by Mia Allen
“I’ve been thinking… do you ever feel like society has these expectations for you to push forward, but you can’t really meet them because of your own personal feelings, and it’s beginning to drive you crazy?” I asked.
They looked at one another, both of them chuckling. I turned beet-red, getting annoyed.
“It’s not funny,” I said.
“We’re not laughing at you Casey. We’re laughing because that’s the life we always have to live. I mean, I’m a world-renowned writer and a teacher. Everyone thinks that I’m always this boring stick in the mud, but you probably figured out that I’m a person. However, I always have to keep that teacher vibe up, even though I hate it,” he said.
“Yeah. I’m in the same boat, but I have parents that want me to do well with what I’ve chosen. They weren’t too happy when they found out I wasn’t going into the family business after college. So I have to keep those expectations up all the time,” he said.
“I always have to pretend I’m a serious man, yet I’m pressured from all sides of life to find someone, connect with them, and actually build a relationship. It’s easier said than done, and while most don’t know it, it does drive me mad,” Robert said.
“Same. My family is always telling me I’m a failure for being a teacher and not in their company, but I’m happier this way. Yet I’m always getting hounded for my desires not following their expectations,” Caleb added.
I was shocked. So they did understand. They were people too, unlike what I thought. I mean, this university is one of the best in the country. I just felt like everyone who was here didn’t really care about anything else but their job
“Wow. Thank you for telling me,” I said.
“No problem. I mean, it’s good to know the truth. You’re doing well though. I’m sure that your parents are proud of you,” Caleb said.
I don’t know, but I mean, maybe they are. I haven’t heard from them, but I mean, maybe no news is good news. Of course, maybe I’ve been selling myself short recently.
“Thanks,” I replied.
“You’re very welcome,” both of them said at the same time. They looked at me, and I began to blush. I knew that they were perfect in their own way, and soon, I began to tense up. What was wrong with me? Why did I have this strange urge to say I like them? I’m so confused.
“I should get going. It’s getting late,” I said.
“Okay. Just be careful Casey. And remember, you can call us anytime. You have my number,” Robert said.
That’s what I was afraid of. Calling them for something else other than tutoring. I left the room, heading over to my dorm, unsure of what to do.
“What the hell is going on? Why is my heart racing like this? Where are these thoughts coming from?” I asked.
I spent the rest of the night trying to get my mind off it, but it proved to be too much, and soon, I was thinking harder and harder on it. I did feel compassion for both of them, a desire to help both these men, something that was foreign. Perhaps they would come to me when the time was right, but of course, I had my own battles to fight.
I knew this would only get worse with time, but I wondered how much longer I’ll be thinking about them before the desire to tell them overflows out.
Chapter 5
I felt weird realizing that there were feelings there. I mean, did they feel the same way? Was this all just my imagination? Honestly, I didn’t even know anymore, but it was driving me slightly batty. However, I wanted to tell someone about this, anyone at all. I wouldn’t give out their names obviously, but I needed to just let someone know what’s going on, maybe to help sort out the feelings on the matter I possessed.
My best friend, Tina, would be the best one to go to. I called her up after my tutoring session, waiting a minute before she responded. When she did, she let out a small squeak f happiness.
“Finally you called! I was wondering how you were doing?” she asked.
“Yeah. I have a situation. Would it be cool if we chilled together?” I asked.
There was a pause, and I could tell she wanted to know immediately what was eating at me.
“Sure. Is everything okay?” she asked.
“It could be better, but I have a problem. It’s kind of embarrassing,” I said.
“Well, let’s talk it over coffee and lunch. How does tomorrow sound?” she asked.
“That works for me,” I said.
I clicked the phone off, feeling relieved that I had someone to talk about my feelings with. It’s weird, but I’ve truly never felt this way about someone ever. It’s a new, foreign feeling in a sense, but at the same time, I want to explore it. I want to understand what I’m going through.
The next day came quickly. I went over to our usual spot, a small restaurant right outside of campus. I didn’t have classes today, and there was a three-day weekend, giving me time to think on this. When I got in there, I saw Tina right away. I moved into the booth, seeing the smile on her face.
“Let’s order first, and then we’ll talk,” she told me.
I couldn’t agree more. I was starved. The waiter took our orders, and once he left, she looked at me with a smile.
“So what’s up? You seemed worried on the phone,” she said.
I took a deep breath. I didn’t know where to begin, and honestly, I didn’t feel like telling my best friend I had it hot for the teachers I was with.
“Well, there’s this person that I like. I don’t know what to do about it,” I said.
“Oh? So you have a crush. What’s he like?” she asked.
What she didn’t know was that the desire within me was for both of them, and I felt almost ashamed about that.
“Well they’re a bit older, and they’ve really helped me. you know my home life isn’t the best. Sure, I get everything handed to me, but I also have a lot of rules put in. I kind of confided to them about it, and this person understood me far more than anyone ever has. It’s also the first time I’ve… ever really felt compassion,” I said.
“Woah. I knew you changed girl but I didn’t expect this,” Tina said jokingly.
“No shit. It’s so weird, but I feel for them, and I don’t hate myself for feeling this way. In truth, I feel happy about that. I really do,” I said.
“That’s amazing. Do you think it’ll work out?” she asked.
I blushed. That was my biggest problem. “That’s the thing. I’m scared. I don’t know where to begin with this. I’ve never fallen for a person, ever, and the fact that this might be happening now terrifies me. I don’t know what to do,” I cried out.
The restaurant looked at me for a moment, causing me to blush, but then, Tina smiled.
“You know, that’s perfectly normal if you’re not versed in what these feelings could be,” she told me with a grin.
“Wait, really?” I asked her. I couldn’t believe it.
“It’s true. I seem to be in the same boat. I never truly did understand my feelings for another person. One time, there was this guy I really liked, and I was almost too scared to let him know. But the only way to acknowledge those feelings is to tell them, which was what scared me. I didn’t want to tell others about it, but as I came to terms with my feelings, I realized it wasn’t so bad. I felt better, and honestly, it’s going to bother the crap out of you until you do something about it,” she told me.
I nodded, feeling the fear lace through my body. What sucks, is that she actually did have a point, it’s just scary to actually come forward and admit those feelings.
“I know I’ll feel better, but I’m scared. Plus it might be considered wrong,” I said.
“Listen Casey, the only way you’ll feel better is to be true to yourself. You can tell me forever about how much you like this person. I get it. I’ve been there before. But it’s not the same as buckling down and letting this person know of your feelings. The only way to feel better, especially in your case, is to just get down and say it. just tell them,” she said.
I lis
tened to this, and while I knew she meant well, she didn’t understand the fear that laced my bones. However, I knew that just telling her that was only going to make things go around in circles, so I sighed.
“Yeah. I get it. I’ll try,” I said.
“You will do it. It’s the only way to feel good about it. I mean, I can’t tell you how to feel, or even what to do. But if you do what your heart says, do what is right, no matter what, you’ll get what you want out of this,” she said.
I paused, taking time to mull over this. I turned to her, smiling warmly as I thanked her.
“I do appreciate it. Thanks,” I said.
“You’re welcome. Just follow your heart. You’ll feel way better,” she admitted to me.
Maybe I would. I didn’t know for sure, but the fear of the moment raced through me as well. I spent the rest of lunch telling her about how school is going.
“Oh yeah, did you finally get that class sorted out? I know you hated it, especially when I was in there,” she said.
I blushed. That was part of the reason why I was feeling better. I simply nodded, giving her a sly grin.
“Yeah. I feel way better about it. I’ve done some thinking, which honestly really helped. I realized why I kept failing that class. It was my dumb immaturity,” I said to her.
“Good. You just keep doing what is right. I, for one, am proud that you’re taking your responsibility with it,” she said.
I blushed, nodding in assent.
“Thanks,” I said.
The rest of lunch was quiet for the most part, and then, I headed out. I knew that I needed to tell them, especially about how I was feeling. Finals were coming soon anyways, and I knew that holding onto these feelings would only make me feel worse, and while I did enjoy going to tutoring, I also started to regret it, simply because of how much it affected me mentally, and how much I wanted to tell them.
Chapter 6
I spent the next two weeks going to tutoring, but for the most part, I stayed quiet. I didn’t tell either of them about my feelings, what I was going through, or even how to feel. Of course, that aroused pure suspicion from both of them, and they looked at me with a curious glance.
“Everything okay?” Caleb asked.
I blushed, trying to hide the truth albeit failing.
“I guess,” I said.
“What’s wrong? You can tell us, you know,” Robert said.
I looked at both of them, noticing just how pretty they looked today. Fuck, this was making me feel even worse.
“It’s nothing, I swear. I don’t want to tell you,” I said.
“Are you sure?” Caleb asked.
“Yes!” I cried out. I immediately turned away, trying to hide my shame.
Both of them knew that something big happened, and they wanted to ask what in the world was going on. However, they simply brushed it off, not caring about what was happening. However, it was eating me alive, driving me insane, and while I wanted to tell them, I feared they might hate me. I mean, a student shouldn’t fall for their teacher and the aide that he had, but rather, she should be looking at people her own age. I felt scared, especially with how taboo this was. I didn’t want them to get in trouble, especially since both of them did love teaching.
I spent the next hour or so trying to hide my feelings, however, I was totally distracted. At the end of this, both of them looked at me, concern on their faces.
“Are you sure you’re oaky? If there is anything you want to say, you can tell us,” Robert said.
I wanted to tell them, I really did. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt these feelings, but I also felt ashamed by them as well.
“No. I don’t want to say it. At least, not yet,” I said to them.
Thy understood, backing off. “Well you have my number. I’ll let Caleb know as well,” he said.
I did have their number, which made expressing these feelings all the worse for me. I had a desire to just come forward, to tell them the truth, but I knew that doing so could risk everything. We had such a good relationship already, that I didn’t want to ruin it all.
“I’ll think about telling you. Just give me time,” I said.
I left the tutoring session, not going to them or class for about three days. I did get calls from Robert, but I felt the fear racing through my body as I saw his number. I wanted to tell him, I really did, but I always feared the worst. I didn’t know what he would do if he knew the truth? Would he hate me? Would he report me? Would I lose everything? I doubted it. I knew that I’d have to face the music sooner rather than later.
On the third day, I got a call once again. I wanted to ignore it, more than I’ve ever wanted to ignore a call before, but I picked it up on instinct, holding it up to my ear.
“Hello?” I said.
“Hey, it’s Robert. Can we talk? You haven’t been to class in about three days,” he said.
I paused. Do I tell him the truth? Or should I continue to play this off? I could pretend I’m sick or something?
“It’s nothing. Just…there is something that I want to tell you. like really badly,” I said to him.
There was a pause on the other end, and I began to wonder if he already knew. “Do you want to say it in person or over the phone?”
“In person. I can’t here,” I admitted. I didn’t because I feared the worst honestly. I was already bracing myself for the obvious rejection incoming. There was another pause, and I hoped that he wouldn’t hang up on me. finally, he spoke.
“Meet me at the room in about thirty minutes. We’ll talk there,” he said.
I thought about it. as much as I didn’t want to tell them at school, I felt like it was now or never, especially with the way everything was going.
“Fine. I’ll see you then,” I said.
I hung up the phone, my breath coming out in ragged gasps. I couldn’t believe I was doing this. Why did I fear it so much? Probably because this was all novel to me, but still. I began to feel the fear racing through my body, but I knew it was time to face the music.
I got ready, putting on a cute black sweater dress and some stockings, pulling my black hair back into a ponytail. I would do this. I’ll face it all, and I’ll make sure that the true feelings that resided within me would come out and show themselves.
Chapter 7
“So what do we do?” Caleb said.
Robert sat in his office, head in his hands. He knew he couldn’t hide this anymore, and the fact that a meeting was called this late seemed suspicious.
“I don’t know Caleb. I can’t pretend anymore,” he said.
“I honestly can’t either. But what about the school? What about our jobs?” Caleb said. He feared starting a romance would be the nail on the coffin for them, and so did Robert.
Robert knew he’d put up too many walls for far too long. All of this time, all of this strain and worry, it was eating him alive. He couldn’t play pretend with his feelings anymore.
“I’ve deluded myself far too long Caleb. I have a feeling if we’re quiet about it, everything will be okay,” he said.
“Even with the risk?”
“Yes Caleb, even with all the risk in the world. You want this. I want this. I’ve never fallen for a woman like this before. I’m not letting this get away. If she says what she’ll say, I already know my feelings on the matter. You can sort out your own,” Robert said. It was the first time Robert actually knew what he felt, and when Caleb looked at him, he sighed.
“I feel the same way. Even though I don’t want to admit it, you’re right,” he said.
“Good. Now embrace them, and if she says it, you know what to do,” Robert explained.
They knew the risks were there, but they’ve pretended for far too long. They knew what they felt, and if they didn’t’ get these feelings out, they may never have another chance.
I walked over to the room quickly, ignoring the feeling in my gut. I needed to be honest. I couldn’t keep hiding these feelings forevermore. When I got
to the door, I knocked, and soon, I saw both Robert and Caleb there. They were dressed to the nines in gorgeous suits, and when I looked at them, I felt a lingering desire in my body.
“Hello there,” I said.
“Hello to you as well. Come on in,” he said.
I gladly did so, feeling my heart beating fast. When the door was closed, Caleb locked it, which eased my mind slightly. They then turned to me, looking at me directly before speaking.
“So spill. What the hell is going on?” Robert said.
“Yeah, you haven’t been to class, and you sounded weird over the phone,” Caleb added.
It was so obvious what was going on. I knew hiding my feelings would only prove to hurt me. I sighed, knowing the only way out was through it.
“It’s about both of you. I’m honestly terrified to admit this, but I can’t hold back. I know that what I feel is real, especially for the both of you,” I said.
They listened to me, almost understanding on instinct what was going on.
“Just tell us. I swear, we won’t hate you for what you’re about to say,” Caleb said.
I knew they wouldn’t, but I was also scared of rejection.
“Fine, if you say so. It’s just… I like you two. A lot. At first, I thought this was a simple crush, something stupid that would go away after a while. But when I’m around you, I feel happier. I know it’s wrong for a teacher to see a student, but I can’t hold these feelings back any longer. I’ve felt this way for a long ass time, and honestly, if I keep ignoring the feeling in my heart, I’m only going to hurt myself,” I said.
They listened to me, understanding the issue at hand. Finally, Caleb spoke, looking directly into my eyes.
“You serious?” Robert asked.
I nodded, turning red once again. “Yeah. Dead serious. I’ve felt this way for a while. I normally don’t fall for guys. I’ve always been the type who kept my feelings away from my studies, and my overall demeanor. But when I look at both of you, when you’re there to encourage me, when you do all of this, I feel happy. It’s a strange level of happiness that I’ve never experienced before and I want to experience it with both of you,” I said.