I woke up later on the floor of the workshop feeling like shit. My cold had returned with a vengeance. That’s what you get for sleeping on cold concrete. I stumbled upstairs to bed and collapsed. When I woke up, the light was dim and I couldn’t figure out if it was dusk or dawn. Stumbling to the kitchen, I drank a gallon of orange juice and ate all the leftovers in my fridge. Then I went back to bed and pulled the covers over my head.
Slipping down into the darkness, I knew what was waiting for me, but I was too exhausted to fight against it.
I blinked and my eyes cleared to show me the sidewalk outside our old house. Jack was about ten years old and riding his bike off a makeshift ramp. I stood and watched him with my heart twisting painfully in my chest. I smelled her perfume before I saw her. Coming up on my left she placed a hand on my shoulder. I resisted the urge to look at her, unable to take my eyes off the Jack that was never to be.
“Joe, baby. This isn’t healthy. What would Dr. Greene say if you told him about us?” I shrugged my shoulders, keeping my eyes on Jack. I knew what would happen if I looked away. It happened every time. No matter how much pain it caused me I couldn’t bear to stop. A few moments of fantasy Jack was better than no Jack at all.
“He would say that letting fantasy be more important than reality would not be living.” The words spilled out against my will. They did that a lot during the dreams. Truths are painful and what are nightmares if I wasn’t punishing myself. Jessica gave a sad little sigh and moved around so that I could see the dusting of freckles on her face and still watch Jack. Tears spilled down from her gentle eyes as she stroked my cheek.
“Baby, it wasn’t your fault. It was mine. I was foolish and because of that I left you alone. And I took Jack with me. I’ll never be able to tell you how sorry I am. But please don’t let this take you away from the people that love you. Find a way past this.”
There was a flash of light and I opened my eyes to the sun blazing through my windows. Rolling over, I felt dehydrated but otherwise fine. After a shower and some water, I went in search of food. I called Molly three times, but got her voicemail each time. I figured she was working, she almost never answered when she was working.
I wish she was here.
The thought came out of nowhere, but it felt absolutely right. Life was just better with Molly around.
Maybe it’s time you told her that.
I went through a drive-thru and then went to the job site. Francis was hanging around talking to Molly who sat with her legs dangling out of the back door of the food truck. I saw Mac and Mason giving me uncomfortable glances from near the front doors of the hotel. I ignored them and went straight to Molly. When she caught sight of my face her expression changed to one of concern.
“You look really pale. Are you all right?” She jumped to her feet. I gave her a smile.
“Yeah. The cold came back and kicked my ass. But I think I’m turning a corner. Do you have a minute to talk?” She stiffened, her eyes shifting nervously away and then she nodded. I took her back to my truck and opened the door for her. When I climbed in, she was fidgeting in the passenger seat. She looked like she was about to start crying.
“Joe, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been snooping around. It was thoughtless of me and I wish I could take it back.” She was talking fast, the way she used to when she got in trouble as a kid and it surprised me. I just sat staring at her in shock. I had absolutely no idea where she as going with her rambling. “The tarp was sitting there and I thought it was something you were making for someone. I should have known better. It had layers of dust—” I raised my hand and set a finger to her lips. She recoiled like I had slapped her. “Please don’t do that.”
I put up my hands in surrender.
Her stricken eyes peeked at me, then away again. “He used to do that.”
I sat back and let that reality settle over me. I took a breath, willing her to look at me.
“I’m sorry. Molly. I didn’t know.”
“It’s okay. How would you?” She smiled easily, but she looked like she might be sick. “Look, I get it. There isn’t any need to drag this out. We’ll call it quits and be done with it.”
She scrambled for the door handle and I reached over to capture her hand.
“Molly. Wait.” She tensed, but her back was to me and I couldn’t see her expression. I released her hand, afraid I might be doing something else to remind her of her ex. She opened the door and climbed out, slamming it without a backward glance.
It seemed like a good ten minutes before I could take a full breath. I picked up my phone and called Graham. There was no way I would be worth a shit at work today.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Graham. Do you have anything for me today? Anything the other guys can’t handle?” He was quiet for a minute before answering.
“No. You okay, son? “
“Yeah Graham. I just have some stuff I need to take care of today.”
“Sure thing. If I need you for anything I will call you. Hey?”
“Yeah?”
“If you need me for anything, anything at all, you call too. Okay?”
I fought to answer him past the lump in my throat. He meant it, too.
“Yeah, man. Thanks.”
I started the truck and drove to my appointment in a daze. I was early so I sat in the truck staring at the empty passenger seat. When I walked into the office the receptionist waved me through. Dr. Greene looked up from some paperwork and motioned to the chair.
“Hey, Joe. Just a minute I need to finish this.” I sat for a few minutes while he shuffled through papers. He set them aside eventually and looked at me. “How are you doing?”
“It’s been a rough day, doc.”
“I can relate. I personally got very little sleep last night.” He was still irritated with me. I understood. I’m a pain in the ass.
“About that, doc, I’m sorry. I won’t call you at home again.”
He shrugged. “We’ll get back to that in a minute. Tell me what is going on.”
“I went through the totes last night.”
“Really? What did you end up doing with everything?”
“I divided the stuff. Most of it is going to my parents or her family. I kept a few things for myself.”
“Such as?” He raised his eyebrows and looked at me expectantly. He hadn’t even touched his pen or picked up his notebook. I told him and he nodded. “So where are you at today?”
“I was doing okay with the totes and the furniture but then Molly threw me another curveball.” He didn’t ask me anything, just raised his eyebrows questioningly. “We broke up…well…she broke up with me. You were right, I guess. I wasn’t ready or at least she doesn’t seem to think so. I should have listened to you. I think if you and I work together I can…”
“Let me stop you right there, Joe. Do you know what this is?” He waved the pile of papers he’d been working on when I came in. I was so surprised at him interrupting me I just shook my head. “This is your summary release from counselling. It is my official recommendation that you be released of required attendance. Do you understand what I am saying?”
“You don’t want me to come anymore?”
“No, Joe. I want you to keep coming. I want to help you. You’re no longer required to come. But I have to say sometimes it seems like you’re becoming a therapy wimp.”
“Excuse me?”
“You’re becoming too dependent on this. You can’t live your life through therapy. Sure, I can help you work out issues that are holding you back. Yes, I can help you deal with emotional and psychological trauma. But you can’t live your life in this room. Once you ring a bell, you have to deal with the consequences.”
“What are you talking about? What bell?”
“Joe. You cannot possibly be this dense. Everything we have accomplished…all of the progress that we made came from you interacting with Molly. Now you come into my office and tell me that you two broke up, that you are ready
to do whatever I say to deal with your issues. Guess what? You’ve dealt with your issues. Are they gone? No. Are you fixed? No. None of us are ever going to be fixed. Life is a messy, painful, unfair shit hole on a good day. On a bad day, it can be downright unlivable. But we have to deal with the situations in our life. To find a way to live everyday no matter what life throws at us. And you, Joe, are not dealing with what life is throwing at you.”
“Okay. Then tell me what I need to do!”
“You need to grow a pair, damn it!” I had never heard him so frustrated. He sounded a lot more like Mac than himself at that moment. “You suffered a horrible trauma. But you lived through it. Then you found someone new. This woman brought you out of your shell and helped you want to live your life again.”
Looking across the desk I felt the overwhelming urge to reach over and choke the living shit out of him. It felt incredibly unfair to have him throw Molly in my face at a time like this.
“I met her, you know.” He returned to his normal calm so quickly I wondered if I hallucinated the entire outburst. He picked up his pen and for all I know, he was doodling in his journal.
“What? Who?”
“Molly. I stopped by Wrapgasmic under your advisement. Great food. Great girl. She’s very charming. Are you telling me you are just going to let her walk out of your life?”
Jess’s voice drifted through my head. …please don’t let this take you away from the people that love you. Find a way past this. My rage ran itself out in the face of that voice. Instead, I found myself laughing. Dr. Greene looked a little alarmed.
“You’re right, doc. I hate to admit it, but you’re right. I can’t depend on you to live my life. But I’m glad as hell you helped me realize that I actually had one.” Dr. Greene rose and stepped around the desk. Sticking out his hand, he shook with me.
“If you ever need to talk, Joe you know where I am. I’d like to keep our weekly appointments, but that’s entirely up to you. But now you need to get back out there and start living.” I turned and walked out of his office feeling a lot lighter than I had when I went in. Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I sat in my truck and dialed Molly’s number. It rang several times and then went to voicemail.
“Molly? It’s Joe. I’m not sure if you’ll listen to this or just delete it, but here goes. I love you.” It fell out of my mouth and I stopped mid thought.
Shit? Did I just say that? On a fucking voicemail? Classy, Joe.
I couldn’t speak for what seemed like minutes. Frustrated and embarrassed, I finally lumbered on with what I’d intended to say. “I’m not ready to leave things the way they are. We need to talk and this time you need to simmer down and listen to what I have to say.”
I stopped and took a calming breath. When I spoke again, I tried to keep the desperation out of my voice. “Please…when you’re ready, just call me, okay?”
I hung up and drove back to my house. I spent the rest of the day with my phone plugged into the wall so that I wouldn’t have a dead battery if she tried to call. The sun dropped low in the sky and still no word from her. I flipped on the TV to take my mind off the cell phone.
The weatherman came on and he said there was a frost warning overnight. It was already windy out when I’d driven home, but according to this guy it was going to be damn chilly out. I hated the cold, and was glad we weren’t working overnights at the site. The moment the thought crossed my mind, I stood up and grabbed my phone and keys.
Francis.
When I got to the job site I searched around and couldn’t find him anywhere. It looked like the landscapers had finally dismantled his campsite in the inner courtyard, and a sense of dread overcame me. I drove around the surrounding area and finally spotted him under a walking bridge. He was sitting on the concrete with his back to a wall.
I approached him and held my hand out to help him up. He flinched away before he recognized me. Then he stared up at me in shock before taking my hand. I pulled him swiftly to his feet.
“Hey there, Francis. You and I need to have a chat.”
I HAD TO leave the jobsite before the lunch service began. I chopped for twenty minute before I could no longer contain my tears, and having to stop, blow my nose, and wash my hands every five minutes became ridiculous.
“Get out of here, Molly. We got this.” Sanchez took me by complete surprise as he climbed on the truck. He was scheduled to work the night shift, and had no reason to be at truck #1. When I turned to Stacy, she looked nervous, so I knew she called him in.
I took off my apron, unable to speak. Dirty S, reached out and placed his giant hand on my shoulder.
“Do you want me to beat him down?” His stone cold expression actually made me shudder.
“No. It’s not his fault.” I sniffed with a curt headshake. “I’m gonna go. Thanks, Sanch. I owe you.”
“Just work tomorrow morning at truck two for me and we’re square.” He replied and I nodded.
I drove home wishing I could take back my actions in Joe’s shop. All I wanted to do was help him, not hurt him. I’d been selfish to think for a second I’d be good for him. My entire life I’d been tromping around like a bull in a china shop making a mess out of things.
Now I’d come back to Austin, wrecked things with my brothers for good, and driven a wedge between them and one of their oldest friends, all because I selfishly wanted to indulge my teenage fantasy. I needed to blow town. I was all about karma, and knew it was only a matter of time before it kicked my ass for this debacle.
I pulled up to my apartment just as Dan was hoisting his suitcase into his trunk. He seemed taken aback by my unexpected appearance.
“Came to see me off, huh?”
“Yeah…then I’m crawling back into bed. When you get to the island, ask your brother if he still needs a chef. I think I need a new scene.”
“Molly, as much as I would love to have you as a roomie, I think it’s time for a little tough love. Your M.O. is to fight, not cut and run. After someone like Draven, I get the impulse, I really do. But you can’t just run from this. Do you love Joe?”
I folded my arms and tried to focus through my blurred vision. “Yes.”
“Have you told him?”
“I don’t have to. He knows.” I deadpanned.
“Then put up your dukes and fight, Molly. You tried so hard with that asshole that wasn’t worth a toss. From everything you’ve told me, Joe’s the one. Isn’t he worth fighting for?”
“I’m just tired, Dan. It’s hard to get Draven out of my head when he won’t go away and Joe needs to recover without some clinging little idiot hovering around. I can’t help him. Dan slammed the trunk shut harder than necessary causing me to flinch.
“Because having a loving woman in your life is so ten minutes ago.”
“Do you not remember what this did to me? I had to do the STD walk of shame to the clinic. Not to mention feeling afraid all the time. It’s just a little hard to be Joe’s rebound girl when I still feel so worthless. It doesn’t exactly help that I’ve always been this pathetic fucking puppy dog trailing after him. He deserves better. He needs someone with their shit together. And I have to look out for me ‘cause no one else will.”
“Are you blind? It seems to me like half of Austin is trying to look out for you. Molly, the only thing stopping you from going over to that boy’s house right now is you.”
Chastised, I looked away and my eyes slowly crept back to him. Dan’s advice had always been solid, and had I listened to him ages ago, I’d have been in far better circumstances.
“Give Joe the benefit of the doubt, Molly. He deserves it, doesn’t he? Quit acting like you aren’t a catch, sweetie. It’s not becoming. And give yourself room to mess up. There’s no instruction guide for how to handle someone who’s been through what Joe has. You’ll just have to take it one day at a time.” He glanced at his watch and rolled his eyes. “I gotta go, sugar. Please think this through?”
I nodded and hugged him goodbye. As I climbe
d the stairs to my apartment, my phone vibrated. I yanked it out of my pocket, hoping it was Joe. At that moment I just really needed to hear his voice. Sadly, it was Draven instead. I turned the phone completely off without reading the message and made up my mind to change my number the following day. At that precise moment, I just wanted a hot bath and to sleep.
The next morning I was scheduled to do penance on SoCo with two newbies to make up for Dirty S saving my ass the day before. Fortunately since it was December 23rd, damp, and chilly, we were pretty slow. I’d used my alarm clock the night before, so it was nine thirty when I finally remembered to turn my cell phone back on and saw a missed call from Joe. My heart clenched when I listened to Joe’s message. The familiar cadence of his deep voice comforted me like a plush blanket. I wanted to gasp when he said he loved me, but there was already no breath in my lungs. I immediately played the message a second time. I melted at the catch in his voice when he said he wasn’t ready to leave things. Though a lot had changed about him over the years, Joe had always been honest to a fault. He never said things he didn’t mean. Beaming, I went to dial his number when I saw Draven’s missed text.
Meet me for lunch tomorrow?
My already pounding heart rate tripled as I scrambled to text him. I hated to see the response, but I had to know.
Where are you?
I set the phone aside and tried to get back to work but it beeped almost immediately. I picked it back up with a growing sense of dread.
I had some business in Austin and figured I might as well bring you your proceeds from our house sale.
My hammering heart leapt into my throat and I felt myself teetering on the edge of a full blown panic attack. Of all the days to be working with the newbies. I wished I had Sanchez here, or at least Stacy, who was no nonsense and would call 911 at the first sign of trouble. I tried to calm myself down, but it was a futile exercise. Picking up my phone I tried to keep the next text neutral.
Good Wood (Carved Hearts) Page 24