We Shouldn't and Yet...

by Stephanie Witter

  “What good would it do, Jensen?’’ I ball up the paper and throw it on the coffee table. “Why are you dragging this out?’’

  “Because I saw your face at the hospital.’’ He grabs my hand and links his thick fingers through mine, enveloping my small hand. God, it feels so good to just touch him. “You looked…I fucking don’t know, but there was something in your eyes.’’

  I try to pull away, but he doesn’t let me. “Jensen, let me go.’’

  “Stop hiding, Aideen. Fucking stop for once.’’

  “I was scared for you, it’s how humans are. What do you want me to say?’’

  “That you fucking care about me. That I mean more than a good fuck to you. Say something, anything!’’ he growls out, his voice getting louder as his frustration stokes mine. We’re going nowhere, unless it’s somewhere that is supposed to be forbidden. Then, we’re heading straight to that messy place without damage control. It scares me.

  “Don’t do this. We agreed to stop seeing each other.’’

  “I can’t forget you, beautiful.’’ He releases my hand and covers his face with his. His voice comes out muffled behind his palms. “You’re always there, and nothing and no one can change that. It’s fucked up, wrong and bad, but it feels so fucking good to be with you. It’s fucking torture to think of you without having you. If I’m the only one feeling like this, tell me and I’ll go. One way or the other, something needs to give before I go over the damn edge.’’

  My hand shakes as I reach for his shoulder, but I need to touch him. He can’t say such things. He can’t.

  ***

  JENSEN

  I’m bared to her. I’m fucking exposed and she’s so damn quiet. I could lower my hands and look at her, but I’m too much of a coward to do so. I’ve let out too much, said too little or too much I don’t really know. Either way, she can’t say she doesn’t know she means a lot to me, much more than she should and more than I’d ever expected her to. It’s more than an obsession.

  Then I feel the heat of her palm on my shoulder, the small squeeze of her fingers around it. I take a good, long breath and lower my hands, manning up at last. I look over at her and see her face just above my shoulder, her eyes darker than usual, sadder and conflicted. It’s like a low blow right to the heart where I’m the most sensitive, where I’ve never let anyone but her that close to it.

  “You don’t feel the same,’’ I say. My shoulders sag and her hand slips away. I don’t try to recreate the contact, to seek her warmth.

  “Listen—‘’

  “I really don’t want to listen to the usual lines like ‘it’s not you it’s me’ kind of bullshit.’’ I stand up and cover my cringe by turning away. I ball my fists at my sides and start walking back to the door. I can’t stay here, at her place, the same place where I have most of the memories of being with her. I am a sick bastard, but not sick enough to torture myself again and again. It fucking hurts enough. Too much, really. It’s worse than cracked ribs, a concussion, and asphalt burns all put together.

  “We can’t have anything, Jensen.’’

  I turn back around and point at her face. I’m much bigger than her, I’m furious and yet she doesn’t bat an eye. Her fierceness, the fact that she knows me from the inside is a turn on. “We already have something!’’ She looks away from me. “We fucking have something, and you’re fooling yourself if you think that it’s over or that it’s nothing more than a mess we have to hide. Every time you look at me I feel it right here.’’ I bring a hand to my aching heart. “I feel it here, Aideen. It’s something.’’

  “Hal is still your son and he’s still my best friend. I don’t see why you’re—‘’

  “Leave him out of this right now.’’ I step closer to her, suddenly a renewed hope filling my chest. “It’s about you and me. Not the rest of the fucking world. Tell me what you feel, beautiful. Just this once.’’

  She looks back into my eyes and it’s like a kick in the stomach leaving me breathless. “I’m in love with you.’’

  “You…’’ I clear my throat and reach out to cup her face in my hands. I don’t give a fuck about the ache in my ribs from moving too fast, I don’t give a fuck about my raging headache. “You’re in love with me?’’

  She nods and when she wraps her arms around me and puts her hands flat on my back as if to secure me there, right there against her, I free-fall but the crash never comes. I soar. Laughter builds within me ready to escape my lips as a huge smile stretches my whole face.

  “I realized it yesterday.’’

  I lean my face closer to hers, my eyes set on her parted lips, too enticing for me to resist. But she shakes her head and I stop, my nose brushing against hers. “Beautiful?’’

  “Our feelings aren’t more important than the rest, Jensen. We can’t.’’

  “I’m not a self-sacrificing type, Aideen. I want you, I have feelings for you and I’m not going to willingly hurt just because we shouldn’t or some shit like that.’’

  “Don’t be like that.’’

  I keep her face in my hands, but I lean back, putting some more distance between us, before I go for a kiss even though she’s saying no. I know she wants it as badly as I do. It’s in the way she keeps biting her lip, the way her tongue peeks out every few seconds, the way her nipples are pushing through her top, the way she shivers every time my fingers tug on strands of her hair. Everything about her is screaming ‘kiss me’, everything but her fucking mind. This moment right here is far too important for me to fuck up. She’s too important.

  “Don’t think I want to hurt Hal. It’s the last thing I want, but for the first time in years I feel alive again. I don’t feel the need to get shit faced when I’m with you or when I know I’ll see you. I don’t want to do some reckless shit and I actually care about my life. But without you all of that doesn’t matter. Hal doesn’t love you like I do, Aideen. If he did he’d be a mess for not being with you. If he loved you like I do, he’d be here begging you to fucking have him. He’s got a crush on you, yes, but a crush is nothing when you compare it to all-consuming feelings.’’ I run my thumb along her lower lip and she tastes me with the tip of her tongue. I groan. “There’re fireworks between us, beautiful. It’s a fucking explosion and it’s only growing. I love you. I’m in love for the first time. What are you ready to do for love? Because I’m ready to go all the way and fight for us. I’m ready to do everything you want me to, even turn my back on you and go. Your choice.’’

  AIDEEN

  When a man declares his love for you, you don’t have much of a choice. Not when everything inside you is jumping for joy, and you’re ready to launch yourself at him and kiss him breathless.

  I don’t have a choice, or maybe I have and I’ve made it when I faced my feelings for this ruggedly handsome man. I bring a hand to his face, weaving my fingers through his beard. He leans his face into my palm and closes his eyes. When he lets me see this vulnerable side of him I want to stay in his arms and never leave. I’m a pool of goo.

  “All this is new for me, Jensen. For years I’ve been the one taking care of someone else. I was in charge most of the time and my feelings were very different for Yann. You make me feel a love so strong, so passionate that I’m left weak in its wake. And I’m scared. So scared.’’

  “I’m scared too, beautiful. I’m not Yann, I don’t need you to shoulder my burden and be there to go through the mess in my head. I’m a big man and I’m slowly going to get back on my feet. I want you in my life and in my bed. I want to share everything with you, but I don’t want you to be my pillar. For once, let someone else be yours. I want to be yours.’’

  I snake my hand from his beard to behind his head, playing with his short hair getting longer, long enough to wave softly in every direction, both making him look younger and more manly in the sexiest possible way.

  “What are we going to do, Jensen? We’re going to hurt people, and they’re going to frown on our relationship.’’

&
nbsp; “One step at a time, beautiful. First, I want to hear it from your mouth. Tell me you’re mine, because I already am yours.’’

  I tilt my head higher up and drink his face in. “I’m yours.’’

  His nostrils flare at my words and his grip on me tightens, pulling me harder into him. “That’s right, beautiful. You’re mine and now that I have you, this time around I’m not going to let you go. We’re in this together.’’

  “What are we going to do about the others?’’

  “I don’t know, but I don’t think we should keep it a secret for much longer. We should tell them the truth before it comes back and bites us in the ass. They deserve the truth as much as we owe it to us.’’

  I nod and go on my tip-toes. “You’re right, but I’m not ready to let them know. My family is going to…uh...’’

  He smirks at me, his eyes going to and from my lips and eyes. “I’m sure I’m not really the type your parents would have chosen as their daughter’s boyfriend.’’

  “Boyfriend?’’ I laugh at the word, so foreign when in reference to this man.

  “It’s what I am. Unless you want to refer me as your…lover.’’ He closes the last few inches between our lips and I gasp in his mouth, letting his tongue in. I almost forgot how incredibly intense he kisses me. “I don’t mind,’’ he whispers against my mouth, his lips brushing mine.

  I smile then, a real smile that awakens the muscles in my face that seem to have frozen over the course of the last couple of weeks. The dead weight in my chest alleviates some, but a part of it is still there. I hate knowing we’re going to hurt people.

  “I hope you know what you’re doing because I really don’t.’’

  He smirks and nips my lip, sending shivers down my body. I gasp softly. His hands on me tighten briefly. “I’ve never been in love like this and I can’t remember the last time I had a real girlfriend, beautiful. I don’t have a fucking clue what I’m doing, but I’m stubborn. I’ll get it right.’’

  I nod and bring my lips back against his, firmly, demanding. In no time, he crouches in front of me and goes to take me in his arms, but I stop him before he hurts himself more. Instead, he grabs my hands and pulls me toward the bedroom. With a kick of his feet he sends the door crashing against the wall.

  “Impatient?’’

  “I’m rock hard, beautiful.’’ He looks down at me as he slowly lays me down on the mattress and beyond the unmistakable lust I see adoration. “So, yes, I am impatient. I want to sink into you, hear you moan my name and feel your nails in my skin. I need to feel you close.’’ He strips off his shirt and I drink in his chest, the way his abs flex at his every move. “When you look at me like that I’m ready to lose it.’’

  “How?’’ I go on my knees and strip off my top, sending it to the floor, not once looking away from Jensen and his incredible body. But when my eyes land on the impressive bulge in his pants, I lick my lips, remembering how he tastes there, how much he enjoyed what I gave him. With him, it’s very enjoyable. I crave his loss of control, his lust. It drives me on, pushes me on, and mostly pushes all my buttons in a good way. Before him I didn’t know how wonderful it is to make a man blind with lust. “Lose it as ‘tear each other’s clothes off’ or crazy ‘I’m going to come at any moment’?’’

  His nostrils flare again as he takes a deep breath, probably trying to calm himself. He kneels on the mattress, right in front of me. His eyes go to my heavy breasts partially hidden by my purple bra. It’s simple and cotton, nothing fancy, but the look on his face makes me feel incredibly sexy, as if I’m wearing the most expensive lingerie. He grazes his thumb over my nipple and my head rolls back. My flesh breaks out in goosebumps, my muscles tense all over, and my pussy clenches, begging for him. I want him so bad it almost hurts.

  “I’m ready to come with just one of your kisses, Aideen.’’ He palms my breasts, toys with my nipples between his fingers and I moan throatily. “I want to tear off your clothes every fucking time you’re not naked.’’ His voice becomes huskier. “I want to fuck you until we both can’t take it anymore.’’ He rubs his beard along my neck, licking a path here and there, right until he’s at my throat, nibbling my skin. “I want to be deep inside you, again and again, beautiful. That’s how I’m ready to lose it, lose myself in you.’’

  His words…These words…

  His breath caresses my skin down my neck and travels over my breasts. I bring my hands to his back and behind his head, needing him to stay against me. His mouth worships the swell of my breasts, first one then the other, not missing even a square inch.

  “How do you expect me to not react to that?’’ I’m breathless, arching up toward him and his wicked mouth.

  He goes back to my mouth, but doesn’t kiss me. Instead, he brushes his nose against mine, softly, sweetly, but his smirk is anything but sweet or soft. “Who said you shouldn’t react? I want you out of your fucking mind, Aideen. Always.’’

  He runs his hands along my sides, over my ribcage and to my back. With a quick flick of his fingers he undoes my bra. I bite on my lip and push down the straps, too eager to wait for him. His eyes watch my fingers drawing down the purple straps, and when my bra falls between us on the bed, his eyes stay on my bare breasts. His smirk disappears and his eyes are hooded. His abs ripple as he takes a deep breath, drawing my attention to the deep purple bruises marking his skin, witness of what happened just yesterday. His arms tense at his side, as if trying to not pounce on me. I feel sexy in front of him. He always makes me feel sexy, desired, beautiful, but I’m concerned when I stare at these bruises. He shakes his head and forces my eyes back on his face.

  “You make me want to take all the fucking time in the world, but every time I end up unable to take my time. You make me desperate for you and nothing can stop me from finally being with you,” he says. “I’m fine, okay?’’

  I nod and let myself be drawn back to him, pushing the accident away from my mind. “I need you now. We’ll take our time later, but now,’’ I grab his left hand and put it on my aching breast. “Now I want you to hurry up because I can’t wait to feel you inside me.’’

  “Talk dirty to me and it’s going to be over quick.’’ He chuckles and tugs on my nipple. The light pain makes me moan. It sends sparks right to my core. My panties are wet and getting wetter by the second. I wriggle on my knees, squeezing my thighs in the hope of feeling some friction. “Don’t cheat.’’ He grabs my chin and nods to the pillows. “Lay down.’’

  I go willingly and keep my legs parted, hoping to feel his body on top of me, feel his thick cock against me. Instead he takes his time looking at me, at my jeans still buttoned, at my bare breasts and the taut nipples already red from his touch. My hips move upward, I clench into nothing. Without touching me he can bring me to my knees.

  Then, he unbuttons his jeans, keeping his eyes on me the whole time, barely cringing anymore when he moves. Apparently, Jensen can be turned on enough to not feel the pain much anymore. When he strips off his pants, I see the large bandages on his legs and I gulp. Some have small traces of blood on them, clashing on the pristine skin. I gulp again, but it has nothing to do with desire. It’s a harsh reminder that we almost lost him. That I almost lost him. Somehow, seeing the blood is more striking than the bruises.

  My eyes don’t even stray to his eager cock standing proudly in front of me, no. My eyes are on his legs and they water.

  “Aideen. Aideen, look at me.’’ He coaxes me gently. He comes back to the bed and lays next to me on his side, locking his jaw when pain strikes him. “I’m fine. It’s nothing at all.’’ He points at his legs.

  I nod and move into his arms, wrapping him in my arms, cuddling up into him as close as possible. If I could, I’d crawl into him. “I thought my heart would stop, you know.’’

  “I’m sorry, beautiful. But I’m right here and in one piece.’’ He runs a hand along my spine, stopping at my ass and massaging it sensually.

  “You never stop, huh?’
’ I laugh and look up at him.

  His smile is proud and amused. “I’m alive and right now, I’m very hard, beautiful. You can’t expect anything else when you’re almost completely naked and plastered against me.’’

  “One track mind.’’

  “Yeah, but you love it.’’

  “I love you.’’

  “Let’s show each other how much.’’ He smirks and pushes me on my back. Before he crawls on top of me I stop him with a hand on his shoulder. He frowns at me and sighs with disappointment.

  “You’re hurt, Jensen. You’re not supposed to get too wild so soon.’’

  “Believe me, these ribs aren’t going to hold me back, beautiful. I want you too damn bad right now. Don’t leave me with blue balls.’’ He cradles my face and pleads with his eyes, looking much younger suddenly. And more playful too.

  I push on his chest softly at first, but when he doesn’t budge I put more strength into it. He finally lies on his back. I shake my head at him and throw a leg on the other side of his big body, straddling him. His hard cock pushes between my ass and I rub myself on him, sucking on my lips at the sensations going through me. He groans and grips onto my hips until I stop moving. He quickly unbuttons my jeans and takes down my zipper.

  “Does this position bother you?’’ I ask with a sassy smile as I lean closer to his face, my mouth brushing lightly against his.

  “Watching you ride me is one of my fantasies, beautiful. I’d take you in any and all positions I can. And if you think I’m going to be passive under you, you have another thing coming.’’

  I take off my pants and panties under his watchful eyes. His hands never leave my body, always staying on my breast, hip or ass until I’m straddling him again, my hands on each side of his face, my wet pussy coating his hard cock twitching against me. I glance down and see his pre-come on his stomach. I moan his name and his hands spasm on my hips, urging me on. But I keep myself in check, afraid to hurt him. He’s already moving a lot more than I expected. He meets each of my teasing moves with his own, drawing out my pleasure and need for more.