* * *
WYATT WAS SITTING on the porch steps when they returned. Josh helped Jules down and stowed his gear.
“What took so long?”
Jules skipped along the sidewalk, making her long black hair swing wildly. “We stopped at Ms. Charlie and Shiloh’s house so they could meet my new uncle.”
Wyatt glanced up at Josh with a glint in his eyes. “Oh? And how did that go?”
“I don’t even know what to think. She’s a character.”
Wyatt stood and they went inside. Sadie was at the kitchen table with her laptop and a pile of Cleaning Crew paperwork beside her. She rose to give him a hug. Josh felt the knot of tension that had accompanied him from Columbia ease up a little. Though not related by blood, he considered her to be his big sister. She knew him. She understood him like others could not.
Wyatt’s hand came down for a brief squeeze on his shoulder. “Jules and I are going up to Fiery Ron’s to get some ribs. What sides you want?”
Josh cleared his throat. “Um. Collards and grits.”
“Collards are gross,” Jules said.
“Collards are delicious.”
“Slimy like snails.”
“And you’ve eaten enough snails to know this?”
“Jules,” Sadie said, interrupting the banter. “Go put on a clean shirt before y’all leave.”
“Okay, Momma Sadie.”
Josh lifted an eyebrow as Jules left the kitchen. “That’s new.”
Sadie leaned against the counter. “Yeah.”
Her voice was soft and Josh looked at her. Really looked at her. Everything seemed soft. Her eyes, her body language. Calm. At peace. He felt his own constant tension more acutely than ever. Sadie had faced her demons, exorcised the pain of a childhood spent in foster care. His jaw clenched as his frustration rose again. He didn’t know what to do. So he’d come to the only person he knew would understand.
Sadie reached for his hand. “I know.”
“What are we doing, here, Sades? What are we playing at?” he asked in a low, choked voice.
She squeezed his hand and he was able to momentarily forget his fear and confusion. When her eyes darted over his shoulder, he straightened. They weren’t alone. He turned his head to see Wyatt and Jules moving past the doorway of the kitchen.
“We’re heading out,” Wyatt said. “Shouldn’t take more than twenty minutes.”
After the front door shut behind them, Josh turned to Sadie. “Had this planned, did you?”
“Of course I did.” She motioned to the den. “Let’s talk.”
It was odd, watching Sadie curl up on the huge sectional couch in the den. It was a family room. Giant sofa. Bookshelves. Big-screen TV mounted on the wall. A place for a family to cozy up together and read or watch TV. A year ago, Sadie would have run in terror from such intimacy. Now she looked completely at home. He was the one who didn’t belong anywhere. He sank down in the corner of the sofa opposite Sadie.
“We aren’t playing at anything, Josh. This is life. We’re living it.”
“You’re living here now?”
“No. Just hanging out on the weekends. Jules is a good kid. She’s doing well dealing with the loss of her mother and all the changes. But change is stressful even if it’s good change. Trying to ease into her life a little at a time.”
“I guess that makes sense. When did you get so smart?”
“Same place you got so smart. We’ve seen the wrong way. What are you going to do about your sister?”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“It’s a hard decision.”
This is why he’d had to come to here. Sadie understood immediately all the complexities of the situation. She had gone through the same thing, almost. Her half brother had reached out to her and she’d had to decide if she wanted to risk bringing the mother who’d abandoned her back into her life. She’d done it on her own terms. Faced down her mother and was slowly getting to know her half siblings.
“What if she doesn’t know, Sades? Huh? What if she doesn’t know she was adopted? What if she doesn’t know that her biological father was a piece-of-shit monster that murdered our mother and then himself? What if she doesn’t know he probably was going to kill us, too, if I hadn’t hidden with her?”
Sadie let out a long sigh. “What have you been telling me about Kim ever since I met you? That you wanted to know that she was safe. That she was happy. That the not knowing what happened to her was torturing you. You have that answer now.”
He rubbed at the back of his neck, trying to relieve the tension there. “I know.”
Sadie let the silence play out. Finally, she stretched out a leg and pushed against his knee with her bare toes. He looked up at her. “Now you want more?”
“Yes. And it’s so entirely selfish.”
“It isn’t selfish, Josh. It’s—”
“It is,” he said, cutting her off. “Kim is living a normal life. She had parents who loved her. She went to college. She teaches second graders and is planning her wedding. And I want to crash into all that and ruin it with this garbage.”
“And what if she does know, Josh? What if she knows all about it and wonders where her big brother is. The big brother who saved her life?”
“What if she doesn’t?”
Sadie rolled her eyes and glared at him. The stubborn, bulldog expression on her face was so like the old Sadie that it actually got a smile out of him. “Wallowing doesn’t become you, Josh. The question isn’t whether or not you want to reach out to her. You do. The question you want answered is will she be receptive or not? Will you be rejected? That’s scary. I get it. I never had the courage to reach out.”
“But you had the courage to confront your mother.”
Sadie flapped a hand at him. “That was rage-driven. Rage is easy. You aren’t looking for a confrontation. You’re looking for connection. That’s some scary shit.”
Yeah, that was exactly what it was, and he’d been dealing with it all his life. Running from connections. From commitments. Never daring to expose anyone to the potential monster within him. He’d only let Sadie get close. Because his demons didn’t scare her. Nor did they shock her. She’d seen worse.
“You’ve waited twenty years, Josh,” Sadie said softly. “You don’t have to decide right this minute. Give it some time to sink in.”
He let his head drop back and stared at the ceiling. He was so tired of thinking about it. Maybe he should forget about it for a while. Put it in a box and shove it way back in the darkest corner of his mind.
Sadie’s foot pushed against his knee again. “So, what’s the deal with your cute little neighbor who is now your receptionist?”
“Nothing,” he said, irritated. Mickie was another problem altogether. A problem he was having more and more trouble ignoring. He certainly didn’t want to discuss her with Sadie. “What’s the deal with the Momma-Sadie thing?”
He knew that’d get her off his case. She went tense and guarded. It’d been so long since he’d seen her like this and the difference was startling. He wondered if that’s how he appeared. Tense. Guarded. Fear and suspicion lurking in his gaze.
“I’m not sure,” Sadie said in a low voice. “You know Wyatt adopted Jules, right?”
“Yeah.”
“He...well, really they want me to adopt Jules, also. After the wedding.”
“Really?” The word took about ten seconds to completely leave his mouth. Sadie. A mother.
“Really.” Her tone was self-deprecating and she rolled her eyes as she said it.
“I can see it.”
She pulled her legs up and turned to face him. “Can you?”
“Yes. Jules adores you. You are crazy about her. I don’t know if you realize this, Sades, but you’re pre
tty fierce when you care about someone. Like a mother grizzly. Do you want to do it?”
“I do. And I don’t. Wyatt doesn’t want her to fall into any kind of limbo if anything ever happened to him. I understand that, but that’s a huge commitment. Bigger than getting married, I think. To allow a child to depend on you, that’s a lifelong promise. You can’t ever go back on that.”
“Which is exactly why you will be the best mother for her. You know exactly what you are signing up for. And you’re up to the task. And I think you know that or you wouldn’t have allowed her to call you Momma in the first place.”
A wobbly smile appeared on her lips and she wiped at her eyes. Her expression was soft and relaxed again. “I hate that you know me so well sometimes.”
“Too bad.”
“Just tell me one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“Why isn’t this true for you?”
He narrowed his eyes, feeling his walls snapping up. “What?”
“You say I’ll be a good mother because I’m fierce about those I love. You are, too, Josh. Exactly like me. So why do you think you won’t be a good father?”
He got to his feet. “This is not a conversation I’m going to have with you.”
“Don’t be getting all mad and stomping off, Josh.”
“I’m not stomping off,” he said. His voice was quiet and tense even to his own ears. Anger throbbed at his temples as his jaw clenched.
“Okay. Running away.”
“I’m not running away, either. I’ve told you before this is not up for discussion. Just because you’ve miraculously managed to turn yourself into Little Miss Suzy Homemaker and candidate for Mother of the Goddamn Year doesn’t mean you can start trying to remake me.”
The narrowing of her eyes let him know he’d hit his mark with the insults thrown at her. The hands on her hips and the glare in those dark blue eyes let him know he didn’t scare her.
“Knock it off, Josh. You came here asking me for advice. I’m giving it to you. Sorry if you don’t like it, but there it is. You’re going to have to face your past to know that you aren’t your father. You never will be your father...”
He cut coldly across her words. “I already proved I am my father.”
She took a step toward him and jabbed a finger in his chest. Probably the only person on the planet he’d let get away with that. “No. You. Are. Not.”
He should leave. Get on his bike and roar back to Columbia at death-defying speeds. As if he could outrun that particular demon. He could hear Sadie calling his name as he stomped through the house and flung open the front door.
And there was Jules, walking up the sidewalk with a plastic bag dangling from each hand. “Hey, Uncle Josh. We got your slimeball collards!”
“Get back in here, dork,” Sadie said from the kitchen door.
Caught. He narrowed his eyes at Sadie. This isn’t over. Then he smiled at Jules. “They aren’t slimy, squirt.”
“I’m not a squirt. I’m the tallest girl in my class, for your information.”
He reached down and took the bags of food from her. “Well, I stand corrected, tall squirt.”
He put the bags on the counter and began opening them. Wyatt and Sadie pulled out plates and Jules got the silverware. It slowly dawned on him what a homey family scene it was. Yet it wasn’t a scene. This was real. Sadie had fallen in love and was going to get married. And adopt Jules. And maybe have her own babies. Sadie caught his gaze and smiled. She knew exactly what he was thinking.
They moved to the table and began passing around the barbeque and side dishes, Jules chattering away the whole time about Shiloh’s mother, Charlie, asking if Josh was single. Sadie laughed until Josh threw a piece of bread at her.
“Food fight!” Jules yelled as she threw her bread at Josh.
“No!” Sadie and Wyatt said in unison.
“Josh started it.”
“Yes, he did. He isn’t setting a good example,” Sadie said firmly.
Josh and Jules looked at each other and Josh started laughing. He couldn’t help it. Sadie? Primly handing out verbal discipline? The old Sadie would have said something like “cut that shit out.”
“Don’t laugh,” Sadie said, smacking Josh on the arm.
“No hitting!” Jules said. She narrowed her eyes and set one hand on a hip, wagging a finger from the opposite hand at the two of them.
“Yeah, Sadie, you aren’t setting a very good example,” Josh said. He gave Jules a quick wink and a thumbs-up.
“I’m going to knock all y’all’s heads together,” Wyatt said.
Josh settled back to eating with a grin. It felt good. Teasing. Bickering. Laughing. He put down the fork and looked around the table. He was part of a family, wasn’t he? A real family. The rush of the feeling of belonging only made his loneliness more acute. Forever to be part of a family. Never to have one of his own.
CHAPTER NINE
THE DOORBELL RANG just as Mickie was getting Ian cleaned up after his breakfast. Even though she knew it was Tiana, she peered through the peephole first. Old habits. Except it wasn’t just Tiana. Two other women stood on the small porch and sidewalk. Okay...
“Um, hi,” she said as she opened the door, raising her eyebrows at Tiana. The other women squealed at the sight of Ian.
“You were right, Tee!”
“He’s so cute!”
“Can I hold him?”
Instinctively, she turned to the side, putting herself between the women and Ian, who was riding her hip. “What’s going on, Tiana?”
Tiana waved a hand in the air. “Y’all just hush now. You’re scaring the baby. Can we come inside because it’s hotter than fifty hells out here.” She brushed past Mickie and led the women inside.
Mickie watched, unsure exactly what to do. She shut the door behind her. “What’s going on?” she asked again.
Tiana fanned herself while flapping the neckline of her shirt. “I don’t remember it being this hot when I was a kid.” She turned her attention to Mickie. “Now, don’t get your panties in a wad, but we have a surprise for you.”
“A surprise?”
Ian lifted his arms toward Tiana and Mickie let her scoop him up. “Yes. A surprise,” Tiana said in a singsong as she lifted Ian in the air. “A big fat surprise for your stubborn-head mommy, my man.”
“Prize!”
She settled Ian on her hip and turned to Mickie. “It’s about the state of your household, Miz Mickie. I couldn’t help but notice that you have no furniture.”
Mickie felt her cheeks go hot. Embarrassment and a not so small slice of shame burned through her. “It’s fine. Temporary. I have furniture. Just not here.”
“See?” Tiana said to the others. “Told you she’d do that. Girl. Stop all that blushing. And stop telling those lies.” She motioned to the women around her. “These are two of my fellow senior nursing students. Elaine is the old hag over there. The redhead is Sally. Without these women, I would have run back home with my tail between my legs after my first week.”
Mickie took a moment to look into the faces of the other women. She saw shining in their eyes the same compassion she’d seen in the nurses who’d helped her after Ian was born. The same need to help that burned in her. If only she was ever in a position to give that help. “Hi,” she said, feeling slow and stupid.
“It was more than just us,” Sally said. “We’re the moving crew.”
“Moving crew?”
Tiana slung an arm around Mickie’s shoulders. “I hope you like the eclectic look, my friend.”
“I don’t know what that means. Or what you mean,” Mickie said, but she was beginning to get an idea. Tiana had done something.
“Well,” Tiana said, “I was in a meeting with my fellow sen
ior mentoring students and one of them had an incoming freshman who needed help with getting uniforms, so everyone put out the word and within a couple of hours, we had four or five uniforms for her. So I asked if anyone had any spare furniture taking up space.”
“We used my daddy’s truck there was so much,” Sally said with a grin.
“I—I don’t know what to say,” Mickie stuttered.
“You say thank you,” Tiana said, handing Ian back to her.
“Thank you.”
For the next hour, Mickie watched in stunned disbelief as the women carried in an assortment of furniture. A small bistro table with two chairs for the kitchen. Two armchairs. A TV stand. A bed frame. A bookcase. Lamps. Side tables.
“I can help with this,” she said as they began to carry in small boxes.
“We got it,” Elaine said.
But she couldn’t just stand there and watch. With Ian on her hip, she went out and grabbed a shopping bag. She could do something. It wasn’t just furniture. Several of the school’s distinctive garnet-colored nursing uniforms. A stethoscope. Books.
After everything was inside and Tee was directing the others in where to put things, Mickie leaned against the door. A small hand, patting gently at her face. “Momma ’kay?”
She wiped at the tears on her cheeks and hugged Ian tight. “It’s okay, baby. Momma’s just happy. Happy tears.”
She looked up at the women. “Grateful tears.”
When a box of children’s books appeared, Mickie let Ian loose on them and retreated to the kitchen. The least she could do was fix some drinks and snacks. She set out glasses of iced tea and began brewing another pitcher. The new bistro table was immediately put to good use as she put out bowls of chips and pretzels, some carrot sticks, cherry tomatoes and a bowl of ranch dip. Not too bad for a no-notice party.
“Food!” Tiana cried out when she came in the kitchen.
Before too long, the party had moved to the living room floor, where they sat in a circle.
“I can’t thank you enough for this,” Mickie said, looking each of them in the eye. “This is the second time nurses have gone out of their way to help me. I promise I won’t forget. I will do the same for anyone else I can whenever I can.”
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