quintessence.

by Buhl, Sarah

  “Yes, I will.”

  He turned my feet in circles to relax my ankles and then worked his way up my calves. I let my head fall back against the couch and looked up to my ceiling. “This is lovely,” I said on a sigh.

  “Yes, it is.” Karl released one of my legs and took my hand and kissed the inside of my wrist before setting it back on my hip.

  Then, he lied down next to me on the couch and encased my body with his, my back to his chest. He pulled my hair out of the band I had it in and after freeing it, he kissed behind my ear. “Are we going to sleep out here or in your room?” he asked. “Because I’m tired myself.”

  “Me too,” I said.

  __________

  We awoke the next day to knocking on my door.

  “This is familiar,” Karl said from behind me as he sat up on the edge of my bed.

  “How’d we get in here?” I asked.

  “You kept pushing me off the couch, so I brought you in here.”

  “You shouldn’t be doing that,” I said. “Had I known of your condition before, I wouldn’t have jumped on you as much as I have.”

  He leaned over and kissed my forehead. With lips still pressed to me, he spoke. “And that is why I didn’t tell you sooner. I’ve enjoyed every moment you’ve jumped on me.” He laughed before he could finish the sentence.

  I shook my head and lifted it up so his lips no longer met my forehead but my own lips. “I need to get the door.”

  He broke our kiss and lowered himself, kissing down my neck before breathing a hot breath over each of my nipples through my tee shirt. Then he jumped from my bed and put his hand down toward me. “Okay, let’s get the door.”

  “That was lame,” I said. “You enjoy teasing,” I said with a laugh.

  I climbed from my bed and noticed he had also taken my pants off me. I pulled on a pair of shorts that lay on my floor.

  I walked the rest of the way to the door and smiled when I looked through the peep hole.

  “Who is it?” Karl asked as I opened the door to Blake and Brecken.

  “What are you two crazy kids doing here?” I asked with a smile and cross of my arms.

  Brecken pulled me in for a hug and kissed either cheek. “We were in the neighborhood. This isn’t saying much since Blake’s apartment is right around the corner.”

  Karl laughed, “I think it’s kind of inspiring that the two of you kept both your apartments and tag team them.”

  “You still have both your places?” I asked.

  “Yep, for now, but we didn’t come here to yack about our homes. How are you two?” Brecken asked.

  “Yeah man, you doing okay? Jackson’s doing fine now, right?” Blake asked Karl as he walked into my apartment. He made himself at home in the living room and it reminded me of times before when Hannah still lived here.

  “Yeah, he’s doing great. You guys want to go grab some breakfast?” Karl asked. “Margaret needs to get some food in her to prepare for her big day at her former job. They want her to come back for a special project.”

  I smiled and playfully rolled my eyes. “Okay, we don’t know what it is they want me there for.”

  “Oh, I trust that the universe has something awesome planned for you today. We will go get some sloppy breakfast and then make our way over. I know the perfect place to grab some food,” Karl said.

  “I know where we’re going,” Blake said with a grin to Brecken.

  “Oh no, not that place again. I was in the bathroom all day after that place,” Brecken said with a grunt as she sat next to Blake on the couch.

  “Is it a wise place for me to go then?” I asked with a laugh.

  “Yes,” Brecken shook her head. “It is worth it, I will not lie.”

  __________

  “Okay, so this omelet we’re sharing has hash browns, onions, sausage, and pepper jack cheese in it? Then they put sausage gravy on top of it? This will kill me,” I said as I took a bite of one of the most divine things I’ve ever eaten.

  “It’s worth it—isn’t it?” Brecken asked.

  “Yes, I believe it’s worth it,” I said through a mouthful of the cardiac arrest causing meal. It was the little things, indeed.

  “It’s good to eat like shit sometimes,” Blake said with a grin to Brecken.

  “Sometimes, as in once every seven months,” she said in response.

  I looked at Karl with a smile. “Now, is this okay for you to be eating?” I asked.

  He chuckled. “Yeah, it’s okay once in a while for me too. But, I’ve not been here since the first time Blake brought me last year. His dad and he love this place.”

  “Yes, we do. That’s why my dad has the waist on him now that he does. It’s bound to happen eating here.”

  “Then why are we here?” Brecken asked.

  “Because honey, we have to live a little sometimes. You can’t have spinach brownies all the time. You need a little protein,” he said as he took a bite of his breakfast skillet that was dripping with grease.

  “Okay, I don’t think I can eat much more,” I said on a laugh, and pushed the plate toward Brecken. She could have the rest of it.

  “So, Maggie, you’re getting back in at the advertising place?” Blake asked with a grin.

  “I’m not sure,” I said, drinking my coffee.

  “Well, I suppose we will find out soon. Keep us posted,” Blake said, keeping his focus on his food.

  “Yes, you will have to tell us all about it,” Brecken said with a big grin. “Well, at least me anyway. I will program my number into your phone.”

  She took my phone and put her number in.

  “Hey Maggie, did Karl tell you how Brecken and he know each other?” Blake asked with a smile.

  “No, he didn’t, how?” I asked.

  “Fuck you, Blake,” Brecken said with a smile. “I used to babysit him when he was a toddler. I changed his diaper and Blake finds that amusing and tries to bring it up any chance he can get.”

  I laughed. “Seriously?”

  Blake nodded and looked toward Karl. “But don’t let that make you think you have some kind of claim to her, man.”

  “I wouldn’t lay claim to any woman, Blake. It doesn’t work that way in my book.” Karl looked at me and I thought of his interpretation of us with his grandmother’s gift givers. We were together in knitted perfection. Neither owned the other, but both were better together.

  “Are you okay?” I asked putting my hand to his face. “You look a little ashen.”

  “I’m fine,” he said, pulling my hand down. “It’s the fluorescent lights.”

  I didn’t believe him and let it show on my face.

  “Okay, Gabe told me once you’re prone to being a mother hen. So, something you should know—you can’t be a mother hen with me. I love you too much to let you do that. You need to trust me. There is nothing for you to worry about. If it ever gets to where I’m not doing fine, you will be the first to know.”

  “I am not a mother hen,” I said with a scowl.

  They all laughed.

  “All of that confession and that’s what you have to say?” Blake asked.

  “Yes, that’s all you’re getting right now.” I winked at Karl and then leaned into his ear to whisper, “Thank you,” before nipping at his ear. “And I may have to stop by my apartment before we go to my former employer. That bun of yours in your hair and sitting on your rear, along with you eating such a hardy breakfast, has my imagination wandering.”

  Karl laughed out a cough as I put my hand on his thigh and gave a gentle squeeze. “Are you okay?” I asked.

  Karl shook his head with a smile as he took another bite of his food.

  “Well, Blake, I think it’s about time for us to head home. I’m full and these two need to get ready to face the day,” Brecken said.

  Blake looked at Brecken, then back to us, and a grin formed on his face. “Oh, okay. I hear ya. I’m feeling the vibe you’re putting out, wife.” He smiled at her and she backhanded his a
rm.

  “I told you not to call me that.” She stood from the table and leaned in to hug me first and then Karl. “We will get this. You two lovebirds finish your breakfast. Good luck today, Maggie.”

  “Thank you,” I said.

  Blake shook Karl’s hand, then pulled him in for a hug before he leaned down and hugged me so tight he picked me up from my chair. “I don’t know you that well, Maggie. But I know my friend Karl. He seems like he’s crazy, but he’s the most centered, down to earth person I’ve ever met. Dude’s got some crazy good ideas on the world and I love him. He’s taught me a lot. That said, you’re now one of my closest friends, because there’s no way someone who loves Karl as much, if not more than me, could not be my friend. It has to take a special person to love this guy,” Blake said with a laugh before he kissed the top of Karl’s head.

  He walked away from us with Brecken and they paid for our meal. We watched as he put his arm around her and then waved back to us as they exited. They walked past a height measurement taped along the door frame and Blake laughed as he measured Brecken’s height to his. He almost had a foot on her.

  I turned to face Karl and let his knee rest between mine. I pulled my bottom lip in and we simply looked at each other’s faces. I say simply, but it was anything but simple. My eyes welled up, and I thought of what Sabrina had said the previous day about happy tears. Happy tears filled my eyes, and a smile formed. “I’m so happy right now. The rest of the world would think I’m crazy, considering what I’ve been through the last few months. But, I am happy. I know what is going on, and yeah it sucks, but I’m still me. I’m a better version of me. I’m happier, I’m lighter, and I’m free,” I said.

  “That you are,” Karl said as he stood from the table and laid down a tip for our waitress. “I love you,” he said.

  “I know you do,” I said in return.

  He put his hand out for me to take and I did without hesitation. In the quiet of our love we existed at full volume. We didn’t define a damn thing with us, we just loved each other and that was enough.

  Epilogue

  Karl

  Summer the following year

  I walked down the hill off my front porch and toward the lake. I stood near a tree and watched Maggie feed Bob the squirrel. She laughed as he took a piece of bread from her hand and then ran away.

  “You two are some amazing people, man,” the young woman named Esther said. I hadn’t even realized she was crouching on the ground working on one of our signs. She had come here to volunteer with Mason and some of his friends. “I mean, you’ve done so much in such a short time. It’s commendable and inspiring”

  “Yeah, we did. But you guys have helped. We just started the process.” I read the sign she was finishing up, and a smile formed on my face. Jacob’s Pilgrimage. When Margaret first told me the name we should use, I teared up. She was brilliant, and according to her the name had to represent what this place meant. It wasn’t just a camp to learn outdoors tips. It was a place for those that needed a place to get away, and find themselves again if needed. There were several small cabin-like homes similar to mine being built. There were two finished other than mine. Esther herself was waiting to live in one with a couple of other girls. There were also those that just set up tents as they waited for the cabins to finish. Some of the campers were veterans; some were people who needed somewhere to go other than where they were. They were using this place as a way to remember who they were in all the confusion life had thrown at them.

  Everyone helped where they could, and that is how they paid to be here. It was our own little utopia. Many of them had come from Regina’s soup kitchen. Margaret didn’t realize it when we volunteered there that day that she started my thoughts moving in this direction. She had said, “Soup is good, but they need a place to go. They need to remember they are capable of living. That’s what I feel from them. I’ve been feeling the same way—like I’m incapable of life. It’s choked me; I feel so incapable.”

  That statement and watching our transition is what pushed me to contact Uncle Henley to do this. We grew out of our setbacks and I wanted to help others do the same.

  I walked toward Margaret as I thought of that day several months ago when she stepped into her former employer’s office. I followed after her, and she didn’t understand what we had planned for her. I had spoken with Mr. Henley about supporting my idea to make this place. He agreed with eagerness, saying it was perfect for honoring his son Jacob’s memory. He went to the advertising agency, requesting that they bring her back in as he went a step further. He donated money to them to do pro bono work for small charities that couldn’t afford to advertise themselves. Blake’s dad, Andrew, also did the same, as did Isabelle, Jackson’s mom.

  Margaret was now in charge of that division at Smithson. Gabe moved to that area as well, and all was well for them at work. Even Gabe seemed to be happier working there. Which, I didn’t think it possible for him to be happier.

  I no longer worked with Blake on roofs. I drifted away from the job after my surgery. For one, I couldn’t do some of the work for a time as I recovered. So, I spent most of my time here as a foreman of sorts. And two, I didn’t need the job thanks to Mr. Henley and his salary. He said I needed to stay here. He had told me once he knew there was a reason we rode that same bus that day years ago. We were meant to do this.

  I walked the rest of the way to Margaret and took a seat next to her on the hammock. The sun was setting, and we watched in silence as it lowered itself on the other side of the lake.

  “You know, I love all this company, but I miss being able to run out here naked at night,” Margaret said as she pulled my hair and kissed my cheek. “Your bare ass in the moonlight is always beautiful. Hmm, I wonder if that’s why they call it mooning?” she asked with a smile.

  “I don’t think so, but you never know. How’s Bob doing?” I asked.

  “He’s being his usual cheeky self. I think he likes all the company we now have here, too.”

  “He and I both do. Who’d of thought when I first came here, this is where I’d be now. I have you next to me, working side by side with me to make something amazing happen. We are creating a means for others to help themselves,” I said.

  “Yes, we are. I even have Esther and the other girls planning on learning some dance with me. See, I told you, using that old barn is coming in handy. Blake’s almost finished with the flooring. It’s amazing what happens when you look past your personal space, isn’t it?” she asked, resting her head on my shoulder and holding my waist.

  “That it is. When we look past it, we can see how every step led us to this point and to each other. I believe the universe can bring two people together, not only to love each other, but to share so much love they let it pour out of them to help those around them. It takes a softened heart to trust that even the bad can lead them to something good. Jackson taught me that. He told me once that had he not lost his legs, he wouldn’t have understood how much he loved Sabrina and she loved him. Trials remind us we’re human. We aren’t just consumers that go about gathering items and gaining status. Trials toss us back into the facts of life—we exist, we are present, we breathe, and we love. It’s the quietness of life that these people coming here long for. It’s that same quietness we’ve found together. I love that I can do this with you.”

  “Me too,” she said, laying her head on my shoulder. “Me too.”

  The Fourth Böhme Novel

  Rory

  I tried to focus on my job, believe me, I did. But, this guy made me question my insecurities and want to throw all caution to the wind. But, caution felt infantile. When I was in uniform it was as if I put on a costume. I wasn’t normal, old Rory Nelson. I was a police officer and I became a symbol more than an actual person. I was my badge and that badge meant something.

  “Do you know how fast you were going down that hill?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest, trying to assume authority. By the smile on his face, I failed.<
br />
  “Well, I was going down the hill, officer. Do I get some slack for that?” he said with another laugh that almost brought one out of me. Almost.

  “Do you know they say the same thing when going up the hill?” I asked, and wrinkled my brow in question. It wasn’t like me to say something offhanded. At normal times, I’d keep a straight face when on the job. I didn’t want anyone to see this side of me and then lose to them. I always lost when I showed this side of me.

  He laughed again and it was the first time in a while I found someone who perked up my interest and made it feel okay to smile. So I shared it freely. His comments weren’t pushing.

  He seemed to be the type of person that treated everyone this way. He wasn’t flirting; he was being himself—just being nice.

  No one can say from an early age who they are and where they can see themselves as they grow up. Some children have big dreams of what they wanted out of life. I don’t have a story like that. Everything in my life was like a remembering. I didn’t have a knowing that some people had, but kind of like a, “going with the flow and deciding this sounds good for me.” I didn’t go to work today thinking something else might change for me.

  “I’m going to let you off this time, but I still need to run your license.” I put my hand toward him, asking for it. I didn’t need to see it, but it was for my own sick, masochistic, amusement. I wasn’t going to ask him out. No, I couldn’t take that leap, yet. I was more comfortable just thinking on it.

  I looked at his license as I walked back to my squad car. Gabriel Amos Marin, born the same day as me, but a three years after me. He lived near the police station.

  Keep it together, Rory.

  I didn’t enter his information; I only wanted to read it for myself. I understand that this was a gross use of my position. But, I had to know something about him. My cellphone rang and I saw it was Reynolds. I answered the call, and in the standard Reynolds way, he spoke without a word from me. “Hey, are you in the middle of anything? Did you hear the call that went out? I need you to come here and do some crowd control. And, by crowd control, I mean taping off the area. Can you do that?”