Table of Contents
Title Page
WE SHOULDN’T AND YET…
Other books by Stephanie Witter
To all readers living an unconventional love story.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Epilogue
Author’s babbling
About the author
WE SHOULDN’T AND YET…
Copyright © 2016
Stephanie Witter
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
All Rights Reserved.
No part of this publication can be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical without express permission from the author, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages for review purposes.
Cover Design by Stephanie Witter
Editing by Ellie Love N. Books
Formatting by Stephanie Witter
Other books by Stephanie Witter
Patch Up (Patch Up #1)
Fix Up (Patch Up #2)
2B Or Not 2B?
Six Years
Dex (Kinky Shine #1)
Maxen (Kinky Shine #2)
To all readers living an unconventional love story.
No, let’s make it to all readers who are in love and those still looking for love.
AIDEEN
I close the lid of my trunk and take a deep breath. Saying goodbye is the thing I enjoy the least, but I can’t deny the relief I feel. Some would be nervous or hate turning their back on what they’ve always known as their home, but for me it’s liberating.
I turn around and lean against the trunk of my old car that still runs even after four years of commuting to the small college where I graduated. The metal sears the small of my back exposed by my cropped white top falling off my left shoulder. With the blazing July sun, my black car is as hot as ever, but I don’t mind the pain. Physical pain is easy to ignore, easy to forget and push through. I’ve learnt this the hard way, but I guess it’s the way life teaches you things. Unless it’s hard you never understand and adapt and you repeat the same mistakes.
I shade my eyes with my right hand and look at the house where I grew up. It seems like an eternity since laughter was heard in this house and yet it’s only been a year. Three hundred eighty-one days to be exact. I clear my throat and grind my teeth when I feel the lump in there. I blink a couple of times, fighting off the emotions and force myself to think of what is waiting for me in six and a half hours. A new life. My adult life.
The front door painted in a deep, dark green opens slowly and my mother steps out. Even from here I can see her red nose and how swollen her eyes are from crying. It can’t be more obvious that she’s not happy with my decision to leave. I don’t blame her, but at some point it’s not possible to be other people’s anchor. I need to think about myself a little now before I crack too.
She brushes away some errant strands of her light brown hair and walks toward me, her shoulders slouched and her steps slow as if she’s trying to stretch things out.
“Mom,’’ I breathe out and wrap her in my arms as soon as she’s in front of me.
She’s lost some weight and she feels fragile in my arms, nothing like how my mother used to be. She trembles, probably trying to hold in her tears. She wraps me tightly in her arms and I close my eyes, soaking in the feeling of her embrace. I know how this time of the year is hard for her, how this past year has been hard on her and somehow I feel guilty for leaving. Yet, I’m not feeling guilty enough to stay and be miserable just for her. The past year has been hell for me too. Hell with a capital H if I’m being honest. As strong as I am, I know that I need to move away if I ever want to move on and actually stay strong. Otherwise I’m going to drown and I don’t think anyone will be there to catch me. Not when other people are in a bad place too.
She pulls away and quickly dabs under her eyes, but I don’t miss the ever-present dampness. “Are you sure this is what you want?’’
I smile softly and nod. “I’m sure. I need this and this job is exactly what I was looking for.’’
She takes a deep breath, probably fortifying herself to say the dreaded goodbye. It’s not final and we both know I will be back in no time to spend a weekend with her and my father, but still. Saying goodbye is difficult, even when it’s not permanent.
“Call me as soon as you’re there. And if you’re too tired to drive all the way today, just book a room in a B&B. You have some emergency money in your account. Your father transferred it yesterday.’’
I roll my eyes and laugh softly, so softly that it barely makes a sound. It still seems too soon to laugh, too strange somehow. In a way I have a feeling that I shouldn’t smile or laugh anymore, but that’s a ridiculous thing. Life goes on and I need to remember this.
“Now I get why he left earlier. He knew I’d lecture him.’’ I shake my head and squeeze my mother’s hand and straighten up. “I should go if I don’t want to get there too late. They’re expecting me around ten tonight.’’
“Are you sure they don’t mind if you stay there for a few days?’’
“I told you it’s okay. It’s just for a week tops until I find an apartment anyway. Everything is sorted out, don’t worry.’’
She snorts and dabs under her eyes again. “I’m your mother, I will always worry.’’
“Mom…’’
“I know, I know, it’s time to say goodbye.’’ She takes another deep breath and envelops me in her too thin arms again, clutching me tightly. She kisses my cheek softly and releases me, crossing her arms over her chest. I muster up a weak smile and climb into my car, waving one last time before I turn on my car. The engine rumbles reassuringly and I take off. I don’t look in the mirror. I don’t want to see my mother crumbling while she watches my car driving away.
Instead, I turn on the radio and open the window to feel the wind on my bare arm. As soon as I pass the small town limits, a weight is lifted from my chest and while happiness is still very far and out of reach still, the pain is lessening some.
I feel it in my bones, in my heart, and in my head. I’ve made the right call.
***
JENSEN
I watch the amber liquid glinting darkly in my glass. It’s my second whiskey and I’m dying to drink it in one big gulp and pour myself another one. It’s not like this whiskey is fucking nectar, it’s cheap and only serves the purpose of getting a good buzz quickly or getting me shit faced. Since I’m not alone at home anymore, I can’t really get so drunk that I’d need to crash on the couch and snore until morning. No, I’m trying to be a fucking adult and while I’m far from being a role model, I have a duty to behave somewhat as a real adult with his shit together. I can almost laugh at that.
My grip tightens on my glass as I look up and focus on the twenty-two year old sitting on the couch. I still can’t believe he’s here. If I’m being honest I still can’t wrap my head around his mere existence and it’s been a year, give or take. With his light brown hair falling over his forehead and curling slightly on his ears he looks nothing like me. But if I squint I can see a bit of mysel
f in the shape of his eyes, but he has dark blue ones like his mother and a dimple on his chin just like her too. He looks softer than me with his full lips ready to smile in his easy going way. He’s shorter than me by a couple of inches and less built, but he’s still impressive. In a way, I feel proud and it’s fun to see how women seem to be easily drawn to him when we go out for a drink.
And this twenty-two year old guy is my son.
My son.
This word both gives me chills and elates me. Since he’s called me I’ve been feeling all kinds of fucked up, which is saying something when I’ve been pretty fucked up for the last few years. At least, he gives me a reason not to kill myself with an unhealthy consumption of alcohol to drown things out. And now that he’s here to stay for a little while, I have to be responsible. I’m thirty-eight fucking years old and I had a son I’ve never known about. I got a girl pregnant when I was sixteen and I never knew it. That in itself is pretty fucked up.
I watch Hal’s leg moving restlessly as he’s peeling off the label of the beer he’s been nursing for the last hour. His eyes keep darting to the clock on the DVD player and I snort, unable to keep a straight face any longer. The boy has it bad.
“Tell me about this Aideen girl. Is she your girl or what?’’ I ask with a gruff voice. I gulp half of the remaining whiskey and almost growl blissfully when I feel the heat of the alcohol going down my throat.
Hal’s eyes lock with mine and a nervous laugh leaves his mouth. He shakes his head with a little too much vigor. “Of course not! I told you, she’s just a good friend.’’
I feel myself smirk before I can help it. I run a hand along my unshaven jaw. “A good friend, you say?’’
“I didn’t mean it like that.’’ Hal clears his throat and he fucking blushes. My son is blushing at the innuendo. Either he’s more innocent than I thought and that’s weird for a guy in his twenties or he’s got it bad for that Aideen girl.
I tilt my head to one side and chuckle. “But you want her, really want her.’’
He groans and hides his face behind his hands and I chuckle louder. The kid is too easy to tease.
“Jensen, don’t mention it, okay?’’ He brings his beer to his mouth and takes a few gulps. “She has no idea and she’s not…’’ He trails off and shakes his head, his eyes turning more serious as he pins me there in the recliner. “She’s gone through a lot and I know she’d turn me down right now.’’
I hold up my hands and silently agree. I’m many things, but I’m not one to make fun of my son in front of his girl. I’m not that kind of asshole. I finish my whiskey and eye the bottle left on the kitchen counter a few feet from us. “What’s her story then?’’
Hal cringes and runs a hand over his clean-shaven jaw. I do the same thing and while my face is more rugged, more rough, it’s uncanny to see the same move on someone else. It’s that kind of little thing that makes me realize that he’s my son, as fucking silly and weird as it sounds.
“It’s her story to tell and to be honest I don’t know much. She never wants to talk about it and I hate to see her sad so…you know, I distract her.’’
I nod, knowing all too well what it’s like to be consumed by pain and sadness. You never want to visit that place and yet you’re always drawn to it. I use many things to distract myself and while not much of what I do is healthy, I can only be proud that my son is sticking by her to change her mind in the right kind of way. He is a good guy and I have nothing to do with it. That’s probably why he’s such a good guy. His mother did a stellar job with him and even though she’s not here anymore to see him, I’ll make damn sure that he stays on the path she’s put him on.
“How did you meet her? Were you in the same class or something?’’
“Not at all. We were at the same party one night and I wasn’t in the mood you know. She was alone and watching the others with an odd look on her face and we just talked. I immediately picked up on that she wasn’t in the mood to hook up so I dropped it and we became friends.’’ He shrugs and glances at the clock again.
I bite back my smirk and start to tease him again when a flash of headlights brightens the living room before it goes back to the soft light provided by the couple of lamps on either side of the couch. Hal jumps to his feet and freezes, probably wondering if he should walk out to welcome her or wait for her to knock. I shake my head behind his back. He’s got it so bad. I hope this girl isn’t going to stomp on his heart.
I sigh and stand up, stretching softly and feeling my back crack. I groan and softly massage my left shoulder, still painful after all these months. I glance around my small house that has been my bachelor pad for a long time.
“Thank you again for letting her crash here.’’
I glance back to my son and pat his back. “Don’t mention it. If she means something to you, she’s welcome here.’’
He shoots me a bright smile just when a knock at the door makes him tense. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be so impatient to see a woman. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt that way, really. It’s awful to say, but Hal’s mother and I, we never even dated. We were friends in high school and she wanted me to pop her cherry. Back in the days I thought I was the shit at sixteen, openly not a virgin anymore and all that shit. I never even realized that the condom broke and that she was in fact crushing on me. She just disappeared a month or so later without a word.
I remember asking around and heard that her father got a promotion in another city and I left it at that. Little did I know that in fact she was pregnant and told her parents who decided to up and leave with the news. Hal’s mother never told them who was Hal’s father and Hal only heard about me ten months ago when she passed away and wanted him to know the truth.
Hal finally moves again and it brings me back to the present. I’d lie if I said that I’m not curious to see the girl who has my son in such a twist. I don’t know what type of girls he likes for that matter.
In a few strides he’s at the door and yanks it open. Before I can see her, he has her wrapped in his arms in a bear hug. Only her brown hair mixed with sun-kissed strands is visible.
“It’s good to see you,’’ Hal mumbles, his voice suddenly rougher.
I keep my eyes on their embrace and a foreign pang hits me. I can’t remember the last time I had such an embrace. My mother left my father when I was just a boy and he died a few years ago from a heart attack. And my relationships with women are never about comfort; it’s about lust and scratching an itch. That and it’s also because I often need an escape and fucking is, as far as I know, healthier than drinking until I can’t see straight.
“It’s good to see you too, Hal.’’
Her voice is soft, calm. Just like a balm. I frown at my own thoughts and glance at the whiskey bottle still on the kitchen counter. No, the bottle isn’t empty so alcohol can’t explain my sappy train of thought. I glance back at Hal and the girl named Aideen just as they break apart from their hug. I tilt my head to one side when my son steps back to let her in. As soon as the soft lights brightening the living room hit her, I lock eyes with her. She freezes just shy of the door, one hand clutching her huge white purse and the other one in her low rise washed out jean pocket. Her soft brown eyes, big and bright are encased with long and thick eyelashes. Her dark eyebrows complete her gaze, giving it a strength and a striking maturity. Slowly, I start taking in the rest of her, like her mouth with her bottom lip slightly fuller than the top one, her button nose with a few freckles dashing her pale skin and her high cheekbones giving her face a sophistication she doesn’t try to play out with heavy makeup. My eyes slowly dart lower, noticing her average height, her feminine soft curves and her perfectly toned midriff uncovered by her short top, perfectly smooth and fucking appetizing. I clear my throat, grit my teeth and put my hands in my jean’s pockets. Suddenly, all I want is to go back to my bottle and ignore that flash, that sudden dark attraction that makes my heart beat a notch faster and my damn cock twitch.
She blinks a couple of times and musters a small smile for my benefit, her eyes quickly taking me in. “You must be Jensen, the prodigal father.’’ She chuckles softly, the sound both cute and enticing. “Thank you so much for letting me stay here for a few days.’’
I shrug nonchalantly, faking it. I feel… No, I don’t know how I feel if I’m being honest. It’s very disturbing how this girl, this very young woman has me almost tongue tied. “Hal’s friends are welcome here and I’m glad to meet the girl my son’s been talking about.’’
Hal’s nervous chuckle tears my attention away from Aideen and the tension in my shoulders disappears. “You’re my best friend so of course I talk about you!’’ He slips a hard glare my way and I discreetly shake my head.
Too bad we don’t know each other better as a son and a father should or else he’d understand what I’m trying to tell him with my eyes alone. Chill or you’re going to blow this.
Aideen’s eyes go back and forth between Hal and me and I have to fight the urge to fidget like a fucking teenager. What is it about her? Whenever her eyes land on me, I feel a charge going through my body like electricity. It’s both thrilling in a way it shouldn’t, and unnerving that a young woman I don’t know and who is close to my son has such an effect on me.
I shake myself off and gesture to the wooden staircase leading to the three bedrooms upstairs. “Hal will show you to your room. You’ll be sharing a bathroom, though.’’
“That’s fine. Thank you again.’’
I nod and fish out my bike keys from my pocket. I focus on the little piece of metal in my large palm and run a hand along my unshaven jaw. I can’t stay here. I feel like I’m suffocating. Maybe it’s the sexual tension coming off Hal, maybe it’s this strange girl in my house, I don’t know. I just need a fucking breather.
“Listen, I’m going out, but I’m sure you both don’t need me around to settle down. I’ll be back late.’’
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