Safe Without You

by Ward, H.

  Journal Reflection 3

  I’ve always loved nature. When my dad would get leave—what civilians call vacation—we’d almost always go camping. My mom would want to do something cultural, go to museums or plays or the symphony. That’s all fine, but what could be better than making a fire, and looking at the stars? I love paddling a canoe, and hiking, and knowing the names of trees and animals. The Colonel taught me most of what I know, but when I go some place new, I make it a point to take pictures and make notes about anything different and share it with him later.

  When I was in seventh grade, we were at Kirtland. That’s in Albuquerque, New Mexico. That summer, my mom sprained her ankle, so it was just the Colonel and me. Actually, he was a Major then, but you know what I mean.

  Anyway, I think Mom was relieved to stay at home with a stack of PBS Masterpiece Theater DVDs while Dad and I went up to the Pecos Wilderness. That’s the southern tip of the Rocky Mountains, so it means you are hiking at altitude. The trails are challenging, and we spent the first day climbing in and out of canyons, but it’s beautiful beyond belief. Then Dad decided that we should try the Winsor Trail. The first six miles starts in boggy meadows and aspen glades, but then it climbs up through the conifers where it hooks up with Skyline Trail, which certainly deserves its name.

  Even as a scrawny twelve-year old I carried a pack. Dad took the heavier stuff, the tent and food and water, but I carried my own sleeping bag and clothes, my own flashlight and knife. I liked that Dad pushed me and didn’t let me wimp out or whine, because there’s an amazing sense of accomplishment that comes from doing something that is almost too hard, but getting through it all the same. It’s even better when you get to see a gorgeous glacial lake, and meadows of wildflowers, and a magnificent bighorn sheep. And it’s absolutely perfect when it’s a girl with her father, a father that tells you that you can do anything.

  Sometimes I blame my dad for my rootless way of life, but I have to remind myself that the Colonel gave me a very precious gift. The Colonel made me understand that I never had to feel limited by my gender, that I was every bit as capable as any man. He taught me to rely on myself, on my own inner resources, to trust my gut, and to not be afraid of things just because they are hard.

  He used to say that ‘life doesn’t come with an instruction manual,’ that it’s up to you to make it what you want it to be. I know I haven’t done things the way most people have. Most people haven’t been to nine different schools or lived in four different countries or screwed their Italian tutor by the time they turn sixteen. Twenty-one is still really young, I remind myself. I still have a lot of time to figure out how to live my life.

  From South Truchas Peak, you can see for a hundred miles into Colorado. There’s nothing like the feeling of standing in the middle of total wilderness without a human, or a car or a power line in sight. I love that feeling, that feeling of being alone but not lonely, because you are connected with the sky and the earth and the plants and animals, and being alone isn’t a burden, it’s a gift.

  Chapter 3

  When Amber woke, she could feel Cal’s arm heavy on her hip. He was spooned behind her, his breath raising the tiny hairs on the back of her neck. She liked the feel of his arm slung over her; it seemed at once both possessive and protective. Her bladder was pinching again, and she eased out from under his hand and padded to the bathroom. After she peed, she stared at her face in the mirror. Something seemed different about her face, and then she realized it was that the pucker of her brow had smoothed out, the corners of her mouth had eased. She was looking at the face of Amber McShane, relaxed. How long had it been, since she’d let herself go?

  She brushed her teeth, and washed her face, then gave her hair a good combing. In the mirror she could see Cal starting to stir, and then prop himself up on one elbow.

  “Good morning,” he said in a sleepy voice.

  “How’d you sleep?”

  “Better that I have in ages,” he yawned.

  “Yeah, me too. What do you think that’s about?” She came back and sat down on the bed next to him.

  “I think it had something to do with that shower, and probably a lot to do with roadside activities.”

  Amber smiled and combed Cal’s hair back from his face with her fingers. “I think I have to agree.”

  “I vote for a day at the beach,” Cal picked up Amber’s hand and idly played with her fingers.

  “What about Darien? I was thinking I’d catch the bus to Panama City today, and then head there tomorrow.” Amber scrunched her mouth up, thinking.

  “Darien will be there the day after tomorrow. Come with me to the beach.”

  “How can you expect me to make any decisions without coffee?”

  “Get dressed and I’m buying you breakfast. I need some tortillas.”

  They walked down the beach to a little joint with a placard advertising breakfast. Cal stepped up to the counter.

  “Café con leche and a double espresso. And two of the breakfast specials.”

  “How do you know that’s what I want?” Amber raised an eyebrow.

  “I know,” Cal said.

  They found a little table and sat side by side, looking out at the water.

  “How’d you get those scars, Cal?” Amber said, without looking at him.

  “Wow, you sure know how to kick start the day.” The waiter set their coffees down, and Cal slowly stirred a spoonful of sugar into his espresso. “Are you sure you want to know?”

  Amber looked at him, “The way I see it is that there are two possible scenarios: one is a weird ass accident, the other is abuse. Either way, maybe you’ve got some kind of post-traumatic thing going on—a girl needs to know what she’s dealing with.”

  “You don’t sugarcoat things, do you?”

  “Remember? My father the colonel? I grew up having the value of truth and efficiency drilled into me. If I’m going to start altering my plans, well, I need full disclosure.”

  “I got them because I’m a pilot.”

  “Mmm—that just made my bullshit meter go off.”

  Cal shrugged. “Well, it’s the truth.”

  “But it didn’t tell me anything,” Amber prodded.

  “Can’t we just have a nice breakfast and then go to beach? Pretend like we are normal people? Look—here’s our food.”

  The waiter set their plates down, “Anything else you need?”

  “No amigo, we’re good,” Cal answered.

  Amber glared at Cal before turning to the waiter, “Actually, could I get some hot sauce please?”

  “No problem,” said the waiter.

  “Stop presuming to know my mind,” Amber said testily.

  “Stop presuming you have the right to know everything about me,” Cal shot back. He sighed, “Look, I don’t want to fight with you. I want to have another relaxing day. Truce?”

  “Yeah, okay, truce.” Amber shook hot sauce onto her plate. Her voice softened, “I’m sorry Cal. Sometimes I don’t even know why I do half the things that I do. I’m a little screwed up. Just so you know what you’re dealing with.”

  “Show me someone who isn’t screwed up. I get you more than you might think. My dad is a military guy too. Retired now, but he still works as a military contractor. I didn’t have a Beaver Cleaver childhood either.” He cut into his tortilla with the side of his fork, “Don’t let your food get cold. We’ve got to fuel up for a big day on the beach.”

  Amber tried to smile and change the subject, “I have mad Frisbee skills, you know.”

  “Really?” Cal tilted his head. “I’ll be the judge of that.”

  ###

  Playing on the beach all day was nice, Amber had to admit. They had sunned and swam and played Frisbee. They made an elaborate sand castle, and got dragged into a few games of beach volleyball. To anyone watching, they would have appeared totally normal, just an American couple on vacation.

  They drifted back to Cal’s bungalow to change before going out to dinner.
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  “I’m going to jump in the shower and get the sand out of all my nooks and crannies,” Amber said as she grabbed a fresh towel.

  “You need any help with the excavation?” Cal smiled lasciviously.

  Amber popped the towel at him, “It’ll go faster if I do it solo.”

  “Suit yourself.”

  Ten minutes later, Amber cut the water in the shower and wrung out her hair. “Cal…” she called, but there was no answer. She stepped out into the bedroom, wrapping the towel around her, and looked around. Cal’s messenger bag was gone. She ran over to the corner where she had dumped her things and frantically looked through the mess. Her little shoulder bag with her passport and $412 was gone too.

  “Son of a bitch!” She screamed, and kicked the pile of dirty clothes and camping gear. How could she have been so naïve? If something looks too good to be true, it probably is. Amber collapsed on the bed and started to cry.

  The door opening startled her, and she looked up at Cal with her tear-streaked face.

  He rushed over and kneeled by the bed, “What’s wrong? Did something happen? I just went to put our valuables in the office safe while we go out tonight.”

  Amber wiped her nose on the back of her hand, and thought again, if something looks too good to be true, it probably is.

  ###

  As they walked back from the restaurant along the beach, Amber and Cal said little to one another. The sound of the waves crashing on the sand as the tide came in seemed to fill up all available space.

  “I love that sound,” Amber murmured, “It’s timeless. Humans have been listening to that for thousands, maybe even millions of years.”

  “It’s soothing, I give you that,” Cal said, “And I like that the breezes keep all the bugs at bay. I’m tired of mosquitos the size of my Cessna.”

  “You said you were getting a new plane?”

  “Next week, yeah,” Cal reached down and picked up a pretty shell glistening in the moonlight and handed it to Amber.

  She toyed with the shell, “So what happened to the old one?”

  “Crashed.” He said it in an off-handed way, as if it weren’t a big deal.

  “Is that how you got those scars?”

  Cal didn’t say anything as he slipped his arm around Amber’s waist. “Do we have to talk about that? It’s not like it’s something I’m proud of...I’d rather do this.” Cal dropped down in the sand, pulling Amber down with him so that she was lying on top of him. He gently pulled her face to his and began kissing her. He worked his way over to her neck and then up to her ear where he whispered, “Don’t go to Darien.”

  “I’m going to Darien,” Amber said, “But maybe not tomorrow.”

  Cal flipped her over so that he was above her, supporting his weight on his outstretched arms, “Good, because I’d like to get some more sand in your nooks and crannies.”

  “Has anyone ever told you that you have a one track mind?” Amber tapped the end of Cal’s nose with her index finger.

  “That’s not true.” Cal rolled his eyes. “I also like to eat…and I do enjoy a beer.”

  Amber laughed.

  “Let’s go skinny dipping,” Cal said.

  Casting a look toward the crashing waves, Amber looked dubious, “I don’t know, it looks pretty rough now, and it’s dark. What if I get carried away by an undertow?”

  “You’d just have to become a mermaid, then.” He lowered himself so that he could nip at her neck, “I’m pretty sure that you have gills there.”

  “What made you crash Cal?”

  “Why are you so obsessed with that?” He rolled off her, and looked up at the stars overhead.

  “I just can’t figure out why you are so reluctant to talk about it. You know, chicks dig scars. Most guys would be bragging about how they got them.”

  Cal gave a little grunt to show his disgust with that idea. “If you’re expecting me to act like most guys, then you are going to be in a perpetual state of disappointment Amber McShane.”

  “I can’t say that there are many guys who would retire their cock for two years because of a family problem. Most guys like to fuck out their stress.”

  “Fucking isn’t really an option when you’re in traction,” Cal raised an eyebrow. “Although there was a nurse who offered to give me a hummer.”

  “And you didn’t accept?” Amber shook her head.

  Cal shrugged, “He wasn’t all that cute.”

  Amber giggled as she struggled to her feet and started taking off her clothes. “Last one in is a rotten egg.” Her feet churned up sprays of sand as she ran toward the water. In moments, Cal was naked and chasing her. Amber dived into the surf, the slight sting of the saltwater making her blink her eyes hard as her head popped up above the water. She pushed her hair back away from her eyes, as she treaded water, searching around her for Cal. But Cal had disappeared. Turning in circles, she could start to feel the nip of panic biting at her heels. Then suddenly he exploded out of the water directly in front of her, making her scream.

  “Geez Amber, do you always scream like a little girl?” Cal asked as he settled in the water.

  “I can scream however I damn please and whenever I want to.” She started swimming away before Cal could see the anxiety in her face that signaled that his disappearance—more than his sudden appearance—had truly scared her. Cal swam after, quickly catching up to her and pulling her into the circle of his arms.

  “That was stupid of me, I’m sorry,” Cal said remorsefully.

  “Maybe you could try to act a little more like other guys?”

  “You mean like an asshole? I thought that’s what I was doing.” Cal tried to sooth her with little kisses on her face as they bobbed in the water. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to fight.”

  “Maybe I should just pack up and leave for Darien in the morning,” Amber pushed herself backwards away from Cal, and floated on her back in the water.

  “You’re going to get mad because I startled you?”

  “No, I’m going to get mad because this is a bad idea.” Amber sighed.

  “This? This what?”

  “This…us…me hanging out with you. Not a good idea.” A wave threatened to capsize Amber, and she righted her body into a vertical position.

  “You’re just mad because you want to be in charge and you can’t control me.” Cal offered.

  “Why would I want to control you? I can barely control myself.”

  “Come on, you know you want to keep me as your sex slave,” Cal teased.

  Amber started to melt just a little, “You have a high opinion of your talents, don’t you?”

  “What matters is, do you?” Cal swam close and tenderly touched Amber’s face with his fingertips. “It’s been such a long time since I’ve had any fun, and I’d like to have fun with you, Amber McShane.”

  “Why do you do that?”

  “Do what?”

  “Call me by both my names.”

  “Well, Amber McShane, I think that’s just my way of trying to understand who you are—most girls have one name that I barely remember, but you aren’t like most girls. You’re memorable.”

  Amber could feel the old doubt creep up, the pain of being judged. She wanted her confidence back, the part of her that made it possible to be alone, but the ironic thing was that she wanted Cal’s approval so she could find it again. “Having sex is never really a problem for me, so I don’t give a shit if you tell me I’m great in bed,” Amber said.

  “You are great in bed, but that’s not what makes you memorable,” Cal lifted a wet strand of hair from Amber’s cheek, tucking it back over her ear. “What makes you memorable is that you have guts. And guts are in short supply these days.”

  Amber snorted, “Guts?” She started swimming for shore, but secretly, she was pleased. Cal watched as Amber materialized naked from the surf, her skin glistening in the moonlight like the pearly shell he had given her. There was strength in her body and he liked that. The corded muscles in
her calves stood out as she tried to keep her balance while the sand shifted beneath her feet. Once up on the beach proper, she turned to face him, a deliberate move to allow him to gaze at her. She extended her arms, shivering as the breeze caressed the droplets of water off her skin. He thought her breasts were beautiful; they were full and rounded, with delicate pink nipples, and they had the natural response to gravity that told him they were completely real. The warmth of the water did nothing to slow his erection, and he wondered what she would think when he emerged from the water.

  “What are you waiting for? I thought you were my sex slave,” Amber taunted him.

  Cal couldn’t decide if the sensation of weight in his cock was pleasurable or not. He did know that every fiber of him wanted to be inside of Amber as he stepped out on the beach.

  “Come here,” Amber commanded, “I’m going to be your sex slave. Clearly you need attention.”

  Walking up to Amber, Cal slipped behind her, as he pressed himself against her backside. His hands cradled her beautiful breasts, and then he started teasing her nipples. The breeze was making them hard and sensitive and she pushed back against his body as he touched them. He caressed each with a fingertip, and as she whimpered her desire for more assertive attention, she reached back and grabbed Cal’s shaft, feeling his cock become even harder and more rigid under her fingers. Without warning, he pinched her aching nipples. Her breath caught and her hand fell away as she whispered, “Again.” Cal obliged as he rubbed his tingling member between the swell of her butt cheeks.

  Amber dropped to her knees, and pillowed her head on her arms in the sand, her lovely backside raised in the air in an unmistakably invitation. Cal slid his hand between her legs, gently spreading them ever so slightly, and slipped a finger inside her to find her wet and ready. He slid in the tip of his cock into her waiting pussy as he encircled her clit with his wet finger.

  The throbbing of her clit was almost too much, Amber thought, and then he pushed into her, sinking the full weight and length of his cock into her. She closed her eyes, and he folded over her, not moving inside her, but returning his attention to her nipples with his fingers. Then he began slowly thrusting. Amber felt lightheaded, pushing back with her bottom to meet his movement and she could hear Cal’s breath quicken as he deliberately pulled back and then pushed himself in bit by bit. Each time he did it, her excitement grew and then his finger rippled across her clit, and suddenly, an orgasm of shattering intensity caught her completely by surprise. She gasped and cried out, grinding back against Cal and then she felt him give himself over to his own pleasure with a guttural sound.