I walked up the driveway after a meeting at the church and saw Brian alone on the porch.
“Hey, Leigh?” He stood up. “Do you have a sec?”
I exhaled hard. I couldn't avoid the confrontation forever, but I still didn't want it to happen. I jerked my shoulder up, raising my backpack further onto my back, and walked across the driveway. Brian stepped down from their porch and waited for me.
I stopped in front of him and looked up. He was as tall as Jaron, just over six feet, but as broad as my dad. It was more apparent when I stood facing him. I'd been avoiding him, and I suddenly worried that I'd been too obvious about it.
“Looking forward to seeing your parents?” he asked.
“I guess.” I wasn't sure what to say, and I didn't know what he wanted. He was making small talk, but for what purpose? He could have just waved from the porch if he was worried about being friendly.
Brian concentrated on something really hard, his forehead wrinkled up. “Okay, I'm just going to say it.” He let out a short breath. “I feel like for some reason you don't like me.”
I opened my mouth to say something. I had no idea what.
“No, hold on. It's okay. You don't have to like everyone you meet.” He held his hand up between us. “Your brother mentioned something earlier today, and I feel weird about being invited to your parents’ house. I want us to be able to get along, that's all.” He looked so… nice. “Am I doing something that's bothering you?” He asked, giving me a half smile.
“Look,” I started, “it's just weird how often you're out late—like, really late.”
“You're up to notice.” He held back a smile. Brian had this small, smirkish grin that seemed nearly permanent.
I ignored him. “I don't know what you do with your weekend nights, and I really don't want to know. I do know that when you come home you reek like cigarettes and alcohol, and I find it offensive and it makes me wonder about your seriousness in… everything.”
“Wow.” He pursed his lips together, a little surprised but also maybe a little amused. “I work as a bartender.” He paused, waiting for my reaction.
I was too stunned to react.
“I know it's not the greatest environment to be in, but I only have to do it two days a week or so to pay the bills and continue my education. If I need a weekend off or need to trade shifts, my boss is pretty flexible, which is great if I'm able to get my son up here for a visit.”
Brian was a bartender? Did he even understand the Word of Wisdom? “Wait, you have a son?” I sifted back through what he'd said.
He laughed. “Your brother didn't tell you?”
“Uh… no.” That wasn't the crazy part. “And you work in a bar?”
“Guess I'm not making any points here, huh?” He chuckled a little, as if my response didn't bother him in the least.
“Umm…”
“You know, Leigh, we haven't spoken much, but you're usually better with words than this.” His smirk was still intact.
“Well, cut me some slack here!” I gestured upwards with both hands in the air. “You just told me you have a kid and work in a bar!”
“I figured Jaron would have said something.” Brian shrugged. He looked completely unbothered by my reaction.
“Well, he didn't.” What was I supposed to think? Where was I supposed to look? I took a deep breath. This whole revelation really shouldn't affect me. “Jaron has this thing about people telling their own stories.” I shook my head. It's why he'd told no one about me being sick.
“Are we friends? Do you think I'm some sort of crazy, horrible person? What's going on?” He leaned his head over to try and catch my eyes. He still wore his half-smile like he thought this was all very funny.
“I… I guess I'll see you tomorrow morning.” I looked up and let his eyes catch mine.
“Okay.” He leaned back a little, and his smile left.
I felt something in my chest, heavy like guilt or the knowledge that I should do something else, something more.
“We're okay.” I nodded even though I was still reeling from our conversation.
He stuck out his hand for me to take. I took it, and we shook once. Brian's hands were twice the size of mine and much warmer. I felt a little better about our conversation after our shake.
I let go of his hand and turned to walk home. How did I know so little about him? Was he married? How old was his kid? And he worked in a bar? That could not be healthy for a new member. Was I being too judgmental? Should I be judging him? Was he someone I shouldn't spend time with?
As I opened my door, I remembered how Jaron felt about Brian. How much he looked up to him and what he said Brian had overcome to get to where he was as a member. I felt as if I should share Jaron's opinion and be impressed that Brian lived his life so well. Except how do you work in a bar? And what were the chances of me being able to sleep after that conversation? And why couldn't I force my brain to stop asking questions?
“Leigh, you look really tired,” Jaron said as we filled his car for our weekend at home.
“I am really tired.” I widened my eyes at him.
“Don't you have those… things?” He referred to my sleeping pills, which I avoided unless in absolute need.
I rolled my eyes.
“You'd better get some shut-eye before Mom sees you. Try to nap in the car.”
“I planned on it.” I smiled smugly and crawled in the backseat.
Brian caught our conversation, and I could see him give my brother a questioning look as he walked around to his side. Jaron didn't say anything.
It didn't take me long before I rested in that happy place of being not quite awake and not quite asleep. I could hear them talking but didn't pay attention to the words. The sun shined warm on my face and kept me relaxed. Then I heard my name in the front seat.
“So, your sister, Leigh—is she okay?” Brian asked. “I overheard your conversation.”
I kept still but listened closely.
“Yeah, I think so. She gets tired. She can't sleep and then she'll kind of crash. No one is calling her cured yet, they're calling her ‘in remission.’” Jaron paused. “She had cancer last year.”
“She had cancer?” Brian asked. I could hear the surprise in his voice.
“Yeah. I didn't want to tell anyone. It seems kind of private, you know?” It was private; I'd told very few people, but it didn't keep word from getting out. “I just—I'm a little overprotective of her, and I wanted you to know why.”
“Let me know if I can do anything, okay?” It was silent for a moment. “What… um…”
Jaron continued without any more prompting. “It was ovarian cancer. I remember when Mom first told me, she had to get special permission from my mission president so we could talk. My brain stopped functioning when Mom said the word ‘cancer.’ She won't be able to have kids. I'm sure that's harder on her than she lets on, or maybe she hasn't realized the ramifications yet… or maybe she does and I'm not giving her enough credit.” I heard Jaron shift in his seat.
“You should have seen her, Brian. I was glad I came home early from my mission. I'll never regret that decision. I got home near the beginning of her chemo treatments.” He stopped for a minute. “I barely recognized her.” He sounded so sad. I wanted to tell him what I wanted to tell everyone, that it would have been so much harder to see one of them go through what I went through than to just do it myself. “She was so thin and pale. She'd already lost her hair. I was overprotective of her before, but now… now it's hard not to follow her to class, to check on her every night.”
I heard Brian exhale in the seat in front of me.
“I'm sure I could learn a lot from her. Her acceptance of things you have no control over and her understanding of our life after this one is profound. She has no doubt at all of the existence of our Heavenly Father and His promises to us about our life after this one. I mean, I think most of us doubt sometimes, but I don't think she ever will again.” He paused again for a momen
t. “I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone, but it made her stronger, not weaker. I really look up to her for it.”
“You're a good brother, Jaron.”
Jaron sat quiet. I wanted to tell him that he was the best brother. He'd done a pretty good job of covering up how worried he felt. I'd have to remember to thank him sometime over the weekend. With those warm thoughts drifting through my head, I fell asleep.
I threw on a swimsuit and climbed into my parents’ pool. Mom came out and sat on the edge.
“You know I don't like that suit.”
All I had at my parents’ house was my two-piece. I only wore it at home. I didn't see the big deal. Besides, the rainbow stripes made me smile. “Well Mom, I could leave my one-piece down here, but then I'd have to take this one to school with me.”
“How's school going?” She asked, ignoring my comment. It was what she always asked. It was better than “how are you feeling?”.
“It's going okay. Jaron is trying really hard to stay out of my way, which is good of him.”
“Well, make sure you tell him that.”
“I will.” I tilted my head back and soaked my hair in the cool water. It was October, but St. George was still warm.
“I'm glad Brian made it down with you guys. We were eager to meet him. Jaron's been talking about him since they met.”
“Yeah, they're pretty tight.” I floated on my back, eyes closed. Mom dipped her feet in the water; she'd probably already had her swim.
“I hope your father's able to help him out with Nathan. He handled a lot of custody cases when he was still officially working.”
“Who?” I stood up and looked at her.
“His son, Nathan.”
“Right.” My conversation with Brian flooded back into memory.
“Well, that was the main reason for your visit,” she said. “Jaron called and said that Brian's ex-wife wasn't answering any of his calls, and he hasn't seen his son in nearly three months. Apparently he's supposed to have him a lot more than that.”
“Oh.” It was no wonder Brian seemed so much older. He'd had a whole life before coming to school.
“Well, your brother has been asking your dad about it for a while, but you know your father. ‘Show me the paperwork and I'll see what I can do,’” Mom did a great impression of my dad's serious voice. “I think Brian got it all in order, and they're working on it now.”
I lay back in the water thinking about how complicated life could be.
“How are you doing, sweetie?” She tried to keep her voice light, but we both knew what she meant.
“I'm probably a lot less worried about myself than the rest of you.” I laughed as I stood up on the bottom of the pool. “I mean, I'm tired and I sometimes have a hard time sleeping—”
“What about those pills Dr. Beckman gave you?” she asked.
I sighed. “You know I hate those, Mom. They make me drowsy for like two days. That's not really helpful. I'd rather feel ‘real’ tired than just drugged.”
“You could try some tea?” We'd had this conversation before. I was tired of it.
“Mom.” I tried desperately not to be irritated. “I can't sleep for a couple of nights, it throws me off a little, and then I catch up. No big deal.”
“I know, honey. I just want you to keep that body strong.” She gave me one of those thin-lipped, sympathetic smiles.
“I know.” I swam down the pool, stretching my muscles out and trying to put some space between us.
“Well, I was going to cook tonight, but maybe I'll just order something.”
“Anything is fine.”
“Geronimo!” Jaron screamed, and there was a big splash at the far end of the pool. The waves hit me and filled my mouth with water.
“Jaron!” I spat the water out of my mouth. “Will you ever grow up? You've been doing that since you were like, six!”
“Yep!” He smiled widely. “And it still works. You're as irritated as ever.”
I put my two hands together in the water and squirted him in the face. I was an expert aim at squirting water with my hands, right between my thumbs and onto my target.
We all sat down to watch TV, our pizza boxes on the coffee table. Brian looked distracted, as did my dad. But that wasn't too unusual for Dad. He worked hard and had a hard time leaving work at the office—even though he claimed to be retired. Brian and Jaron were sitting on the couch together when Brian looked up at the wall, staring. I followed his line of sight to see a family picture we'd taken just before Jaron left on his mission. Jaron and I looked a lot more alike when my hair was the same baby blond as his.
“Leigh? You used to be blond?” Brian asked, looking over at me.
I laughed and my mother froze. Jaron stopped eating.
“Yep. Used to be. Mom has pictures of me with no hair at all. Those are really great.” For some reason, the simple observation was hysterical. Like, that's what you got from cancer. Not a crappy year where you thought you might die, not a greater understanding of the world around you, of your family's love. You got different hair. I giggled again and took another bite. My mother shifted her food around on her plate.
“Sorry,” Brian said, finally realizing why my hair was different. “It just surprised me. That's all.”
“It's totally fine.” I smiled over at Brian so he'd know I wasn't bothered and then crammed another bite of pizza into my mouth.
seven
“The boys are here!” Jaron laughed as he let himself in to my apartment.
“Thank goodness.” I watched them come in. “I'm on romantic movie overload.”
“What?” Jaron stopped in front of me.
“Well, you do know we're watching Romeo and Juliet tonight, right?”
“We were warned.” Brian chuckled, walked around Jaron, and plopped himself into a chair in the living room.
“We started last week with Jane Austen in some marathon run of Pride and Prejudice.” I rolled my eyes.
“Colin Firth.” Kim folded her arms as if that was explanation enough.
“I thought chicks loved that stuff.” Brian looked over his shoulder at me.
“Not this chick,” I answered. “I was stuck listening to Elizabeth Bennett be clueless and Mr. Darcy be snippy all week. And this,” I held up the copy of Romeo and Juliet, “is what we're doing tonight.”
“At least the music is good.” Brian smiled.
I nodded and looked at the cover. “That's true. The soundtrack is pretty awesome.” And Leonardo DiCaprio was generally worth watching.
“You like that?” He looked surprised.
“Yeah, why?”
“Doesn't seem like Leigh music, that's all.”
I shrugged. “It was a big winner with my Seattle friends. Old but good.”
“It's not that old,” Brian said.
I suppressed a laugh. He would think that. He was the oldest one there, by probably a few years. “How old are you, anyway?”
“Twenty-five.” He pointed at me. “And don't give me any crap about being the oldest guy here. Stuart is two months older than me.”
I looked to the left and then to the right. “Well, Stuart isn't here, is he?”
“Okay, you two, can we start the movie now?” Megan asked.
I slumped dramatically into the couch.
“Oh, come on, what's the matter with Romeo and Juliet?” Megan took the movie from my grasp to put it in the DVD player.
“Do you want a list?” I didn't wait for an answer. “Romeo's whining about a girl one day, in love with Juliet the next. He has the decency to marry her but then they go back to her parent's house? I mean, what kind of asinine plan is that? Come on, their families hate each other! If you're going to sneak away and get married, just sneak away! It's like watching the girl in a horror movie walk up the dark attic stairs. She totally deserves whatever she gets at the top.”
“You're saying they deserved to die!” Megan was aghast as she sat on the floor in front of the TV, staring
at me.
I didn't know if they deserved to die or not, but it had never seemed like the great love story everyone thought it was. I shrugged in response.
“You're unbelievable.” Jaron shook his head.
“Seriously,” Kim agreed. “What made you so cynical, anyway?”
“I'm not cynical. I just don't understand the wild romantic gestures. ‘I love you so much, I'd kill myself.’” I said in dramatic fashion.
“So what would you have a guy say, Leigh?” Kim was still in disbelief at my attitude.
“I love you so much that I'll hang with you in the backyard while you're wearing your grungiest sweatpants and haven't showered in two days. I'll call you beautiful and mean it. I'll be with you forever because I want to be, not because we have to be.” It was the little things that mattered, not the big ones.
Megan and Kim both shook their heads at me and started to settle on the couch.
“You know what, Leigh?” Brian sat forward to look at me. “You think like a guy.”
“What?” I jerked my head over to see him.
“But she dresses so girly.” Kim protested. “She should think like a girl. I mean, you dress like a romantic.” She looked at me. “All your pretty blouses and full skirts.”
“Well, maybe I've used all my romanticism up on that,” I responded.
Brian looked over at Kim. “She may dress like a girl, but her romantic sensibilities are on par with most men I know—Jaron excluded, of course.”
Jaron faced me. “Leigh's total refusal of romanticism is why she's completely clueless when it comes to boys.” I opened my mouth to argue, but he continued before I had a chance to speak. “Evan, right now.” He held his hand up to keep me silenced. “All my friends from high school asked me at some point in time if they could ask out my little sister. You can see it on the faces of all the guys she let take her to a dance. There they are, gazing at Leigh, and Leigh's just standing there smiling for the camera, completely oblivious.” Jaron started laughing.
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