I came back a month later. There was a day I thought I saw you. A gang of kids were running up the sidewalk and laughing. I called out but they never heard. I ran after them but as I turned the corner they were gone. I began to believe I had imagined it. I began to see you on every street corner and knew it was my mind playing tricks, or so I thought. Now, I’m not so sure. Maybe I did see you, maybe it was you running along the sidewalk and my heart breaks more knowing I might have been so close to finding you.
I don’t know how to say how sorry I am, I don’t know that you’ll ever forgive me. When you saw me that day, I wasn’t out enjoying myself, as such. I don’t live in the US anymore, Travis. I moved back home. Dad died, we don’t know how, he was found dead in a ditch. That was the first day I had smiled in a long time. It sounds so callous, but I needed to leave right then. I wanted to build a new life and get away from mum — she didn’t need me anymore. I return though, once or twice a year I come to NY, and always to DC, in the hope I might bump into you. In my heart I knew you had survived, I always felt you. I never believed I would see you in NY again.
If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, please call.
Your ever loving sister, Aileen.
Attached to the letter was a card with her overseas address and a cell number. I was torn. Was she the woman I thought I had seen on occasions? I had a vague memory of seeing a redhead, and I remembered one time it wasn’t her, but there were other times I thought I had seen her from afar. How different would my life have been had I not given up hope and approached her?
I made the call. I could hear the long distance ring, and a sleepy voice answered. I hadn’t thought to check the time difference. Once I announced who I was, there was a pause and then a sob.
“Aileen, I can’t talk for long right now. I will call back another time, but something has happened and I need your help. Padriac may be in DC, and I need to know if that’s true. Who would know, Aileen?” I said.
“Travis, I’m just so glad you called. Did you read my letter?” she said.
“I did, but like I say, right now I need to track Padriac down. You owe it to me to help.”
I was trying not to sound harsh, but I was rushed for time . My oldest brother had left that note on my windscreen and I wanted to get to him before he made his next move. In fact, I was looking forward to it.
“Dan or Carrig might know, let me get their numbers for you.”
I heard a rustle, perhaps she had climbed out of bed, and then she came back on the line and gave a contact number for both.
“Please let me know what’s happening, Trav,” she said.
“I will, when I know myself. I’ll call you again Aileen, I don’t know when, but I will.”
With that, we said our goodbyes. I looked at the piece of paper in my hand, wondering who I should call. Who would be the most surprised to hear from me? I was unsure if I wanted to speak to Carrig, so I opted for Dan.
“Dan, you might remember me. It’s Travis, Aileen gave me your number,” I said once he answered.
For a moment, he was silent.
“Travis?”
“Yes, Travis. This isn’t a social call, Dan. I just want some information, and for some reason Aileen thought you might be able to give it to me.”
He cleared his throat. “Okay, what do you need?”
“I need to know if my brother, Padriac, is in DC.”
“I can probably find out. You’re still in DC then?”
“Never left, lived on the streets for years after you fucked off, but I don’t have time to reminisce with you.” I was aware of how harsh my voice sounded.
“We came for you, Trav, I swear. I got locked up for a few days but Aileen did try to find you.”
“Not hard enough. Now, Padriac is in town and I need to find him quickly. You get back to me as soon as you can.”
“Carrig might know, he’s looking for him too.”
“How would you know that?”
“He…, you might want to speak to him, Trav.”
“He what, Dan?”
“I don’t know for sure, but I think he killed your father. He’s not the person you knew, he went to jail for a long while and now he’s out.”
“What did he go to jail for?”
“Fraud, embezzlement, you name it. He called it fund raising…, he works for the Irish, Trav.”
“The Irish?” As much as I only wanted the briefest of conversation with Dan, I settled back in my chair to listen.
“The Real IRA,” he replied.
“Fuck.”
“Why do you think your sister is in Ireland? She supports them too, it’s how she got to leave. She was given money in return for her assistance.”
“Well, I’d like to say it’s been fun chatting but…, just get me that information as quick as you can.”
I finished the call, and as I did a memory surfaced. I picked up the letter from Aileen.
‘Dad died, we don’t know how, he was found dead in a ditch….’
I wracked my brain for the right words. Carrig had told me he would kill my father, his body would be found in a ditch one day. Had he done that? I looked at the piece of paper on my desk. Carrig’s cell number stared straight back at me.
It was a couple of hours later that I received a text. I wasn’t surprised to receive the text, I doubted Dan was in a hurry for a second conversation, and neither was I. Padriac had indeed made the trip to DC; he had been picked up by the cops for being drunk. How Dan would know that interested me, so I made a note to do a little investigating. If Dan could get that kind of information he could prove to be useful in the future. I deliberated; we had contacts in the local police but I wanted no association with Padriac, nothing to connect me with him - what I had in mind for my dear brother meant I had to stay as far away from anyone connecting us as possible.
****
Robert and I drove home, and it was clear that he thought something was up. I was quiet, but he didn’t press for information. Being pushed to reveal what was on his mind was something he hated, so he never did the same to others. He knew I would tell him when I was ready. Instead of heading into the house with him, I made my way to my apartment. I needed just a little time alone to decide what I was going to do. I would tell Robert, I had to. It was possible he would get caught up in my past. I took Padriac’s note from my pocket and read it again.
Guess who, brother? I see you’ve done well for yourself and it’s only fair you take care of your family. You fucked off and left us to deal with the shit that was our dad. I bet you don’t care but he beat the shit out of mum and then Aileen. Broke mum’s heart, you did. He wouldn’t let her come find you and we all paid the price. So, it’s only fair you pay now. I know where you are, who you are. Think you’re some big shot, huh? Well, brother, time to face the past. I’ll be in touch.
Padriac
I chuckled a little at the thought that Padriac had been left to deal with the shit. Aileen had said in her letter that he had disappeared shortly after so I knew Pad hadn’t dealt with anything. His threat didn’t bother me as such, I certainly wasn’t afraid of him. What bothered me was the statement that he knew who I was. If that was true then he knew of Robert as well. I made my way over to the house; it was time to talk to Robert.
I found him sitting on the sofa with a glass of wine in his hand. I grabbed a beer before I joined him.
“You okay?” he asked. He knew me well enough he could practically read my mind.
“Rob, I have a problem, a big problem,” I said.
“What’s wrong?”
I reached inside my jacket pocket, pulled out the note and handed it to him. As he read I slumped forwards a little, resting my chin on my hands, my elbows on my knees.
“Trav, when and how did you get this?” he asked once he had finished reading.
“It was on the car windscreen, at the office.”
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”
“I wanted to check
it was legit first.”
“We need to know what he knows. It might be that we do nothing until he gets in touch again, but you need to tell me about your family so we can prepare. We need the guys in on this as well.”
I then told him about the conversation with both Aileen and Dan, including the information that my brother was involved with the Real IRA.
That was the part I had dreaded the most. In all our years together I knew far more about his past than he knew about mine. He knew there was more to the story of why I ran away from home, I was sure. But now it was time to tell him the truth. While I grabbed another beer, he called Mack.
I’d already told him about my dad being a drunk, of Padriac and Carrig and the beatings they dished out on a regular basis and how I had stabbed Pad. So I told him about my mom, the many times she had just watched and not intervened, and how I felt nothing for her. There was a pause; Robert must have thought I had finished my story.
“Okay, let me scan this so we have a copy,” he said as he made his way to the home office.
When he returned, I continued. “Rob, there’s something else. Padriac didn’t just beat Aileen and me.”
He looked at me and waited for me to continue. I swallowed hard.
“Do you remember when we paid your Father Peters a visit? I wanted to deal with Cara’s dad for a reason. I never got to pay Padriac back for what he did to Aileen and me.”
I hadn’t looked at Robert while I spoke, I didn’t want to see shock or disgust on his face. My brother had abused both Aileen and I, her far more I imagined. I felt no shame for myself; neither did I feel embarrassed as such. I had a lot of anger inside, but what I didn’t want was pity. I never wanted to see pity in his eyes. If I saw that he felt sorry for me, I think that would have finished me.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked quietly.
“I don’t want it to go any further than us. Maybe, one day, I’ll talk about it, but not now.”
Robert rose to grab some more beers, and as he did a pair of headlights swept across the room. Mack had arrived. The front door opened and closed and he joined us on the sofa. Robert went through what had happened and showed him the note.
“Trav, do you want to tell us about him?” Mack asked.
“Padriac is the oldest, ten years older than me, I think. After him came Aileen, then Carrig. They were all born in Belfast, I was born in New York. My dad was a drunk, beat us kids and mom. The older boys take after their father. Padriac was the worst. Me, mom and Aileen took the brunt of his beatings,” I said.
“We need to find out who else knows you are here,” Mack said.
“Aileen's old boyfriend, Dan, brought me here when I was a kid. I contacted him. He found out Pad was in town.”
The conversation went back and forth for a while as we decided on a strategy. Mack left to check the CCTV cameras for the parking lot and I could have kicked myself for not doing that when I had the office to myself.
“Trav, you know this will get sorted and how, don’t you?” Robert asked after he had shown Mack to the door.
“I don’t have any feelings towards him, Rob. If I catch up with him myself, he’ll wish he never started this for sure. I’m just worried about dragging you into all of this.”
I finished off my beer and left to walk back to my apartment. I felt exhausted.
Dear Travis,
I understand why you ran off and I hope you will read this letter and let me explain. I didn’t come for you immediately, I couldn’t. As soon as dad knew you had gone he went mental. He beat mum to a pulp and put her in the hospital. I had to stay; I thought you would be okay with Dan for a few more days, a week at most. It took two weeks before the hospital would release her, before the police would stop harassing to know what had happened.
Padriac was arrested, he never went to jail but we didn’t see him again. No one knew what happened to him. Carrig left shortly after, although he got in touch, a few years later. I had to stay, I had to protect her and I honestly thought you were fine. I tried to call, to speak to you or Dan, I was desperate for news.
As soon as I could, I got a lift to DC, I went to the address I was given and you weren’t there. A family lived in the house and when I asked, they had no idea who I was talking about. They gave me the landlord’s details and I called him. He was Dan’s father. He had no idea about you but I managed to get a number for Dan.
I called Dan and he explained. He had been arrested, it was a mistake. His brother was dealing drugs and when the police raided, Dan was caught up in it all. He was held by the police for a few days and then released. He tried to find you too. I met with him; we walked the street, Travis, solidly for two days. We thought we had covered every alley, every block, everywhere we could think of. We checked the hospitals and with the police. I couldn’t find you and it broke my heart to have to return to NY. And why did I have to return? I can’t hate her, Trav, like you can. I would love to, I would love to not feel anything towards our mother, I would love to walk away and never think of her but the guilt was crushing and I was torn. I was so bitterly torn I couldn’t think straight. You were tough, I made myself believe you would survive and you would be okay. I even made up stories in my head - a family had taken you in, a loving family that cared for you.
I came back a month later. There was a day I thought I saw you. A gang of kids were running up the sidewalk and laughing. I called out but they never heard. I ran after them but as I turned the corner they were gone. I began to believe I had imagined it. I began to see you on every street corner and knew it was my mind playing tricks, or so I thought. Now, I’m not so sure. Maybe I did see you, maybe it was you running along the sidewalk and my heart breaks more knowing I might have been so close to finding you.
I don’t know how to say how sorry I am, I don’t know that you’ll ever forgive me. When you saw me that day, I wasn’t out enjoying myself as such. I don’t live in the US anymore, Travis. I moved back home. Dad died, we don’t know how, he was found dead in a ditch and it was the first day I had smiled in a long time. That sounds so callous but I needed to leave then, I needed to build my life and get away from mum. I return though, once or twice a year I make a trip to NY and always to DC in the hope I might bump into you. In my heart I knew you had survived, I always felt you. I never believed I would see you in NY.
If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, please call.
Your ever loving sister, Aileen.
Attached to the letter was a card with her address and cell number, it was a foreign number. I was torn, was she the woman I thought I had seen on occasions? I had a vague memory of seeing a redhead, I remember once it wasn’t her but there had been times I thought I had glimpsed her from afar. How different would my life have been had I not given up hope and approached that person?
I made the call. I could hear the long distance ring and a sleepy voice answered. I hadn’t thought to check the time difference. Once I announced who I was there was a pause and then a sob.
“Aileen, I can’t talk for long right now. I will call back another time though but something has happened and you need to help. Padriac may be in DC and I need to know if that’s true. Who would know, Aileen?” I said.
“Travis, I’m just so glad you called. You read my letter?” she said.
“I did but like I say, right now I need to track Padriac down. You owe it to me to help.”
I was trying not to sound harsh, but I was on a time limit. My brother had left that note on my windscreen and I wanted to get to him before he made his next move. I was looking forward to it.
“Dan or Carrig might know, let me get the numbers for you.”
I heard a rustle, perhaps she had climbed out of bed and then she came back on the line and gave a contact number for both.
“Please let me know what’s happening, Trav,” she said.
“I will, when I know myself. I’ll call you again Aileen, I don’t know when but I will.”
With th
at, we said our goodbyes. I looked at the piece of paper in my hand, who should I call? Who would be the most surprised to hear from me? I was unsure if I wanted to speak to Carrig so opted for Dan.
“Dan, you might remember me. It’s Travis, Aileen gave me your number,” I said once he answered.
There was a silence.
“Travis?”
“Yes, Travis. This isn’t a social call, Dan. I just want some information and for some reason Aileen thought you might be able to give it to me.”
He cleared his throat. “Okay, what do you need?”
“I need to know if my brother, Padriac, is in DC.”
“I can probably find out. You’re still in DC then?”
“Never left, lived on the streets for years after you fucked off but I don’t have time to reminisce with you.” I was aware of how harsh my voice sounded.
“We came for you, Trav, I swear. I got locked up for a few days but Aileen did try to find you.”
“Not hard enough. Now, Padriac is in town and I need to find him quickly. You get back to me as soon as you can.”
“Carrig might know, he’s looking for him too.”
“How would you know that?”
“He…, you might want to speak to him, Trav.”
“He what, Dan?”
“I don’t know for sure, but I think he killed your father. He’s not the person you knew, he went to jail for a long while and now he’s out.”
“What did he go to jail for?”
“Fraud, embezzlement, you name it. He called it fund raising, he works for the Irish, Trav.”
Travis: To accompany the Fallen Angel Series - A Mafia Romance Page 20