by Nix Knox
Noah thought Ronan would give up after a week of being turned away, but he didn’t. He came every day and asked to see Noah. When he was told no, he simply said he would be back the next day. A part of Noah thought the day he didn’t come was probably the day his heart would break. It was a terrible thing to lie in bed and wonder if today was the day Ronan gave up.
Noah had worried Ronan would simply hang around and ask his parents, but he hadn’t. After some consideration, Noah realized Ronan wasn’t about to involve them in their relationship issues. For some reason, that made Noah feel his behavior was childish while Ronan’s wasn’t. Clearly, between the two of them, Ronan was far more mature. But that insight didn’t get Noah to change his mind.
Instead of dwelling on Ronan, Noah looked forward to seeing his parents. For those few hours, he could forget about Ronan and think about the past. His mother kept up a constant chatter about what everyone in their ward was up to. Noah had always been fascinated with his mother’s ability to recall people’s names and their plans. He supposed her incredible memory was what made her such an excellent accountant.
“Gracie’s parents are going to Aruba.”
“Where’s that?”
“Aruba is in the Caribbean.”
“Are they going on a mission?”
“Oh, no. Just a vacation. Gracie is going to be watching their house and caring for the kennel. She’s nervous, of course. It’s a lot of responsibly for a young woman, but Michael will be there to help.”
“Michael’s going to be staying at the house with her?”
“Of course not!” Noah’s mother clucked her tongue. “Marriage first. I know that’s becoming less frequent in this day and age, but there are still some virtuous youngsters.”
Noah wondered if his mother would still consider him among the virtuous since he hadn’t actually gone all the way.
“Not that I’m judging. I know things are different. But I guess, well, I’m old-fashioned.”
“Marriage before moving in.” Noah repeated the phrase by rote. It was said by a lot of parents in their ward. There was an order to things. Marriage, then children. Not the other way around, the way so many people seemed to be doing things these days.
“I honestly don’t understand how having a child is less of a commitment than getting married.”
Noah nodded. He’d never understood that either. If a marriage didn’t work out, the couple could get divorced. But you didn’t divorce a child. Although it seemed a lot of fathers managed to walk away from their children without a care. Noah couldn’t imagine walking away from someone who depended on him.
Fresh guilt washed over him. Ronan wasn’t his dependent, not by any stretch, but Noah owned him an explanation.
“Jonah, be a dear, and get us some of those burgers.”
“The ones that Ronan got for us?”
“Yes. I know it’s a walk, but I’m craving one. Is that okay for you, Noah?”
“That would be great.”
Barely had his father left the room when Noah’s mother grasped his hand, leaned near, and said, “Tell me what’s going on.”
“Nothing.”
“You took Ronan off your visitor list.”
Noah didn’t say anything.
“I saw it today when the nurse set the clipboard down. What happened?”
“I just don’t want to see him anymore. That’s all.”
“Don’t lie to me, Noah. I always know when you’re fibbing. You look down and your cheeks get red.” His mother held his hand a little tighter. “When I saw his name was gone, I asked the nurse. She says he comes everyday despite the fact you won’t see him.”
“It’s none of your business, Mom. I don’t mean to be rude, but—”
“It is my business. You getting better is completely my business, because I’m your mother.”
“I am getting better.”
“That’s just it. The nurse said you’ve stopped walking the hallways as much. Ronan was really good at pushing you to try harder. Now that’s he’s gone, the nurse says no one can get you motivated.”
“If it’ll make you happy, I’ll do better.” Noah wasn’t ever going to tell anyone how Ronan had motivated him.
“I want to know what happened.”
“Shouldn’t you be glad? I dumped my boyfriend. I’ll go back to being a model son.”
His mother sat there staring at him as she gently shook her head. “That’s never what I wanted.”
“Yes it is. I’ll be just like everyone else.” Noah realized he was taking his frustration out on his mother, but he seemed unable to stop.
“Only you’ll carry around your misery and resentment until it comes out in ugly ways, just like it’s doing now.”
“I’m not being ugly.”
“You are. You’re being nasty to me for something you did. If this was a decision you’re proud of, why be so petulant?”
“I had to. I’m not going to make him take care of me.”
“Take care of you?”
“I can’t drive a car. When I have seizures, I—” Noah cut himself off from using that vulgar term but then changed his mind. If his mother wanted the truth, he was going to give it to her without censoring himself. “I piss myself. If my bowels are full, I can also shit myself. Do you think that’s a fair thing for Ronan to have to deal with? He wanted a boyfriend, not a patient.”
“Am I supposed to be shocked, Noah? You do know that you and your brothers spent years in diapers, right? Candy corn and flower petals did not fall out of you.”
“This is different.”
“You don’t think Ronan would love you anyway?”
“No. I don’t.” Noah crossed his arms defiantly, then wondered just who he was defying. Certainly not his mother. Maybe himself.
“That man loves you.”
“I thought you didn’t want me to be gay.”
“Noah, it’s not about that.” His mother moved a little closer. “When you told me, I was shocked. How could I not be? They say hate the sin and love the sinner, but you and I both know that’s not what happens.”
“No.” Noah had seen too many examples where the supposed sinner was shunned.
“When you told me, I was scared.”
“For the family business.”
“For you.” Odonna nodded. “Being a gay Mormon is a hard row to hoe. But when you told me, I also…I knew.”
“What?” Noah was stunned. “You knew I was gay?”
“I knew but didn’t want to admit that I knew.”
“How could you have known?” Noah hadn’t even really grasped the information himself until he was halfway through high school.
“Casey Marcum.”
“What about him?” Noah recalled telling Ronan about the one and only person he’d ever really wanted to date in high school. Noah had never told anyone but Ronan that tidbit.
“I remember we’d gone to homecoming with you and Henry. Michael was on his mission. We were watching the game, and you seemed to be fascinated by one of the players. He was very good, but he wasn’t that good. The way you looked at him sparked this…awareness in me. For a split second, I had this clarity of vision. You had a crush on that boy. At the end of the game, he pulled his helmet off, and the way you sighed told me everything.”
“How could you know I was looking at him?”
“Because you were tracking him when he wasn’t even near the ball. Remember when he was out of play on the bench? You hardly looked away.”
“Did Dad see?”
“No.” Odonna laughed. “Your father doesn’t notice things like that.”
“But you did.”
“I did. But I’m a woman. We see subtle things that most men miss.” She squeezed his hand. “I remember feeling so scared for you. That your immortal soul was in danger despite the fact the boy clearly didn’t return your interest. But then I thought maybe it was just a phase. You’d grow out of it.”
“I wish I had.”
“No. You don’t. What you said the last time you were at home is true. God made you this way. If I believe God doesn’t make mistakes, then I have to accept that he made you the way he wants you to be.”
Noah was so choked up with emotion he didn’t know what to say. He’d never thought of his mother as particularly deep, but he’d been underestimating her for his entire life. She’d known the truth for a long time but let him figure things out on his own.
“Why were you always pushing me to date girls if you knew?” Noah asked.
“I think I thought you’d either realize the truth or you’d forget about it and try girls.” She made a face. “I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you. I should have talked to you, but I was afraid I was wrong, and by suggesting it, I would somehow…”
“Turn me gay?”
“Something like that. But now that it’s out, or you’re out, you need to embrace yourself.”
“I’m trying.”
“You’re running away from love so fast it’s like you’re trying to punish yourself.”
“I’m not. Ronan will get over me.”
“I saw Ronan’s dedication to you. I thought when he saw how injured you were and realized how long your recovery would be, he’d be out so fast he’d make a breeze.”
“No. Not Ronan.”
“Not at all. He loves you. Ronan doesn’t just say that he loves you. He shows it. I’ve never seen such a powerful man act with such tenderness. I’ve seen couples together, and I can always tell when it’s genuine.” Odonna met Noah’s eyes. “Ronan’s one of the most genuine people I’ve ever had the privilege to meet.”
“Really?”
“Honestly. He is. I thought—oh, I don’t know what I thought. Too many stereotypes on television, I suppose. I thought all gay men were loud and dramatic. I didn’t realize I was lumping them into a stereotype until I met Ronan.”
“So you like him?”
“I do. But what’s more important is I think you love him.”
“I—I don’t want to be a burden to him.”
“Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t see it that way?”
“He’ll stay just because he’ll feel guilty if he goes.”
“That’s hogwash, and you know it. If he was that kind of man, he wouldn’t have come every day just in the hopes of seeing you. He would have made a few perfunctory visits and then just stopped. Ronan hasn’t done that.”
Noah realized what he’d done to Ronan was nothing short of despicable.
“When he approached us in the waiting room when you were brought here, we were hostile to him. But you know what he did?”
“What?”
“He repaid our rudeness with kindness.”
“He did?”
“He did. I don’t know what religion that man is, but it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t say he’s a good Christian. He doesn’t have to. Whoever raised Ronan taught him right. He’s been nothing but respectful and kind to us when we haven’t been the same to him.” His mother had the grace to look chagrined by her own behavior.
“You were nice that night he got us dinner.”
“I finally realized how lucky you were. Some people hope for love and never find it, so they settle. They pair off like slightly mismatched socks. No one would really know from a quick glance that the pair didn’t really match. From a distance, everything looks fine. But the first time there’s a problem, one of they usually runs.”
“Not Ronan.”
“Not Ronan.” Noah’s mother met his gaze with a frankness he’d never seen before. “If you let a man like that slip through your fingers, I think you’ll regret it the rest of your life.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Ronan pulled on his socks, jeans, shoes, and a clean T-shirt. He slipped his wallet in his pocket along with his cell. He looked at himself in the mirror and sighed. How many more times could he go back to the hospital without losing faith? Ten? Twenty? He couldn’t keep going back forever. Eventually, Noah would be released. Ronan wasn’t going to stalk him at his parents’ house. That thought prompted him to consider if he was pestering Noah now. He realized there was a fine line between not giving up on someone and stalking him. If Ronan kept going without getting permission to see Noah, someone was going to turn him in to the police. If not Noah, then one of the nurses. Right now he had their sympathy, but eventually that would turn to annoyance.
For a moment, Ronan considered taking everything out of his pockets. Maybe today was the day to stop going. Letting go seemed almost impossible, but if that was what Noah wanted, perhaps he should respect his wishes.
“I just want to know what happened.”
It was the fact he had no closure in the matter that ate at him. Everything had been fine, and then it wasn’t. Ronan had ruminated over the dinner with Noah’s folks a dozen times. He thought things had been great. The only thing he could even think went wrong was when he hadn’t kissed Noah. But how could that simple thing cause Noah to reject him completely? Ronan didn’t believe that was the case. Something happened to Noah. Something went wrong with his treatment. Perhaps he lost his eye and thought Ronan wouldn’t want him. Ronan thought he’d put those fears to rest when he’d told him physical appearance wasn’t the reason he was with him.
“Maybe he really thinks I’m that shallow.”
Ronan looked at himself in the mirror again. He loved Noah. It wasn’t about his looks at all. Yes, Noah was cute and almost boyishly handsome, but that wasn’t what pulled Ronan closer to him. It was Noah’s character, his strength, his bravery in taking control of his life. He was young enough that taking charge of things now meant he had plenty of time to carve out the kind of life he really wanted.
“Maybe that’s it. He is making the life he wants, and that doesn’t include me.”
Ronan thought his heart would break it hurt so badly. For the first time in his life, he was unsure what to do. Normally, he sat himself down in his Zen garden so he could contemplate his choices, but that wasn’t working for him at all. Love was something he’d never given. Not romantic love. Not like this. He didn’t withhold his love. He’d just never met a man he genuinely cared about enough to give such a profound gift.
Noah was the first.
Noah was the only.
Ronan had believed Noah felt the same way. He’d said the words, but that didn’t mean he really felt them. But Ronan couldn’t let go of the fact he felt Noah’s love. Saying it was easy, but showing it was difficult to fake.
After thinking the situation over again, Ronan grabbed a light jacket and headed out the door. He knew he was going to go to the hospital before he even asked himself the question. He had to try again. Eventually, he would have to let go, but that day was not today.
The drive into Provo was uneventful, and he parked in his usual spot. After so many visits, Ronan had the place wired. He knew when the shifts changed and when visiting hours were. That information gave him the lowdown on when the best parking places were likely to be free. Once he had his bike situated, he tucked his helmet and the jacket in the trunk. The ICU was kept fairly warm.
Each step he took closer to the unit made him reconsider the wisdom of what he was doing. Was today the day they told him to stop or else? He didn’t like the idea of leaving his decision up to someone else. Ronan decided he’d have to trust his gut on making that call. When he approached the nurse on duty, she smiled at him, and it wasn’t one of those you poor, poor bastard smiles. This was a grin of genuine joy.
“I’m here to see Noah Cameron.”
“Your name?” She lifted up the clipboard but didn’t look at it.
“Ronan Porter.”
There was a timeless moment where he thought she was going to laugh hysterically and mock him for his dedication, but she nodded. “He’s right in there.” She pointed toward Noah’s room.
Ronan hesitated. Here he was, getting what he wanted, but he was suddenly suspicious.
“He changed the lis
t yesterday after his parents left.”
Cautiously optimistic, Ronan took a huge step toward Noah’s room, then slowed. What if he was only letting him in so he could tell him to stop coming? Realizing that pondering the situation was never going to give him the answers he wanted, Ronan sucked up his fear and strode into Noah’s room.
As soon as he saw him, his heart tried to explode out of his chest in joy. Noah’s bandages were reduced to a very pirate-like eye patch. A tuft of gauze stuck out around the edges, but it was a vast improvement over the way gauze had swaddled half his head. His exposed eye was bright and tracked Ronan’s progress across the room.
Noah wasn’t smiling, but he wasn’t frowning. His expression was surprisingly neutral and didn’t give Ronan any indication about what was coming.
After pulling up a chair, Ronan settled in and discovered he had nothing to say. His mind went so utterly blank he didn’t even recall his own name in that moment.
“Hi,” Noah said.
“Hi.”
“I’m sorry I was mean to you.”
“I am, too.” Ronan reached out for Noah’s hand. When Noah didn’t flinch away, Ronan took that as a good sign. “Tell me what happened.”
“I was afraid.”
“Of me?”
“Of being a burden to you.”
“Why in the world would you ever think that?” Ronan had expected Noah to say just about anything other than that.
“That night, after we had dinner with my folks, I had a seizure.”
Ronan tightened his grip on Noah’s hand. Even though he was sitting right in front of him, Ronan was suddenly terrified for Noah. What did a seizure mean to his recovery? He knew that as soon as he could, he would be devouring information on the Internet.
“It was bad. They still don’t know what’s causing them, exactly. It could just be from the trauma and it will clear up on its own, but it also might be a permanent condition.”