“Leigh, how's school going so far?” Jaron asked.
“Math is harder than I expected,” I answered from my hammock. I didn't move.
“I can help with that,” Evan said.
I opened my eyes to look at him. I didn't want to encourage the guy, but help would be great. “Are you sure?”
He laughed. “Yeah, I'm sure. I'm nearly an accountant. We love that stuff.”
“Thanks.” I relaxed again, closed my eyes, and tried to look disinterested.
“I have to run. My parents are in Salt Lake and want me to come up for dinner tonight, but I'll be around tomorrow,” he said.
“You just got here.” I opened my eyes, confused. It seemed like a wasted trip to stop by for five minutes. Then I realized I was probably doing it again—being too nice.
“Oh, I was just stopping in to say hello to everyone on my way out of town.” He stood up.
“Okay.” I didn't see how an hour away qualified as out of town, but whatever.
Jaron looked over his book and waved as Evan got into his car. Then he looked over at me. I could see his dimples start to grow in the beginnings of a smile.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing.” He went back to reading. I flopped over on the hammock and enjoyed the warm breeze.
Evan came the next night, as promised. We sat at the outside table. I didn't want him in my house. It seemed too personal. Kim joined us with homework of her own. I was grateful. The more people there, the less personal it would be. I wondered if she did it on purpose.
“I hear we're having a little homework party tonight,” she said as she sat down.
“Something like that.” I set my texts on the table. “Evan is going to try to help me understand calculus—which I used to understand in high school,” I added.
Evan chuckled and sat next to me, turning the book so he could see what I was working on. Jaron must have heard the noise because he came up too. My phone rang as he reached the top of the stairs. I checked the ID. Mom.
“Hey Mom, I'm working on homework right now.” I really didn't want to talk to her with an audience.
“Are you okay? You sounded tired on the phone the other day.” Her voice had the same worried edge to it that it always did.
“Yeah, I'm great, but I have a lot of math to get done, and Jaron is pretty strict about starting family night on time.” I wrinkled my nose at Jaron. He made a face back.
“Okay, well call when you get a minute. I'll let you get back to it.” She sounded hesitant, as if she wasn't ready to be done.
“Thanks. Love you, Mom.”
“Love you too.” Though she hung up, I could tell she wasn't satisfied. I set my phone down and looked at Jaron. “One… two… th—” but I didn't get it out. Jaron's phone started to ring. “Guess who!” I laughed.
Jaron stood up and walked slowly off the porch as he talked to Mom. If Evan or Kim thought the calls were odd, they didn't let on. He was off the phone in minutes. I was still hunched over my math text.
Evan scooted closer to me, and I wasn't sure how to scoot away without being obvious. Or maybe I should want to be obvious. I didn't want Evan to get the wrong idea, though I wasn't sure at this point if I'd be able to discourage him. I kept hoping I saw things that weren't there. Kim sat quietly working on something for a writing class while Evan walked me through a few more problems. It was fuzzy, but I started to remember.
“Thanks.” I took the opportunity to sit back and scoot away. I wondered how I'd get through it next week. Math with Evan could not turn into a regular thing.
“Anytime. I'm happy to help.” His smile made it look like he was still completely undeterred.
I looked away, having absolutely no idea how to discourage Evan without being mean, which I really didn't want to do.
four
I saw Jaron pull in after his day of classes, and I ran outside to catch him. I was amazed that we were already in our second month of school.
“Jaron, can I borrow your car tomorrow?” I asked as he climbed out of his car.
“And hello to you too.” He chuckled.
“Hi, Jaron.” I crossed my arms.
“Where are you headed?” He paused, his pack on his shoulder.
“Does it matter?”
“I don't know, maybe.” Was he teasing?
“Because I have an appointment with my new doctor tomorrow.” I sighed. I didn't want him to know all the little details.
“Do you want me to come?” His eyebrows pulled together in concern.
“No. Unless you absolutely won't let your car drive to Salt Lake without you.” I didn't want to be annoyed, but I was, a little. He knew how much I was looking forward to handling things on my own.
“I'll let my car go to Salt Lake.” He spoke slowly and still looked unsure.
“Thanks.” I stepped back toward my stairs.
“Just let me know if you…”
“I'd really like to go alone, Jaron.” I hoped he'd understand.
He nodded and started to turn to his place.
“Thanks.” I didn't realize I was holding my breath until I let it out.
“You can come by and get the keys tomorrow.” He searched my face for a few more moments.
“Thanks, Jaron,” I said again.
“No problem.” I watched him walk down the steps and through his front door. I couldn't believe how much he'd grown up. He'd left for his mission a gangly nineteen-year-old and had come back with so much maturity—maturity of thought, of action, of build. I forgot sometimes how grown up he was. Seeing him fill up the frame of his doorway was a good reminder.
I sat in the waiting room with a lot of old people. That's how it usually was for me. Not always, but most of the time. Kids were taken care of by pediatric specialists; I didn't fall into that category. The air was artificially cool and the atmosphere artificially calm. Doctor's offices were always like that. Calm colors, fake flowers, overpriced artwork.
My chest felt tight, constricted. I kept forcing myself to relax by drawing in deep breaths. I went to doctors all the time. It was no different, no big deal. A new doctor and probably the same stuff they'd all been telling me since my last treatment. I'd get a list of things to watch for, be careful with the no-sleep dizziness thing, eat well, do light exercise… nothing new.
“Miss Tressman?” An overly perky young woman looked out from behind the door.” Overly perky people made me surly.
I stood up and followed her. She weighed me and took my vitals. I did my best to pretend I was somewhere else. It's tricky when you're balancing on a scale. I followed her to the exam room, where I sat and waited again. I had too many memories in rooms like this. I hated the smell. I hated the feel. All of it was attached to the feelings of dread that came with my diagnosis of cancer.
It was in a room like this that my life changed. I'd expected my doctor to tell me that I'd need to be on birth control or something to control by body's irregularities, and instead she'd come in and told me I had cancer.
My phone rang, and I jumped. I shuffled through both pockets in my purse before I got my hands on the thing.
“Hey, Mom,” I answered after checking the ID.
“How was your appointment, honey?” she asked.
“Well, I'll tell you when I actually have it.” Was she just sitting in front of a clock? Next time I made an appointment I wasn't going to tell her until it was over.
“Oh.” I could hear her deflation.
“I'm waiting right now, Mom. I'll call you when I'm done.”
I heard a knock at the door.
“Mom, the doc's here.” I waved at him as he walked in.
“You could just set the phone down,” she suggested.
I sighed. “I'll call you when I'm done.”
“Okay, sweetie.”
“Miss Tressman?” the doctor didn't look much older than Jaron. He wore a nice pair of slacks and the standard white coat, his stethoscope around his neck. Nothing new.
/>
“Leigh.” I said, trying to smile at him. I used to like doctors when I was a little kid. I actually did like the doctors who took care of me throughout being sick, but the feeling around them was different. More like I was nervous, with a black pit in my stomach, and less like I was excited about getting a lollipop at the end.
“I'm Dr. Watts.” He reached out and shook my hand.
He sat at his computer and looked down my long history.
“Aren't you a little young to be an oncologist?”
“Aren't you a little young to be a cancer survivor?” He smirked.
“Yeah, I guess.” I smiled back. He'd be okay.
“Well, let's do a quick once-over.” He looked down my throat, listened to me breathe, and checked my reflexes.
“So, you're in school now?” he asked.
“Yep. BYU.” I felt as if I was taking a test, not getting a checkup.
“How's that going for you?”
“Okay.” I tried to be vague.
He shined his light in each of my eyes a few times and held his finger in front of me to follow.
“How are you feeling?”
“Fine.” Really, I just wanted to go back to my apartment where cancer wasn't part of my life.
He laughed under his breath. “Don't lie to me, Leigh.” A true grin now on his face.
I let out a breath of resignation. “I get winded when I go up stairs. I'm more tired than I'd like. My parents refused to let me go to school unless I followed some guidelines.”
“What guidelines are those?” he asked. He leaned back against the small counter.
“My brother drives me to school. I can take only four classes. I absolutely must call you if I ever have any issues, and I have sleeping pills for when I can't sleep.”
“Yes, I saw that. Have you needed a refill on those yet?”
“No. I don't take them; they make me feel terrible.” I met his eyes with mine.
“How does not sleeping feel?”
“It's better than the hangover when I take the pills.” I kept his gaze.
He chuckled once. “Have you tried taking half?”
I actually hadn't thought of that, but I stayed silent.
“Any dizziness? That kind of thing? I saw that was one of your main complaints before,” he continued.
“I think that mostly has to do with when I have a hard time sleeping. I don't sleep for a couple of nights and then I'm distracted because I'm so tired and then I forget to eat. That's when I take a sleeping pill…” The doctor looked like he might want to say something, but I continued on before he could. “Those stupid things completely wipe me out, sometimes for more than twelve hours, and then I feel woozy for another day after that.”
“Leigh, wouldn't it be better if you slept all night, every night? You could try something over the counter.” He was studying my face closely now, watching my reactions.
My shoulders slumped. I'd been through all of this. I'd done herbal things, teas. The over-the-counter stuff either worked too well or not at all. I felt comfortable with what I had going.
“I see you've been over this.” He smiled and made a couple of notes in the computer.
“Yep.” I nodded once.
“You're probably done talking about it.”
“Right again.” I smiled at him a little so he wouldn't think I was completely terrible.
“I'd like to see you put on a little more weight—ten to twenty pounds.” He still watched me carefully. I never knew how to move or sit when I was the one on the table and the doctor and I were just chatting.
“I'm sure I'll manage,” I answered.
“Have you had any problems with fainting or anything like that?”
“Not since I've been at school.”
“What about before that?”
“Um…” I tried to remember back. “It was the last time I couldn't sleep for a long time—maybe July?”
He looked surprised. “And you're here at school?”
I was about to get the same lecture my doctors gave me before I left about how I was probably pushing myself too hard and how I should think about taking some more time. “Yes. I have good roommates, and I live next door to my brother. Besides, one of my roommates has only one more year before she's a nurse.”
“Great,” he responded in a flat voice. “I want you to remember that it's a lot of activity for your body while you're recovering.”
“But I shouldn't still be recovering, right? I keep feeling like I should be better now.” The frustration of the slowness of my recovery made me crazy sometimes. The cancer was gone and the treatments were done. I should have been feeling great.
“Our bodies heal at their own pace. Try to eat well and…”
I raised my hand between us. “I know.”
“I want to make sure you're listening to your body more than your need for independence.” He stood a step away and gave me a stern doctor look. He was surprisingly good at it for being so young.
“It really was a long time ago. I realize that for someone this young, it's taking me a really long time to get my energy back and all that, but really, I'm overwatched. I'm sure I'll be fine.” I gave him my best “I'll be a good patient” look.
“It wasn't a really long time ago; it just feels like it to you.” He looked at the computer again. “Any pain or discomfort at all?”
“No.”
“Lay back for me?”
I did as asked. He pushed and prodded all over my abdomen. It wouldn't have felt good to anyone. When someone pushes one hand with their other hand into your stomach over and over, it doesn't feel good.
“Your scars healed up nicely.”
“Yep.” I was ready to be done, to be on my way home.
“Okay, Leigh. I'm going to have you go downstairs to the lab. We need a quick blood draw today…”
“Today?” I hadn't been the best at taking my iron. They always took more blood than I was prepared for, and whether it was real or just in my head, when somebody was taking some of my blood, it made me feel as though they took almost all of my blood. Jaron needed his car back, and it would probably take me some time and a meal to feel like driving all that way.
“Is that a problem?” His eyes immediately shifted to my face, watching me carefully like everyone seemed to do.
“No, no, sorry. It's fine.” I nodded to reassure him. I just wanted it over with. After months of needles in my arm, you'd think it would now be no big deal, but it was the opposite. I'd done it, I'd had to do it a million times, and I wanted no more of it.
“Okay, so here's your sheet of symptoms to watch for…”
“I already have that sheet.”
“Take it again.” He handed it over. “And here's one on sleep…”
“I have that one too.”
“Yes, and you're still not sleeping. So you get to take this one too.” He reached out and shook my hand. “Well, it was nice to meet you Leigh. Please call me if you're not feeling well in any way, okay? And we'll squeeze you in.” He gave me a thin-lipped smile. He was nice, but I really hated those thin-lipped smiles. They were full of sympathy I didn't want to be a recipient of. Sympathy meant something in your life was sucking.
Since I knew Jaron's precious car would be returned late, I called him.
“Hey sis, what's up?” he answered.
“I'm going to have your car back a little later than I thought.”
“Are you okay?”
Crap. I hadn't thought of anything to say. “They had to take blood. I wasn't expecting that, so I'm going to hang around up here until I'm not dizzy anymore, and then I'll head back down. I'd hate to crash that precious car of yours.” I tried to joke.
“You know, it's no big deal, Leigh. Brian and I could drive up and—”
“Totally not necessary,” I interrupted. The thought of Brian, who I barely knew, coming up here to rescue poor, weak little Leigh was too much. “I'm just being extra cautious. I'll see you about dinnertime. I'm
at some random café with a muffin and a drink. I'll be fine in a few minutes.”
“Okay, Leigh. Call—”
“Yeah, Jaron. Call if I need anything. Thank you. I understand. I'm sorry I have your car out later than you expected. I'll see you soon.” I was trying to hide the annoyance from my voice but I'm sure I did a terrible job.
“Okay.” His voice was quiet.
I hung up the phone, but it rang before I had a chance to set it on the table. Mom.
“Hey, Mom.” I felt resigned—there would be no pretending that I was actually on my own.
“How was it?”
“He said I was amazing, like superwoman, and to call you right away and tell you that you have nothing to worry about.” I took another bite of muffin.
“That's not funny, Leigh.” Her exasperation tinged every word.
I swallowed my muffin and took a drink. “He's nice. He did some blood work, said I looked okay, and said the same thing everyone says. ‘Don't do too much, take it easy, and call me if you need anything.’”
“Do you like him?”
“He's okay. He put up with me for a half an hour,” I added, mostly to let her know that I realized I was being a little difficult.
I could tell that made my mom smile. “Well, let me know when they get your blood work back, okay?”
“Okay, Mom.” I washed the last of my muffin down with the last of my orange juice.
“Love you, Leigh.”
“Love you too, Mom. I'll talk to you soon.”
“Okay, bye.”
I hung up. I sat there for a long moment looking out the window. All I wanted was to be on my own. It felt impossible. I didn't mind being around Jaron—he was a great big brother. I guess I just wanted him to read my mind and know when I wanted to do things by myself. Or maybe, I just needed to be better about telling him what I needed.
I stood up and took a deep breath. I didn't feel too dizzy—a little like I was swimming, but not bad. I'd just head home. It seemed like a shame to come all the way to Salt Lake and not go to Temple Square, but it wasn't going to happen. Not today.
The Next Door Boys Page 3