by Dalia Wright
She couldn’t bear the thought of those two girls losing another maternal figure in their lives when they already had lost so much. Then there was Trey who was relying steadily on her to look after them while he tried to provide for them as the lone parent.
“I will be fine,” Emma said. “I will come to the bakery in the mornings to help out.”
Mary sighed, but sensed that the conversation was over for the moment.
“Just promise to give it thought,” she said, drinking the last bit of her tea. “I will expect you at the bakery tomorrow morning.”
Emma waited until the front door closed before sinking down into a chair with a shaky breath. What now? The question repeated itself over and over in her mind. What sort of test was this?
More than ever, she needed Gott to give her an answer.
Ch. 7
The following week Emma did her best to hide her conflicted emotions while she helped care for Trey’s children. It still felt incredibly surreal to know that there was a bobli growing inside her. There were random times throughout the day that Emma found her hand resting on the small swell of her belly in a protective and loving gesture.
While her heart was lifted with joy for the blessing, something she and Harley had prayed for months after being married, it still felt heavy with confusion. Every moment that Emma spent in Trey’s company after the two girls had fallen fast asleep, the harder it was on her heart. They shared a connection that not many seemed to understand; and while Trey respected her Amish roots by remaining a gentleman at all times, she could sense the change between them since that day on the front porch.
Something, a small but growing spark, brewed between the two of them now. She felt it intently in the way Trey looked at her from the corner of his eyes sometimes. No matter how many times Emma discussed it with herself, she could never bring herself to explain to him what would happen if they acted upon that attraction. Her heart was heavy with conflicting emotions of wanting to give in, sticking with her faith that had gotten her through Harley’s death, and the shame of feeling this way when she was still in the mourning period.
Eventually, in a year, she would be able to find another mann.
In desperate need of fresh air, Emma parted ways from her maemm’s bakery in the afternoon as promised. While Mary never involved herself in her kinner’s lives, she didn’t hesitate to make it known that she disapproved of Emma’s employment at the Stone household. And luckily, her maemm never asked if there were anything going on, either.
The sound of buggy wheels and horses hooves trotting from behind her caught Emma’s attention. Her heart dropped when she recognized John holding the reins.
“Emma?”
John looked down at her in concern as he pulled up alongside her, slowing his horse down to a steady walk. “Are you okay? Your face is whiter than snow.”
Irritation swept through Emma at being disrupted from her walk.
“I’m fine,” she replied politely as possible. “I’m just heading home for the afternoon.”
“Do you need a ride there?” John asked.
“Nee,” she said, forcing herself to smile. “I’m fine, John. Really. Danka for asking.”
“Can we talk?” John asked then, a bit desperately. “I’ve been wanting to seek you out, but I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to you. Please, it’s important.”
Emma sighed inwardly, resigning herself to climbing up into John’s buggy for a ride home. It did help her aching feet and legs to not walk from the bakery to her haus. Fields of hay passed by them as they trotted onwards in strained silence.
“What is it that you want to talk about?” she asked.
“I spoke your daed,” John said, glancing at her anxiously. “I told him about Harley’s last words to me, and what I think he meant by them.”
A headache pounded in Emma’s temples. She twisted her hands in agitation, and forced herself to keep her gaze focused forward. It all of her strength to not reply, or to speak harshly. The pit of her stomach was starting to twist into dreadful knots.
John seemed oblivious to the storm building inside of her. “I’ve been praying long and hard over it, Emma. I’ve asked Gott several times if this was his plan for me, but your daed seems to agree with me, that in order for me to honor Harley’s words, is to be with you…”
Anger rose sharply in Emma’s throat. While she respected her daed’s wisdom, it did not dull the sting of anger in her.
“John—” she started, but he cut in over her smoothly.
“I know that you are in mourning still,” he continued on quickly, “and I would never replace Harley in your heart, but I think this is what he would want. He would want you to be taken care of.”
What sort of test was Gott putting her through? First, it was Harley passing on to be with Him. Secondly, it was Trey Stone’s sudden appearance in her life. Then thirdly, there was John trying desperately to honor his friend’s dying words.
Emma’s eyes slipped closed as she took a deep breath to control her wavering emotions. More than anything, she wanted some time to pray. To her relief, the buggy stopped in front of the road stretching onto her haus.
“I appreciate you trying to honor Harley’s words,” she said, as kindly as possible, “but I can’t think of things like this right now. It’s only been a few months since he has been gone. I need time to think about everything.”
Especially now that there was a bobli on the way.
Emma slipped out of the buggy before John could reply. She distantly felt a stab of guilt for behaving so rudely towards him, but her heart just ached looking upon John’s face at times, because she wished it was Harley looking at her. It filled her with such shame to think that way, and she needed Gott to help her understand what to do.
She spent the remaining afternoon preparing meals for the Stone kinner. Emma gladly threw herself into the distraction of the two girls helping her tidy up the haus while listening to their innocent banter. It wasn’t until Trey arrived home an hour after the girls had fallen asleep that her previous anxiety rose again.
“There is a plate of food for you on the table,” Emma said, buttoning up her coat hurriedly. “I do not mean to rush out tonight, but I am not feeling too well today.”
Trey barely glanced at the plate of food on the table. His eyes were studying her tight expression, and the way she avoided looking him directly in the eye.
“You’re upset about something,” he remarked.
“It’s nothing,” she said.
“It isn’t nothing,” Trey said, folding his arms across his broad chest. “What is going on? You’ve been acting different all week.”
When Emma still refused to look up at him, he continued on gently, “I’m sorry if you are upset and uncomfortable about what happened last weekend. It was forward of me, and I shouldn’t have done it. I know your commitment to your Amish faith. I would never do anything to compromise it.”
“I know that,” Emma said, softly. She finally summoned the courage to look up at him. “You are a kind a man who loves his children. You have done nothing to upset me.”
“I glad you think so highly of me,” he replied, a bit wryly. “I don’t know what I’m doing with my life right now. I have two children who miss their mom more than anything, and it’s hard balancing all of it. I’m at an utter loss for what to do right now.”
“I know how you feel,” Emma said, and she truly did. Losing Harley had been the most devastating thing she had experienced; her life no longer felt as though it had a specific direction. “I will be praying for you. Eventually, there will be something that will help you find direction.”
A small smile tugged at Trey’s lips at that. The faint bristle of a beard covered his strong jaw. His hair was messy and covered in what appeared to be dirt and wood chips.
“You’re an incredible person of faith. I admire that.”
Emma felt her previous tension from the past week melt away at those words. She smiled back
at him.
“Those are kind words for you to say, but I needed to hear them.”
The chill of the Autumn night took Emma’s breath away as she trotted away from Trey’s haus. Soon, they would harvest all their fields in preparation for winter. It was one of the few times of the year that Emma truly enjoyed the change of the season. There would warm smells of apples and cinnamon along with slow simmering roasts. It was simple little things such as those that Gott gave to them to help ease their hearts.
And Trey had done it tonight without any effort, with just a few simple words, despite her conflicted feelings towards him.
Ch. 8
The Stone haus was in chaos when Emma made her way up the drive way on Monday afternoon. High pitched cries— Chloe’s from what Emma could detect from the barn— filled the afternoon. Trey’s car was parked in its usual spot, but it was unusual to see it there at this time on a weekday.
Emma hurriedly unhitched her mare from the buckles of the buggy, shooing her away to the field with a gentle smack on the behind before heading to the back door. She entered the kitchen to find a mess of bowls scattered on the table along with a grumpy looking Paisley toddling through the kitchen with a box of cereal in her hands. Setting down the pot of Sunday morning stew she had made yesterday for church at the Holtzs’ haus, Emma quickly stepped into Paisley’s path. Upstairs, she could hear the sound of Trey’s voice trying to placate an obviously upset Chloe from the sound of his desperate and calm tone.
“No, no,” Emma chided, gently prying her little fingers from the box to find them sticky. “What’s going on, Paisley? Why is your sister upset, hm?”
“Mama,” Paisley said.
Her sad eyes dropped down to the floorboards, and it filled Emma with a horrible ache. At least, she thought to herself sadly, her own growing bobli wouldn’t grow up missing the other parent who left their life unexpectedly. The bobli would only know Emma, and while that was sad in itself, it was also easier than having to deal with a child’s understandable grief. She only imagined how Chloe and Paisley both felt for losing their maemm, a woman who clearly had showered them with love.
Emma swooped up Paisley into her arms to wash the toddler’s hands free of whatever she had gotten into. She placed Paisley in front of a drawer full of measuring cups to keep her occupied before venturing upstairs to the partially cracked door of Chloe’s room.
“I miss mom,” Chloe sobbed. “I want to go back home. I want mom back.”
“I know, sweetheart,” Trey replied. “We all miss mom, but I told you that mom was in Heaven with the angels. Remember?”
“Why can’t we go see her? I want to go see her.”
She heard Trey let out a heavy sigh. “I wish we could, Chloe. I really do wish that, but it’s not possible.”
“It’s not fair!” Chloe cried out again. “I want mom.”
Emma twisted her hands in uncertainty. She didn’t wish to interrupted an obvious personal moment, but she could hear Trey’s voice faltering with emotion. He was trying to do everything - to be two parents, and cope with his own grief. The only thing that Emma could think to do at that moment was pray for Gott to help them.
“I know, sweetheart. Just stay here in bed for a little bit, okay? I know you’re tired because you barely slept last night.”
The door opened to reveal a ragged looking Trey, his hair messy and face unshaven. Dark circles graced around his eyes when he took in Emma with surprise and also relief.
“I didn’t know you were here,” he said, eyes immediately darting around the hallway. “Where’s Paisley? I told her stay in her room, or out here.”
“I found her eating cereal in the kitchen,” Emma said.
Trey sighed heavily as he rubbed at his face in visible exhaustion. “I’ve lost all control over my kids today. I tell one to stay put, and the other one is having a hard time. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”
“You’re doing everything that you can do.” Emma hesitated for a moment, but continued on, “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but Chloe didn’t sleep well last night?”
“She had a nightmare last night, and I wasn’t able to pacify her until it was nearly dawn. I think that’s what fueled her meltdown at kindergarten earlier. The school called to tell me that they couldn’t calm her down, so I took time off work to pick up the girls.” He let out a pained groan. “I thought it’d be a good idea for us to spend time together since I’ve been running around between my job and this farm, but that was not the brightest idea of mine.”
“You needed to be with your children. That is the best idea.”
Trey looked at her then. His gaze pierced right through her in the dimness of the hallway. The hair on Emma’s arm stood on edge as she felt that little tug of something in the air once again. She turned to start down the stairs at a hasty pace to put some space between them. Not because she worried about Trey, but because she was alarmed at her own feelings.
“I brought dinner,” she called over her shoulder, breezing through the living room to the kitchen. “I can go home if you need some time with your children. There’s plenty of food for all of you.”
“Wait, Emma.”
She paused to look cautiously over her shoulder at Trey.
“Why are you always running away?” he asked, a frown knitting his eyebrows together.
“I’m not,” she replied.
“You are, though. I don’t think you understand— I like having you here with the girls. With me. It’s nice having someone to talk to at the end of the day again.”
Emma’s heart pounded furiously against her ribcage. She had no idea where Trey was planning to take the conversation, but a part of her wanted to see where it would go. The other part cautioned her to leave while she still could.
“Trey—” she started.
“I know. I’m sorry. I just—” Trey ran his hands over his face before burying them into his hair. He peered at her in confusion and distress. “It never feels right to feel something else for someone so soon, but I feel it towards you. I know how complicated it is with your Amish roots. I wouldn’t ever ask for anything from you, but I just can’t help it. I don’t know what it is, and I have an inkling that you feel it too sometimes.”
He had Emma’s feelings nailed as well. For the past few weeks, she had tried to sort them out, but Trey had done it for her.
“I don’t know what I’m saying,” Trey continued on, taking her silence as a negative sign. “I don’t want you to think I’m saying all of this just because I’m lonely, or because I obviously can’t take care of my kids on my own. I just— I just need to know if you feel the same maybe. Nothing has to come out of it. I obviously don’t want to lose you. My girls - they look up to you.”
A swell of emotions rose in Emma, many of them torn and confusing. Allowing herself to follow her attraction to Trey meant losing her entire community and family. The purpose of rumspringa had been to decide if they were ready to be committed to the Amish faith, and to follow the Ordnung. With Harley at her side, it had been an easy decision to join the church and be committed to their faith because they could then marry each other as well. Nothing had sounded better than that a few years ago.
Now, it felt as though her life was being pulled in a different direction— a direction that meant being shunned if she allowed herself to fall for Trey. She couldn’t lose her faith and community with a bobli on the way. Trey also wouldn’t be able to handle another child when he was already struggling to take care of two of his own.
Her heart ached thinking of leaving Chloe and Paisley, but it was the right thing to do.
“I felt it too,” Emma said, softly, “but it’s a mistake for me to feel this way. Years ago, I joined my church because I couldn’t imagine my life without my faith or family. I still can’t imagine my life without it now that my mann is gone.”
Trey swallowed thickly, but nodded his head in understanding. “I get it,” he said. “I wouldn’t ask you for you to leave eith
er because I know how serious it is to join your church.”
“Danka. I should go.”
Tears wetted Emma’s eyelashes as she buttoned up her coat to fend of the bitter chill of the Autumn afternoon. “I can find someone to watch your girls for you. There is an older woman named Sarah who used to teach at the schoolhouse, but she recently has retired the position to someone else. I overheard her the other day looking for a small job to help her mann around the farm.”
“Emma—”
She paused through the back kitchen door.
“Please don’t go,” Trey said, and she jumped at how close he was. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
A strong hand grasped hers. It gave her hand a strong and comforting squeeze, but Emma kept herself from turning around. If she did, there was no telling what would happen with Trey standing so close to her. So close that she could smell freshly chopped wood and sugar. Her eyes slipped closed, only allowing herself to relish in the feeling of Trey’s hand in her own.
“It’s better for both of us,” she said.
Emma let go off Trey’s hand. A small part of her was disappointed when he didn’t reach out to grab her again. The chilly afternoon swallowed her as she quickly hitched her horse back up to the buggy, her fingers fumbling with the buckles.
It was for the best, she told herself while trotting along the road back home. At least, that was what Emma prayed for as she raised her eyes to the deep cerulean sky with tearful eyes.
Ch. 9
It was for the better. It was what Gott intended.
Emma repeated this to herself several times while folding up the letter from her Aunt Ruth. She had written a letter the previous week asking to visit since it had been years since they last saw one another, but the thought of new faces and sights provided a pleasant distraction from the confused mess her emotions were in. When Emma had been a bobli herself, the news of rich land and plenty of space to farm had appealed to her daed at the time. They left behind the rest of their extended family to venture out as Gott intended for them.