Chapter 14
Victoria still felt shattered over the disappointment with Jack Bailey when she left for L.A. for Thanksgiving. It was good to see Gracie, and share the holiday with her family, but she was feeling terrible about herself. Gracie could see it, and was sad for her. She could tell how upset she was by what she was eating. All her parents noticed was that she had gained weight, and Victoria went back to New York on Saturday. She couldn’t take it any longer.
She called Dr. Watson on Monday morning after Thanksgiving and went in to see her. They had been talking about Jack for the past several weeks. No matter how Victoria turned it around, she still felt somehow to blame, and that if she were truly lovable and worthy of being loved, Jack would have behaved differently.
“It’s not about who you are,” her psychiatrist said kindly, again, “it’s about who he is. His lack of integrity, his dishonesty. This wasn’t your failure, it was his.” Victoria knew it intellectually, but she couldn’t get it emotionally. For her, it always went back to whether she was lovable or not. And if her parents hadn’t loved her, who would? And the same principles applied to them. Their failure to love her as she was spoke volumes about who they were, but it still made her feel terrible about herself. And she tried to fill the void with gallons of ice cream when she went home to L.A. over Christmas. She was still depressed and couldn’t seem to turn it around. Her parents knew nothing about the relationship with Jack.
She had never shared it with them, and she knew that if she had, they would only have found a way to blame her when it failed. Of course he couldn’t love her if she was too fat, and the other woman in his life was probably thin. And in some part of her psyche, Victoria believed that too. She had never had the courage to ask John what the other woman looked like. She believed her parents’ subliminal and overt messages. Men only loved girls who looked like Gracie. And no man wanted an intelligent woman. She didn’t look like Gracie, and she was a bright girl. So who would want her? She was still seriously depressed when she went back to New York on New Year’s Eve. She spent midnight on the plane and when the captain announced Happy New Year at midnight, Victoria pulled a blanket over her head and cried.
It had been agony seeing Jack at school between Thanksgiving and Christmas. She never ate lunch in the teachers’ lounge anymore. She stayed in her classroom, or went for walks outside, along the East River. It was a serious reminder of why it wasn’t smart to get romantically involved with someone at work. Picking up the pieces later was a mess. And there were whispers among teachers and students that they had been dating and she had gotten dumped. It was humiliating beyond belief. Victoria did all she could to disappear, although it was Jack who should have been ashamed. And she heard just before Christmas that he was dating the French teacher who had been chasing him since the first day of school. She felt sorry for her, since she assumed he was still seeing the woman at John’s school, and not being any more honest with the French teacher than he had been with her. Or maybe the French teacher was smarter and knew the right questions to ask, like “Are we exclusive?” Or maybe he would have lied. In any case, it wasn’t Victoria’s problem anymore. Jack Bailey was no longer in her life. It was a dream that had almost happened, and had fallen apart before it did. More than anything, for Victoria, it was a loss of hope. Helen and Carla tried to comfort her as gently as they could, but she avoided them too. She didn’t want to discuss it with anyone, in school or out. She didn’t talk to John and Harlan about it either now. It was done. But they could see how badly it had impacted her.
She was grateful for the distraction when she went on a college tour with Gracie in January, over a long weekend. They went to visit three schools in the East, but Gracie was determined to stay on the West Coast. She was a California girl, but they both enjoyed the trip anyway. It was a wonderful chance to be together. And Gracie didn’t say anything when Victoria ate a huge steak and baked potato with sour cream, followed by a hot fudge sundae for dessert when they went out to dinner. She knew how sad she was over Jack. And Victoria was well aware herself that even her baggiest pants had gotten tight since Thanksgiving. She knew she had to do something about it, but she wasn’t ready to yet. She wasn’t ready to give up what her shrink called “the bottle under the bed,” which in her case was fattening foods. In the long run, the result of eating them only made her feel worse, like an alcoholic, but they offered comfort for a minute.
One of the highlights of Gracie’s visit to her sister was spending a day with Victoria at school. She sat in on her classes, and she had fun talking to the other students. And it gave her students further insight into Victoria to meet her younger sister. Gracie was a big hit in the classroom, spoke up easily, and was the instant focus of all the boys, who wanted her e-mail, and to know if she was on Facebook, which she was. She handed her e-mail address out like candy, and they grabbed it. Victoria was relieved that Gracie left before she turned her classes upside down. She was more beautiful than ever at nearly eighteen, which suddenly made Victoria feel old as well as huge. It depressed her to think that she would be turning twenty-five in a few months. A quarter of a century. And what did she have to show for it? All she could focus on was that she had no man in her life and was still battling her weight. She had a job and a sister she loved and nothing else. She had no boyfriend, and had never had a serious one, and her social life consisted of Harlan and John. It didn’t seem like enough at her age. And Dr. Watson broadsided her the next time they met, when Victoria told her about the college tour she’d taken with Gracie and how much fun it was for her.
“I want to raise a question for you to think about,” her psychiatrist said quietly. Victoria had come to rely on her in the past year and a half and value what she said. “Do you think it’s possible that you keep the weight on so you don’t have to compete with your beautiful younger sister? You take yourself out of the running, by hiding behind your own body. Maybe you’re afraid that if you lost the weight, you still couldn’t compete, or don’t want to.”
Victoria brushed off what she said and summarily dismissed it. “I don’t have to compete, nor should I, with a seventeen-year-old girl. She’s a kid. I’m an adult.”
“You’re both women, in a family where your parents pitted you against each other, and told you that you weren’t good enough, and she was, from the day she was born. That’s a heavy weight for both of you, and more so for you. So you withdrew from the competition.” It was an interesting point that Victoria didn’t want to hear.
“I was big before she was born,” Victoria insisted.
“Big compared to your sister. Don’t confuse the issue. But being overweight is different.” The psychiatrist was suggesting that it was a protective covering she wore, a camouflage suit that kept people from seeing her as a woman, even though she was a pretty girl. But not as beautiful as Gracie. So she checked out of the competition and disappeared into a body that made her invisible to most young men, except ultimately the right one. But her psychiatrist hoped that she would take the weight off before that, only because it made her unhappy.
“Are you saying I don’t love my sister?” Victoria asked, looking angry for a moment.
“No,” her doctor said quietly, “I’m saying you don’t love yourself.” Victoria fell silent for a long moment, as tears ran freely down her cheeks. She had learned long since what the tissue box was for and why people used it as often as they did.
In the spring of Victoria’s second year at Madison, they offered her a permanent job in the English department. And she was relieved to hear that Jack Bailey’s contract wasn’t being renewed. The rumor was that he’d been told “it wasn’t a good fit.” But his heated affair with the French teacher had turned ugly, and they’d been seen fighting in the halls, and the passionate Parisian had hit him right in school. And after that, Jack had gotten involved with one of the students’ mothers, which was a well-known taboo in the school. Victoria was relieved that he was leaving. It was painful every time she ran
into him in the halls, and a reminder to her that somehow she had been inadequate and not enough for him to love her, and he had been dishonest and a jerk.
She was thrilled to have the job for good and not have to worry about it every year. Now she had a home at Madison and could settle in with a sense of security about her work. Helen and Carla had been thrilled when she told them and took her out for lunch. And she celebrated the news that night with Harlan and John. Bill had moved out by then, to live with Julie, and John had taken over his old room and was using it as an office, and they were sharing Harlan’s room. John was a good addition to the group and Bunny liked him too. She was spending more and more time in Boston, and Victoria had a feeling she’d be moving soon too, and possibly getting married. As single people, it was a fluid community, but she, John, and Harlan weren’t going anywhere. She didn’t even bother to call her parents about the job, although she told Gracie, who was two months away from graduation and was ecstatic over being accepted at USC. And she was planning to live in the dorms. Their parents would have an empty nest at last. They weren’t happy about it, but she was adamant, and their parents always gave in to her. It struck Victoria that they were more upset about Gracie moving to the dorms than about her own move three thousand miles away. Whatever happened, Gracie was always the apple of her father’s eye and his baby, and Victoria was their tester cake. They hadn’t thrown her away, but they might as well. Their lack of affection and approval for her had done just as much damage. And for Victoria, it was the reality of her relationship with them.
Chapter 15
Gracie’s graduation was a gala celebration. Whereas Victoria’s graduation, even from college, had been dealt with quietly, their parents allowed Gracie to invite a hundred kids to a barbecue in the backyard, with her father at the grill, making chicken, steaks, burgers, and hot dogs. And there was catering staff in T-shirts and jeans. The kids had a ball. Victoria flew out for the party and the graduation the next day. Gracie looked adorable in her cap and gown. And their father actually cried when she got her diploma. Victoria couldn’t remember his ever doing that for her, probably because he hadn’t. And their mother was undone. It was an extremely emotional event. And the two sisters embraced afterward and cried too.
“I can’t stand it!” Victoria laughed through her tears as she hugged her. “My baby has grown up! How dare you go to college! I hate this!”
She wished too that Gracie had tried harder to get into a school in New York, instead of staying in L.A. She would have loved to have her closer, so she had family in New York. But she would also have liked to see her little sister get away from their parents’ stifling influence. They hovered over her, and her father was a powerful force in her life, and tried to form her every opinion. Victoria had never been able to tolerate it, but Gracie bought into a lot of it, their lifestyle, their opinions, their politics, their philosophies about life. There was much she agreed with and even admired about them. But Gracie had had a very different set of parents than Victoria did. Gracie had parents who worshipped and adored her, and supported her every move and decision. That was heady stuff. And she had no reason to rebel against them, or even separate from them. She did everything their father thought she should. He was her idol. And Victoria had had parents who ignored her, ridiculed her, and never approved of a single move she made. Victoria had had good reason to move far away. And Gracie had just as many compelling reasons to stay close to home. It was incredible to realize how different their experiences and lives had been with the same parents. It was like night and day, positive and negative. Sometimes Victoria had to remind herself of how much easier Grace’s life had been, and how much kinder they had been to her, to explain to herself why Gracie didn’t want to separate from them. It had been a big decision for Gracie to live in the dorm rather than stay at home. That felt like a major move to her, although it seemed like a tiny one to her older sister and not big enough. Victoria still believed that they were toxic people, and her father a narcissist, and she would have liked to see her sister get more breathing space from their parents, but she didn’t want it. In fact, Gracie would have fought to stay close to them.
Victoria’s graduation gift to her was a big one. She was careful with her money, and saved whatever she could. She wasn’t extravagant despite living in New York. And she offered to take Gracie to Europe as a graduation present. They had gone with their parents when they were much younger, but their parents hadn’t been interested in traveling in years. So Victoria was taking Grace to Paris, London, and Venice in June, and Rome if they had time. Grace was so excited she couldn’t stand it, and so was Victoria. They were planning to be gone for three weeks, with four or five days in each city. With Victoria’s new job at Madison, she had gotten a raise that allowed her not to work this summer. After going to Europe with Gracie in June, she was planning a trip to Maine with Harlan and John in August.
Gracie had a million plans of her own before she started college in late August. Victoria realized, as Gracie did, that now things were going to change for all of them. She had grown up, Victoria lived far away. Their parents had a chance to be more independent and do things on their own. They would all get together for holidays, but in between they all had their own lives to lead. Except for Victoria, who had a job, but not a life. She was still trying to carve one out for herself. At twenty-five, she still felt as though she had a long way to go. She wondered sometimes if she’d ever get there, and had started referring to herself jokingly as Gracie’s spinster sister. It felt at times as though that was going to be her lot in life.
Gracie, on the other hand, had a dozen boys chasing after her at all times, some of whom she liked, some of whom she didn’t, and one or two of whom she was always crazy about and couldn’t decide between the two. Finding boys had never been her problem. And Victoria was proving her parents right at every turn. She wasn’t pretty enough to find a man, according to her father, and much too fat to attract one. And according to her mother, she was too intelligent to keep one. Either way, she had no one.
They left for Paris the day after school closed for Victoria in New York. Gracie flew to New York with two suitcases filled with summer clothes, and the girls left for the airport early the next morning. Victoria had one suitcase, and she checked their luggage in at the airport, while Gracie talked to her friends on her cell phone. Victoria felt a little like a tour guide on a high school trip, but she was really looking forward to traveling with her sister. They boarded the plane in high spirits, and Gracie was still texting frantically when the flight attendant told her to turn off her phone. Victoria was holding on to their passports. Sometimes she felt more like Gracie’s mother than her sister.
They talked, ate, slept, and watched two movies on the six-hour flight to Paris. It was over before they knew it, as they landed at Charles de Gaulle airport at ten o’clock at night. It was four in the afternoon for them, and they had slept on the plane, so neither of them was tired, and they were excited to look around as they drove into the city in a cab. Victoria was using a chunk of her savings to pay for the trip, and their father had sent her a nice check to help her, which she was grateful for.
At Victoria’s request in broken French, the cabdriver drove them through the Place Vendôme, past the Hotel Ritz, into the excitement and beauty of the Place de la Concorde, with all the lights on the fountains, and then they drove up the Champs-Élysées toward the Arc de Triomphe. They turned onto the broad avenue just as the Eiffel Tower exploded in sparkling lights, which it did for ten minutes on the hour. They were both on sensory overload from the beauty of it all, as Gracie looked around in awe. And there was an enormous French flag fluttering in the breeze below the Arc.
“Omigod,” Gracie said, looking at her sister, “I’m never going home.” Victoria smiled, and they held hands as the driver spun them through the free-form traffic around the Arc de Triomphe, and they headed back down the Champs-Élysées again, toward the Seine, saw the view of the Invalides, which hous
ed Napoleon’s tomb, and sped across the Pont Alexandre III, onto the Left Bank. They were staying at a tiny hotel Victoria had heard about, on the rue Jacob. They were planning to travel as inexpensively as possible, stay in small hotels, eat in bistros, and go to galleries and museums. They were on a tight budget for a trip both girls knew they would remember all their lives. It was an incredible gift from Victoria to her sister.
They had onion soup that night at a tiny bistro around the corner from their hotel. After dinner they walked around the Left Bank, and then came back to their hotel and went upstairs and talked until they fell asleep. Gracie had been getting text messages from her friends at home from the moment she turned her phone on at the airport, and they continued long into the night.
The two girls had croissants and café au lait in the lobby of the hotel the next morning, and then they set out on foot to go to the Rodin Museum on the rue de Varenne, and from there to the Boulevard Saint-Germain, bustling with activity, where they had coffee at the venerable old artists’ restaurant, Aux Deux Magots. And after that they went to the Louvre and spent the afternoon there seeing famous treasures.
Gracie wanted to see the Picasso Museum, which they did the next day. They had dinner in the Place des Vosges, which was one of the oldest sections of the city, in the Marais. And after that they rode on a Bateau Mouche, all lit up on the Seine.
They saw an exhibit at the Grand Palais, walked in the Bois de Boulogne, visited the lobby of the Hotel Ritz, and walked down the rue de la Paix. They both felt as though they had walked all over Paris in the five days they were there. They had seen everything they wanted to by the time they left for London, and they were just as energetic there. They went to the Tate Gallery, the Victoria and Albert Museum, and Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum in the first two days. They saw the crown jewels in the Tower of London, the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace, visited the stables and went to Westminster Abbey, and walked down the grandeur of New Bond Street, looking into all the expensive shops they couldn’t afford. Victoria had treated herself to an expensive handbag at Printemps in Paris, and Gracie went wild with T-shirts and funny jeans in the King’s Road in London, but they had both been very well behaved, and spent their money wisely. At night they had dinner in small restaurants, and they stopped at sandwich shops in the daytime. They managed to do and see everything, and their parents checked on their progress daily, mostly, Victoria knew, because Gracie was with her, and they said they missed her.
Big Girl: A Novel Page 17