smile.
“Maggie? What are you doing here?” he asked loudly, and I saw his reaction to me embarrassed him.
I pulled my lip in on a smile. “I’m here to see what you’re doing. I haven’t spoken to you in a few days and to be honest, I missed you.”
I pulled one of the ear buds from his ear and put it up to my own. I wasn’t familiar with the music, but the woman’s voice was haunting.
“Work was off because of the weather, so I just hung out around here, and I painted yesterday.”
“What did you paint?” I asked as I sat on my knees in front of him and his dark eyes met mine. His beard was even longer than the last time I saw it. How could a beard grow that much in just a few days?
I put my hands on his knees and pushed myself up until my face was across from his.
“I did a box and a painting. I needed to shut my mind off. My thoughts run so fast; there is always so much going on in here,” he said as he tapped his fingers on his temple. “It becomes too much and I find it easier to just empty myself of all thought through painting and just zoning out,” he said, lifting my braid from my shoulder and toying with the end. “You are taking up a lot of space in here,” he said touching his temple once more. “I feel guilty for that—because of Toby,” he said, meeting my eyes once more and stopping me from speaking. I wanted to tell him there was no need, but I let him continue for now. “So then, I think about my boxes and new ones I should make. There are still memories that need boxes, but you, Margaret, are someone that makes all those memories seem okay to carry with me. It’s as if I shouldn’t tuck them away, but I can remember them and know that I’m stronger than them.”
I put my hands on his face and brought my lips to his. “Don’t feel guilty, and I understand what you’re saying. I think about you a lot too, particularly in how much I need to be near you. It isn’t a crazy thing, needing someone. We all need someone.”
“I know. But it’s not enough. I can’t have you just need me, Margaret. I’m still a man, you know?” he asked with a slight laugh.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.
“Well, I think you may have built me up as something more and not allowed me to be the person I am. I know I’m being an ass as I say this, but it’s true. Maybe it’s the memories, but I don’t feel like lying right now. I want you. I want you to want me and I need that. I can’t just be some guy you look to as an asexual savior. That’s not me.”
My jaw dropped along with my heart. “Is that what you think?”
“I don’t know what I think. I know that it was difficult to drive away and leave you with Toby. But I knew it was right. I’ve questioned that the last few days though. I’ve sat here and thought about all that could happen with him. Then I realized it wasn’t my place to feel that possession and jealousy. No one can claim you, let alone me.”
He traced his fingers across my chin. “You’re so beautiful, Margaret.”
He lifted his hand and traced a loose hair back behind my ear until his hand rested at the back of my neck. His thumb rubbed along the tense muscle that lingered where my neck met my back. “Your eyes are like these deep bowls of knowledge. Do you know that? I can’t look at them sometimes because of it. You’re made of more than this, okay? So, don’t let whatever you have going on right now destroy you,” he said.
I gave a soft laugh. “Destroy me? I’m way too tough to be destroyed by this. But you know what felt like it would destroy me?” I asked.
He looked at me with a serious stare. “What?”
“Not hearing from you. That felt like it would destroy me.”
“Didn’t you have fun with Toby?”
I gave a light laugh. “Toby? He left after two days. He had to get back on the road. And yes, we had fun, but that point in our lives is over. It was best for both of us.” I adjusted the ear bud I had put on. “What is this we are listening to?” I asked as an indigenous flute played and the same woman’s voice from the previous song sang over it.
“It’s CocoRosie,” he said matter of fact, as he took the other ear bud out of his ear and put it into my other one.
He held my face between his palms, his thumbs pressing over my ears with light pressure. He smiled and nodded his head as if he could hear the song along with me.
I closed my eyes and let the song play through and my hands danced across the air. It was just that beautiful. I couldn’t sit still to this.
He let go of my face and I let my chin drop and with my eyes still closed I nodded to the music and my body took over.
36
Karl
Fall
I leaned back against the bench and observed her in silence.
She danced across my floor without moving. Her being present in this moment was enough to cause a dance in my thoughts and wants. She consumed me with her thoughts on life, with her mind, with her kindness—her beauty. She knew she was free and that freedom was not something to be long forgotten. It’s innate—everyone has it, we just forget it sometimes.
I always knew there was something more than what I saw at the surface of life. Something waited on the edges. Every artist knows that and searches for it. That’s why we create. That’s why anyone creates— to learn and to understand what it is to be human. I had known the surrounding lives, the stories they told me, the smiles they shared, were part of it. But, I didn’t know there could be a specific muse, let alone that it was a person. But watching Margaret, with eyes closed, feeling the music, my chest exploded in a silent rhythm she created. My hands twitched with a need to make something, to capture this moment in a painting, in a photograph, in a song, whatever the hell I could do to create it.
I couldn’t hear the song, but I knew its every note. I’d been listening to it on repeat for the last few hours. They weren’t someone I listened to often, but there was something in this song that reminded me of her.
She seemed so uptight when I first met her. Not uptight in the sense she thought she was better than others, but that she wound herself up so tight she forgot to live.
Watching her now, I knew she had reached the point where she unraveled, and as she unraveled the pieces of herself, she put the last stitch in me.
She opened her eyes and crawled on her hands and knees toward me. Her eyes were haunting as she used her knee to push my leg to the side and she sat between them on her knees. She put her hands on my thighs and gave a squeeze of them before she reached her left hand to my head and ran her hand across my ear.
She sat back and smiled at me and continued to dance to the song while moving her upper body. Her eyes closed once again and she let her hands dance in the air around her in the way I became accustomed to. Half the time, I don’t believe she knew she did it. It was as if she couldn’t stop dancing. Her body had to do
something any time it felt a song, much in the same way I had the pull to create things through art.
I could see when the song ended and the next started, by watching her movements. Her eyes opened once more, and she danced closer. She held her eyes on mine as she traced her hands up my thighs and moved farther up, but she hesitated. Her eyes didn’t hesitate, but I could feel in her hands she was unsure of how I would react to her.
I would say nothing. She had to do this. Maybe it was my own lack of self-confidence, but I needed to know that she wanted me. I knew what I wanted. I knew what I needed, but I had to know she knew too.
I closed my eyes, and it was as if she took that as her cue.
She put a leg on either side of mine and sat atop me as she continued her dance, moving her hands up my chest and into my hair. One hand wrapped around the back of my head as the other moved to the button of my pants.
She held a forceful grace in her movements that wasn’t comparable to any woman I’d been with.
I didn’t want to take this moment to compare her, but I was still human and when you’re with someone that knows their own body, it flows over into their interaction with you. She wasn’t afraid of herself. Despite what she was going through. Despite this disease or illness, she still wasn’t afraid of herself. She was fearless. I focused on her face and the strength of her eyes. I never had a problem with focusing.
Her breath that passed from her lips every few seconds.
Her inhalations that caused her shoulders to rise.
Light taps of her fingertips along the back of my neck.
All of it was her, and she wrapped herself around me, within me, almost in a spiritual sense. The thoughts in contrast with her movements reminded me to focus harder on not losing myself too soon.
She brought her lips to mine at the same moment she reached her hand into my jeans.
She tightened her grip on the back of my neck as I shifted my shoulders farther up the bench at the contact of her hand grasping onto me. Her lips parted, and she rested her forehead on mine as she let out a moan. I hadn’t even touched her, and she moaned, just from touching me.
It floored me.
I broke our kiss and kissed down her neck as she moved her hand over me in the same rhythm and focus she had on her dancing. My hand reached under her shirt and lifted it to remove it from her. But she wore that sweater of hers and she shook her head when I tried to remove it from the arm she held me with. She let go of the back of my neck to pull her other arm though, but kept the one holding me right where it was. I let out a laugh, and she scowled at me as she pulled her tee shirt over her head and let it hang with the sweater from her arm.
I noticed a tattoo that began on her collar bone and wrapped around her shoulder. I couldn’t take in the detail of it at the moment, because she took over my thoughts.
She was sitting on top of me, unabashed and my eyes closed in frustration at her teasing touch. She moved at a slow pace, but with a purpose that made it more intense. I moved my hips back and sat up straighter against the bench, which brought her closer to my face.
I looked up at her and made sure her eyes were on me and just as I suspected, they were. She hadn’t looked away, and she placed her free hand on my shoulder as I brought mine up to her breasts. My fingers wrapped along either side of her rib cage as my palms lifted each one. She moaned again as she pressed them into my hands, wanting more, but instead I chose not to give her more and traced down her sides and up her back, before pressing the back of her head with a gentle touch to guide her lips back to mine.
She gave a swift bite to my lip before she returned my kiss. “You’re kind of an asshole at this, Karl. I wasn’t expecting that from you,” she said with a laugh.
“You’re kind of taking charge of this, Margaret, and I expected that of you.”
I put my hand on her wrist and pulled her hand from my pants as in one quick motion I moved her to the floor and I hovered above her.
37
Margaret
Fall
My head pressed into the wood floor of Karl’s house. I lay there and all I could think for the first few moments was how much my life had changed.
We all cope and live in our own way. We find our way in life, no matter what happens. My grandmother’s words. I had to remember them—even now as he looked down at me with that tender, sexy look of his.
He gave a gentle tug on the ear buds and pulled them from me.
He sat back onto his knees and smiled down at me. Then his smile softened as he met my eyes. The expression he gave me broke my heart. He looked as though his own heart broke.
“There’s something I need to tell you, Margaret,” he said.
I sat up and put my hands on his shoulders. “Wait. No more confessions right now.”
He started to speak again, “No,” I said. “Is it something I need to know right this minute and is detrimental to what we are doing?”
He laughed and shook his head.
“Karl, no matter what you feel you need to get into, it isn’t necessary. I want you. I want all of you, not just the asexual part.” I smiled, and it brought a laugh from him. “But, can we do something? I want to wait until night time before we seal the deal.”
“Seal the deal?” he said on a laugh. “That’s fine. Whatever you want is fine by me—you know that.” He leaned back down and curled his body around the side of mine.
“It’s a silly reason that I want to wait, but it’s because there’s a full moon tonight. I want to be outside.” I pulled my lip in, trying to hide my moment of nervousness.
“Why?” he asked. “I mean why is that silly?”
“I suppose I should’ve known you wouldn’t find it silly.” I kissed his cheek before moving him back underneath me. “But, there is something I want to do now, and it doesn’t have to wait until later. I’ve wanted to do it for a while.”
I moved down his body and lifted his shirt to expose his abdomen. I kissed along his pant line and then saw that across one side of him was a scar that looked bruised. I sat up and let my finger trace along it as it lowered into his pants. Karl placed his hand on my elbow to pull my attention to his eyes.
“It’s okay,” he said. “If you’re weirded out by it, I understand.”
“Of course I’m not weirded out by it.” I said as I pulled him up to encourage him to remove his shirt. He obliged, and I smiled when I saw the light fluff of hair across his chest. Across his chest and shoulders were small speckles of scars. I leaned toward him, needing to wrap my arms and legs around him. He sat up and I now straddled him, my legs and arms encasing him. I didn’t feel like I could get close enough and wondered if I’d be able to wait until tonight. I was close enough now that the thinness of my pants allowed me to feel the growing need he held, too. I sighed as I leaned my forehead onto his shoulder. Feeling the closeness of our naked skin almost pushed me over the edge. It was consuming. There was a fire in my chest from how close to him I felt, and just being naked near him was enough.
He lifted my face to his and kissed along my chin before he placed his lips on mine. The kiss was just as, if not more, overpowering as the first one he gave me. I wanted so much of him. His lips left mine and traced down my neck until he placed two gentle kisses on either side of my collarbone.
He placed his hands on my back as he kissed my breast bone. I was leaning back in such a way it brought my lower half even closer to him. A shudder danced through me before my senses came back and I remembered myself and what I wanted to do. I reached behind me and pulled his hands from my back, bringing them between us as I kissed his jaw before nipping his lip.
“Lie back down, please?” I whispered against his mouth. He obliged, and I followed his descent.
I released his hands and kissed along his chest to his nipple and gave a gentle nip on one before I gave a sudden lick to it and moved to the other. I couldn’t leave one unattended as I knew it always frustrated me when one was. I moved farther down and met his scar
once more.
I sat up and unfastened his pants the rest of the way before standing and pulling them off from his ankles. He lay before me with one arm under his head. He only wore a lazy, wanting smile and his boxer briefs. But, he was content and sure of himself regardless. “You are letting me take charge, aren’t you?” I asked with a smile.
“Of course I am. I’m man enough to know that sometimes, letting an intelligent woman take the lead is as satisfying, if not more so, than for me to lead.”
“Oh, do you bed many intelligent women, Karl?” I asked with a coy smile.
He laughed. “Nope, this is a first for me. But anything with you is intriguing and beautiful because that’s just how you are Margaret.”
I smiled before finding my way back to his abdomen. I now could see that the scar that began on his side went down his abdomen toward his groin and then peeked out below his boxers on his inner thigh. A pain tugged at my chest as I took it in. I showed him how I felt about the scar and about him as I kissed along the scar, beginning at the topmost portion near his side. As it dipped below his boxers I continued to kiss and pulled the boxers from him until he kicked them off.
I was now sitting up and exploring him with my eyes, taking in every aspect of him.
I was never shy. I never saw a naked man as being something to be scared of or ashamed of; they were just as beautiful as women and Karl was exceptionally so—because it was him. He wasn’t shy or ashamed either. But, he wasn’t narcissistic about it; he was just free to be himself. He was comfortable with me and it was gorgeous.
I loved him.
I loved him and it was a deeper connection than I’ve ever had. There was love with Toby, but there wasn’t this invincible want to be near him. With Karl, I wanted him. I wanted to explore every part of him—his mind and his body.
I smiled as I lowered myself back to kissing along his scar. It tracked near his penis, but it didn’t appear to have touched it. I followed it all the way to the scar’s end, which stopped at his thigh right above his knee. Something happened to him and it hurt.