by Grace Risata
Thursday, January 28
I told the ladies at work that I would only be there for half a day on Friday. I explained that I was going to Chicago with my friends as part of a mini-vacation. They were happy that I was doing something fun. I think they were worried about me because I haven’t been myself this week. They just want the old Izzy back. I do too. I’m not going to be able to live my life until I get some answers. Having unanswered questions is the worst part of all this.
I spoke to Winter and Monica on the phone and confirmed our plans for tomorrow. The three of us had never taken a vacation together, so it was kind of exciting to have a “first” with them. Winter always wanted to go somewhere on Spring Break, but it never worked out. Either there was a job that wouldn’t allow someone time off, not enough money for a vacation, or the timing just didn’t work. It would be cool to get away, just the three of us, although I wished like hell it was a real vacation instead of confronting the man who did me wrong. I prayed with all my heart that he had a legitimate reason for all this and it was something I would be able to forgive. I needed my happy ending. I could think of no reason why fate would dump him into my lap and then scoop him up and carry him away so suddenly.
I looked in my closet and grabbed enough clothes to last the weekend. Obviously we weren’t going to drive four hours one way only to immediately return. I planned on spending the night and coming home the next day. I tended to over-pack. I ended up with enough outfits for a week, all jammed into a suitcase.
I made a few playlists on my iPod in case Winter’s choice of music was unbearable.
I left a list of instructions for Emma and made sure Kitty got extra attention from me so she wouldn’t be sad and lonely for the next few days. Who was I kidding? She loved it when Emma stayed over and gave her bones and treats and let her run wild with no rules.
I packed a bag with snacks that I got at the grocery store. There were plenty of chocolate bars in the event that it didn’t go well in Chicago. Hershey, Milky Way, and Snickers would get me through the hard times.
The only thing left to do was figure out what I was going to say to Dane once I saw him.
That is not something I could plan ahead for.
I was going to have to wing it and hope it went smoothly. With my luck, that was almost certainly NOT an option.
Friday, January 29
Work passed so slowly, that I think the clock started going backwards at one point. I was so happy when it was finally time to leave. I knew my destiny was calling me and I was eager to get to Chicago. Be it good or bad, at least I would get some answers.
Monica and Winter rolled up to my house at quarter after twelve. They both took the whole day off work and were ready to go. I stood in the driveway as they pulled up and I was treated to the sight of Winter hanging out of Monica’s sunroof.
Winter banged on the roof of the black SUV and said, “Are you ready to rumble? Let’s get this party started!”
“Are you drunk? This could end in heartbreak for me, you know. We’re not flying down to Cabo for sex, drugs, and lounging on the beach!” I complained.
“I wish we were,” she replied. “This cold weather sucks. I had to pack two suitcases full of clothes. If we were doing the Mexico party scene, I could have packed one bag with barely-there bikinis. Why can’t Dane live somewhere WARM?”
“Why can’t you be sympathetic to the fact that Izzy looks like she’s going to piss herself with fear and insecurity?” Monica asked.
“I most certainly am NOT,” I corrected her while I threw my suitcases into the back of the SUV. I had one suitcase full of clothes and one with shoes, toiletries, and food. I examined the other four bags that were already in the trunk. Evidently Monica and Winter never learned the meaning of “pack light.”
“Why did you guys bring so much stuff?” I asked while jumping into the backseat. “I’m the one who has a date with destiny. Why did you two pack half your closets?”
“I have to dress sexy for any Chicago men I happen to meet once we arrive. Who knows what will happen or where the night will take us? I’m a good scout, always prepared,” Winter replied. “Crazy pants over there never knows what kind of mood she’ll be in at any given time, so she has no choice but to pack everything she owns.”
I looked at Monica to see if she would take offense to the “crazy pants” comment, but she seemed indifferent.
“I’m not meeting anyone. I hate men. I plan to eat my way through Chicago so I brought different sizes of clothes,” Monica informed us.
I rolled my eyes and said, “I hardly think you’re going to go up a size in a day. If you want to start early with gorging yourself on crap, just let me know. I have a bag full of food.”
We passed the time by eating, talking about random stuff that we passed along the road, and gossiping about the customers at Winter’s job. She had some great stories. For some reason, people liked to confess all their secrets to bartenders and beauty shop workers.
Winter started her road trip playlist and we sang along to our old favorites, belted out the sad ballads at the top of our lungs, and danced to the fast beats when the bass was cranked as high as it would go.
“Do you feel better now, Izzy?” Winter asked. “Good songs can make all the difference in the world.”
“Yeah, you’re a good DJ. I do feel like I got some nervous energy out of my system. I’ll probably want to puke once we get closer to Chicago. What’s the exact plan to find Dane? I’m just going to call Spider’s cell phone from Dane’s old phone and hope he answers?” What sounded like a good plan a few days ago, now seemed completely unreliable.
“What if that doesn’t work?” Monica asked. “What if Spider doesn’t answer? Do we have a back-up plan?”
Winter gave me a sly wink and reassured us. “Don’t worry, ladies. I’ve got you covered. Being the brains of this little group right here, I have everything under control.”
I’m pretty sure the doubt showed on my face, because Winter continued with her plan.
“I have ‘Operation Kick Dane’s Ass’ completely plotted out. I took the initiative and had Stacey call Ant to get the information about the place where they both work. It’s a dinky little repair shop in a bad neighborhood. Don’t worry, I brought pepper spray.”
“Does he know we’re coming?” I asked. I wanted the element of surprise on my side.
“No, he doesn’t have a clue. Stacey pretended like she was deciding whether or not to go and visit Ant and she wanted to get directions to his house. She asked him if he lived close to where he works because she didn’t know what time she’d be arriving and she didn’t want to have to wait at his place,” Winter explained. “By the way, Stacey said to tell you ‘good luck’ and that she hopes it works out with you guys. She also told me to give you two Xanax before you talked to him, but I left those at home.
“I really like Stacey. She’s totally freaking crazy, but she’s growing on me.”
“Good, Izzy. I’m glad you like her. While I have you in a good mood…and since we’ll be there in about half an hour…I have to make a confession,” Winter said sheepishly.
My eyes got really wide and Monica asked, “Winter, what did you do?”
“Just hear me out before you go nuts, ok?” It was NEVER good when she started a sentence like that. I braced myself and took a deep breath.
“Spider called me on Wednesday and I hung up on him but he called back. We had a whole conversation and I never told you guys.”
“WHAT? Are you KIDDING me?” I yelled. “What did he SAY?”
“He basically demanded that I shut up and listen. That’s why I hung up on him. He’s so bossy and arrogant. He just wanted me to know that Dane was not in a good place.” Winter turned to me and said, “Spider said that Dane is not himself at all and he hadn’t spoken to Spider since they got back. I mean Spider sees him every day, but Dane refuses to talk to him. He was really worried about his friend, Izzy.”
“How did you end the conversation? What else did he say?”
“He wanted me to have you call Dane to see if it would help. I told him that Dane knows how to dial a phone and he should man up and call you himself. I hung up on him after that.”
“Why are you just telling me all this NOW?” I asked her.
“I was hoping Dane would call you. I don’t know why he hasn’t. I still don’t know anything about why he had to leave in the first place. It was like a two minute phone call. I wish I had more answers for you, but I don’t. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” Winter admitted.
“I’m sorry, too,” Monica said, so quietly it was difficult to make out her words. “I wanted to apologize to you, Izzy, but I didn’t know how.”
“You? What could you possibly have to be sorry for?” I asked my friend.
“The double date. With you and Dane. I should not have let Trent talk to you like that. I just want you to know that when I got in the middle between Trent and Dane…it was NOT to keep Dane away from Trent. It was to keep Trent from doing something stupid. I didn’t want Dane to hit him and Trent to call the police and act like a jackass. I should have called him out on it and not stood silently watching as he insulted you. I’m sorry.”
“Hey, don’t give it another thought. I wouldn’t want to be in the position to have to choose between my friend and my husband. All is forgiven. Trent is not going to cause any more problems ever again. I knew why you got between them. Winter isn’t the only genius of the group. Although it was pretty damn smart to plan ahead and get Dane’s job info.”
“Speaking of plans,” Winter said, “What are you going to say when you see Dane? Have you gone over it in your head a hundred times?”
“Amazingly, no. I have not. It’s not like an Academy Award speech where I have to remember who to thank. I’m going in there and pouring my heart out. I’ll just say whatever comes to mind. If he doesn’t like it or he tries to lie, I’m hoping you two will kick his ass while I go cry in the corner.”
“Polly Positive doesn’t cry in the corner,” Monica reminded me. “She’s busy snapping necks and cashing checks!”
“I never understood that phrase,” I admitted. “Why do you want to snap someone’s neck and then cash their check? They’ll be dead! The bank won’t let the check through!”
Monica and Winter erupted in laughter and called me a moron. Whatever. I still think that phrase is stupid.
The time for laughter and joking was nearing an end. We pulled off the freeway and made our way to a very bad neighborhood. A neighborhood in which it was not at all wise to be driving a luxury Lexus SUV. We stuck out in a major way and drew attention to ourselves.
“Are we almost there? We’re going to get carjacked!” I said.
“It’s like two blocks away. The windows are up and the doors are locked. Relax. My pepper spray is in my purse,” Winter reassured me.
“As long as you’re ready to save the day, Wonder Woman, I guess we’ll be fine!” I was getting hysterical and it had nothing to do with the neighborhood and everything to do with seeing Dane again. What if he was mad I just showed up out of the blue? No. No way. Screw that. HE was the one who left. He had no right to be mad about a damn thing. I was the one who had a right to be upset. Ok. Deep breath.
“What if Dane isn’t working today?” Monica asked as she pulled up to a dilapidated service garage sandwiched between a pawn shop and an apartment building. I looked around and took notice of the bars on the windows and the missing letter in the sign above the door. It read “S-eedy Repair Garage” because the “P” in “Speedy” was missing. Maybe their repairs were seedy, too? This neighborhood was certainly sketchy.
“Beep the horn and we’ll find out,” Winter demanded.
“Why am I beeping the horn?” Monica asked.
“I saw it in a movie. That lets them know to open the garage door and let you in. Just try it. What do we have to lose at this point?””
Monica did as she was told, and the door miraculously opened. My heart skipped a beat when I recognized Ant standing next to a car. He was just about to open the hood. Next to him was none other than Spider. Thank God we were in the right place at least. Although I didn’t see Dane, one of them would know where to find him. This was really happening. I got out of the SUV and tried not to have a heart attack.
Monica and Winter followed as I made my way over to Spider. He leaned up against the wall with a giant smile on his face, looking as smug as hell.
Spider knocked on the hood of the car next to him and said, “Dane, get your ass out from under there. You’re going to want to see this.”
“Go fuck yourself,” was the reply he got. I would recognize that voice anywhere! It was Dane! Why was I so excited and relieved to hear him? I was pissed at that asshole. He left me with no explanation. Must not forget anger! Must not forget…
“Dane?” I called out tentatively.
I heard the clank sound of a tool falling on the concrete floor, and a man immediately wheeled himself out from under the car. Dane took one look at me and stared in complete shock.
“Izzy,” he said, his voice no more than a whisper.
“You look like shit,” I mumbled without thinking. It was true. He was pale with dark circles under his eyes, as though he hadn’t slept in a week. Grease coated the entire front of his grey mechanic’s shirt. Most noticeable was the profound sadness that blanketed his face. I had never seen such a look of desperation on him before. He had always been so easy-going and calm.
Dane immediately got up and closed the distance between us.
“Izzy,” he repeated. “You’re here.”
“Of course I am,” I replied. “I came to find you. I missed you. Do you know why? Because you matter to me. I never kicked you out. I never wanted you to leave. Because you mean something to me. You MATTER to me, so I came to find you. You matter to me, so I came BACK for you, Dane. I came back for you.”
I stared at him, willing him to understand. I wasn’t like everyone from his childhood. I wouldn’t give him up and walk away. I wanted him. He was worth coming back for.
He understood. I saw it in his face. He relaxed as he cocked his head and considered my words.
“No one else ever has, they all wanted me gone. But not you. Now…you…you came back for me?” he asked.
“Of course I did.”
Dane took my face in his hands and kissed me for all he was worth. It was gentle and sweet, yet passionate and unrestrained all at once. He poured himself into that kiss, every single ounce of emotion that had been building for so long. It made me realize just how much I missed him in the week he’d been gone. I missed his kiss, his touch, his taste, his smell. I missed…everything. This revelation made me remember that it was HIS fault I missed him. That asshole left me. I pushed him away and snapped back to reality.
“How could you leave me like that? You know how I am about losing people after both my parents died when I was so young. You, of all people, should know better! In your own life people came and went, never giving you a reason for their actions. You understand how a loss completely guts you inside, yet you left me anyway with NO explanation! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?” I started talking rationally, but ended up screaming the last sentence in frustration.
Dane’s face fell as if I’d just punched him the stomach. He looked down at his feet, unable to look me in the eyes.
“Izzy, I’m sorry,” he said, returning his gaze to my face. “There’s nothing I can say to change what I did. It was the stupidest mistake I’ve ever made in my entire life. The moment I left that note and drove down the street, I knew it would come back to haunt me. And it has. Every morning I wake up and you’re not in my bed. Every single thing I do…it all reminds me of you. I dream of you every night. I must have picked up the phone to call you a thousand times, but I didn’t know what to say. How do you beg for forgiveness when you have no words? I felt like a p
iece of me was missing this week. As if all the vibrant color drained out of my life and I was stuck in black and white. I could never walk away from you, NEVER.”
“You DID! So I guess I don’t mean shit to you.”
Dane shook his head. “Did you read my letter? It wasn’t goodbye. I just had to take care of some things here. It was for your own good.”
“Yes, I read your letter. I never want to look at that fucking thing ever again.” I took it out of my pocket, crumpled it up, and threw it at him. “Do you know how many times I read it over and over and asked myself what was so damn important that you couldn’t be honest and just tell me what was going on? Why you couldn’t trust me enough to tell me what was so awful? Why you had to leave without saying goodbye? I had no answers. You have twelve seconds to come up with an explanation or I’m leaving.” There was no way I would leave after coming this far. I just wanted him to know how angry I was and that he wasn’t getting off scot-free.
“You want answers? Fine. I felt like an asshole living with you rent-free and not having a dime to my name. That’s not how I operate. I take care of myself. I finally found a girl that meant something to me and I couldn’t even pay for a nice dinner out with her and her friend. I felt like a piece of shit when you had to slip me money so Trent wouldn’t call me out on the fact that I was a broke loser. You have no idea how that bothered me. I never took charity before from anyone. I’ve always taken care of myself. Before I met you, I had something of a life here. I had a job, an apartment, and a very nice income from street racing before I blew my engine. When I took off, I left it all behind. You know this already. What you don’t know is that one of the major annual road rallies just happens to be taking place tomorrow. I finished in second place last year, and I intended to win this time. What’s stopping me? You. I knew you would freak out if I told you that I had to leave to get my car ready and compete in the race. It’s dangerous and it’s illegal and I knew you wouldn’t like that. I didn’t tell you about the race for your own good. I didn’t want you to worry about me. I figured I’d come back here, fix my car, win the race, make some easy money, and go back to you with more than a nickel to my name. That ‘happily-ever-after’ scenario was good in theory. I was convinced it would work and things would turn out fine. My problem is that I don’t think things through. Everything was great until I had to leave that fucking note. If I could get a rewind, I would change everything and tell you the truth. It’s too late for that now. All I can do is beg you for your forgiveness. And promise that I will never, EVER do anything as stupid as that again. Please give me another chance.”