by Grace Risata
I tried really hard not to turn and look back for one last glimpse at Libby’s face. I couldn’t resist. If I was in the bible, I would have turned to salt. But I did NOT care one bit. It was so worth it. She looked like she’d just seen the aliens from Dane’s movie land right there in front of her desk and carry off her computer. It was epic.
Dane grabbed my ass right before he held the door open for me and that made Libby’s jaw drop even further.
“You have no idea how happy you just made me. Revenge is SO sweet. I would do anything you wanted right now. I would buy you a freaking planet if I had the money!” I announced as we walked to my car.
“It’s the little in things in life, huh? You’re very easy to please, you know that?” Dane said while shaking his head.
“That was not little at all. Did you see the way she was fawning all over you with her little hair twirl and her cleavage bend and her eye fluttering? Please!”
“Yes, I noticed. I was there. I had a front row seat to the spectacle. Do girls really think that guys fall for that shit?” he asked.
“I have no idea what guys fall for. I don’t exactly have them knocking down my door. What was she saying to you before I walked up?” I was dying to know what they were talking about. I give myself credit for waiting a full thirty seconds into the conversation before asking. Winter would be bitch-slapping me right now and telling me to play it cool. That’s not how I rolled.
“She was asking me to impregnate her with my obviously virile sperm,” he responded, quite matter-of-factly.
“She did NOT!”
“You are so easy to torment,” he said. “I merely walked in to the building, casually minding my own business, when she called me over to her desk. She told me that she was in charge of greeting everyone who walks in the door and that her name was Libby and she’d be happy to answer any questions I might have. I knew who she was and how much you hate her, so I figured I’d have a little fun. I asked her where each department was located and if she could point them out to me. She pointed left and right and made sure to stick her tits out as much as possible to get me to notice them. You missed her lick her lips seductively about fourteen times. I was getting ready to ask her if she needed some chapstick, when you walked up and interrupted me. My original plan was to ask where the order department was because I knew someone who worked there. She would ask who, to be polite, and I would say, ‘Izzy Kowalski’ and she would say, ‘Gross, she’s a bad driver and her vagina smells like Doritos’ and I would say, ‘how do you know about her vagina unless you’re a lesbian, and if you are a lesbian then why are you flirting with me so shamelessly?’ and she would not have an answer to that and I will have won the debate.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s definitely NOT how the conversation would have gone at all,” I managed to say through fits of laughter. “Are you going to be throwing the Dorito thing in my face every chance you get? Just wondering.”
“No, I plotted the conversation in my head from every angle and that’s the most probable one to happen. And, yes, the Doritos shall come up in every conversation from now until the aliens kill us all,” he said with a smile.
“What the hell got into you? I’m the one with the reason to be happy. Why are you so giddy? It’s frightening!”
“I got paid today. I got a fat check for one hundred and eighty-eight dollars for two days of work. The payroll gets done every Thursday for the previous week, which goes Monday through Sunday. I worked Saturday and Sunday, so I got paid. I’m rich. I have money to burn. Let’s go shopping!”
“Congratulations! What are you going to buy?” I asked.
“I need to get several items, actually. Can we stop at Thrifty Mart on the way home?”
“I’m hungry and I have to feed Kitty. Can we go after supper? I’m sure I need things there too. Let me go home and make a list.”
We went home and ate some barbeque ribs that I threw in the slow cooker that morning. They were pretty tender and I was pleased with a job well done. Dane ate the food in no time flat and I could tell he was itching to go spend his money.
“How did you get a check anyway? I thought you never gave them your social security number?” I asked.
“Ah, yeah. I just made one up.”
“They’re going to figure that out when they report the new hire to the state!”
“I have a little bit of time from when they file and when the state processes the paperwork. I figure I’ll tell them that I was off one digit and buy myself another few weeks. It’s all paperwork bureaucracy, nothing ever happens too fast.”
I shrugged my shoulders and we left to take a field trip to Thrifty Mart. I hated the store. The lines were always so long in the check-out and they usually never had all the items I was looking for. I only went there because they had unbeatable prices.
“What do you need to buy?” I asked Dane.
“I need a few things down the health and beauty aisle. I would also like some more jeans. Thrifty Mart does not stock the high-end designer brands that make my ass look like a male model, but beggars can’t be choosers. I need a cell phone, too.”
Dane glided down the aisles like a kid in a candy store, throwing stuff into the cart. He explained why he was buying each item as he went.
“I need this body wash and deodorant because it’s the same kind I use at home and I’m sick of smelling like cheap crap. Same for the shampoo. Your lady stuff is nice, but it’s not manly enough.”
We went down the birth control aisle and he continued his shopping spree. “I need condoms because my girl would like to get it in and those are a necessary evil,” he advised while looking at me out of the corner of his eye. I blushed and hoped no one was within earshot. “Ribbed for her pleasure?” he added, “Yes, that will do just fine. It’s all about HER pleasure.” He started whistling a happy tune and I purposely fell back a few paces to avoid being seen with him. If he started skipping down the aisles next, I was going to wait in the car.
Up next was the electronics section. Dane spent a minute comparing cell phone plans before asking me, “Do you know anything about how to set one of these up? I don’t want to give any personal information.”
We read the boxes on all the burner phones and picked the one that was the cheapest and easiest to set up. You had to give them an email address and a phone number to get started. Dane threw one in the cart and moved on to the clothing department.
“Ok, let’s do a quick total. Twenty-five bucks on toiletries and thirty-five for a phone equals sixty dollars. I need to save some money for my big night tomorrow. Fifty should take care of that. That doesn’t leave me much for jeans and walking around money. I’ll get one pair of jeans and we can call it a day,” he said.
“What’s your big night tomorrow?” I asked. He hadn’t said anything about having plans. The only thing he mentioned was his stupid movie and that didn’t cost fifty bucks.
“I have a hot date with Libby.”
My eyes grew as big as saucers and my mouth dropped open before I could stop myself.
“Izzy. Take it down from the code red. Call off the nukes. I was kidding. I have plans, but I’m not ready to discuss them yet. They involve you, so you can settle down. I’ll let you know when they’re a bit more concrete, ok?”
I felt the color coming back to my face, but I was getting sick of him teasing me so I gave it right back to him.
“I’m sorry, Dane,” I said while shaking my head with the most innocent face I could make. “I made other plans. Herman texted me and we have a date tomorrow.”
He raised one eyebrow and said, “Nice try, but it would have been a bit more effective if you wouldn’t have grimaced and stifled a gag as you said the name ‘Herman.’ You have a long way to go before you’ll be any good at lying.”
“Curses, foiled again.”
Dane tried on several pairs of jeans before picking a pair he liked. Every single one made his ass look amazing and I
thoroughly enjoyed him coming out of the dressing room to model for me.
We made one more stop in the food section before he was ready to checkout. He grabbed a bag of Doritos and said, “For some reason, I have a taste for these.”
Douchebag.
Dane had me wait in line while he went to the service desk to cash his check. Evidently they take a percentage to cash it, but he had no other option since he didn’t have a bank he could go to.
After we paid, he told me to wait a second. He wanted to set up the cell phone. He went to a pay phone at the entrance and used that as his contact number. Once his phone was activated, we walked out to the parking lot.
“Let me call Spider real quick and then we can head home,” Dane said as we got in the car. “I want you to talk to him in case anyone else is with him. I don’t want them to know he’s talking to me.” He dialed the number and handed me the phone.
“Hello? Who is this?” a voice on the other end of the phone asked in a none-too-friendly tone.
“This is Honey Bear.” Isn’t that who I was supposed to be? I looked at Dane for confirmation and he seemed surprised I remembered the text chat conversation from the library. I got a thumbs up.
“Oh yeah?” Spider replied.
“Yes. Is this Mister Jedi?” I asked.
Dane shook his head and put his hand over his face.
“Who the fuck is this? If you’re standing next to a moron, then put him on the phone!”
“Is the coast clear?” I asked.
Dane grabbed the phone and said, “She likes to play super-secret spy. It turns her on. What am I missing at home?”
“Who WAS that? She sounds like a twelve year old.”
“She looks better than she sounds. And don’t get me started on how she tastes. Now what the hell is going on there?” Dane asked. I hit him in the arm and gave him a dirty look.
“Wait. How does she taste?”
“This is a pre-paid cell phone. Time is of the essence. We have more important matters to discuss,” Dane reprimanded.
“I’d say this is pretty fucking important. You go on the lam and stick me with your shit and you’re partying somewhere and banging chicks? What the fuck? You were never this bold and daring when you lived here. Who ARE you?”
“He’s not banging me,” I yelled in the background.
“Am I on speakerphone?” Spider asked.
Dane clicked a button and said, “You are now. What’s going on there?”
“Hello, mystery girl. What are you wearing?” Spider said on the other end of the phone.
“Seriously? Spider, if you don’t fucking answer my question,” Dane snapped, “then I’m going to hang up on you!”
“Buzzkill. I’m sorry, mystery girl. He’s no fun. How much does she know? You might want to take me off speakerphone, bro.”
Dane did exactly that and put the phone up to his ear, but I could still hear the guy on the other end. The car was small. “Ok. Go,” Dane said.
“It took a day for the Italians to find their missing guys. It took another day for them to come knocking on my door. I pretended not to know anything and they took it upon themselves to fill me in. They explained that two of their guys were found dead in a warehouse and their driver was awol. They told me that it was in my best interest to find their driver. I said I hadn’t heard from you in days and I was also worried. I said that you called me that night and told me there was a meeting with the Latinos and you had a bad feeling about it because they looked really hyped up on something. I told them you called me from the car. They knew about the meeting and they knew it was a drug deal gone wrong. What they didn’t know was WHO exactly from the 872s was supposed to meet their guys. They’re looking for you to see if you can ID the Latino gang members. They’re not sure if you’re dead somewhere or if you took off to save your ass. I told them that I’d let them know the second you contacted me. Do you know the names of the guys who took out the Italians? This is important.”
“One of them was Carlos and the other one…I can’t remember his name. That’s all I got, man. Do you think they’ll keep coming after you if I don’t come back?”
“I think they just want to find out what you know and if you saw anything. As soon as I hang up with you, I’m going to call them and say that you finally got in contact with me. I’ll give them the name Carlos and tell them that you panicked and took off. I’m going to say that I don’t know where you are. Where are you?” Spider asked.
“If I tell you, then they could beat it out of you. I’m not going to risk it yet. Let’s just say that I’m somewhere completely safe and actually having a really good time. I’m sorry you have to take the heat for me.”
“Aw, it’s all worth it if I know you’re having fun. Jackass. So who’s the babe in the background? Give me a little something to work with here.”
“I’m living with her. I got a job, too. I’ve managed to get a lot done in two weeks.”
“Sounds like you’ve done more in two weeks than you usually do in two years! I’m impressed. Too bad you have to miss Tri-pocalypse tomorrow. I’ll be seeing it without you.”
“It’s all good. I’m taking my lady to see the movie. No fucking way in Hell am I missing that shit.”
“So she’s your lady now, hmm? Send me a picture of her. I want to see her rack!” Spider demanded.
“Fuck you. You don’t need to see her rack. They’re real and they’re spectacular!” Dane said and then promptly hung up the phone.
“Is there any chance you might be a Seinfeld fan?” I asked.
“You got that reference, huh? Good job, Izzy,” Dane said. “Give me your phone number in case I need to get ahold of you if I have to work late or something.” I gave him my number and we drove home. I had to force myself to hold in a smile at being called his “lady” and hearing about how nice my rack was. Swoon.
Once we got home, Dane put his new purchases away and made an odd request.
“Would you mind if I took Kitty out to play ball? She needs to burn off some energy and I’d like to make a phone call in private,” he admitted.
“Sure, that’s fine. Just keep an eye on her,” I said. Who else did he need to call?
I sat on the couch to flip through the shows on my DVR to see if anything was worth watching. My phone rang five seconds later. The caller ID showed an unknown number.
“Hello?” I said hesitantly.
“Hi,” a deep, masculine voice said. A very familiar sexy voice. One that liked to whisper in my ear. I wondered what game he was playing. I was definitely down for this.
“I’m sorry,” I purred, “Do I know you?”
“I’ve seen you before. I see you walking down the street on your way home from work. You may know me. My friends call me ‘Brick Wall.’ Is that jogging your memory?”
“A lot of people see me walking down the street. I’m extremely attractive and manage to draw a lot of male attention my way. Could you perhaps be more specific as to who you are?” I responded confidently. If this was turning into phone sex, then I was totally excited. I’ve never done that. I could be good at this!
“I know you’re very sexy. That’s why I’m calling you. I bet you get tons of guys asking you on dates. I just called to see if you’re free tomorrow and if I could take you to a movie?”
“I’m pretty sure it’s in the ‘hot girl handbook’ never to accept a date for the next day. It shows that you’re available and desperate. I usually book out three weeks in advance.”
“That’s a shame. I was really hoping to take you out. But if you have other plans…”
“If I did have other plans, it’s not anything I can’t cancel if need be. Why should I go out with you? What makes you so special? What are you going to do to make it worth my while?”
“I was planning to take you to a movie with aliens and zombies. Is that special enough for you?”
“Ooh. Zombies are so sexy. They make me
wet. They have voracious appetites…just like I do in the bedroom. And aliens…with all their probing and examining. Don’t get me started with all that. You’re getting me all turned on right now. I think I’m going to touch myself while we talk. Is that okay? Would you like that?” I had to put my hand over my mouth to cover up my laughter. If I was going to keep talking like this, I didn’t know if I could pull it off or not. I was not this kind of girl. The seductive kind.
The patio door burst open and an angry looking man came in with a confused dog trailing right behind him.
“Really? I’m trying to be sweet and romantic and ask you out on an official date and you have to go all Phone Sex Operator on me?”
“I didn’t know what we were doing! You didn’t tell me beforehand! I was making stuff up as I went! I thought I was doing pretty well,” I insisted.
“Yes, you were doing great. Now I have a giant hard-on and no outlet for it.”
“Yes, you have an outlet for it. It’s my turn to see you naked today and get to take a tour around the amusement park. Strip and let’s have at it,” I ordered.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“It’s already nine o’clock and we both have to work tomorrow. The next time I’m getting you into bed, I’m going to do it right. Unlimited time. No pressure. No thinking, ‘Oh, I have to work in eight hours.’ I’m going to ravage every part of you and take as long as I want. You’re not going to be able to walk the next day. You’re not going to be able to form a coherent thought let alone do your job at work. You won’t be able to operate heavy machinery. Do not pass ‘go,’ do not collect two hundred dollars. That is why we aren’t doing anything tonight.”
Wow. “Do you promise it will be that good?” I whispered.
“Not only do I promise it, I will give you a money-back guarantee,” Dane replied.
I got off the couch and gave him a slow, lingering kiss on the lips. “In that case, I will accept the invitation to join you for a movie and I look forward to anything that comes afterward.”
I went to bed and hoped that tomorrow would come soon. The suspense was killing me.