Mickie couldn’t help but smile at the imagery. “How’d you get to be so smart?”
“My momma didn’t raise a fool. You have a decision to make, Mickie. Face it or have it poison every relationship you try to have.”
“Cheerful thought.”
“It’s not a thought. It’s a fact. Now, you okay? Do you need me to come over?”
“No. I’ve been whiny enough. I’m taking steps.”
“But make sure those steps are leading somewhere. Not merely running away.”
Mickie ended the call with a sigh. Tucking her phone back in the backpack, she looked over the low wall for the cat. It was long gone. Maybe she should get a cat instead of a dog. Less work. Maybe you’re trying to distract yourself. Maybe you should go home and stop hiding here.
* * *
SHE WASN’T HOME ten minutes before there was a knock on her front door. A confident knock, not the tap Josh had given the night before. She stood on tiptoe to look through the peephole. DeShawn. She didn’t want to talk to him, either, but he had her money.
“Hey,” he said when she opened the door. He held up an envelope. “Josh asked me to give this to you.”
“Thanks,” she said, reaching for it.
DeShawn lifted it high above his head. “Not until you tell me what’s going on. I just got back from Charleston. Something happened while I was gone. Don’t lie to me.”
“Nothing’s going on. I got a job at Ian’s day care. It’s temporary until school starts, but it pays more. The end.”
“Why is Josh hiding in his office like a kicked puppy? Why wouldn’t he look me in the eye when he asked to me to give you this? Why, in fact, is he not giving this to you himself?”
Mickie crossed her arms against her chest and glared up at DeShawn. “And why, since you seem to be all about the whys this afternoon, is any of this your business?” She held her hand out, palm up, making give-it-to-me motions with her fingertips.
Shaking his head, DeShawn lowered the envelope. “Josh is my friend. Something happened. If I was a betting man, I’d say he has feelings for you. Real feelings. He has some sort of martyr thing going on where he’s decided he’ll never fall in love or have a family because of some messed-up shit from when he was a kid. I’ve seen him blow off women before.”
Mickie stared up at him, her mouth hanging open. DeShawn gently placed the envelope on her palm. “You know about that?”
“I know about his parents. I know about that woman he hooked up with. What Josh doesn’t see is that he isn’t that eighteen-year-old kid anymore. He’s holding on to this distorted vision of himself because he doesn’t want to let anyone get too close. I think you blindsided him and he’s pushing you away as hard and fast as he can.”
She dropped her gaze to the envelope balanced on her palm. She took a corner and held it between her hands. Her name was written across the front in Josh’s scrawled handwriting. “He’s pushing and I’m running,” she said under her breath.
“What’s that?”
“Nothing. Thanks, DeShawn. You were a good friend while I was part of the Crew. Good luck with the army, okay?”
He caught the door as she tried to close it. “No. It’s not okay. Josh is my best friend. He’s over there hurting.”
“That’s not my doing. I went to him. I made a fool out of myself, DeShawn. I told him I thought we had something here. That maybe now wasn’t the best time for either of us, but I begged him to give it a try. And he pushed me away. Told me no. To my face. No.”
Pressing her lips together, Mickie drew in a long slow breath and stared at her toes. Her heart thudded in her chest. When she felt she had her emotions under some sort of control, she looked back up at DeShawn. “I’m sorry he’s hurting, but that is his doing, not mine.”
Letting go of the door, DeShawn caught her hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I’m sorry. It’s just...”
Mickie forced a smile. “Yeah, I know. I’ve seen it. You Crew people are pretty tight. I’m glad I got to be a part of the family. If only for a little while.”
He let go of her hand and pointed a finger at her. “You’ll always be part of the Crew to me. Don’t you forget it.”
* * *
JOSH HAD HAD about enough of this day.
“This better be business,” he said as he picked up Sadie’s call.
There was a millisecond of silence. “I’m your damn boss. There. That was business. Now what is wrong with you?”
“There are several things wrong with me right now. Take your pick.”
Silence hummed in the air. Then some rustling and a door shutting. “What’s going on?”
“I can’t deal with you right now, Sadie. Seriously. I can’t, okay?”
Josh could picture Sadie’s face as she wrestled between big-sister bossiness and fellow foster-survivor understanding. “You can’t deal with me?”
“No. What do you want, Sadie?”
“Well, I was going to ask you about Kim, but obviously, you aren’t in a mood for that.”
“This is exactly what I’m talking about. It’s the middle of the day. I’m working. You call me and start digging around in my personal business. Stuff you know hurts like hell and then you get pissed when I don’t want to talk about it.”
More silence. He let it play out. They’d played this game before. She’d cave. She always caved when she was wrong.
“I’m sorry. You’re right. I’ll stop putting my nose in your business during work hours. But I reserve all rights to hound you after hours and on weekends.”
“Thank you.”
“So what else is going on? Because you’ve dealt with me nagging you about Kim for a long time. Something else is bothering you. Mickie?”
“She’s gone.”
“Gone? Explain.”
“I told her the truth.”
“You what?”
“I let it go too far. I went too far.”
“Meaning what? You love her? She’s in love with you? What is it? Are you going to make me drag this out of you one sentence at a time?” She dropped her voice, reminding him of the nights they’d spent telling their secrets. “Talk to me.”
He rubbed a hand across his eyes. “Yeah. Even the kid was growing on me. Man. It came out of nowhere. She’s so amazing. Not to mention what she’s been through. But she’s moving forward. Determined. Strong.”
“Reminds me a lot of you,” Sadie said quietly.
“I’m nothing like her. Sadie. Her ex beat her bad enough to put her in the hospital. Almost killed her and the baby. She’s been living on the run ever since. I don’t even think Mickie is her real name. She deserves way better than me. And I certainly don’t deserve her.”
“What did you tell her?”
“Like I said, the truth. I told her that I’d almost hit the woman I said I loved, and I will never put another woman in that position. That whatever there was between us didn’t matter. I told her to go.”
“But you didn’t hit her. You hit the wall. If you’re going to be down on yourself, at least be honest. There, in the heat of the moment, in your rage, you still were able to stop from hitting Ruby and turned your anger to the wall.” Sadie’s voice was soft but there was a thread of steel winding through her words. “You don’t even see it, do you? That boy who was with Ruby doesn’t even exist anymore. That boy and his potential for violence actually died that night. What you did in that moment was reject the path of anger and violence. You’ve dedicated your entire life since that night to healing yourself.”
“No,” he said, his voice ragged. “I liked it. When I saw the fear in her eyes, I liked it.”
“That was the boy who’d been pushed from foster home to foster home, powerless all his life. Yes, he probably did like feeling some power. But in y
our heart, the core of you who are and always have been, Josh, you rejected that. You did, or you wouldn’t have stopped. You would have given in.”
Closing his eyes, Josh shook his head. She doesn’t get it. He let out a breath. “Sadie, I can’t explain this to you...”
“Was Mickie afraid?”
The question hit him like a slap in the face. “What?”
“When you told her that you were some sort of woman-beating monster. Was she scared?”
His head was pounding and he wanted to end the call. Stop thinking about this. “Yes.”
“How did you feel about it?”
“Sick to my stomach. Ashamed. Every bad thing you can think of, Sades, that’s how I felt, okay? Can we stop pouring acid in this now?”
“Yes. We can. But I want you to consider your reactions to each incident very carefully. You already know the truth. You aren’t a monster. You’re afraid to love. Exactly like I was.”
Ending the call, he tossed the phone down so hard it skittered across the desk and fell to the floor. He slumped back in the chair and stared at the ceiling. Damn it. Why’s she always right? He’d clung to the myth of himself as a monster for so long now. It was comfortable. It was convenient. He, like Sadie, had had to put up walls around his heart for self-preservation. It had only taken one or two moves between foster homes to teach him that lesson. You don’t let yourself get attached. You don’t let yourself get comfortable. Or feel at home. Because it hurt when the people you thought cared for you packed up your clothes in a paper bag and put you in the social worker’s car for the drive to the next family.
And he’d been very good at clinging to the myth. Very good at using it as a shield against the world. His life had been a series of shallow sexual relationships and long periods of celibacy. Seeing Sadie happy and settling down with a ready-made family had brought clarity to him. He was lonely. Tired of keeping up the pretense that he didn’t want the same things everyone else did. A woman to love. A family. A partner in this crazy world.
And Mickie was everything he’d ever wanted. Strong. Smart. Funny. Independent as hell.
And he’d pushed her away. Scared her by using her past against her. You’re such a prick. You don’t deserve her. He rubbed at the ache in his chest and cleared his throat. Nothing you can do about it now. Let her go. It’s for the best. She’ll never trust you now anyway.
He powered up the laptop and opened a clean document. His fingers found the keys. Dear Kim. He sat staring at the blinking cursor for a long time. Just write it. Slowly, he began to hunt and peck out letters.
When he was done, he read back over the words and nodded before printing it out. He tucked the letter into an envelope and put it in the desk drawer. He’d leave it there a few days. Read it again later. Decide if he was ready to send it. It could be her decision. They could take it slow. He didn’t have to dump everything on her all at once. The smile that began faded when he heard Mickie’s front door bang shut. He moved to the window to watch her pushing an empty stroller down the sidewalk. Going to pick up Ian from day care.
Peacefulness faded into a sad ache as he watched her leave. Soon, he would hear the familiar sounds from next door. Mickie’s voice, soft and sweet. Ian talking at full volume. Cooking sounds. Bath time and story time.
He pressed his forehead against the windowpane. He wanted to have that. The boring routine of family life. Work. Home. Love. Mickie had knocked all his defenses aside without even knowing and walked right into his heart. And now that Sadie had exposed his excuses as the flimsy shams that they were, he had nowhere to hide. He’d thrown it all away for a lie he’d been telling himself for years.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
MICKIE ALMOST IGNORED the phone vibrating on the counter. Ian was banging two toys together and she’d managed to snatch the frozen lasagna from the oven about two seconds before the smoke detector would have gone off. She glanced at the number and everything inside her went cold. It was her mother’s home number. It must be something horrible if she was calling from home.
“What’s wrong?” she blurted out as she answered.
“Hopefully nothing. We had a break-in today.”
Leaning against the counter, Mickie tried to calm her runaway heart. She’d thought someone had died. “At the house?”
“Yes. My laptop and some jewelry were the only things taken but the whole house had been searched through.”
Fear prickled along the edges of her arms and stirred at the base of her spine. “What did the police say?”
“Not much. They dusted everything for prints. They know about everything.”
“Okay. I had a PI look into things. The situation has changed.”
She smiled at Ian as he held up a block for her to see. Sliding down, she sat on the floor. At this moment, she’d give the last twenty years of her life to put Ian on the phone and let him talk to his grandmother. But safety came before hearts’ wishes.
“So soon?”
“Unfortunately. But it’s being monitored very carefully.”
“Momma! Look, bwok! One bwok! Two bwok!”
“Is that...?”
“My babysitting gig? Yeah.”
“Talking.”
A silence fell. A silence Mickie wanted desperately to fill with every detail of Ian’s life and his growth and all the amazing things he was doing and learning. Her throat throbbed with unshed tears. The pain was laced with a strong dose of anger. Why were they the ones who had to suffer? Part of her wanted to say to hell with it, throw off all pretense and live her life in the open. But one look at Ian’s innocent brown eyes squelched the impulse. She had to keep him safe.
“Thanks for the update. I’m sure the police will get to the bottom of it. I need to get back to work.”
“I understand. Love you.”
“Love you.”
She ended the call and lightly banged her head off the cabinet. Was this ever going to end? A laptop and some jewelry? Her parents weren’t well off by any stretch of the imagination, but if someone was going to break in, why leave the TV? The desktop computer her father used? The hunting rifles he kept in a locked case in the den? She turned the phone over and over in her hands. Maybe she should call Wyatt and tell him about this. Maybe he could call the parole guy and have him check into it.
“Hungee, Mommy. Me hungee.”
She hauled herself to her feet with a sigh. She’d been hungry, too. Before the phone call. “Okay, little man. Dinner is ready.”
For Ian’s sake, she needed to pretend that everything was fine. Hiding her fears and doubts from him, putting on a smiling face, came so easily to her now that she half believed it was true. What-ifs were forgotten while she got him through dinner, through play time, through bath time and story time. It was when she tucked him into bed with a million kisses, when she turned off the lights and pulled the door to his room almost closed, that the fear came back.
Not even her stack of study cards could distract her from her disquiet. Finally, she picked up the phone. Put it back down. He’d done her a huge favor for free. The parole officer would notify him if anything changed. Wyatt would call her. If there was anything to tell, he would call her.
She opened the file for the next class. Nutrition. Flipping through the syllabus and Tee’s notes, she didn’t feel the sinking horror she’d felt when looking through the pharmacology notes. Progress. Pulling out a blank index card, she uncapped her favorite Sharpie pen. What if the parole guy didn’t know about the break-in at her parents’ house? That’s not something the police would do, is it? They wouldn’t tell the parole guy, would they?
Wyatt answered on the second ring. “Mickie. Everything okay?”
“Yeah. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to call so late.”
“You didn’t. What’s going on?”
“I got a call from my mom. There was a break-in at their house this morning. Thief stole her laptop and some jewelry. She told the cops...everything, and they are supposed to look into it. I didn’t know if that was something the parole guy would hear about.”
“Only a laptop and jewelry? Was there anything else of value left untouched?”
“My dad has five or six hunting rifles in a locked case. It has a glass front and they are completely visible. The house had also been gone through.”
“Mmmm...” Wyatt said.
“Is this bad?”
“Sorry, I was jotting down some notes. Let me call the PO and make sure he knows about this.”
“So, is this bad?”
“I don’t know what this is, Mickie. Try not to worry. As of today, he’s still in Wisconsin. That is a long way away. Okay?”
“Okay,” she repeated back through numb lips.
“Keep your doors and windows locked. Have your phone charged and on you at all times. Keep your wits about you. It’s probably nothing.”
“But it could be something?”
“It could. Is there anything on the laptop that could lead to you?”
“Not that I know of. We use a blind mail service for snail mail and an app for email that is supposed to hide the IP address. Pay phones for phone calls.”
“But she called you from her cell or landline?”
“Landline.”
“Okay.”
“Is that bad?”
“Mickie. Take a deep breath. I’ll look into all of this. Try not to worry until we know if we have anything to worry about.”
“Okay. I’ll try.”
“I’ll call you as soon as I know anything, okay? Day or night. But keep your phone close, okay?”
“Okay. Thank you again. You’re being so generous.”
* * *
THE NEXT MORNING, Mickie still hadn’t heard anything back from Wyatt. “No news is good news, right?”
“Right!”
Boss on Notice Page 21