by Nix Knox
“So you don’t want to take me to your bedroom?” Noah wanted to take the question back as soon as he asked it. He wasn’t ready to go there. Why even bring it up? Was some part of him trying to taunt Ronan so he would act and take the choice away from him?
“Noah, look.” Ronan put a little distance between them, sharpening Noah’s attention. “I was honest with you earlier about what I wanted. It seems what I said scared you so much you almost called this off. I’m going to go back on my promise to myself to keep things casual, because I don’t think it’s fair to either one of us.”
“Okay.” Noah had no idea what was coming, so he had no clue how to brace himself.
“I like you. You’re handsome. You’re sweet. I can teach so much to you about not only BDSM but also sex in general. I’m extremely well versed in both. But I’m not some sex-crazed freak who’s going to toss you down and ravish you.” Ronan considered. “Not unless you wanted to play out a ravishment fantasy.”
“People do that?”
“Again, it’s a safe outlet for the desire. No one wants to be raped in real life. My point is I’m only the boss of you when you give me permission. Okay? In the playroom, I love being in charge. It’s the only way I’ll play. But outside the playroom, it’s got to be mutual.”
“You’ve never been the one to be tied up?”
“No.”
Noah’s brain went into overdrive, wondering what he would do with Ronan if he had him bound.
“I can see you like the idea of being the first. Maybe someday I’ll let you do that to me in the playroom. But my point is that when I take a man into my bed, I don’t play those power games. It’s entirely different. That isn’t what you’re afraid of, though, is it?”
“Not really.” Noah had to be clear. “I’m afraid if I went all the way, then I’d be different enough that other people would know I was gay.”
“How?”
“I don’t know. It’s illogical, but I swear, they’d just look and know.”
“What would happen if they did know?” Ronan asked. “Let’s go back to tonight. You walked in, and everyone there knew.”
Noah felt tension creep into his body.
“Now that they know, what would they do? What would they say?”
“I told you I know it doesn’t make sense.”
“I realize that, but let’s pretend it’s possible. Let’s go to the extreme with the fear and see what happens. Okay?”
“Okay.” Just thinking about that being real made the short hairs on Noah’s neck bristle.
“You walk into the burger place. A woman looks at you, and her eyes go wide. She knows. You know that she knows. What happens next?”
“I don’t know.”
“Does she call you names? Does she try to beat you up? Does she pull out a gun and shoot—”
“She tells my parents!” Noah blurted out his greatest fear and immediately clapped his hand over his mouth.
“And what would they do?”
“They’d hate me.” Noah realized what Ronan had done. He’d managed to get to the very nitty-gritty core of his fears. More than anything in the world, Noah feared losing his parents’ love.
“Would they? I find that hard to believe.”
“You don’t know them.”
“They raised you. You’re nice. You’re polite. You genuinely care about other people. I can’t imagine those things came out of nowhere. You learned that from someone. I’m guessing your parents taught that kind of behavior to you.”
Noah had learned his manners from his folks. “I just don’t want to disappoint them.”
“So they wouldn’t hate you, but they would be disappointed.”
“I think so.” Noah hadn’t ever allowed himself to think about what would happen if he told his parents. He shied away from the thought, because he knew it wouldn’t be pleasant.
“What about your brothers?”
“They’d be disappointed, too. Embarrassed. It would be shameful for everyone in my family, because it would be like guilt by association. My parents would think they’d done something wrong, and my brothers would be furious I’d hurt our parents.”
“Are you the youngest?”
“I am. Does that matter?”
“I was just curious. Don’t you think they would still love you?” Ronan moved incrementally closer, giving Noah the comfort of his presence.
“Maybe. But they’d have to love me from a distance.”
“Why?”
“My dad’s business might be hurt.”
“What does your father do?”
“He has a small construction firm. I learned about the industry working summers for him, but he’s not big enough to need a full-time accountant when he has my mom. My dad’s company does a lot of work for church members.” Noah flashed back to something that happened in high school. “My brother got in a fight with the bishop’s son during his senior year. They were fighting over a girl, and things became violent. When my brother was expelled for a week, my dad’s business suffered.”
“How do you know his business suffered? Did he tell you, or did you notice things were slower?”
“Are you implying my dad is a liar?”
“I’m not implying anything. I’m asking you a question.” Again, Ronan didn’t take offense at Noah’s quick heat. He remained calm and kept his place on the sofa. “If you don’t want to talk about it, we can move on.”
“My dad didn’t say anything to us. He said something to my mom that I overheard. And things were slower with the business. When the boy my brother was fighting with ended up going on a mission and the girl elected to wait for him, my brother left her alone and then business picked back up.” Noah sighed. “But the lesson was clear. Having the good will of our fellow ward members was a big deal. If everyone in the ward knew I was gay, it could really destroy my parents’ livelihood.”
Chapter Nine
Ronan understood the squeeze on Noah. His concern wasn’t social anxiety or some perception issue that could be corrected with therapy. It was a true and profound question of protecting his parents.
“The official stance from the church is to love the sinner and hate the sin, but that’s not what happens.” Noah looked beyond Ronan, his gaze seemingly on something in the past. “If you’re openly gay, you and your family are shunned. They aren’t even that subtle about what they’re doing.”
“It’s happened before in your ward?” Ronan was guessing, but given how intense Noah’s fear was and that faraway look in his eyes, something had to implant worry deep into his very soul.
Noah nodded miserably. “Sarah Marsters was gay, but she was also devout. She got outed somehow, but she kept coming to church.”
“Good for her.” Ronan wasn’t a religious sort, but the idea that anyone would be put into a position where he or she felt they had to live a lie to stay devout or worship alone in order to be true to themselves saddened him.
“Sarah wasn’t going to change to suit other people.” Noah’s admiration for Sarah was clear, but then his expression turned sad. “They made things so miserable for her and her family she finally moved away.” Noah met Ronan’s gaze, his torment clear. “I always wondered what happened to her.”
“Does she still talk to her parents?”
“I don’t know.” Noah shrugged. “Once she left, it was like she vanished. No one talked about her and her parents never mentioned her. It was like she never existed.”
The situation broke Ronan’s heart. Unlike Noah’s baseless fear that everyone knew his truth by looking at him, this was a genuine concern backed up by a similar situation playing out horribly. Now that Ronan knew such a scenario had directly touched Noah, he wasn’t surprised Noah was terrified of the same thing happening to him. Nothing made such a harsh impact as a glaring example.
Clearly, the thought of hurting his parents or of being torn from them was destroying Noah. Ronan’s initial impulse—anger—was mitigated by his realization that
he couldn’t hold that much fury in his heart and still help Noah. Fighting ignorance with rage wasn’t going to do anything but make a bad situation worse. One thing that Ronan knew with certainty was that he had a better chance of swimming to the moon than he did of changing anyone’s mind about homosexuality. Even a part of Noah hated himself for what he was. That was probably never going to change unless Noah gave up a tremendous amount of his current existence.
“I guess now you don’t want to date me anymore, do you?” Noah strove for humor, but it fell a little flat. He expected Ronan to reject him because of all the baggage he brought with him into a potential relationship. What stunned Ronan was that he didn’t want to quit. The old Ronan of just a few short years ago might have immediately set his sights elsewhere, because starting up anything with Noah would mean a tremendous investment of time and effort that had more than an eighty percent chance of failure. What made Ronan want to stay was what he’d seen in Noah in the short time he’d been with him. Cutting him loose would hurt Noah, but it would destroy something in Ronan. A part of him feared if he walked away, Noah would eventually curl up into a ball of self-loathing and die by his own hand.
“I think the more important question is, what do you want?” Ronan was going to trust his instincts. He felt there was a profound connection between them. He believed they could have something great, but he had to know Noah was willing to help himself. Ronan wanted to help, even if his assistance meant he ultimately had to let Noah go, but he couldn’t do it all himself. It would take two of them.
“Me? I want it all.”
“Be more specific.”
“If I could have everything I wanted?”
“Give me a list.”
“I would get rid of my horrible self-consciousness. I would tell my family the truth, and they would love me anyway. The church wouldn’t care. And you—” Noah stopped abruptly when he met Ronan’s gaze.
“And me?”
“You would teach me everything you know about BDSM.”
A part of Ronan wanted to probe deeper into what Noah wanted from him, but he realized if he pushed too hard, he’d push him away. So he didn’t. Noah had made it clear he was afraid of never being ready for sex with Ronan. If he took that out of his expectations, they might eventually get there. Deciding he wouldn’t know until he tried, Ronan evenly offered, “I can give you what you want from me.”
“You’ll do more scenes with me?” Noah seemed genuinely surprised.
“I’d like that very much.”
“And you won’t push for sex?”
“I won’t push for more than you’re willing to give.”
“That’s not fair.” Noah struggled to hold Ronan’s gaze, but he managed. “You can’t ask me to be completely honest with you when you give me answers that can be interpreted in multiple ways.”
“You’re right.” Ronan was actually proud of Noah for calling him on his slippery response. “I owe you the same kind of clarity I’m asking for from you. I won’t push you for sex.”
Noah didn’t seem relieved. Tentatively, he moved back, putting distance between them. “I only want to engage you for scenes.”
Ronan understood. He felt stung, but that didn’t change the fact he had to honor Noah’s feelings. Just because he’d thought there was something more between them didn’t mean Noah did, too. Even if Noah did have an inkling, he was nowhere near ready to embrace a relationship with him or any man.
Noah stood. His entire body was shaking ever so slightly, but resolve seemed to etch his features. “I think it’s best we make this relationship clear from this point forward.”
Ronan knew what was coming, but he was powerless to stop Noah from reaching into his jacket pocket and extracting his wallet. “As you said earlier, money clearly defines the roles between people. I need to do that.”
“I don’t want your money.” Ronan had been a professional Dom for almost a decade. He’d never once felt dirty, but he did now. The image of Noah, ripe with his newly tarnished innocence standing there, his fingers hovering over the bills in his wallet, would stay with Ronan for the rest of his life.
“I can’t do this any other way.” Noah sounded as agonized as he looked. “I swear I’m not trying to be mean to you. I’m only trying to protect myself.”
That comment lessened the sting. It was as if Noah had rubbed salve on the pain he’d inflicted. Ronan grasped what he was trying to do. And though he swore he was out of the professional Dom business, a compelling man who was in dire need of his services yanked him right back in.
Ronan stood, which caused Noah to take a step back. The difference in their heights and weights wasn’t that noticeable when they were cuddled up on the couch. Standing side by side, those differences were profound. Ronan was half a foot taller and fifty pounds heavier. But there was more than that. Noah was light in coloring with his blond corn-silk hair and cornflower-blue eyes. Ronan was dark in coloring with his bronzed skin and brown hair and eyes. They were night and day, but also yin and yang. Opposites attracted because together they often made a whole.
“How much do I owe you?”
Ronan shook his head. “Today is what they call a trial session.”
Noah looked up, his disbelief clear.
“When I compared what I do with a doctor or an auto mechanic, it was a deeply faulty analogy. A doctor can attend to most humans, and a mechanic can work on most cars, but what I do is deeply specialized. I always have the first scene as a free one so that neither of us is under any pressure.”
“I don’t—”
“Think of it as a free sample. I do so because I don’t want anyone to walk away feeling they didn’t get their money’s worth. Dissatisfied clients can destroy a business like mine.” At another dubious look from Noah, Ronan added, “You and I are extremely compatible, but that isn’t always the case.”
Still unconvinced, Noah nodded. “How much for future sessions?”
Ronan quoted his standard price.
Noah’s eyes went wide and his mouth dropped open into a perfect O.
“I understand that’s probably more than you wanted to spend.”
“That’s more than what I pay my doctor and mechanic combined!”
“That might be so, but that’s what I charge.” Ronan moved away from Noah and went into the kitchen. From the junk drawer, he found one of his cards. They’d been languishing in there since he’d quit. He honestly never thought he’d hand another one out, but here he was doing that very thing.
Turning to Noah, who had followed him into the kitchen, Ronan extended the card and placed it in Noah’s hand. “You don’t have to set up anything now. Go home. Think about what happened. If you come to the conclusion I’m worth it, give me a call.”
“What if I want you to recommend someone cheaper?”
You get what you pay for. That’s what Ronan wanted to say, but he held his tongue. “I don’t know anyone else. Doms don’t hang out together. But Tony could give you the names of other men who might be able to help you.” The idea of Noah in some other man’s hands just about made Ronan’s blood boil. But he let nothing of his inner turmoil show. He couldn’t. He didn’t own Noah. He had no right to caution him or tell him he might be putting himself in a world of hurt if he hooked up with the wrong man. All Ronan could do was tell him the truth.
“I am very good at what I do. That’s why the first session with me is free. I know that I have to prove my ability, since you can’t take my word for it. But other Doms might not be so generous with their time, their attention, or their ability to help you psychologically. If you decide not to call me again, I understand, but I encourage you to go to the website listed on the back of my card. It will tell you what to look for when interviewing your next Dom.” Ronan realized he’d violated plenty of his own rules with Noah, but he hadn’t broken the spirit of the code between Dom and submissive.
“Wouldn’t your website tell me exactly what you want it to?”
Rona
n actually liked that Noah was suspicious. He should be. Caution in everything connected to BDSM would keep him safe. Sadly, there were all kinds of sexual sadists out in the world covering what they did by calling it domination. “It’s not my website. It’s a reputable site that’s been around since 1996.”
“Oh.” Noah held the card for a moment, looking at the front and the back. It was a very simple cream card on heavy stock with walnut-brown print giving only his first name and his phone number. On the back was the website that had no connection to him whatsoever. When Noah extracted his wallet and carefully tucked the card into the slot that held his money, Ronan took that as a good sign. Had Noah just shoved the card into his pocket, he wouldn’t have thought he’d ever hear from him again. That he took care with the information spoke volumes.
As much as Ronan wanted to ask for Noah’s phone number in return, he didn’t. That wasn’t how it worked. For this to be a truly professional relationship, Noah had to contact him, not the other way around. Letting go of that control was difficult for Ronan, but release responsibility he did. He wanted Noah for a dozen complex reasons that didn’t all make sense to him, but more than anything, Ronan respected Noah’s right to choose his own path. He only hoped that Noah chose to contact him again.
Chapter Ten
Noah didn’t even have to ask Ronan to give him a ride back to the corner where they had met. After Noah tucked away his business card, Ronan led the way out of the house and into the garage. They donned their helmets, climbed on the bike, and they were off. Silence reigned during the trip. Noah hung on to Ronan without being obvious he was trying to imprint the feel of him on his hands. If nothing else, he wanted to remember what it was like to feel Ronan’s masculine power so close to his body.