by Margaret Way
Jacob swallowed his shock. But perhaps he shouldn’t be so surprised. After all, apart from the gossip his mother gleaned from the social pages, he knew next to nothing about Nell Ruthven. He’d always supposed she was a carefree and idle society wife. One of those ladies who lunched.
But Nell Harrington, the girl he’d loved, had been crazy about poetry, an artistic soul.
‘Your husband must be very proud of you,’ he said cautiously.
Looking more nervous than ever, Nell picked up her mug of tea, then seemed to change her mind and set it down again.
‘How Robert feels about my quilting is irrelevant,’ she said quietly. ‘He’s not my husband any more.’
CHAPTER THREE
‘WE’RE divorced,’ Nell told Jacob in her quietest, most matter-of-fact voice. Even so, she could see his shock.
‘Why—’ He lifted a hand to his neck as if he wanted to loosen his collar, but he wasn’t wearing one. ‘Why didn’t you tell me that yesterday? I asked about your husband.’
With a heavy sigh, she said flatly, ‘You would have wanted to ask more questions. I couldn’t have coped just then.’ Embarrassed now, and tenser than ever, she chewed at her lip.
‘What about now?’ Jacob demanded. ‘Could you cope with questions now?’
Keeping her gaze fixed on the tea tray, she shook her head. ‘Don’t bother with the questions. I’ll tell you. Our marriage didn’t work. It was as simple as that. There was nothing nasty. Robert worked too hard and drank too much, but he never hurt me. We just drifted apart and I’ve been divorced for nearly a year.’
She tried to make light of it, but it wasn’t easy to shrug off. She could hardly admit that after losing Jacob she’d married the wrong man, that too late she’d realised that Robert had simply wanted her as a trophy wife. He’d been happy to be seen with her at all the important functions around Melbourne but, in the privacy of their bedroom, their relationship had never really clicked.
‘Robert had so many legal colleagues, we were able to settle things quite easily,’ she said. ‘It was all very straightforward and extremely civilised. The marriage might not have been a success, but the divorce was a triumph.’
‘What do you mean?’
Lifting her chin, she tried to smile. ‘I mean I’m now in charge of my life. For the first time ever, I’m independent and in control.’
Jacob nodded, but his eyes remained cold.
Embarrassed, she reached for her mug and took a long drink of tea. Her heart thumped and she held the mug with two hands so the tea didn’t spill. Perhaps it was too much to expect Jacob to understand why she’d stayed too long in an empty marriage, that after losing her daughter she’d desperately hoped to avoid another failure.
‘What about you?’ She forced the question. ‘Are you married?’
He shook his head. ‘Never tempted.’
There was a glint in his eyes which she quickly avoided.
‘I’m a well-seasoned bachelor,’ he said.
Was he telling her that he was available? A wave of heat rolled over her. For heaven’s sake. What on earth was the matter with her? Bending forward, she picked up the plate and offered it to him. ‘Biscotti?’
‘Not now, thank you.’ Jacob’s fingers drummed on the upholstered arm of the chair. ‘So you’ve already seen Tegan’s baby?’
‘Yes, he’s a lovely little fellow. He must be about seven weeks by now.’
‘Seven weeks? They’re still pretty small at that age, aren’t they?’
She couldn’t help smiling. ‘Yes, quite small. Why?’
‘Oh, I can’t help being curious about what Jean wants to discuss. It’s obviously something to do with Sam.’
Nell nodded. ‘He must be a handful for Jean, especially when her husband’s so incapacitated.’
‘What’s the matter with her husband?’
‘He had a stroke last April.’
‘Poor man. They are certainly going through a terrible time.’ Jacob’s eyes narrowed as he watched her. ‘So will you be taking any interest in Sam?’
‘What makes you ask that? Of course I’m interested in him. He’s my grandson.’
His eyes were cold. ‘You weren’t interested in his mother.’
He couldn’t have hurt her more if he’d tripped her, sending her flat on her face. ‘How dare you?’
‘It’s the truth, Nell. You gave Tegan up for adoption.’ ‘Not me—’
Jacob steamrolled over her protest. ‘And for nineteen years that poor girl was led to believe that I couldn’t give a damn about her.’
To Nell’s dismay, Jacob leapt to his feet and towered over her.
‘You’ve deprived me of my daughter. Why on earth did you do that, Nell?’
‘You know that’s not fair.’ Her hands fisted so tightly her nails dug into her palms. She wanted to leap to her feet too, but how ridiculous that would be. A sparring match. ‘Have some pity,’ she cried, looking up at him. ‘You don’t know what happened. You don’t know what I’ve been through.’
He stood with his hands clenched at his sides, his jaw jutting at a stubborn angle.
With calm emphasis on each word, Nell said again, ‘You don’t know what happened.’
Jacob’s mouth opened as if he was about to burst out with another angry accusation, but as he stood there, staring at her, she could see that her words were taking hold. The anger in his eyes lessened, confusion returned.
Sinking his hands into the pockets of his jeans, he looked chastened. ‘I’m sorry. I was just letting off steam.’ He returned to the armchair, lifted the mug of tea and stared at it. ‘Can you tell me exactly what happened?’
Nell couldn’t hold back a despairing sigh. ‘I can’t believe you think I could willingly give my daughter away.’
‘Our daughter.’
‘Yes, Jacob. Our daughter.’
He set the mug down. ‘Until Tegan wrote to me, I didn’t even know you’d given birth. Later, when I’d heard you and your husband referred to as childless, I assumed you’d had a miscarriage. Or an abortion. I thought there was even a chance that you’d never been pregnant at all, that you’d been mistaken.’
Nell swallowed. ‘I’m so sorry you never knew.’
‘Believe me, so am I.’ He shifted forward in his chair, eyed her levelly. The muscles in his throat worked. ‘I can’t help feeling cheated.’
‘I know,’ Nell said softly. She’d felt cheated too—cheated out of motherhood. But at least she’d known where Tegan was, that she was safe and happy. ‘I didn’t give Tegan away, Jacob. You must remember what my parents were like.’
He watched her with calculated wariness. ‘I know your father held a gun to my head. I know he forced my mother and me to leave Half Moon without collecting our wages.’
‘And he sent me down here to Melbourne to a private Home for unmarried mothers.’
The hardness fell from Jacob’s face. ‘All the way down here?’
‘Yes.’
‘No wonder I couldn’t find you.’
‘Did you try to find me?’
‘Of course I tried. I was desperate to find you. We’d planned to be married, remember?’
His eyes shimmered and Nell’s heart stumbled.
‘I couldn’t find you either,’ she admitted. ‘I tried, but I wasn’t allowed many phone calls from the Home. I tried again after Tegan was born. I rang everyone I could think of. Someone mentioned that you’d gone interstate, but no one knew where. You and your mother just disappeared into the Outback.’
When he made no comment, she felt compelled to ask, ‘Do you believe me, Jacob?’
He nodded grimly. ‘My story’s much the same. I went to your university. I found people who knew you, but they couldn’t tell me where you were.’
‘I never went back to university.’
A shuddering sigh escaped him. He cleared his throat. ‘So was Tegan born here, in Melbourne?’
‘Yes. I won’t burden you with details, but it was a dif
ficult birth and I was in a bad way afterwards. They kept me heavily sedated.’
Jacob swore softly.
‘When my parents gave me papers to sign, I didn’t understand that I was giving the baby up for adoption.’
‘But that’s criminal.’
Choked by memories, Nell nodded again. She’d relived that day countless times. ‘I thought I was just signing papers for the baby’s birth certificate.’
It hurt to talk about this. A sob burned her throat but she stumbled on, needing to tell him everything. But, more than anything now, she wanted to share with him her precious memories of their daughter.
‘Tegan was gorgeous, Jacob. When she was born, she was so tiny and perfect and cute. She had such a sweet face. Gorgeous dark eyes—a bit unfocused, of course. And her little pink fingers were curling over the edge of her blanket and she had the most perfect miniature fingernails.’
Avoiding the pain in his face, she closed her eyes. Don’t cry. It won’t help anyone if you cry. She drew a deep breath. ‘I didn’t know that was the last time I would see her.’ She drew another breath for courage. ‘They told me they were putting her in some kind of foster care until I was fully recovered.’
‘Nell.’
‘I broke down completely when I realised what I’d signed, but the nurse in charge just whacked me with more sedatives.’
‘How could she?’
‘It was twenty years ago. Anything could happen if someone paid enough money.’
A growl of rage broke from him.
‘Afterwards, Mum and Dad whisked me back to Queensland and no one ever told me that I had thirty days to change my mind about the adoption. As soon as I was strong enough, I left Half Moon, but by the time I got back down here it was too late to reclaim Tegan.’
Hands fisted, Jacob sat very still, staring at her, his eyes dark with raw pain, his throat working overtime.
‘As far as I’m concerned, my daughter was stolen from me,’ Nell said finally. ‘And there hasn’t been a day—not a day—in the past twenty years when I haven’t thought about her, when I haven’t missed her.’
He nodded bleakly and Nell sensed that it was beyond him to speak at that moment. For quite some time he sat very still, his elbows propped on the arms of the chair, his profile showing no expression, his eyes downcast. The room seemed to hum with a thousand unspoken thoughts.
Finally, he asked, ‘Is there any particular reason why you and Robert didn’t have any children?’
His question was so unexpected that Nell blurted out the truth. ‘Robert wasn’t very interested in having a family. And I was happy enough to go along with that. Another pregnancy would have made me relive everything I went through with Tegan. I was trying to forget.’
‘Forget?’
‘Not Tegan. I certainly didn’t want to forget her. But I had to find a way to move on.’ When he didn’t reply, she added, softly, ‘I’ve wondered if you were trying to forget too, if that’s why you’ve worked so hard for all these years.’
His eyes flashed with sudden surprise. ‘How do you know I’ve worked hard?’
She laughed guiltily. ‘I’ve read the occasional article in cattlemen’s magazines.’
‘You know they always exaggerate.’ Jacob looked uncomfortable, glanced at his wristwatch. ‘Hmm … how far is it to the Brownes’ place?’
‘Oh, it will probably take us about twenty minutes.’
‘I suppose we’d better get going, then.’
‘Yes.’ As Nell gathered their tea things and stacked them on the tray, she felt unsettled. They’d spent the whole time talking about her and she hadn’t learned anything about Jacob.
He said, ‘We may as well take my car.’
‘That suits me, thanks. I’ll just pop these things back in the kitchen and get my bag.’
She was rather stunned to discover a huge bouquet of beautiful stargazer lilies on the back seat of Jacob’s car and a brightly coloured, stuffed Humpty Dumpty.
‘No prize for guessing which is for Jean and which is for Sam,’ Jacob said with a sudden grin.
‘That’s very thoughtful, Jacob. I’m afraid I didn’t think to get anything today.’
‘These can be from both of us then.’
It was silly to feel so pleased, but she couldn’t help it when Jacob smiled. ‘The flowers must be from you,’ she said. ‘It will make Jean’s day if she receives a bouquet from a handsome younger man.’
‘Younger?’ Jacob’s eyes gleamed as he shook his head at her. ‘I’m a granddad, you know.’
‘Oh, yes.’ Good heavens, they weren’t flirting, were they? ‘How could I forget?’
He opened the door for her but, before she could get in, his hand curved around the back of her neck and he turned her face towards him and kissed her, very lightly, on the mouth.
‘Just curious to know what it’s like to kiss a granny,’ he murmured.
He rounded the car and slipped into the driver’s seat as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened, but as they drove to the Brownes’ Nell felt light-headed, almost dizzy.
Jean Browne must have been waiting for them because the door opened before they could knock. She looked terribly tired. Her grey hair hung limply and her dress was crumpled and there was a damp patch on her shoulder. Nell wondered if the baby had caused it.
When Jacob offered Jean the bouquet, her pale eyes welled with instant tears. ‘Oh, how lovely.’
‘I didn’t want to come empty-handed,’ he said. ‘You’ve done so much for our daughter.’
Nell knew her heart wasn’t supposed to flip at the way Jacob said ‘our’, as if they were still—had always been—a couple.
‘Thank you so much. They’re beautiful.’ Jean buried her nose in the flowers and for a moment she looked quite girlish. ‘Don’t they smell wonderful? And how clever of you to guess that lilies are my favourite. Bill always buys them on my birthday.’
Her cheeks turned as pink as the lilies as she sent a fond glance back over her shoulder to her husband, who was sitting quietly in an armchair in the far corner. He was older than Jean, thin and balding with a fringe of white hair. His eyes were closed and he seemed to be asleep.
Lowering her voice, she said to Jacob, ‘I didn’t like to mention it yesterday, but Bill had a stroke five months ago. He’s lost the use of his right arm and he still can’t talk very well. He’s a bit wobbly on his pins too, poor love.’
‘That’s very bad luck.’
‘It’s very frustrating for him,’ Jean told them. ‘He’s always been such a wonderful help and now he feels as if he’s a burden.’
‘You must let me know if I can help,’ Nell said.
‘Well, that’s exactly why I need to talk to you, dear. Come on in.’ Jean stepped aside to let them enter. ‘Sam’s having a nap, but come and take a peek at him.’
As they followed Jean through to a back bedroom, Nell remembered the other time she’d seen Sam. She’d been expecting a replica of Tegan, had been on tenterhooks, ready for a mirror image of the baby she’d given up so many years ago.
But Tegan had been tiny and feminine, with a neat cap of soft, dark hair and tidy little features. Sam, by contrast, was chubby-cheeked and blond and his hands were plump and broad, making sturdy fists. He had been wearing a blue striped top like a miniature football jersey and he’d looked unmistakably masculine.
Now, as Nell stood with Jacob looking down at Sam in the old-fashioned, unpainted timber cot, she whispered, ‘He’s a bonny boy, isn’t he?’
Jacob was standing very still, his gaze fixed on the sleeping baby.
Their grandson.
‘He’s very bonny,’ he agreed at last. ‘A real little bruiser.’
His voice sounded choked, but Nell heard unmistakable pride and when she looked up she was shocked to see the sheen of tears in his eyes.
On impulse, she reached for his hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. His answering, shiny-eyed smile was so touching it sent tiny thrills flashing thr
ough her all the way to her toes.
‘Sam looks like a lamb at the moment, but he isn’t always as peaceful as this,’ Jean warned them. ‘There are times when he roars so loudly I swear he’s a lion cub.’
They murmured their sympathy and tiptoed back to the front room. Bill was awake now and they were introduced. He offered them a crooked left-handed smile but, in spite of his stroke, his eyes sparkled with good humour.
Jean dropped a quick kiss on his forehead and gave him an affectionate pat on the arm. ‘Have you had morning tea?’ she asked Nell and Jacob.
They assured her that they had and, as they sat, Jacob chose a spot on the sofa next to Nell.
Bill pointed to a photograph album on the coffee table and Jean picked it up quickly and handed it to them. ‘We thought you’d like to see more photographs of Tegan.’
Nell knew straight away that it was going to be a battle to look at these snapshots of her daughter’s life without getting tearful. Her hand shook as she turned the first page to a picture of the Brownes looking serious and middle-aged and almost frightened of their tiny newborn daughter, wrapped in a crocheted bonnet and lacy shawl.
Aware of Jacob sitting still as a rock beside her, she hardly dared to breathe as she turned more pages. Together they encountered pictures of Tegan as a small baby, as a grinning toddler, a lively little girl with her dark hair pulled into ponytails and predictable pink bows. Then there was Tegan in a striped swimsuit, her face covered in chocolate ice cream, in a school uniform, growing taller and missing teeth, frowning with concentration as she blew out birthday candles.
Nell felt her face begin to crumple.
We were never there for any of it, no part of our daughter’s life.
She closed the book and took a deep breath.
‘Tegan adored all the cards you sent for her birthdays and at Christmas, Nell,’ said Jean.
Nell pressed her hands to her face. Any minute now she would be a mess.
Beside her, Jacob shifted uneasily. ‘You said there was something you needed to discuss.’ He spoke perhaps a little more loudly than he’d meant to.
Jean nodded. ‘I’d like to explain our terrible dilemma.’ She hesitated, as if she was sorting out in her mind what she needed to say. ‘I’m Sam’s guardian, you see. But we never dreamed that a young woman like Tegan could—’ She had to stop and reach for a handkerchief, then dabbed at her eyes and blew her nose. ‘Tegan was doing so well caring for the baby,’ she said as she regained her composure. ‘It never dawned on us that we would lose her and have to take responsibility for raising Sam.’