by J P Barnaby
“Fuck,” he groaned as the dull burning throb built and his tiny opening stretched to accommodate the invasion of Ben’s cock. Sliding back farther, he tried to take it all but stopped for a moment to let his body grow accustomed to the penetration.
“Are you okay?” Ben asked as he squeezed Jude’s hip. Something must have shown on Jude’s face because he asked if Jude wanted to stop. No fucking way. He’d wanted this for so goddamn long. He’d get over a little bit of pain. Rather than trying to take Ben all at once, he began rocking forward and backward with small movements, fucking himself slowly on the dick partially embedded in his ass.
“Oh, that’s good.” Ben’s moan brought his attention back to the man beneath him rather than the uncomfortable pain in his rectum. Ben looked beautiful with his head thrown back and his body arched beneath Jude. Tentatively, Jude put a hand on his chest, not to steady himself, but just to feel that connection with Ben. Ben’s fingers tightened on his hip in response. For the first time in a long time, Jude felt content. No, content wasn’t the right word. He felt… complete. He felt as if some missing piece of his soul had connected with his body, closing the hole that had been left gaping for so long.
They made love slowly, savoring each other’s bodies. The way Ben’s body arched and his hand stayed on Jude’s chest made the experience almost painful in its intensity. Jude couldn’t help but lean down and seal their lips in dozens of heated kisses, each deeper and more intimate than the last. Ben’s hands cradled Jude’s face, and Jude shattered. He’d never be able to hide his love for Ben again after this. Never. It would always show plainly in everything he did. This experience would leave them irrevocably altered. Jude had no idea how to deal with that, so he simply grabbed the connection with both hands held on tight.
He bounced harder on Ben’s cock, taking it impossibly deep, savoring the pain for when he was alone again. Just when he thought he might be able to catch his breath, Ben spit into his palm, wrapped both hands around Jude’s cock, and began to stroke it. So fucking good. Jude gave up trying to make their encounter last. The enraptured look on Ben’s face, the whimpers that fell from his lips, even the smell of sex that permeated the room drove Jude closer to his release.
A tension built in Jude’s chest, an intensity that matched the swelling pressure in his balls. Warmth, born not of arousal, but of emotion swirled through him, heightening the desperate need to come all over his lover’s chest, to mark him as Jude’s. Ben cried out into his mouth with another frantic kiss. They were spiraling, being taken higher and higher until they found that perfect free fall. Ben’s hands slid around his waist, grasping at his ass as he continued to ride Ben hard.
Ben’s hips flexed, driving his cock deep into Jude, and then again. Jude’s back arched as he rose and fell on Ben’s thick shaft. He wanted to stay in that moment, that feeling of euphoria, forever, but he’d never been fortune’s friend. With one perfectly angled stroke that nailed his prostate with excruciating pleasure, Jude erupted over Ben’s hands, crying out his name. He called out to God and anyone else who cared to listen as the orgasm exploded through him, and he buried his face against Ben’s shoulder, hiding the depth of his feelings even as Ben thrust up into him awkwardly, hampered by the lack of leverage from his damaged leg.
“God, it’s good…. So good….”
Ben’s head drove back into the pillow and his back locked in an arch, his teeth bared, tendons straining, lifting Jude as he came violently. A harsh grunt escaped his lips between locked jaws as he shuddered. He wrapped both arms around the small of Jude’s back, holding on tight as he panted into Jude’s neck, whispering unintelligible words around their frantic heartbeats.
It took several moments for Jude to realize he was probably crushing Ben and start to slide to the side, but Ben held on tight.
“Wait…. Let me…. Just don’t move for a few minutes, okay?” Ben asked, and Jude snuggled closer against him, reveling in the affection he’d never allowed himself to hope for. He nodded against Ben’s shoulder even as Ben’s strong hands rubbed up and down his back. He could still feel the softening shaft inside him, but he didn’t move, didn’t want to lose that connection until he had to.
“We need to talk about this. Please don’t run away again,” Ben whispered against his hair, and Jude kissed the soft skin of Ben’s shoulder without acknowledging the plea.
They remained entwined, delighting in the feel of each other’s skin, not speaking for the better part of half an hour, until Jude’s legs began to sting with pins and needles. Carefully, trying not to jostle Ben, he slid from his mount and collapsed onto his back on Ben’s good side. Without hesitation, Ben wrapped his arm around Jude, pulling the other man onto his chest. It felt to Jude as if Ben needed some kind of anchor, something to tether and ground him in the storm of emotion present in his eyes. Ben surged forward, capturing Jude’s mouth in a slow kiss.
“What happens now?” Ben asked, and the pain, the fear, in his voice ripped across Jude’s chest. “Please, I’ve fucked up again, I know I have. I’ve taken advantage of our friendship so much since that fucking accident, since…. Damn it. I don’t know what to do, Jude. I can’t lose you, please, tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”
Every dream, every fantasy Jude had ever had suddenly came true; laid out in front of him in one beautiful frantic moment. He needed to only extend a hand, and Ben would be his. Only…. He didn’t know if he could be that selfish. Nothing in Ben’s speech indicated that he wanted to be with Jude like a lover, only that by making love, he’d “fucked up again.” But he had said that he couldn’t lose Jude.
Jude closed his eyes and blew out the deep breath he’d been holding. His mother’s voice came unbidden into his head. Just when it seems like the truth is the last thing you should tell, that’s usually when you need to tell it most. Opening his eyes again, he held up one finger asking Ben to give him a moment to collect his thoughts. It wasn’t just about how Jude felt about Ben; it was also about Ben’s obvious need for pain, his need to be dominated. That would always loom like a shadow over any kind of relationship they attempted to have together. If Ben could find a way to love him, maybe Jude could find a way to give Ben what he needed. God, the thought of what he’d done the night before, leaving bruises and welts on someone he loved, horrified him. He had no idea how to reconcile that with Ben’s need.
Jude reached forward and stroked Ben’s left cheek, the one unencumbered by scars, and with the gentlest affection leaned forward to kiss Ben. Slow and tender, he took that one opportunity to show Ben how he felt before he whispered the words against his lips.
“I love you, Ben.”
Jude kept his face buried in Ben’s shoulder so he didn’t have to see the emotions play out on Ben’s face. The tension that suddenly built in the arms around him were indication enough of how the words were received. Rather than running like a schoolgirl as he had the last time they’d woken up in bed together, he stayed still, waiting for Ben to work through what he was thinking and feeling. After all, Ben had given him all the time he needed to work up the courage for his admission. He could, at least, return that courtesy.
“I’m so broken, Jude,” he said softly, and Jude could hear it in his voice. Ben truly felt broken. “I never thought anyone would say that to me. I don’t… I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what I’m feeling except that you’re the best friend I’ve ever had and I can’t even think about what my life would be like without you. Is that love? I’ve never been in love. I don’t know what it means. But….” He paused, taking a deep shuddering breath, and Jude tightened his arm around Ben’s chest, holding him close as he waited for the rest. “But I’d like to figure it out with you. Would you help me figure it out?”
“Oh God,” Jude whispered, his heart thundering in his chest. He’d never ever thought Ben would want to try to have a relationship with him, no matter how many times they’d ended up in bed.
He was nodding even as he drove Ben into the p
illow with the force of his kiss.
EVEN THE desire for pain, the need for a Dom, everything was driven from Ben’s mind in that moment by the sheer force of Jude’s kiss. Jude loved him. Loved him. His parents had told him that, and Juliette, but outside of his close-knit family, he’d never heard those words. As he tangled his fingers in Jude’s overgrown golden hair, he tried not to listen to that dark voice in the back of his mind and what it said of Jude’s love. Instead, he took Jude at his word because his friend had never lied to him, never tried to hurt him.
Love.
Ben wanted to make love again, wanted to stem the tide of emotion crashing through him with another physical release, but Jude had sapped his strength with the energetic ride that left him breathless. Jude had looked so fucking beautiful, straddling Ben’s hips, head thrown back and hips rolling against his. God, his cock started to get hard just thinking about it. But the blunt edges of sleep were starting to push at the corners of his consciousness, so he simply wrapped Jude tighter in his arms and succumbed to it, trying to figure out what to do with the knowledge that Jude loved him.
All he really knew was that Jude’s love made him feel warm all over, and he missed warmth. He missed it so fucking much.
“Hey,” Jude said quietly, tenderly, against his cheek, and Ben nuzzled closer to the warm voice. A slow hand moved up and down his chest, not teasing, but comforting, as the vestiges of sleep rolled back from Ben’s mind.
“Hey,” he replied and reached over to stroke Jude’s hair.
“How are you feeling?” The tentative, nervous tenor of Jude’s voice hurt Ben’s heart. The last time they’d woken up in bed together after a night of fucking, he’d turned away from Jude, his head too messed up to think about the previous night. He was still messed up, but something inside him wouldn’t let him turn away from Jude. Each time he thought of Jude’s devastated face, a desperate ache burned his chest.
“My knee hurts like a bitch, but other than that, I’m good,” he said and pulled Jude close enough to kiss his sleep-dampened forehead. The shaky sigh that escaped Jude sounded a bit like relief, but more of fear. Ben had few reassurances for him. They needed to talk. There was so much Jude still needed to know before they tried to label or define whatever was happening between them. If he fucked up again, he could lose his best friend.
“Let me get your pain meds and some water,” Jude said, half rising to crawl out of bed. Ben held tight and pulled Jude back onto his chest.
“I’m getting up too. Can we go make breakfast and talk for a while? Last night…. Last night was a bit of a shock for me. I’m still trying to get my head around everything that happened, and I want to do that with you. There are some things that we need to talk about before we… I don’t know, before we try to figure out what’s happening with us. Does that make sense?” Ben asked, and to his surprise, Jude smiled and kissed his cheek.
“I think that’s a good idea. Let me grab your crutches,” Jude said with another quick kiss and then scampered off the bed. The crutches seemed to have landed somewhere just outside the bathroom door. Ben didn’t remember getting to bed without them, but then he didn’t remember much after being pounded over the bathroom sink. A slow smile spread across his face as he remembered, and he wondered if Jude had marked him with the belt.
Jude held up the crutches next to the bed and then went to Ben’s dresser to grab clothes. Ben threw back the blankets, stretched as much as his knee would allow, and carefully pushed his legs over the side of the bed. He leaned to the side to grab his phone off the bedside table and check it. His mother had gotten into the habit of calling every morning to see how he was. While he rolled his eyes a bit each time she called, it also warmed something inside him that had been cold since Juliette’s death. He tried not to analyze it too deeply.
A shocked gasp behind him made him jerk his head around to look at Jude. His favorite Bush T-shirt and a pair of loose running shorts were fisted tightly in one hand while the other covered Jude’s open mouth. Without a word, Jude took a step toward the bed, almost like he was afraid to get any closer.
“What, Jude? What is it?” Ben held his hand out to Jude, who remained frozen, his eyes wide and fixed on Ben, but not on his eyes. Ben twisted and saw spectacular bruises on his hip from where Jude had held on so tight while fucking him in the bathroom. He could only imagine what his ass looked like, but judging by Jude’s reaction it was bad. His ass was sore, but it was nothing more than he was used to.
“I want you to take a deep breath,” Ben told him in a quiet voice. He didn’t move, he didn’t do anything but breathe deeply and hope that Jude would breathe with him. This could go so badly if he didn’t handle it well. Obviously horrified at the bruises he had inflicted, Jude could bolt, and Ben would never get him back. Doms had been doing aftercare with him for what seemed like forever; he could give a little to Jude. “That’s it, now another. It’s okay, Jude. I promise that it’s okay.”
Another breath, in and out, slowly. He noticed a tremor in Jude’s hands.
Ben reached out and carefully took hold of Jude’s hand. After a moment, as if he were dealing with a frightened child, he pulled Jude to sit next to him on the bed. Jude’s eyes drifted down Ben’s body, but Ben tilted his chin back up so that their eyes met.
“What we did last night was fucking amazing, Jude. It was so hot, I can’t even tell you. I don’t regret it, and I don’t want you to either. In fact, I was just thinking that I can’t wait to check the mirror and see if you’d marked me. I…. Well, I’d love to have your marks on me,” Ben told Jude before kissing his forehead. They stayed like that, quiet in each other’s arms for a long time—too long, it seemed, for Ben. “Please tell me I didn’t fuck this up already,” he whispered against Jude’s skin.
“You didn’t fuck it up. I fucked it up,” Jude burst out, and Ben finally relaxed. An outburst was progress. When they’d had awkward moments before, the silence could go on for days, even weeks between them. He never wanted that to happen again. “I hurt you, Ben. I hurt you after I waited so long for….” He stopped talking and looked away.
“You didn’t hurt me. You didn’t do anything to me that I didn’t want, didn’t need,” Ben said gently. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer but needed to ask the question anyway. “You waited so long for what?”
Jude stared down at his hands, and Ben let him because he wasn’t looking at the bruises; he seemed to be lost in his own head. It took a long time for Jude to either find the answer or find the courage to answer. Patience, he could do. As a sub, Ben had learned patience in spades. Rather than pressing Jude for an answer, he simply slid his hand into his friend’s where it rested in Jude’s lap. Finally, Jude spoke to their entwined fingers.
“I waited so long for you to want me.”
“Oh babe, it wasn’t that I didn’t want you. God, I must have jacked off thinking about you more times than I can count. I just…. I don’t deserve you. My whole life is one giant fuck-up, from the moment I was born till the moment I manipulated you into bed with me. I don’t want to drag you down with me. You’re… you’re so beautiful, and good, and you’re just this amazing guy. I don’t want to hurt you or drive you away. I can’t imagine you not being in my life every day,” Ben finished in a rush, mimicking Jude’s pose and watching their linked hands.
“What do you want, Ben?”
“I want to keep you in this bed and never leave it, never face the outside world, but that’s not exactly realistic,” Ben said with a small laugh, making Jude look up. Their eyes met, and Ben kissed his smiling lips. “But right now, I’d settle for breakfast and to see where things go from there.”
“I think I can manage that. I’m going to throw on some clothes and then make a couple of omelets. Just hobble to the couch and we can sit and eat, maybe talk, and if you’re very nice to me, go back to bed for a while,” Jude said with a mischievous smirk that infused his voice with wicked humor. He handed the shirt and shorts to Ben and t
hen, with the flash of another smile over his shoulder, walked naked from the room and down the hall to his own bedroom. Ben’s mind reeled at how absolutely wild and out of character last night had been for Jude. He’d never thought in a million years that Jude could be what he needed. Somewhere over the last four years, he’d come to care very deeply for Jude. With his fucked-up perceptions of relationships and emotions, he had no idea if he was in love with Jude or simply felt something as his friend, but he couldn’t deny the unbreakable hold the man had on him.
Ben took a few long slow breaths and then hooked the right leg of his shorts over his foot. He had to be careful of the brace but pulled them up to the knee before contorting to put his left foot in the other hole. After a little bit of bedside gymnastics, he was able to get the shorts up over his hips. The shirt went on much easier, especially without the cast recently removed from his right arm. God, he couldn’t wait to get rid of the brace.
Using the crutches judiciously, he tottered down the hall a few feet to the bathroom. The left crutch he rested against the wall while he pulled his shorts down just enough to piss. As he waited for his bladder to drain, he caught sight of the gorgeous bruising in the mirror on the back of the bathroom door next to him. He adjusted the crutch so he could turn slightly and see uneven stripes from the belt across his ass and smaller, oval-shaped bruises along the backs of his thighs. A silver-backed hairbrush lay on the vanity. Susan had probably left it when she’d stayed to help Ben on the nights Jude stayed late at the office. She’d stayed over a handful of times during his recovery.
Thankfully, he finished and shook off his dick before it started to get hard from the memory of Jude dominating and whipping him over the bathroom sink. He pulled his shorts back up around his hips and moved two steps to the left to wash his hands. The mirror above the sink reflected a glow in his face he hadn’t really seen before. For a long time he stood there lathering his hands and wondered if the light in his eyes came from Jude.