by Buhl, Sarah
“How have you been doing?” Pike asked, rubbing my back.
I stepped back, nodding. “I’m fine. My stuff is insignificant right now. I’m glad you guys are here for him.”
“Honey, first, no one’s trials are insignificant. And, second, I don’t think it’s us he needs right now. But, if he does need us, tell him to call.” He handed me a cell phone. “It’s his; he just doesn’t like to keep it on him. But, listen, we will go ahead and head out.”
I nodded and looked at the phone before watching Blake and Pike walk down the hill to Gabe’s car. Gabe stayed back and pulled me into a hug.
“You know, Magpie, I’m tired of seeing your naked bum,” he said with a laugh as he kissed my ear. “You’re happy, despite all this going on, I can see it.”
“Yes, I am happy. Despite what is going on, I’m happy,” I said with a light squeeze to his arms as I held him outstretched from me.
“Just don’t forget about our coffee breakfasts. I’ve missed them the last couple months and I want to reinstate them soon.” He flicked my nose to drive the point home, and I wrapped my arm around his waist. He leaned his chin on my head on a sigh. “I adore you Maggie.”
“And I adore you, Gabe.” I smiled up at him as we walked back to the front porch.
I winked and my smile left my face as I saw Karl standing on the porch just looking over his field. He hadn’t made it all the way in the house yet. “Hey, thank you for coming. I need to go talk to him,” I said. Gabe leaned down and hugged me once more before waving to Karl and heading down the hill to the others.
I walked up the steps and stood next to Karl. Kissing his shoulder, I pulled him into me. “I wish I had words to say to lighten or lift the burden from you. But I know you have to carry the burden for the time you need, and you need to feel it before you move on. I’m here for you in that. Don’t be ashamed to feel it in front of me.”
He kissed my ear and returned my hug before he leaned his forehead onto my shoulder. “I can’t. That’s what hurts the most. I have these emotions inside and I can’t let them out because I’m fucking afraid of them. I’m afraid of what will happen once I give them just an ounce of freedom—let alone what this would do to everyone else.”
I thought it odd at first, but it made sense—it’s him. He worries about others before himself.
“Then, let’s not focus on that part. Focus on the healing that has been happening. Focus on the love you have for him. Let those thoughts surpass the wound that the unknown future is leaving. A wise man once told me you can’t focus on the wounds. You need the balance of healing.”
He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed along the base of my fingers before moving onto my knuckles. “Jackson used to tell me I was too serious, and I wasn’t as much fun as I was when we first met. Then I told him, I didn’t want to be how I used to be. I thought no one should try to be what they used to be and we should all move into the new part of life we are in, right now. He responded by saying, “Well, I suppose I better get moving then.” That was it—I suppose I better get moving then. He lost his legs, but he doesn’t care. He hasn’t let it slow him down. But, he lets his memories catch him from time to time. We all do. The only way to cope is to pretend it didn’t happen. Then that creates a walking bomb, waiting for a fuse.”
He walked into his house and kept hold of my hand as I followed him in. He stopped just outside the door to his bathroom and turned around. He kissed me as he removed my sweater and his tee shirt from me. I tried to help him, but he insisted on doing it for me. I saw it as a means for him to focus on something other than the pain he felt. He ran his fingers across my cheeks and kissed just before either of my ears, right where they met my jaw.
He reached behind him and turned the water on and pulled me under the warm stream with him. Running his hands through my hair, he kept his eyes locked on mine. I saw the pain in his. It was the pain he tried to avoid—the pain he pretended wasn’t there. I wondered if the pain he felt now became heavier by the memories of his friends he lost in the past. I wondered if the pain also came from his fear of the future. Going through my own uncertainty, I knew words accounted for far less than what one feels in something like this.
“I’m not afraid of what may happen,” I said. I put my hands on either side of his face and touched our lips together. I spoke into his as the water pooled around us. “I’m not afraid of not being able to walk or dance. I’m not afraid of my own death. But, I can say, I’m afraid of losing you to whatever is filling your eyes right now. I know you’re fighting it, but fighting it—avoiding it—will make it far worse. Please don’t lose yourself to it.”
He pulled me into his arms and rested my head on his shoulder. “I’m okay.” His voice cracked. “I’m trying to be.”
“You don’t have to, Karl.” I pulled away from him and met his eyes once more. “You don’t have to be right now. I don’t expect you to.”
“I know you don’t. I just want to be strong for you.”
I pulled his head down to my shoulder, just as he had mine and I whispered into his ear. “You are strong for me. But, sometimes, letting yourself feel an emotion is where you can find your strength.” And, my words caused him to just let go. He lowered to his knees and took me with him. I held him as his tears fell.
__________
“I can drive,” I said as we walked toward our cars. Karl nodded as he pulled his hat down over his ears.
We climbed into the car and I let it warm up before heading into town. We were silent as I drove and I turned the stereo up when a Two Gallants song started on my player.
I looked over at him several times. He kept his eyes focused out the side window, and it was an oddity—having this much silence between us. It wasn’t an unnerving one, it was just different.
“It’s the same hospital we met at,” he said with a smile. “Well, you know what I mean. It wasn’t an introduction, but we met there.”
“Okay,” I said, taking his hand without his offering of it. I returned a smile to him.
I drove the rest of the way into town with music playing between us. I wondered what was on his mind, but I knew had he felt the need to share, he would have.
I turned into the parking deck and bypassed the valet parking. I chose to park my car, and we walked the same way into the hospital we had exited together that first day I had my MRI. It seemed ages ago, but it wasn’t. It had been a few weeks. He looked down at my hand and tried a smile on for a moment, then seemed to remember himself and why we were here.
“We can do this, Karl. I’m here with you—every step of the way.”
He nodded as he pressed the button to call the elevator. When we made it to the room, Karl paused before knocking on the door. I let go of his hand and rested my head to his shoulder and leaned in to kiss it. “I’m here,” I reminded him.
He put his hand on the back of my head and pulled my forehead to his lips.
Without our knocking, the door opened to a tall, redheaded woman with dreadlocks and a pierced nose. Her face contorted at seeing Karl and she wrapped her arms around his neck and sniffled into his shoulder. The same shoulder I had just kissed to comfort.
Tears filled my eyes at seeing her emotions. I didn’t know her, but I understood the empty pain that gnawed at her. There’s an instant fear that fills you when something happens to a loved one. That’s not a feeling one forgets after experiencing it. Seeing Sabrina’s pain brought back my own. It was the pain of losing Lily and watching Hannah lose herself along the way.
Karl held Sabrina with a stoic desperation of his own. He had cried with me earlier and it seemed his tears were no longer present. He just held her and accepted her tears.
I realized in that moment that that is how I had always been—just the same as him. I held my strength for those that needed it, but then sometimes I too had to step back, let the tears fall, and allow others to help or carry the burden. In this moment, Karl was carrying the burden of pain for Sabrina.
/> Is this how life was—a proverbial ball toss of weighted pain? If two people felt the pain at the same time, would it weigh the same for both of them or would it be more—as if the pain doubled because they both carried each other’s pain along with their own?
I turned away from them, to give some privacy and saw a woman sitting just inside the room, near Jackson’s bed. She gave me a kind smile and placed her hand on the chair next to her, encouraging me to take a seat. I nodded in acknowledgement before sitting with a shy smile.
“Hello,” she said with a nod. “You’re Karl’s new friend,” she said as a statement and not in question.
“Yes, I am,” I said.
“I’m Isabelle, Jackson’s mother.”
I nodded with an understanding smile and looked toward Jackson for the first time. Bruises covered his body, and he had a bandage wrapped around his head. “What happened?” I asked.
“He was out riding his mountain bike. He had been riding the easier trails behind our house, but decided he wanted to go on the trails he used to go on. There is snow on the ground. What did he think he’d be able to do on a snow covered trail? His balance isn’t the same as it used to be and I knew something like this would happen. But, there is no telling Jackson to slow down. There’s no way to get him to just stop,” she said, moving her hand in a stop motion toward her lap as if the mere push downward on her thigh could slow her son down.
A tear fell from her swollen eyes. I placed my hand on her shoulder and gave a gentle rub. “I’m so very sorry. From what I met and from what I’ve heard of him from Karl—Jackson’s a very gracious, humble person, who just wants to live. There’s life in his eyes you don’t always see.”
“You described Jackson well. You’re quite an observer.”
“Thank you,” I said.
I thought her choice of words interesting, but I suppose she was correct. That went along with my job. Well, my now former job. I observed and monitored behavior and trends, using it to publicize a product. I missed it. But, I didn’t miss the other parts of it. The parts that made me feel cheap. I needed to balance it.
“I’m Maggie—Margaret,” I said, putting my hand toward her.
“Well which is it?” she asked with a half-smile.
“Margaret.”
“Why are you so unsure?” she asked.
“I’m in a transition phase. But, we don’t need to talk about me,” I said.
“If I didn’t have you to distract me and tell me about yourself, I’d cry again. I’ve been staring at my son, waiting for him to wake up and it’s becoming too much. So, where’d you meet Karl?” she asked.
“We introduced ourselves at a Christmas party last year, but I didn’t meet him until a few weeks ago.”
“Why do you say that?” she asked.
“Well because we got to know each other more—on a deeper level.”
“Oh honey, that’s not how it works. You two met last year and I imagine the first needle was thread and pulled you together. It may not have appeared that way then, but that needle was working its magic.”
“That sounds kind of metaphysical, I’m not sure if I believe in all that.”
“You don’t have to; it will still work itself out regardless of your thoughts in the matter.”
I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned to see Karl looking down at me. “I need to go with Sabrina to get some coffee. Are you okay staying here or do you want to come with?” he asked
“Will she be okay with me coming along or is it best if I stay here?” I asked.
“Go with him,” Isabelle said with a nod. “Sabrina will welcome the company, I’m sure. She doesn’t have many girlfriends.”
Karl gave Isabelle a hug. “It’s good to see you.”
Karl put his hand out and I took it. He led me from the room and he turned around just outside the door and kissed my forehead. “Thank you,” he said.
Two simple words I knew I’d spoken to him before. I was thankful for him. This was how it should be—the needing and the wanting that were both a choice. I know both of us could get through our trials on our own, but we chose to need the other during it.
“Thank you,” I said and kissed the back of his shoulder as he led me down the hall toward Sabrina.
He pulled me into his side and waved his hand to Sabrina. “Sabrina, this is Margaret.”
She smiled when she looked at me. She stood at the same height as Hannah and Karl—even a little taller. “Hello, Margaret. It’s wonderful to meet you. Jackson told me about you. He said he’s never seen his friend look so at peace—which says a lot regarding Karl. He’s like this walking Zen master who never lets anything bother him.”
I laughed a light laugh as I looked up at Karl and a smirk formed. “You’re right, he is damn calm. I like that about him.”
“Don’t we all?” she asked with a grin. “I need some coffee, but the coffee from the machine bites. Seriously—I think it would bite me in the ass if I wasn’t holding it tight in my hand,” Sabrina said, leading us to the elevator and toward the cafeteria
We took a seat at a table once we got our coffees and Sabrina sat across from us. “You know, I’ve spent a lot of time here with Jackson’s physical therapy. He always wants to get back to how he was. He tells me that all the time. But, I’ve told him, you can’t. You have to adjust to life, man.”
She toyed with her cup and I looked at the rings that adorned her fingers. They were big and chunky and full of life. “I’ve learned that as well,” I said to her. I took her hand in mine and gave it a gentle squeeze. I saw how she fidgeted with it, trying to push her thoughts out through the motion. “I know I just met you, but please don’t be afraid to talk if I’m here. If you need me to, I can go so you can just talk to Karl.”
“Of course not, girl,” she said, letting go of my hand and twirling her finger at me. “You seem like a great person. For Karl to be so taken by you, I imagine you have to be. And, any girl who’s captured Karl in such a way is a friend of mine.” She nodded before taking a drink and pulling her leg up next to her on the bench. She rested her elbow on her knee, and drank her coffee in silence for a few moments. “I love Jackson. He’s my other. Where I’m crazy, he’s sane and where I’m sane, he’s crazy. We balance the shit out of each other and I’m at a loss right now. He’s lying up there in that bed in complete silence and that’s not cool for me. I can’t watch him in silence like that. We never have silence.”
“You know, maybe don’t look at it as silence, but a different way of communicating. I’m sure he knows you’re present with him. You can communicate in other ways. He may be silent, but you don’t have to be,” I said.
“You’re right. I know. But, I just want him to wake up,” she said with a smile, trying to fight her tears. She looked out the window, watching the snow fall. She curled up in her sweater and smiled at me. “Karl, she’s a keeper. Just saying, man—she’s like you, but a chick.”
Karl laughed beside me. “I wouldn’t go that far.” He looked toward me. “But, I would say we both share a simple love and appreciation of life and talking. There is a lot of talking between us.”
I laughed and hugged his arm.
“That’s fantastic, man,” Sabrina said, finishing her coffee. “I want to get back to Jackson.”
Karl nodded and took my hand as we stood from the table He leaned to my ear and whispered, “I love you.”
“I know you do,” I said, leaning my ear toward him to kiss.
42
Karl
Fall
“This fucking sucks,” I said, stepping from the elevator and following Sabrina. She moved faster than us, as if she couldn’t spare the few seconds walking would take to get back to him.
“That’s a first I’ve heard from your mouth,” Margaret said, tightening her grip on my hand.
“I know. I don’t say it often. Sucks isn’t a word I like to say much.”
I got the reaction I hoped for in her laughter.
“Why don’t we do something for him as well?” she asked, lifting her hand to the back of my neck and massaging the base of my skull. Her fingers reached under the hat I wore and moved to massaging my scalp. “You know, Sabrina will do something. You should tell him a story. Remind him he’s not alone. I imagine there’s a part of him conscious in there that is just waiting to hear from his friend.”
“That’s an idea,” I said.
I turned to look at her and felt my lip turn up in a smile, without intending it to do it. It happened when I looked at her.
“Do you need to get somewhere? I don’t want to keep you away from anything,” I said.
“Are you serious?” she asked, digging her fingers into my scalp. “I don’t want to be anywhere else. This is where I want to be. I sent a text to my mom to reschedule my appointment. I can go another day. I mean, it was to give me my diagnosis, but we all know what it will be. If I find out today or in a few days, it will not change anything.”
“We can still go to it,” I said, taking her hand from my head and kissing her palm. “Jackson would be pissed if he knew you did that for this.”
__________
“So is that how you and Jackson met for real?” Margaret asked, pulling out of the parking deck and heading toward her doctor’s office.
“Yes, it is. I met him at the recruitment office and we went out that night and have been close since.”
“How come we’ve not seen him around much? I mean, I know you go out with the guys a lot, but why doesn’t he?”
“Jackson doesn’t drink. He never has. He and I have more fun just fishing or hiking. He’s quite the outdoorsmen. How’re you doing?” I asked, watching her expression change as I asked the question.
“I’m okay. I feel like I might puke or shit my pants though because my nerves are so crazy. I feel worse than I did the day I had my spinal tap.”
I laughed at her crudeness. It fit her.
The doctor’s office was a five minute drive, and she put the car into park. She stared at her hands on the wheel for a time before she turned the car off and looked at me. “What am I going to do?” she asked.